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RE: Spill all..or a white lie? - 3/28/2008 10:23:09 AM

adoracat

Posts: 1779
Joined: 2/16/2007
Status: offline

i think one of the most awkward moments i've ever had was after meeting a dominant who resembled my father. my skin literally crawled when he shook my hand. i could talk to him just fine but i didnt wish to be touched by him at all.

he was really angry that i turned him down, told me that i was NEVER going to find someone on collarme.

fortunately for me, he was wrong.

kitten

(in reply to xxblushesxx)

Post #: 21

RE: Spill all..or a white lie? - 3/28/2008 10:25:42 AM

MissHarlet

Posts: 2728
Joined: 9/11/2005
From: El Paso , TX US
Status: offline

Did you tell him why you turned him down ?? He should have appreciated your honesty if you did...... obviously he was wrong about your finding a Master so chalk it up to his loss ... and <weg> hope he reads this thread !

_____________________________

Protectress of hearts/souls of all submissives calling Bounty's Place home, by order of Bounty~Proprietor

To be respected you must be respectful, to be loved you must be willing to love,
to be trusted you must be willing to trust.

(in reply to adoracat)

Post #: 22

RE: Spill all..or a white lie? - 3/28/2008 5:30:39 PM

LPslittleclip

Posts: 1163
Joined: 9/29/2007
Status: offline

if you cant be honest with yourself than how can you be so with a dominant. it is hard for some who are submissive to voice disinterest but they must be honest.the truth works. just say what your feeling and you might find that they feel the same. you will gain much more respect for a honest response than a less than honest one no matter how well intentioned it may be.

(in reply to MissHarlet)

Post #: 23

RE: Spill all..or a white lie? - 3/28/2008 5:34:42 PM

softness

Posts: 2918
Joined: 8/1/2006
From: Leeds, UK
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: wideeyedgirl

This question is drawing from my personal experiences past few months and a friends current decision to make. Kinda got me thinking..
when you meet Someone and it is..just..not.happening. at. all.
How long do you have to stay to be polite? do you tell them why, even if its rude? (BO, unkempt, werid vibe, not as the represented themselves..?) Or just smile, say something nice, and use the pattened "Its not you..its me", line? Especially if its not something a person can change.

How does being submissive (aka: usually nice!) and being polite still balance with getting a person to know..there is no chance?

be just as you would be in normallife, just because its a kinky person doesn't mean they should be treated any different

me.. I would enjoy the meal or drink, be nice and polite .. and then say a firm goodbye at the end .. if they pushed for a reason .. be polite .. and honest ..there is no need for cruelty unless they push you to it

< Message edited by softness -- 3/28/2008 5:35:45 PM >

_____________________________

proudly wearing the blue collar of consideration to DK Leather, Leatherdykeuk, and LeatherEagle of the UK KRueL Leather Family

veritas, respectus honorque in corio

(in reply to wideeyedgirl)

Post #: 24

RE: Spill all..or a white lie? - 3/28/2008 7:46:53 PM

LuckyAlbatross

Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline

I give them a general three chances rule. I just say "Hey I'm sorry but I'm not interested." and then a firmer "No, this isn't going to happen" and then I just walk away.

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to softness)

Post #: 25

RE: Spill all..or a white lie? - 3/28/2008 7:56:09 PM

MasterFireMaam

Posts: 5587
Joined: 3/1/2006
From: Charleston, WV
Status: offline

"I'm sorry, I'm just not feeling the kind of chemistry I need to feel in order to pursue the relationship I want. But, I really appreciate your interest!"

Master Fire

_____________________________

The power of who we are can be intoxicating. The power of who we could be is humbling.
-----
Ms Relationship Books
-----
BDSM How-To Books

(in reply to wideeyedgirl)

Post #: 26

RE: Spill all..or a white lie? - 3/29/2008 6:43:10 AM

sambamanslilgirl

Posts: 10926
Joined: 2/5/2007
From: Chicago, IL
Status: offline

recently, i have been on the other side of your problem where the "Dominants" couldn't tell me that we weren't just a good fit ...especially when they're the ones who approached me first. i don't appreciate the lack of common curtesy from these men however i'm not bitter since i did the right thing by telling them what they couldn't tell me. it's funny reading their lame excuses to why they haven't responded back to me. my kindergartener could come up with better lies than what they gave me.

_____________________________

...2011 - year of the fabulous rock star life ...and i do it so well...

...announcing Mr. & Mrs. British Petrol ...yeah, marrying into oil is slick business...

(in reply to wideeyedgirl)

Post #: 27

RE: Spill all..or a white lie? - 3/29/2008 6:47:37 AM

camille65

Posts: 5746
Joined: 7/11/2007
From: Austin Texas
Status: offline

My instinct was to say that ofcourse I tell someone right away that I don't feel 'it'. After thinking about it though I realised that a lot of times I don't realise that immediately, sometimes it will be something that I don't see for awhile. That makes it a bit harder when it is only seen after getting together several times. I may not know that they have something that totally squicks me out like awful table manners, or that they are rude to service people etc. When I do realise it however I tell them I don't think it will work. Depending on why, I may or may not tell them the details but I try not to let it go on when I know that it just ain't going to happen.

_____________________________

~Love your life! (It is the only one you'll get).

(in reply to sambamanslilgirl)

Post #: 28

RE: Spill all..or a white lie? - 3/29/2008 12:26:34 PM

adoracat

Posts: 1779
Joined: 2/16/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: MissHarlet

Did you tell him why you turned him down ?? He should have appreciated your honesty if you did...... obviously he was wrong about your finding a Master so chalk it up to his loss ... and <weg> hope he reads this thread !

actually, yes, i did, when he asked why i wouldnt see him again. and he knew about the history of abuse also.

and he knows about me finding Daddy, he IM'ed me randomly for weeks afterwards to get me to cyber with him (which i didnt) and then would berate me that no, i didnt have a Master when i said that i was not allowed to play online or not. i think he finally got the hint after the 5th polite rejection on my part.

kitten, whose Daddy encourages her to be a bitch to other dominants who deserve such behavior (although normally i dont)

(in reply to MissHarlet)

Post #: 29

RE: Spill all..or a white lie? - 3/29/2008 8:02:57 PM

angelbluewingsz

Posts: 324
Joined: 10/10/2004
Status: offline

I showed a guy the door during sex cuz it just wasnt all that good- in fact, I spent the time deciding what color to paint my toe nails... It actually turned out well, my neighbor caught a glimpse of me, naked in the door way and now we have regular trists when his wife is at work!

(in reply to xxblushesxx)

Post #: 30

RE: Spill all..or a white lie? - 3/29/2008 9:25:17 PM

katie978

Posts: 352
Joined: 7/21/2007
Status: offline

~fast reply~

Depends on how they misrepresented themselves or the bad vibe I'm getting.

If it was a little white lie, like they told me they were taller than they were, I stay polite and just never set up another date. Same goes for no connection-it's nobody's fault, and we can both tell, so there's no need to explain. If they asked me, I would of course let them know what the problem was.

If they blatantly lied, like about their relationship status or some other deal-breaker, then I will tell them, and leave mid-date. This is a point where I might get rude, since they were obviously trying to deceive me, they aren't worth being polite to.

< Message edited by katie978 -- 3/29/2008 9:28:40 PM >

(in reply to wideeyedgirl)

Post #: 31

RE: Spill all..or a white lie? - 3/29/2008 9:36:37 PM

MissHarlet

Posts: 2728
Joined: 9/11/2005
From: El Paso , TX US
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: adoracat

quote:

ORIGINAL: MissHarlet

Did you tell him why you turned him down ?? He should have appreciated your honesty if you did...... obviously he was wrong about your finding a Master so chalk it up to his loss ... and <weg> hope he reads this thread !

actually, yes, i did, when he asked why i wouldnt see him again. and he knew about the history of abuse also.

and he knows about me finding Daddy, he IM'ed me randomly for weeks afterwards to get me to cyber with him (which i didnt) and then would berate me that no, i didnt have a Master when i said that i was not allowed to play online or not. i think he finally got the hint after the 5th polite rejection on my part.

kitten, whose Daddy encourages her to be a bitch to other dominants who deserve such behavior (although normally i dont)

You have proved him wrong about not finding a Master and that is the best revenge <EG>

< Message edited by MissHarlet -- 3/29/2008 9:37:57 PM >

_____________________________

Protectress of hearts/souls of all submissives calling Bounty's Place home, by order of Bounty~Proprietor

To be respected you must be respectful, to be loved you must be willing to love,
to be trusted you must be willing to trust.

(in reply to adoracat)

Post #: 32

RE: Spill all..or a white lie? - 3/30/2008 12:47:25 AM

StormsSlave

Posts: 629
Joined: 2/6/2008
Status: offline

I'm with most of the folks on here: how about a happy medium?

I would say, "Look, you look like a nice guy, so I'm going to be honest. I'm just not feeling it here. Thanks for taking the time to meet me. Sorry it didn't work out." Then I would walk.

Telling him he has bo or is too fat or too ugly helps no one except you justify your reasons when the only reason you really need is that you don't wanna.

_____________________________

Congratulate me...I'm a missus!!

--nobody's resident anything.

(in reply to MissHarlet)

Post #: 33

RE: Spill all..or a white lie? - 3/30/2008 8:16:16 AM

metalmiss

Posts: 341
Joined: 5/4/2005
From: Croydon, UK
Status: offline

My advice would be that you just have to be honest.. as has probably been said here already, it might be something the other person is not even aware of..
Being straight about the problem in a polite way is the answer here, its the only way people ever learn. If the problem is something they can't change, then surely that comes down to incompatibility between the two people?

Being submissive is not about having to be extremely and unduely nice to people, it takes strength to be submissive, it requires integrity & loyalty not only to the people you would submit to, but to yourself. Hiding the way you think and feel about a person just so that you won't bruise their ego or appear "unsubmissive" is simply being dishonest to that person. i am very submissive myself.. but if i have a problem with something in my life i make sure the other person involved knows about it.. even if that Person is my Master. And i know He wouldn't have it any other way.

If they don't have a chance, whether it's a lack of chemistry or it just feels wrong.. Be honest and open about it, there's no point leading somebody on in any way, shape or form just to conform with the way that people seem to think submissive's should behave. All that does over time is project a bad image onto you as far as others might be concerned. Dragging it out just to be polite is not healthy for you or them & in the long run they will appreciate your honesty.

Hope that helps.. xx

< Message edited by metalmiss -- 3/30/2008 8:18:38 AM >

(in reply to wideeyedgirl)

Post #: 34

RE: Spill all..or a white lie? - 3/30/2008 11:38:52 AM

xxblushesxx

Posts: 9318
Joined: 11/3/2005
From: Kentucky
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: angelbluewingsz

I showed a guy the door during sex cuz it just wasnt all that good- in fact, I spent the time deciding what color to paint my toe nails... It actually turned out well, my neighbor caught a glimpse of me, naked in the door way and now we have regular trists when his wife is at work!

How lovely for you.

_____________________________

~Christina

A nice girl with a disturbing hobby

My femdom findom blog: http://www.MistressAvarice.com

(in reply to angelbluewingsz)

Post #: 35

RE: Spill all..or a white lie? - 3/30/2008 3:32:14 PM

HerLord

Posts: 697
Joined: 2/14/2008
Status: offline

The Truth, in this case, as in all, Shall set you free.

Honesty is ALWAYS the only answer I consider. If you are trying to be nice... talk to some one else. If you lack the intestinal fortitude to be honest with them...

best of luck

_____________________________

"People as a whole think they want to hear the truth, until they hear it." -Stormism

(in reply to wideeyedgirl)

Post #: 36

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