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RE: Handling a mistake as a Master/Dom - 3/27/2008 8:18:36 PM   
Sweet1Maybe4U


Posts: 144
Joined: 8/1/2006
Status: offline 		well...I do wish You all the best.
Meet her for coffee...honestly tell her how You are feeling. Listen to what she has to say. Time does heal all clean wounds. Get it all out in the open with loving voices and let it heal.

hugs,
(marva)SirTED

_____________________________

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(in reply to cuddlemesoft)
Profile   Post #: 41
RE: Handling a mistake as a Master/Dom - 3/27/2008 8:19:59 PM   
Sweet1Maybe4U


Posts: 144
Joined: 8/1/2006
Status: offline 		Dang, Im not trying to make you feel bad. That wanst my intention at all. Was just speaking from experience, that's all. Geez....now I feel bad.


_____________________________

It usually takes more than three weeks to prepare a good impromptu speech.
Mark Twain (1835 - 1910)

(in reply to Sweet1Maybe4U)
Profile   Post #: 42
RE: Handling a mistake as a Master/Dom - 3/27/2008 8:21:35 PM   
YourDaddy123


Posts: 20
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Sweet1Maybe4U

well...I do wish You all the best.
Meet her for coffee...honestly tell her how You are feeling. Listen to what she has to say. Time does heal all clean wounds. Get it all out in the open with loving voices and let it heal.

hugs,
(marva)SirTED

Thank you very much for you insight and wisdom in this matter.  we will see what happens time will tell

(in reply to Sweet1Maybe4U)
Profile   Post #: 43
RE: Handling a mistake as a Master/Dom - 3/27/2008 8:23:02 PM   
YourDaddy123


Posts: 20
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Sweet1Maybe4U

Dang, Im not trying to make you feel bad. That wanst my intention at all. Was just speaking from experience, that's all. Geez....now I feel bad.


Dont feel bad, i am the one that did the infraction and hurt some one speical so i need to feel bad so i will learn

(in reply to Sweet1Maybe4U)
Profile   Post #: 44
RE: Handling a mistake as a Master/Dom - 3/27/2008 8:27:18 PM   
Leatherist


Posts: 5149
Joined: 12/11/2007
Status: offline 		It comes best through communicating the understanding that one feels shame for having broken trust to begin with.
 
 One owns up to the wrong without rationalization or denial.
 
  Then you wait for the response to understand what damage your actions or lack of have done. Try to think about it without beating yourself up over it too much.
 
 Together you try to figure out the place that it came from,and how to correct it. In the case of a Top-this is often going to be a bit one sided-and a sub will not want to enforce the boundaries you set on yourself-that is not why she is there. So you will bear a double burden of responsibility in this regard.
 
 Then you atone. You atone by catching yourself when you find yourself slipping back into a negative pattern that will damage your relationship. You don't make excuses for yourself that will allow this to occur. And every time you find yourself fucking up-you correct yourself NOW-not after the fact.
 
 And you do it for a LONG LONG time.
 
 It's the only thing that is going to work. If you cannot control yourself-you won't be seen as worthy of doing it with another-that's the rub.
 

_____________________________

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I'm not taking custom orders.

(in reply to YourDaddy123)
Profile   Post #: 45
RE: Handling a mistake as a Master/Dom - 3/27/2008 8:32:07 PM   
Sweet1Maybe4U


Posts: 144
Joined: 8/1/2006
Status: offline 		*smiles
This reminds me of when my grandfather told one of the younger children to stay away from the hot stove. He had told Him a couple of times and after He had moved his hand away for the 2nd time He was silent and rocked in his chair. My cousin burned his hand and when everyone said, Why didnt you stop him!!!??
He rocked and said, I told him and He still had to learn for Himself.
See, wisdom is a good thing but it comes with a price. Now youve seen what hurt does. How you respond is up to you. I didnt have to touch the stove. I just sat in my grandfather's lap and watched. Sometimes we dont have to actually do the damage to ourselves if we learn to see the signs beforehand.
But...now you know. I think things now will be different always for You. You will remember. That's a positive outcome for You.  and it makes You a better Dominant.

hugs

_____________________________

It usually takes more than three weeks to prepare a good impromptu speech.
Mark Twain (1835 - 1910)

(in reply to YourDaddy123)
Profile   Post #: 46
RE: Handling a mistake as a Master/Dom - 3/27/2008 8:32:40 PM   
YourDaddy123


Posts: 20
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Leatherist

It comes best through communicating the understanding that one feels shame for having broken trust to begin with.
 
 One owns up to the wrong without rationalization or denial.
 
   Together you try to figure out the place that it came from,and how to correct it. In the case of a Top-this is often going to be a bit one sided-and a sub will not want to enforce the boundaries you set on yourself-that is not why she is there. So you will bear a double burden of responsibility in this regard.
 
 Then you atone. You atone by catching yourself when you find yourself slipping back into a negative pattern that will damage your relationship. You don't make excuses for yourself that will allow this to occur. And every time you find yourself fucking up-you correct yourself NOW-not after the fact.
 
 And you do it for a LONG LONG time.
 
 It's the only thing that is going to work. If you cannot control yourself-you won't be seen as worthy of doing it with another-that's the rub.
 


To know what caused it is easy a full and total laspe of judgement, to correct it, thats the hardest part of this whole thing..but it has be be fixed

(in reply to Leatherist)
Profile   Post #: 47
RE: Handling a mistake as a Master/Dom - 3/27/2008 8:36:00 PM   
Sweet1Maybe4U


Posts: 144
Joined: 8/1/2006
Status: offline 		Leatherist,

I like Your answer. You always give good answers...

G'night

(marva)SirTED

_____________________________

It usually takes more than three weeks to prepare a good impromptu speech.
Mark Twain (1835 - 1910)

(in reply to Sweet1Maybe4U)
Profile   Post #: 48
RE: Handling a mistake as a Master/Dom - 3/27/2008 8:40:08 PM   
Leatherist


Posts: 5149
Joined: 12/11/2007
Status: offline 		A Cherokee Legend
An old Cherokee is teaching his grandson about life. "A fight is going on inside me," he said to the boy.
"It is a terrible fight and it is between two wolves. One is evil - he is anger, envy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority, and ego." He continued, "The other is good - he is joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion, and faith. The same fight is going on inside you - and inside every other person, too."
The grandson thought about it for a minute and then asked his grandfather, "Which wolf will win?"
The old Cherokee simply replied, "The one you feed."

_____________________________

My shop is currently segueing into production mode.

I'm not taking custom orders.

(in reply to Sweet1Maybe4U)
Profile   Post #: 49
RE: Handling a mistake as a Master/Dom - 3/27/2008 8:41:33 PM   
cuddlemesoft


Posts: 47
Joined: 3/20/2008
Status: offline 		Some things are just broken forever. Hopefully she isnt shaken too bad by the experience and wont suffer long term trust issues. Doms make mistake and they are human but they are also given a lot of power and abuse of that power could really devastate someone who is fragile or new to bdsm.

(in reply to YourDaddy123)
Profile   Post #: 50
RE: Handling a mistake as a Master/Dom - 3/27/2008 8:45:24 PM   
YourDaddy123


Posts: 20
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: cuddlemesoft

Some things are just broken forever. Hopefully she isnt shaken too bad by the experience and wont suffer long term trust issues. Doms make mistake and they are human but they are also given a lot of power and abuse of that power could really devastate someone who is fragile or new to bdsm.

Yes somethings will never be put back together, sometimes they are put back stronger. 
And you are right with Dom's power to really hurt someone emotionally and so easily and most subs even if their not new are still very fragile and should always be treated the right way

(in reply to cuddlemesoft)
Profile   Post #: 51
RE: Handling a mistake as a Master/Dom - 3/27/2008 8:50:03 PM   
AquaticSub


Posts: 14867
Joined: 12/27/2005
Status: offline 		~Fast Reply~

I can't help but think that this might actually be a good thing. Odd, I know but the reality is that you are just human, no matter how domly. If you continue in this relationship, you will screw up again. Unless you did something really bad, odds are that if you stay together long enough you will screw up worse than this. She needs to understand that doms fuck up and you need to know how to make it right.

I hope things work out but without know exactly what happened I can't say how we would handle it. I don't expect perfection, so for me and mine, it's how badly the trust was broken, what your intentions were, what you are going to do to fix it, and how well you stick to that.

_____________________________

Without my dominance you cannot submit. Without your submission I cannot dominate. You are my equal in this, though our roles are different.-Val

It was ok for him to beat me but then he tried to cuddle me! - Me

Member:Clan of the Scarlet O'Hair

(in reply to YourDaddy123)
Profile   Post #: 52
RE: Handling a mistake as a Master/Dom - 3/27/2008 8:54:58 PM   
katie978


Posts: 352
Joined: 7/21/2007
Status: offline 		  Now, realizing this might make more or less sense depending on how egregious your error, but if this post were from your sub's point of view, the response would be completely different.
  Whenever a sub comes on here with the big bad dom sob story, they smother her with sympathy like pancake syrup. Hell, I'm guilty of it myself.
   Seeing as we don't know whether you tried to take control of the laundry and washed your new red shirt with her whites or tried to take control of a barfight and accidently killed her brother, it's difficult to say whether or not you deserve forgiveness. May be you need to cut your losses and move onto a relationship that's stable from hour to hour, instead of all over the charts.
  Perhaps you lost control because nothing else in your relationship was in control.

(in reply to AquaticSub)
Profile   Post #: 53
RE: Handling a mistake as a Master/Dom - 3/27/2008 9:02:00 PM   
YourDaddy123


Posts: 20
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: katie978

Now, realizing this might make more or less sense depending on how egregious your error, but if this post were from your sub's point of view, the response would be completely different.
Whenever a sub comes on here with the big bad dom sob story, they smother her with sympathy like pancake syrup. Hell, I'm guilty of it myself.
  Seeing as we don't know whether you tried to take control of the laundry and washed your new red shirt with her whites or tried to take control of a barfight and accidently killed her brother, it's difficult to say whether or not you deserve forgiveness. May be you need to cut your losses and move onto a relationship that's stable from hour to hour, instead of all over the charts.
Perhaps you lost control because nothing else in your relationship was in control.

Its funny you should say that i was jsut emailing back someone that was giving me a side of a story and i was thinking whats his side of it?  I found years ago that there is 3 sides to every story he said she said and the truth.  All of which can be influanced by outside sources which cause us to look for something that wasnt really there..
and your last statement that is an interseting theory and one that may need more though when i am in my right mind and not lacking sleep and food

(in reply to katie978)
Profile   Post #: 54
RE: Handling a mistake as a Master/Dom - 3/27/2008 9:06:48 PM   
MaximumPain


Posts: 3
Joined: 3/27/2008
Status: offline 		Havnt i already posted that youve lost the trust therfore lost everything. You broke something already fragile.
Try and learn from your mistake and dont have it happen again. Next time you might not be lucky enough to walk away.

(in reply to katie978)
Profile   Post #: 55
RE: Handling a mistake as a Master/Dom - 3/27/2008 9:07:53 PM   
MissMenagerie


Posts: 66
Joined: 2/10/2008
Status: offline 		Short response from long experience:

Yes.

(in reply to YourDaddy123)
Profile   Post #: 56
RE: Handling a mistake as a Master/Dom - 3/27/2008 9:09:08 PM   
AquaticSub


Posts: 14867
Joined: 12/27/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: MaximumPain

Havnt i already posted that youve lost the trust therfore lost everything. You broke something already fragile.
Try and learn from your mistake and dont have it happen again. Next time you might not be lucky enough to walk away.



Yeah you've posted it but saying it again doesn't make you right. Trust can be earned again, it simply depends on how severe the mistake was, how willing he is to work, and how forgiving she is. That last part is very key - you see, only she gets to decide if she has lost trust in him and everything is over, not you.

_____________________________

Without my dominance you cannot submit. Without your submission I cannot dominate. You are my equal in this, though our roles are different.-Val

It was ok for him to beat me but then he tried to cuddle me! - Me

Member:Clan of the Scarlet O'Hair

(in reply to MaximumPain)
Profile   Post #: 57
RE: Handling a mistake as a Master/Dom - 3/27/2008 9:13:03 PM   
YourDaddy123


Posts: 20
Status: offline 		/

< Message edited by YourDaddy123 -- 3/27/2008 9:15:24 PM >

(in reply to MaximumPain)
Profile   Post #: 58
RE: Handling a mistake as a Master/Dom - 3/27/2008 9:26:20 PM   
cuddlemesoft


Posts: 47
Joined: 3/20/2008
Status: offline 		As entertaining as this was I am going to bed.

(in reply to YourDaddy123)
Profile   Post #: 59
RE: Handling a mistake as a Master/Dom - 3/27/2008 9:27:57 PM   
YourDaddy123


Posts: 20
Status: offline 		Time will tell how this story plays out

< Message edited by YourDaddy123 -- 3/27/2008 9:39:43 PM >

(in reply to cuddlemesoft)
Profile   Post #: 60
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