Can you safeword? (Full Version)

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littleone35 -> Can you safeword? (3/28/2008 12:59:10 PM)

I am reading a book called Magic Like Heat Across my Skin it is not really a BDSM book but they talk about it in the book.  The woman says this guy she knows is a true submissive bottom.  he will not safeword even if the play is going beyond his pain tolerence.  Just the way he is wired.  She says a good dominant trust their bottom/sub to safeword if it goes to far.  A dominant should also read body language but that can be hard since if differes from person to person.

Have you ever been in a position where you wanted to safeword but for some reason could not?

Matt's littleone



softness -> RE: Can you safeword? (3/28/2008 1:10:18 PM)

I have been in a position where I was safewording ... loudly ... repeatedly ... and forcefully and it was ignored. This fairly burst the bubble on me trusting the angelic safety of  safewords. So now I trust people instead. 

I dont play using a safe word at the moment, and I understand I will not play with one in the future. When I am playing with someone now on a casual basis I tell them very openly that A B or C means this is as hot as hell for me .. D E F ..means its good but not for much longer ... and X Y Z mean stop right the fuck now. With people I have to explain that to, I only play very lightly. I am not in Power Exchange with those casual partners, just enjoying some mutual kinks.

When I am in a Power Exchange, I wont have a safeword to use (I will,I understand have one for warning Sir my medical condition has become a factor but its not an "ouchie that hurts go easy Sir".. its a "get me the fuck out of this bondage but only *after* you have called the ambulance unless you want to explain a dead slut to the management of this joint") Its a big thing about trust and responsibilityreally.I have to trust that I will only be taken to places I can come back from.

All about trust in the end, all about trust.. that sub must have perfect trust in their top to never ever use a safeword they have ... cant wait to get there, it must be spectatularly freeing for the submissive.



Leatherist -> RE: Can you safeword? (3/28/2008 1:15:41 PM)

It helps a lot if the Top has a sense of pride and art in keeping you at an edge, without really going overboard. This sort generally has a feeling that it had better be just as ok after the fact as during.

Some might say that's a service top mentality-which is fine by me. I'd rather be viewed as that-rather than an arrogant horse's ass who thinks he's so great that he doesn't have to worry about the ramifications of his idiocies on down the line.

That's where a lot of the trust comes from.



AquaticSub -> RE: Can you safeword? (3/28/2008 2:08:56 PM)

No. I have been in situations where I wanted it to end but as the conditions for using our safeword weren't met, I didn't use it. I don't get anyone who thinks safewords have some sort of power or uses them as a replacement for trust. It's a just, like any word, that you assign a meaning to. You still have to trust them to respect that meaning. If they won't respect "No, seriously, you need to stop" they probably won't respect "lollipop" or "red" either. Nor I understand this idea that a sub who trusts their dom doesn't need a safeword. I don't need a safeword anymore than I need a first aid kit. Hopefully it will never be used, hopefully he will never screw up and not realize something is wrong.

But he's human and we like to use the word "no" to mean "yes". It suits our desires very well.



Mercnbeth -> RE: Can you safeword? (3/28/2008 2:10:02 PM)

quote:

Have you ever been in a position where you wanted to safeword but for some reason could not?


once.
three weeks age at precisely 7:30 a.m.
as they wheeled the gurney into the operating room.
 
this slave could not, because Master and the MD's had decided this was the right choice.
placing this slave's life in their capable hands was the ONLY thing she could do, to keep herself from bolting out the door wearing only a hospital gown.
safewording would have meant going against the respected opinions of folks who are intelligent, objective, experienced, pragmatic and have this slave's long term best interests at heart.
it would also have meant introducing a level of control over this slave's self that is absent from Our dynamic, as well as an abhorrent idea when this slave is of a rational mind.
 
under the panicked circumstances of being wheeled into the OR, this slave wanted to safeword in the worst way...but trusted in Master, and His choice of professionals to handle the situation instead...remembering to breathe, deeply.[:)]
 
this slave's apologies if you only wanted responses with regards to a BDSM scene, or play.



softness -> RE: Can you safeword? (3/28/2008 2:14:03 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Mercnbeth

 OR, this slave wanted to safeword in the worst way...but trusted in Master, and His choice of professionals to handle the situation instead...remembering to breathe, deeply.[:)]
 


One day in the future,I will have to do exactly that .. trust health professionals not chosen for myself, but chosen for me by my Owner .. and trust that my Owner makes the right choices for His property

hopes I manage it just as you did beth .. an inspiration as always



whipkicksmai -> RE: Can you safeword? (3/28/2008 2:14:54 PM)

I have never had to safeword in my current relationship, I don't have a safeword either, my Master can read me like a book and knows when things have gone to far and he stops.



Poetryinpain -> RE: Can you safeword? (3/28/2008 2:18:20 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Leatherist

It helps a lot if the Top has a sense of pride and art in keeping you at an edge, without really going overboard. This sort generally has a feeling that it had better be just as ok after the fact as during.

Some might say that's a service top mentality-which is fine by me. I'd rather be viewed as that-rather than an arrogant horse's ass who thinks he's so great that he doesn't have to worry about the ramifications of his idiocies on down the line.

That's where a lot of the trust comes from.


I agree with this from the bottom's POV. To be taken to that point where I think, "Much more of this and I'm gonna safeword," and then it's done. Not the whole scene - just that portion of it. Then another portion takes me to that point, and another and another. Portion after portion of not-quite-to-safeword point, and when the scene ends I'm wrung out but absolutely fulfilled.

That, to me, is what it's all about.



DesFIP -> RE: Can you safeword? (3/28/2008 2:34:39 PM)

If I space, I go nonverbal. He knows better then to put the entire responsibility of my safety on me. Plus upon occasions I'm so lost in the sensations that I simply don't know I'm in trouble. I've tried to talk him out of untying me only to discover once he does that my hand had gone numb. The pins and needles sensations made me realize what had happened, but the coldness of my skin showed  him what I needed long before I would have realized I was in trouble.



chatondamore -> RE: Can you safeword? (3/28/2008 3:57:58 PM)

I too have lost that feeling of safety in safewords, due to a complete disregard for "REDREDREDRED!!!" and am not sure how to recover that.

But otherwise I'm with you Des. Once I'm in that frame of mind, I rarely think beyond the moment. I have to be reminded that there are safewords in place for me. "Are you ok? You have safewords, use them if you need to." Sometimes i just get frustrated and think to myself "Would you just shut up and let me enjoy this?"
Once I've gone to the point of complete unresponsiveness and had to be taken out of the scene by the dominant. "But i was ENJOYING that!"




LPslittleclip -> RE: Can you safe word? (3/28/2008 3:57:59 PM)

i do have a safe word but i have played wit my M'Lady enough that she knows me very well and takes me beyond where i have been before. as my trust in my M'Lady has grown so has my limits now i don't really need it but like the collar around my neck its a comfort knowing its there even if it doesn't get used.



MasochistToy -> RE: Can you safe word? (3/28/2008 4:09:28 PM)

I do not have a safe word. I trust in my Owner to know when I am beyond where I can go.
And to answer your question in another way, I don't believe I could safe word. Mentally I desire so strongly to be pleasing that I feel like a failure when I even show that I am not happy with something that Daddy has chosen to do. This is not him transferring his feelings of disappointment to me, but my disappointment in myself. In fact, after we finish playing he is normally so proud and happy that anything I felt I was less than perfect at he either hasn't noticed, or has thought was insignificant. I feel I am harder on myself in regards to taking what he gives than he could ever be on me. Because of this I have to trust Daddy to understand when I am at the breaking point.



girlygurl -> RE: Can you safe word? (3/28/2008 5:16:51 PM)

Sir and I don't have a safeword in place. We've discussed it briefly but neither one of us felt it was necessary. He knows me and my body so well that I believe He would know when to stop. I also know if I really wanted Him to stop all I'd have to say is stop... and if I'm unable to speak, I could always make a quick gesture that would signal Him of my desire for Him to stop.

girly



DiurnalVampire -> RE: Can you safe word? (3/28/2008 5:19:42 PM)

Fox and I have a safeword...STOP
I dont play around when it comes to that sort of thing.  If he says stop, it stops. I dont trust him to remember a specified word in subspace.
Angel doesnt have a safe word since he doesnt need it. We dont play hard, so it would be pointless.

DV



DesFIP -> RE: Can you safeword? (3/28/2008 7:30:22 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: chatondamore
Sometimes i just get frustrated and think to myself "Would you just shut up and let me enjoy this?"
Once I've gone to the point of complete unresponsiveness and had to be taken out of the scene by the dominant. "But i was ENJOYING that!"


It's a pity I can't talk at those times. I'd love to see his response if I said that!



LuckyAlbatross -> RE: Can you safeword? (3/28/2008 7:44:20 PM)

I have been in situations where I knew I should safeword because something was wrong, but I didn't because I didn't care at the time.  Not like a death wish or anything, just in that headspace I'd cut off my arm if someone asked without questioning it.

Safewords are not for newbies :)

http://www.collarchat.com/m_97589/mpage_1/key_safeword%252Cpunishment/tm.htm#97662
safewording during a punishment

http://www.collarchat.com/m_600704/mpage_1/key_safeword/tm.htm#600756
forgetting the safeword

http://www.collarchat.com/m_563513/mpage_2/key_safeword/tm.htm#563814
Safeword usage over time

http://www.collarchat.com/m_355604/mpage_1/key_safeword/tm.htm#355604
Safewords are NOT for novices!

http://www.collarchat.com/m_232414/mpage_1/key_safeword/tm.htm#232414
safewords?

http://www.collarchat.com/m_228130/mpage_1/key_safeword/tm.htm#228130
safeword

http://www.collarchat.com/m_137937/mpage_1/key_safeword/tm.htm#137937
Forcing your sub to safeword?

http://www.collarchat.com/m_131432/mpage_1/key_safeword/tm.htm#131432
Safe words

http://www.collarchat.com/m_93603/mpage_1/key_safeword/tm.htm#93603
Overuse of a safeword?

http://www.collarchat.com/m_69981/mpage_1/key_safeword/tm.htm#69981
safewords not allowed?

http://www.collarchat.com/m_14335/mpage_1/key_safeword/tm.htm#14335
should a slave in training be allowed safewords?

http://www.collarchat.com/m_668940/mpage_1/key_safeword/tm.htm#669011
The use of safewords

http://www.collarchat.com/m_679370/mpage_1/key_safeword/tm.htm#679401
safe words:  To use or not to use



ownedgirlie -> RE: Can you safeword? (3/28/2008 10:21:00 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: LuckyAlbatross

I have been in situations where I knew I should safeword because something was wrong, but I didn't because I didn't care at the time.  Not like a death wish or anything, just in that headspace I'd cut off my arm if someone asked without questioning it.


You realize you just got yourself entry into the wacky wafer club with that statement.  [;)]



catize -> RE: Can you safeword? (3/28/2008 10:56:42 PM)

Both of my dominants expect me to say something ( I am trying to avoid the controversial concept of ‘safe word’) if I am in distress or pushed past my emotional/physical capabilities.  They both see it as a necessary mutual trust.  I need to trust they will stop if I am being harmed and they need to trust me to let them know if that is the case. 
At this point in both relationships, they know me well enough that I seldom have to say anything.
I did realize a few years ago that I was calling ‘stop’ not because of harm but because I was irrationally fearful.  I felt that I was sabotaging my own desire to expand my pain tolerance.  We developed a plan, mutually agreed upon.  When I called stop, he would say “you will take x number more strokes’ and it worked well for us.



Bound2One -> RE: Can you safeword? (3/28/2008 11:10:57 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: littleone35

Have you ever been in a position where you wanted to safeword but for some reason could not?


Interesting timing for this question for me.  I had something happen tonight with Master.  Something he did triggered a deep emotional response within me (please know, he did absolutely nothing wrong and didn't know what we were doing would adversely affect me).  I found myself in a purely reactive state and didn't safeword, which he has instructed me to do whenever I am being pushed too hard or am in trouble in any way.  The scene stopped as soon as he knew what was going on, and he was annoyed at first that I hadn't safeworded.  He doesn't wish to harm me in any way.  Once we got past that issue, we had a long talk about the deeper emotional response I'd experienced.  I explained that at the time, I didn't even have the emotional capacity to realize I needed to safeword. 

Obviously there is something here we've got to talk further about, but the short answer is that yes, I have been in a place where I didn't even think of safewording, even though I should have.  That was a new and somewhat scary place to be, and we'll be talking more about it.  Fortunately, Master knows me well enough now to help me through this experience with some tears, but with growth also.

When learning someone, when something like an emotional landmine pops up out of nowhere, the D can be taken by surprise because he didn't know it was there ... and the submissive may not have realized it either.  I'm not fully sure anything can be done to guarantee avoiding those landmines, but having trust, and in my case, love, in the one you are with goes a long way.



Willowmoon -> RE: Can you safeword? (3/28/2008 11:39:01 PM)

I have issues with using my safewords. When I am in a scene with Master my mind goes to what I call slave space when it is in that space I find it really hard to say a word. Master has to ask me direct questions and usualy he gets one word yes/no type answers because I just can't speak for some reason so using safe words can get difficult. I also feel like using a safe word is me topping from the bottom, I trust that Master knows me well enough and isn't going to leave me permantly damaged I feel like if i have a safeword then i am not 'really' a slave because a slave can't just end something when she no longer enjoys it. The only time I have managed to let Master know if something is wrong is when rope has been too tight and he has asked me if its too tight so I manage to get out a yes.

So far I have never safe worded there have been times that I have wanted too but didn't.



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