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lost in the dark - 3/27/2008 5:30:06 AM

belovedluck

Posts: 4
Joined: 1/16/2008
Status: offline

so first of all... i really care for my Sir... and He says the same about me, He is my first Dom and i am puzzled about something...
He knows more about me than anyone on this planet (rightly so) and i want to know more about him... he hasn't hidden anything about himself that is imporant and makes it an unsafe relationship... but the little things i'd like to know he will not tell me and we had an arugement resulting in me crying and STILL not any closer to knowing. he has told me to back off.. and i am, but i still am curious...but gosh. i just feel like i let him into places no one else in my life has ever gone... so am i wrong for the curiosity?

Post #: 1

RE: lost in the dark - 3/27/2008 5:57:41 AM

CelticPrince

Posts: 3613
Joined: 4/15/2005
Status: offline

quote:

so first of all... i really care for my Sir... and He says the same about me, He is my first Dom and i am puzzled about something...
He knows more about me than anyone on this planet (rightly so) and i want to know more about him... he hasn't hidden anything about himself that is imporant and makes it an unsafe relationship... but the little things i'd like to know he will not tell me and we had an arugement resulting in me crying and STILL not any closer to knowing. he has told me to back off.. and i am, but i still am curious...but gosh. i just feel like i let him into places no one else in my life has ever gone... so am i wrong for the curiosity?

beloved,

How does one just 18 take on a master? The answer is one does' not! Your way too yourg to beable to appreciate if you have any rights at all. It sounds to me li8ke he is your Dominant, and if so yes you can be curious depending on the length of the relationship. Many "D"s just are guarded about themselves until the relationship matures.

CP

(in reply to belovedluck)

Post #: 2

RE: lost in the dark - 3/27/2008 6:55:47 AM

OmegaG

Posts: 1474
Joined: 10/23/2007
Status: offline

I don't think you are wrong for wanting to know everything you can about a person you care about. I do think it's evasive that you insist on choosing the time they divulge such information. Some people will tell you their life's story on a 4 hour plane ride, other's will take a lifetime to slowly reveal the same story. He and you just have a different philosophy on sharing.

I find that I enjoy learning about a person, not just by what they say, but when they choose to say it.

_____________________________

Regret for the things we did can be tempered by time; it is regret for the things we did not do that is inconsolable. Sydney J. Harris

Sex without pain is like food without taste.
- de Sade

(in reply to belovedluck)

Post #: 3

RE: lost in the dark - 3/27/2008 7:07:20 AM

sabirah

Posts: 97
Status: offline

greetings belovedluck,

As you are learning to trust in him, He is learning the same, for some it takes longer to build up their trust.
Curiosity killed the cat , but satisfaction brought it back.

_____________________________

sincerely,
sabirah

The room is silent, absolutely silent, except for the decisive click of the collar lock.
It is a sound the girl will never forget.

(in reply to belovedluck)

Post #: 4

RE: lost in the dark - 3/27/2008 7:08:12 AM

sirguym

Posts: 318
Joined: 8/10/2007
Status: offline

For a possible reason see:

http://www.collarchat.com/m_1739832/tm.htm

I have made the mistake before of revealing things that could be used against me, to someone who did, and again, and again.

It can lead one to be guarded about such things, especially to someone relatively new, until you trust them fully.

(in reply to OmegaG)

Post #: 5

RE: lost in the dark - 3/27/2008 7:15:47 AM

LilMissHaven

Posts: 734
Joined: 12/19/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: belovedluck

so first of all... i really care for my Sir... and He says the same about me, He is my first Dom and i am puzzled about something...
He knows more about me than anyone on this planet (rightly so) and i want to know more about him... he hasn't hidden anything about himself that is imporant and makes it an unsafe relationship... but the little things i'd like to know he will not tell me and we had an arugement resulting in me crying and STILL not any closer to knowing. he has told me to back off.. and i am, but i still am curious...but gosh. i just feel like i let him into places no one else in my life has ever gone... so am i wrong for the curiosity?

Trust takes years to build, it doesn't happen over night. If he isn't creating an unsafe environment for you and your happy why not just step back and let him tell you the little details as his trust in you grows? For some people much like myself the smallest detail tends to lead to the very source of their weakness, so what is a small detail to you could be a very large milestone for him. Be supportive, be patient, watch for clues and cues and love him.

I wish you the very best of luck,
haven

_____________________________

I must first learn to master myself, before I can truly be owned by one.

(in reply to belovedluck)

Post #: 6

RE: lost in the dark - 3/27/2008 7:53:32 AM

chamberqueen

Posts: 1597
Joined: 10/25/2007
From: Kalamazoo, MI
Status: offline

It is not uncommon for women to open up more easily than men. You love Him and want to know everything about Him, but He is under no obligation to share what he is not ready to or does not want to. Keep in mind that this is not a vanilla relationship and that as a good submissive you should respect His rights to keep silent. Is it always easy to be a sub? No. Is it worth it? That's up to you.

_____________________________

(in reply to belovedluck)

Post #: 7

RE: lost in the dark - 3/27/2008 8:19:24 AM

kinkypuppy2

Posts: 345
Joined: 11/4/2007
Status: offline

You have a long life in front of you, wht you think you now now and have experianced will be extremely small compaired to your growth in 5 yrs.

_____________________________

See nic "Kinkypupper" also as "slvseeker" As I cannot reply to any posts or log into collarchat under that name I had to create this profile.

(in reply to belovedluck)

Post #: 8

RE: lost in the dark - 3/27/2008 9:01:53 AM

DesFIP

Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline

It's up to you to decide if this is a deal breaker or not. If you need emotional intimacy on both sides, then that's what you need. And you have every right to decide that a relationship just isn't enough for you. Your call.

_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!

(in reply to kinkypuppy2)

Post #: 9

RE: lost in the dark - 3/27/2008 9:42:32 AM

Dnomyar

Posts: 7933
Joined: 6/27/2005
Status: offline

Im a dinosaur and no one knows everything about me. No need for them to. Your trying to pester him for information. Lighten up and let him bring it forth on his own.

(in reply to DesFIP)

Post #: 10

RE: lost in the dark - 3/27/2008 10:52:27 AM

mastervalentine

Posts: 157
Joined: 3/9/2008
Status: offline

As I stated elsewhere, there are things about myself I simply will not talk about. The reason isn't for a lack of trust but a simple desire to not be bound by my past. I just don't want to bring up those things again.

So the reason could have nothing to do with you. My best advice is to just give it time.

Who can make the muddy waters clear? Let them be still and they will clear on their own.

_____________________________

"If philosophy has taught me any one thing, it is that a rushed action invites disaster." ~MasterValentine

Say not, 'I have found the truth,' but rather, 'I have found a truth.' Kahlil Gibran

(in reply to Dnomyar)

Post #: 11

RE: lost in the dark - 3/27/2008 11:32:39 AM

akisha

Posts: 2071
Joined: 6/25/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: CelticPrince

beloved,

How does one just 18 take on a master? The answer is one does' not! Your way too yourg to beable to appreciate if you have any rights at all. It sounds to me li8ke he is your Dominant, and if so yes you can be curious depending on the length of the relationship. Many "D"s just are guarded about themselves until the relationship matures.

CP

I had my first Dominant when I was 17, what does age have to do with it?

If she chooses to call him her Master that is between them, no one has the right to judge whether he is or not a Master or a Dominant.

You can be very mature and insightful at the age of 18, but granted yes it is more rare.

OP - If he asked you to back off, then do it. If it's not pertinent to your relationship why is it worth risking your relationship just because you are "curious"
There are things about myself I have not told people I have known for years. Somethings take time and trust to be able to share with others.

Remember "curiosity killed the cat"

IS it really worht his anger and irritation and dissapointment with you just so you can find something out that isn't really that important. Except it as it is and forget about it. The more you push the more he's going to pull away.

_____________________________

I'm confused.... No wait!!! Maybe I'm not

It's not a blonde moment! It's momentary peroxide posioning. ;)

Your pain makes me smile ~ Happy Bunny

532-095-649

(in reply to CelticPrince)

Post #: 12

RE: lost in the dark - 3/27/2008 3:54:22 PM

Real_Trouble

Posts: 471
Joined: 2/25/2008
Status: offline

My commentary:

First, everyone has certain comfort levels within relationships regarding information exchange, and feeling those out successfully is one of the keys to a healthy relationship in any form (not just BDSM). If there are things you want to know which are also things he does not want to tell you, the two of you will need to find a way to put that situation to bed. Either you have to back off, he has to relent, or you need to find a compromise; depending on the relative strength of preference and desire regarding these things, trust issues like this can be dealbreakers early on.

I have certainly dumped people for pushing too hard, and would do so again in the future. I do not trust easily, and take time to truly warm up to people.

So on one hand, you should tread lightly. On the other hand, if you really do feel like you need to know and will not be happy without knowing, and he will not tell you, pestering him incessantly and picking fights about it will not help. You need to draw the line and ultimately realize that if you will not feel trusted and fulfilled without that, you can't change him (at least with him still being happy to be in the relationship) by berating him into it or manipulating him. Either be patient and wait, or get up and walk. Or, in short, you can lead a horse to water, but...

Two,

Ignore the poster being self-righteous about age. Everyone has their own standards of maturity and behavior; I know some truly asinine and immature people who are retired, and I know some very together and capable teens. People will always run the gamut, and your personal situation is just that - yours and personal. Make your judgments on your own and don't listen to people making baseless generalizations.

Of course, that might mean you shouldn't listen to my generalization about it, but that would just be getting silly.

Good luck, and enjoy.

< Message edited by Real_Trouble -- 3/27/2008 3:55:27 PM >

_____________________________

Send lawyers, guns, and money.

(in reply to akisha)

Post #: 13

RE: lost in the dark - 3/27/2008 4:01:07 PM

Noah

Posts: 1660
Joined: 7/5/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: belovedluck

so first of all... i really care for my Sir... and He says the same about me, He is my first Dom and i am puzzled about something...
He knows more about me than anyone on this planet (rightly so) and i want to know more about him... he hasn't hidden anything about himself that is imporant and makes it an unsafe relationship... but the little things i'd like to know he will not tell me and we had an arugement resulting in me crying and STILL not any closer to knowing. he has told me to back off.. and i am, but i still am curious...but gosh. i just feel like i let him into places no one else in my life has ever gone... so am i wrong for the curiosity?

There are various sorts of intimacy. Relationships usually involve more than one kind mixed in to varying degrees.

For some people, the sort of intimacy you crave more of is one of the rewards of a relationship.

For other people, that sort of intimacy is one of the costs.

Wonderful people can be found in both groups.

It may be, as others have said, that he goes about this more carefully than you do. It may also be that you and he are simply not compatible in this one sense.That doesn't imply that you are incompatible overall as a couple.

In D/s terms you might be able, if you chose to, to contextualize "putting up with the lack" you feel here as one more instance of your submission to his will.

In S&M terms you might be able to contextualize this emotional pain your experiencing as another gift of pain from him (readers please choose another term if reading the word "gift" activates your irritable bowel syndrome.) Whether or not he intends this to be painful for you need not limit your range of choices in deciding how to process the experience. You can process any pain masochistically, if you choose to.

Furthermore, he might choose to make this sort of sacrifice for you. He's in charge, isn't he? And so he can do this as well as other things he might choose.

Best of luck.

(in reply to belovedluck)

Post #: 14

RE: lost in the dark - 3/27/2008 4:16:26 PM

batshalom

Posts: 1990
Joined: 9/17/2007
Status: offline

~Fast Reply~

If you have asked many times, and it leads to a confrontation and upset (like your vignette about crying) it could well be a point of contention with him now, and the more you ask, insist, wheedle, whine, and cry, perhaps the more silent he will be for a longer period of time. He is in charge of disclosing what he wishes when he wishes. It's up to you to accept it.

Submitting isn't easy. If it was, there'd be no vanilla. I wish you luck.

(in reply to Noah)

Post #: 15

RE: lost in the dark - 3/27/2008 4:44:48 PM

girlygurl

Posts: 6973
Joined: 8/5/2007
From: in the palms of His hands
Status: offline

IMO~ Some take more time than others to open up, so maybe he just needs more time. That being said.... I would have to wonder why he doesn't want to share "the little things" and what are those little things?

I suppose if the overall relationship you have with him is good and he does communicate about most things... well, maybe those little things will come with time beloved. Good luck to you.

girly

_____________________________

i see You

happily forever one

(in reply to batshalom)

Post #: 16

RE: lost in the dark - 3/27/2008 5:09:41 PM

TreasureKY

Posts: 3032
Joined: 4/10/2007
From: Kentucky
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: belovedluck

so first of all... i really care for my Sir... and He says the same about me, He is my first Dom and i am puzzled about something...
He knows more about me than anyone on this planet (rightly so) and i want to know more about him... he hasn't hidden anything about himself that is imporant and makes it an unsafe relationship... but the little things i'd like to know he will not tell me and we had an arugement resulting in me crying and STILL not any closer to knowing. he has told me to back off.. and i am, but i still am curious...but gosh. i just feel like i let him into places no one else in my life has ever gone... so am i wrong for the curiosity?

You know... I'm not going to jump onto the "he's in charge so gets to decide" bandwagon. I don't necessarily disagree with that assessment, nor do I disagree with those who say you simply have to decide if you can accept his taking longer to open up. However, I'm fully aware that it entirely depends upon just what is he leaving you curious about...

"...he hasn't hidden anything about himself that is imporant and makes it an unsafe relationship..."

That could mean different things to different people. I can relate to a dom I once talked to... he would have said that it was only important for me to know that what he wanted was compatible with what I wanted, and that his behavior as evidenced by our communications should assure me that he was genuine and had only my best interests at heart. Little details like his real name, where he worked, his telephone number... those weren't revealed to me as they were "unimportant".

Suffice it to say, I didn't agree with him. Oh sure, he tried to make me feel guilty for wanting to know; he pulled the "trust card", accused me of not being a "real" submissive, and had a fit when he discovered that I was attempting to discover his true identity. lol... To say he told me to back off would be an understatement.

To make a long story, short... the guy was lying through his teeth to me about himself. Almost by accident I eventually discovered who he really was, long after he disappeared. I thank my lucky stars as when I did find out, it was upon discovering him in a local police department's "most wanted" list for aggravated sexual assault.

Only you know what it is that has been revealed in your case. Be wise and trust your instincts.

< Message edited by TreasureKY -- 3/27/2008 5:11:24 PM >

(in reply to belovedluck)

Post #: 17

RE: lost in the dark - 3/27/2008 5:25:28 PM

psykocloud

Posts: 50
Joined: 1/25/2006
Status: offline

he may just be a very private person. My Master and Mistress are very private people telling me over and over again they do not want everyone knowing certain things about them. Let it go! Over time, he may tell you more about him.....

*Sir's little succulent*

(in reply to TreasureKY)

Post #: 18

RE: lost in the dark - 3/28/2008 2:23:58 AM

GiantSteps

Posts: 61
Joined: 3/23/2008
From: Nigh Philadelphia
Status: offline

belovedluck;

This is a strange kind of bookend to another post on this same board entitled "another POV," in which a Dom is concerned about not getting information from her sub. My answer to you is going to be different than mine to her, because you are in two different positions.

When a submissive opens the floodgates and all the information spills out, it's a very... disrobing experience. There you are, all your cards on the table, and you're waiting for some security in a similar disclosure.

I use that, as a Dominant. I have your life story, you don't need mine - I'm driving. D/s is not a parity situation, and leaving you out there feeling naked is a good way to hammer this inequality home, especially in the early stages.(Incidentally, it's also one of the main ways predators take advantage of newbie subs; not sayin' that's the case here, but it is one of the briar patches.)

You say that "really care" for your Master, and I'm assuming that you mean this in a vanilla sense, not just some kind of subbie bliss. If so, that throws into motion the kind of drive that most women have when they are attracted to another - you need to know every lil thing about him, because it makes you feel closer to him. That drive can run contrary to the submissive discipline.

Unless there is some disturbing lack of information - which you say there is not - consider this sonnet by Shakespeare:

BEING your slave, what should I do but tend
Upon the hours and times of your desire?
I have no precious time at all to spend,
Nor services to do, till you require.
Nor dare I chide the world-without-end hour
Whilst I, my sovereign, watch the clock for you,
Nor think the bitterness of absence sour
When you have bid your servant once adieu;
Nor dare I question with my jealous thought
Where you may be, or your affairs suppose,
But, like a sad slave, stay and think of nought
Save, where you are how happy you make those!

< Message edited by GiantSteps -- 3/28/2008 2:58:06 AM >

(in reply to psykocloud)

Post #: 19

RE: lost in the dark - 3/28/2008 8:28:55 AM

SimplyMichael

Posts: 7229
Joined: 1/7/2007
Status: offline

It all depends.

Do you want someone who is an enigma to you? Some do and find it hot. The question is, are you one of them?

For me, I want a partner who shares as deeply of herself as I do of myself but that doesn't work for everyone.

(in reply to GiantSteps)

Post #: 20

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