RE: a new POV (Full Version)

All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> Ask a Master



Message

camille65 -> RE: a new POV (3/27/2008 2:35:21 PM)

I count my entire life as my past history.



colouredin -> RE: a new POV (3/27/2008 2:57:54 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: domahpet
my question was simple really, how much history can this sub have?
bdsm, or life, cant really be all that much. right? 3 to 5 years maybe?
i left home at 13, thats where i start, before that i was my parents *shrugs*


Life, well im 21 I would say I have a pretty full history, I could share it? .... No.... where's everyone going?
No seriously though I would say that I have had more happen in my life in the last 5 years than a lot of people I have spoken to who are 10 years older.

and to Lynnxz, okies thanks :D (sorry for being a bit thick)



derfrewop -> RE: a new POV (3/27/2008 3:05:12 PM)

Sorry you got dumped on from the experience crowd. So let this old timer give you a hint. Nobody will ever tell you everything about their past and you probably don't want them to. I assume you are wanting this information from your sub to help you deal with them better. But what if there were some magical rite that made them give you everything? What would there be left to learn and explore between you? Actually getting everything would be a death knell for the relationship. Haven't you seen the old folks who never talk to each other because there literally is nothing left to talk about?

The other thing to think about here. What if your partner is trying to protect you? The mind set of a sub is pretty unusual and that generally means that some unusual things have happened to them. What if it turns out his childhood was the type that makes headlines? Like ten years locked in a closet or pimped out for a pair of sneakers? Victims of molestation and rape abound within our little culture: are you strong enough, compassionate enough and yes cruel enough to absorb all of it and move past? Or it could be something else like, his folks made all their money from the grow op in the basement and there is a lifetime of not talking about it to overcome.

When your relationship has grown enough in trust and depth, your sub will open up and tell you. You need to not worry about when or how. Instead, worry every day about weather or not you are worthy to receive the big secret. If you do that, then one day you will be told.



LuckyAlbatross -> RE: a new POV (3/27/2008 4:04:13 PM)

Is there enough time, security, stability to be conducuve to sharing?  Are you truly open to listening?



ThundersCry -> RE: a new POV (3/27/2008 8:43:31 PM)

Sounds like an interegation scene is in...order.



Focus50 -> RE: a new POV (3/28/2008 1:22:55 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: StrawberryDream

I have a new submissive who isn't opening up about his past... what  does anyone recomend...?


I'd recommend keeping your nose out of a new partner's past.  It ain't your business if it's not affecting the present and if you think it is your business to know, you start by explaining exactly why that is.... 
 
Most people in a new relationship are looking to move forward in their lives....  Dragging up the past just because you think you're entitled sounds like a good way to end a relationship.  I'd recommend small steps - VERY SMALL steps...!
 
Focus.



GiantSteps -> RE: a new POV (3/28/2008 1:36:56 AM)

SD, let's try an indirect question - how neccessary is knowing his past fillintheblank to your relationship?

All depending on the relationship with your sub, there still are areas of your submissives life that can be none of your business. I'm assuming that this isn't a TPE situation, and you used the term sub instead of slave. We've got some pretty heavy hitters out here - some who get paid for Domination - and they wouldn't think that they were being dissed because their submissives didn't gaily pass over their bank account numbers or ex-wives/girlfriends phone numbers. There are operative limits to any D/s relationship, which is why there's a whole lot of discussion that goes on before the gimp suit comes out.

Perhaps you could expand on the situ a bit. What is the nature of the information the sub is withholding, and how does it figure into the parameters of your relationship?



Thunderny -> RE: a new POV (3/29/2008 12:23:10 PM)

I had one sub that I hung up with leather restraints, started working with him with floggers, asking questions and was able after 20 min to open up to several things that happened to him in the past. It was  a  mind fuck. He got right into it and later told me he hadn't thought of those occurances in years. I got into his subzone. Time patience and lots of perserverance. It can be done.
Start with kneeling, talking, then slowly restraint, blindfold, and go for it.



Focus50 -> RE: a new POV (3/29/2008 1:42:34 PM)

Surely there's a big difference between something someone hasn't recalled in years compared to something they steadfastly refuse to discuss.... 
 
Substituting mind games and interrogation for what is clearly a trust issue (OP) would seem to me to be immaturity at best and likely "end game" for that relationship.
 
Focus.



awakenednj -> RE: a new POV (3/29/2008 6:30:46 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: colouredin

when you are 18 you dont ness have lots to be open about, its unlikely you have a broken down marriage or kids or whatever, you still may have had issues, but you dont have as much time to have accumulated the baggage therefore it stands to reason you have less baggage

quote:


i wasnt dissin the young ones at all.
just asking a question. seriously do you know alot of teenagers
with bdsm history?


the Op didnt actually ask about BDSM history just their history though.

To the OP trust takes time, some people are more private than others, people will open up to you when they want to, you cant force it, just be yourself and wait it out.


By the time I was 18 I had more history than most of my friends still have... not D/s, but you can get a lot done in after school hours if you put your mind to it :)

To the OP- If your sub is hiding something he (she?) might just be afraid of how you'll react. If at some random point they noticed you reacting to a story that is similar to something he's hiding??? If you really want him to open up to you, you have to show him that you can handle WHATEVER he'll tell you and not run away because of it. At that point in my life I really only shared things with people who said in one way or another that 'whatever is past is past'.

If it's something he's ashamed of it's not going to come out quickly or easily. Try to take if forcefully and you might get it - but you also might hurt or lose your sub.

I wish you luck!



colouredin -> RE: a new POV (3/30/2008 6:00:03 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: awakenednj
By the time I was 18 I had more history than most of my friends still have... not D/s, but you can get a lot done in after school hours if you put your mind to it :)


Which was kinda my point you can have lots of history but prob not so much D/s history and its a differant kind of history



belovedluck -> RE: a new POV (3/30/2008 11:00:12 PM)

ok, so i realize i'm a submissive.. but i had a similar quandry with my Sir, but as a sub. if hes not opening up about his past i have to wonder .. whats he hiding that he can't tell his Domme? i feel i can tell mt Sir all about me, so it makes me wonder if you have gained his trust fully?



Sageandaslave -> RE: a new POV (3/31/2008 4:19:51 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: StrawberryDream

I have a new submissive who isn't opening up about his past... what  does anyone recomend...?


I find that creating a foundation through trust and open communication allows the submissive to trust you, to be open with you.  Please forgive the analogy but I always take the approach of peeling back the layers of an onion.  Regardless, there may be a young vanilla history that needs nurturing.  Create a safe haven for the submissive, and all will be yours, remember submissives seek truth, they seek to be vulnerable with one who will give them structure and foundation.  Vulnerability is something that is to be unique to each individual.  Once you get them there, they will crave you, they will want to open up more and more, and little by little without the harshness of a push, you will get their devotion and respect.

As always,

Sage



SocialPerversion -> RE: a new POV (3/31/2008 6:06:21 PM)

OP: My suggestion would be to first work on the relationship. After trust and respect has been built they will more then likely open up to you.

Remember that if someone doesn't tell you some things about their past it may not be a sign of disrespect, some things are just left better buried and dead.

~~conquer4love~~



Page: <<   < prev  1 [2]

Valid CSS!




Collarchat.com © 2025
Terms of Service Privacy Policy Spam Policy
0.03125