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subofyourwill -> RE: I want to fall in love with my future Mistress (4/16/2008 1:43:50 AM)
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Hey petpete,
I'm not going to tear apart what you said or anything. It's a good thing to ask, I just want to answer the questions you put forth to reach a better understanding.
how did the abandoning happen? Did she just leave you? or did she ask you to join a poly.
The important thing to understand here was that during this time she was pregnant and highly volatile. I tried my best of appease her, but nothing I did was right enough. She left to visit her parents for a week and told me she would be right back. She then called me up and told me she had another sub. She had brought home other subs before and I had no problem with this, she had always been looking for another permanent sub, but had failed to find one she was satisfied with. I told her I was happy for her and would accommodate her however she wished. She then said she was going to see her frequently, I responded that it wasn't my decision and that I just wanted her to be happy. She then said without me and I replied that it was fine, that I knew she liked to see other people and it doesn't bother me, the relationship has always been open. Then she laughed and said no you're out, consider this making it a little more open. Then she hung up. We had been living together for three years and had been seeing each other for over five. This happened on a whim. I asked her what I had done wrong and she said nothing. She had just grown tired of "it". She had our son and now lives almost 200 miles away from me. I see him once a month when it fits with her schedule. Her friends talk to me frequently, they don't know why she did what she did and insist that I was "perfect". The only thing I could consider as a negative change was the loss of my optimistic viewpoint which died thanks to my college education and my physical body went a bit to hell due to a car wreck I was in a about two years back. But I've been recovering physically and have lost a good deal of weight. I have no problem with Poly, in fact I'd love to be in that situation. The most negative trait about myself is the necessity for companionship, I need connection and love. I guess it's a form of validation to me. If I don't have someone who cares about me I feel relatively worthless.
Did you folks know about Her bisexual needs?
Yes. She had brought home women before and I had done exactly as she had requested, sometime participating other times leaving and helping her find additional playmates. Her favorite position however was to have 2 men chained together performing DVP.
Maybe you where not in a position to compromise with Her needs.
I've thought about it for a while. I see here once a month and talk to her on the phone twice a week (she calls me as much as I call her), it's been over a year now. She's definitely moved on, I seem to be caught in an emotional limbo. I want to move on, but I constantly think about her and my son. I'll find myself drifting off in a day dream thinking about one of our many play times, only to come crashing back into the real world knowing that I lost her. I also find myself frustrated that my son is growing up without really knowing his father. My Dad worked abroad five days a week, so I was raised mostly by my Mom and I had promised not to do that to my son. This is even worse. I was struggling to find "real" work our last 3 months together. I had 2 min. wage jobs which was considerably stressful, but I had applied all over the place with my résumé for a decent job in my education's field of study. Ironically right after she left, I scored the job she had been asking me to get from the beginning. I now spend five days a week at home alone, clicking away at my computer editing other people's footage and adding CGI. Huge 2 hour render times, hurry up and wait. It would be perfect to help raise my son and give her the attention she deserved, but it's all pointless now. She's gone and I'm alone.
Take care sub and always look on the other side of the equation. There is a balance on all matters on which some of us are not willing or have not the ability to measure up. i don't want to be critical boy but it always feels better to see the real reasons of failure even if you decide to continue with the way you chose and let your heart come to terms with what has happened.
Thanks for your thoughts and suggestions. I have been trying to come to terms with what happened for a while now. I've just recently reentered the dating world after 9 months of shutting it all out. The thing that has me the most spun out was right after all this happened she would send me e-mails with a list of things I had to do if I wanted her back. REALLY HARD STUFF. I went about doing them, meeting financial goals, physical goals (including losing 25 pounds in a month (I starved myself for her)) and produced signs of devotion. When I had completed them she told me she sent me that list with the idea of it being unobtainable. Although she was impressed that I had done what she asked, it still hasn't going to happen. Then she came down, out of the blue, a month later, "used me" for her satisfaction and left that evening. It all equals some kind of a bizarre mind fuck that I can't come to grips with. I'm sorry I hope this clears things up; I just want to feel whole again. I feel like there are pieces missing from me.
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