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Negotiating/ reNegotiating - 3/26/2008 12:55:07 PM   
domahpet


Posts: 1505
Joined: 12/3/2006
From: Santa Rosa
Status: offline 		theres been alot of talk lately about D/s couples negotiating and renegotiating.
at first contact, at first play, even down the road in the middle of their relationship!

my frame of mind has always been to work together as a couple till the D/s is
in effect, and after that the Dtype has the final word.
i realise negotiate means differnt things of course, but im talking in the context
of power exchange, the s gives the power to the D, and the D, like i said, has the final word.
i mean big things, like having a kid or buying a house, sure all involved should be involved,
but day to day things?

seems like alot of work, a pain in the ass, and alot of confused people.
anyone else want to share their thoughts?


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~DJ domahpet~
*Love is giving someone the power to break your heart, but trusting them not to*

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RE: Negotiating/ reNegotiating - 3/26/2008 1:07:56 PM   
colouredin


Posts: 4279
Joined: 2/2/2007
Status: offline 		I think a lot of things can change but it depends how well you know yourself. I am still such a newbie relatively speaking, when i met Ceno things did change because though initially I told him a fair few things that I would consider limits I have changed that as time went on. I think its good to do that becuase I wouldnt just blindly trust anyone certain things require a deeper relationship so things change.

I guess it depends how the relationship is, each person is differant some dont see D/s as a lifestyle and so day to day things are the individuals choice anyways. But if you negotaite everything in my opinion it kinda isnt the kind of D/s relationship I would want


< Message edited by colouredin -- 3/26/2008 1:08:21 PM >

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RE: Negotiating/ reNegotiating - 3/26/2008 1:12:15 PM   
RCdc


Posts: 8674
Status: offline 		Negociating constantly isn't really something I would have been comfortable with.  Day to day things, to me, is more a micromanagement level, or on the other extreme, would indicate to me that the relationship wasn't secure or at the point to move forward(if that makes any sense).
 
the.dark.

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RE: Negotiating/ reNegotiating - 3/26/2008 1:21:25 PM   
Stephann


Posts: 4214
Joined: 12/27/2006
From: Portland, OR
Status: offline 		Negotiation is very much a give and take process.  I may have the final say with my slave, but if I make a decision heedless and unaware of the impact it will have on my slave, it will be both of us hurt by it.  Before I can tell her to go with me to Chicago and look at the view from the Sears Tower, I need to know she's not afraid of heights.  I may have the final say, but I might also have to check a catatonic woman into the hospital.

Additionally, not every bottom is submissive.  One needn't be in a D/s relationship to negotiate rules and expectations.  Dom/Domme couples obviously require a serious amount of communication and exchange of information, and that's the heart of negotiation: what do you want, what do you need, what do I want, what do I need, what do we list as off limits, what will bother us, and are we compatible?  In short, what do we need to do to make this relationship work?

That ain't strictly a D/s, or BDSM issue, either.

Regards,

Stephan


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RE: Negotiating/ reNegotiating - 3/26/2008 3:40:39 PM   
domahpet


Posts: 1505
Joined: 12/3/2006
From: Santa Rosa
Status: offline 		im thinking more of the submissive trying to micromanage aspects of the relationship.
sorry if i wasnt clear enough earlier.
is it really necessary to negotiate before every play?
or for example, 'master was mean to me and said ******,
i want to renegotiate'
seems sometimes that its used to get out of doing things the sub
dosent like, instead of doing the footwork ahead of time of
maybe just finding a suitable match.

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~DJ domahpet~
*Love is giving someone the power to break your heart, but trusting them not to*

*crystal*
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SLI12uN6k5k

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RE: Negotiating/ reNegotiating - 3/26/2008 3:45:51 PM   
DiurnalVampire


Posts: 8125
Joined: 1/19/2006
From: Nashville, TN
Status: offline 		negotiating and renegotiating are not negative. Every time you play, no, but when you are in a long relationship, things change. When I got Angel the original plans were far far different from what they are now. Timewise, relationship wise and overall interactions, things have changed drastically in the nearly 2 years we have been together. EVERYTHING has been renegotiated, midway through.

In day to day stuff, no, we dont. in longer lasting things... absolutely necessary.

DV



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I will be your Dominate if you will be my submit - Fox

Snarko Ergo Sum
If you cannot change your mind, how are you so sure you still have one? -proverb

*Owner of Fox - collared 10/13/07*
VampiresLair

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RE: Negotiating/ reNegotiating - 3/26/2008 4:05:15 PM   
colouredin


Posts: 4279
Joined: 2/2/2007
Status: offline 		Yeah I would agree with that actually, if you negotiate every time then isnt it simply the sub telling the Dom what they want? its not really a power exchange then is it, thats no less valid but not what I would want, I like to think that I pick someone that kinda gets me a bit and doesnt need to run everything past me. 

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There would be no gossip without secrets
I don't want to be anything other than what I've been trying to be lately

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RE: Negotiating/ reNegotiating - 3/26/2008 4:11:46 PM   
LuckyAlbatross


Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline 		Personally I suck at negotiation.  But I'm excellent at communicating and working through problems.  Perhaps the issue is one more of language and people feeling defensive rather than working together to reach a common goal?

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RE: Negotiating/ reNegotiating - 3/26/2008 4:56:30 PM   
chellekitty


Posts: 3923
Joined: 3/27/2005
Status: offline 		when i see the words negotiating and renegotiating i think of contracts...now i have been in relationships where contracts were used and those where they were not...they certainly served their purpose in those relationships where they were used, but if they were to have lasted longer than the did, they would have had to have been renegotiated based on various things, basic life things - what is going on...i can do different things if i am going to school than if i am working and totally different if i am not doing either..also if another person was added to the relationship, or major health concerns...certain things are constant and others are adaptable...it depends on whether the contract outlined the adaptable along with the constant as to whether a contract would need to be renegotiated...

now, if there is no contract, in my experience there have been certain extreme times where it was necessary to suspend the D/s or M/s dynamic in order to talk about something that was going on and "renegotiate" things because i felt that i was not getting my *needs* met in the relationship...this is not about whims and wants...it is about essential things that i need to thrive in a relationship, not just exist...and yes, quality of life is essential...i can be miserable all on my own, and i would rather do that than be miserable in a relationship...so, i will step out from the dynamic to talk about needs that aren't being met, because often i, personally, cannot do that in the dynamic...i don't know if that is right or wrong, it just is...but i have a way of coping with it....

take care
chelle


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RE: Negotiating/ reNegotiating - 3/26/2008 5:01:35 PM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline 		Depends. Things happen all the time that causes changes in life. Say you agreed to really violent role play and had no problem with it. Then comes a day when it goes too far and causes you major problems, why shouldn't you have the right to say that it needs to get toned down, or avoid that one aspect, or else stop completely? Because if he refused to discuss and change it, then you will not feel safe doing it and you'll eventually do whatever is necessary to protect yourself, including leaving.

That's a big thing. But there are small things. So why shouldn't I try to get a craving fulfilled occasionally, have something just for me, just to make me feel important and valued. If I've bought chocolate marshmallow ice cream followed by snickers, followed by rocky road, followed by chocolate chocolate chip etc, then what's wrong with me negotiating to get something strawberry just for once, or black cherry, or peach or anything else that's a non chocolate. What is so wrong with me having what I want sometimes and him suffering with a week of strawberry?

And what's wrong with me asking for a session filled with stuff I really love and we haven't done in a while? Or asking for a break from stuff I really don't like and just don't feel able to deal with dreading play all the time as a result? If my attitude goes from positive to negative, that signifies a problem in the relationship. And that means we have to talk about how to fix it if the relationship is going to last. Negotiation is just a term used to mean talking about and finding a fix for a problem either or both of us have.

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RE: Negotiating/ reNegotiating - 3/26/2008 5:12:41 PM   
chellekitty


Posts: 3923
Joined: 3/27/2005
Status: offline
quote:

Negotiation is just a term used to mean talking about and finding a fix for a problem either or both of us have.


i don't know about others, but many i have encountered in this lifestyle thrive on formal things, and to me negotiation is a formal way of talking about a problem and finding a solution that is agreeable to both...


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One thing I know: the only ones among you who will be really happy are those who will have sought and found how to serve. ~Albert Schweitzer

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RE: Negotiating/ reNegotiating - 3/26/2008 5:28:52 PM   
daddyncherry


Posts: 656
Joined: 10/9/2007
Status: offline 		i am totally not allowed to renegotiate anything.....and we never actually negotiated to begin with.

However, he does hear me and watch me (even though he doesn't let me know that he is doing it) and he looks to see my reaction to things and then he decides from there.

i never know going into play or anything else what will happen, i am just told to let go of the outcome and approach it with a smile and try not to fear. (not easy for me)


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Hugs,
cherry

Walking through life, and fear with a smile on my face.
Walking directly through the eye of the hurricane...and through to the other side..without fear....realizing everything will be okay. :)

being obedient 1day at a time

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RE: Negotiating/ reNegotiating - 3/26/2008 5:30:40 PM   
Leatherist


Posts: 5149
Joined: 12/11/2007
Status: offline 		I have a friend, I never negotiate. We just decide we like different things as we get to know each other better.

Why make a big production out of things-am I a construction project?

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RE: Negotiating/ reNegotiating - 3/26/2008 5:38:42 PM   
camille65


Posts: 5746
Joined: 7/11/2007
From: Austin Texas
Status: offline 		I think some simply like to use negotiating in their power exchange, as part of the 'exchange'. Personally I did no negotiating or setting of boundaries, I let him do that and there was never an issue where I had to say 'hey please we need to talk about this'. I can however see where it could happen and even happen on a semi regular basis. People do change, interests change. One may want to go edgier than the other is comfortable with and that is when the renegotiating comes in, just another word for discussion but with more formality. Formality, protocal etc are common elements in a lot of BDSM relationships. I think it would also be important at the beginning, before all the kinks are worked out () and the comfort levels found.

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