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Coming out - Telling those you love - 3/29/2008 1:32:37 AM

Willowmoon

Posts: 227
Joined: 9/25/2007
Status: offline

For various reasons I came out of the closet so to speak to my mother tonight. She now knows that I am a 24/7 slave and shes not happy. She now dislikes my Master because any guy that treats a woman like that clearly doesn't love them and doesn't understand the need/desire I have to live this life and how I can call it love. She is dissapointed with me, doesn't see how I can be strong and independant and nothing I say to her will change her mind and this from someone who worked for twenty years as a prostitute. She has said she will read what ever I get her on the topic but i have no idea what to get her apart from when someone you love in kinky which seems to deal more with the aspect of play/bedroom kink then someone who lives 24/7 lifestyle. Is there anything out there either books or internet that can help me explain this to my mother? Usualy she is open minded and I can say anything to her and she doesn't care, my mother has been my best friend for so long and now I think that she hates me. Please help.

Willow

Post #: 1

RE: Coming out - Telling those you love - 3/29/2008 1:41:39 AM

Justme696

Posts: 3236
Joined: 1/7/2008
From: Royal kingdom of the Netherlands
Status: offline

your mother is confused. ANd sure doesn't hate you when she was always your best friend.
Don't push her to much right now. You told her, give her tiem to adjust.
Just be yourself around her...and she will see that you are not unhappy.
That is the best proof.

_____________________________

~Been there, done that, got the t-shirt

(in reply to Willowmoon)

Post #: 2

RE: Coming out - Telling those you love - 3/29/2008 2:59:05 AM

petpete

Posts: 677
Joined: 7/6/2007
Status: offline

Pamela Stanley's answer of the famous 80's disco song will give you the answer : Standin' in the shadow too long
Waitin' for the sunrise too long
For I have been watching you
Now you gonna watch me too
I'm coming out of hiding
I'm coming out of hiding

It was a mystery
How you missed me for so long
But now it's history
You have so longed for so long
For I have been wanting you
Now you gonna want me too
I'm coming out of hiding
I'm coming out of hiding
I'm coming out of hiding

_____________________________

Chief: Max, you realize you'll be facing every kind of danger imaginable.
Max: And loving it!

(in reply to Justme696)

Post #: 3

RE: Coming out - Telling those you love - 3/29/2008 3:13:12 AM

MamaDomme1

Posts: 377
Joined: 1/12/2008
Status: offline

I'm not sure why you were compelled to tell your mother that you are a slave, but speaking as a mother myself, I would probably react the same if my daughter had told me she was a slave. Luckily, my daughter is a Domme!

Mothers frequently wish for their daughters to become strong, independent women. Women that don't have to rely on a man for anything. A slave gives the idea of the exact opposite of what we wish for our daughters.

All you can do is allow your mother to see the loving relationship you are in, how much your Master cares for you and does for you. Don't rub it in her face, but just gradually allow it to be seen.
Maybe she will come around once she sees that it truly is a happy and fulfilling situation for you.

(in reply to Willowmoon)

Post #: 4

RE: Coming out - Telling those you love - 3/29/2008 3:49:25 AM

Willowmoon

Posts: 227
Joined: 9/25/2007
Status: offline

The problem is she can't see the relationship I am in because she lives interstate and we see each other twice a year (and talk on the phone every night) As for what compelled me to tell my mother it wasn't something that I had planned. She was pushing and pushing me asking me why I did everything for Master (not that I do do everything but she couldn't understand why I get him a drink every time he wants one or ask his permission to spent money no answers I gave her would get her off my back. She pushed to the point where I snapped that I do things for him because he is my Master and from there well the can of worms was open.

(in reply to MamaDomme1)

Post #: 5

RE: Coming out - Telling those you love - 3/29/2008 4:00:44 AM

subnstudent

Posts: 105
Joined: 9/18/2006
Status: offline

Well, I can't say I'm in your same position, but would an 'agreement to disagree' be acceptable? One of the things I'm doing with my mom, is that whenever the conversation gets to something we both know and she has expressed not wanting to know about, I just say, "It's not something you really want to know about." She knows my interests and can make her own judgements, but if you're not coming out and saying it again, she can leave it be without feeling like you're shoving it in her face again, ya?

_____________________________

*dons obligatory +2 Sign of Opinions and Fire Resistance*

(in reply to Willowmoon)

Post #: 6

RE: Coming out - Telling those you love - 3/29/2008 4:09:00 AM

Willowmoon

Posts: 227
Joined: 9/25/2007
Status: offline

Mum wants to try and understand its why she has asked me to find her reading material on it but i am finding it hard to find things that are more on the 24/7 lifestyle then on the kinky play side of things. I am finding it hard to explain how it feels when Master gives an order and why I follow it. I find it hard to explain how he can love me and isn't just using me and how I can be strong and independant when I call myself a slave. I am finding it hard to explain why it is so satisfying to know that I am Masters and that he can do what he wants with me without her thinking that he is just along for a ride or that I am just trying to hide from the real world and have no responsiabilitys.

Willow

(in reply to subnstudent)

Post #: 7

RE: Coming out - Telling those you love - 3/29/2008 5:10:46 AM

BRNaughtyAngel

Posts: 1821
Status: offline

I found this one by accident and thought it was an interesting article, especially the last couple of paragraphs of his response:

http://www.ironshrink.com/articles.php?artID=060122_bdsm_slave_collar

(in reply to Willowmoon)

Post #: 8

RE: Coming out - Telling those you love - 3/29/2008 6:10:39 AM

AtlantaMistress

Posts: 276
Joined: 6/14/2007
Status: offline

I wish I had a link to a book that had all the answers, but the bottom line is that only you have to be happy with your choices. I had the "perfect life" from the outside in - big corporate job, big house, "good" marriage, 2 beautiful kids, and was the "perfect" mother, daughter, sister, wife, friend...when it all fell apart, I realized: I wasn't happy! I didn't want to rebuild that "perfect life" and now, I am happier beyond my wildest dreams. The first thing I had to discover though was the only person I could really make happy is ME. Even making your Master happy - if he is not happy with himself, there is nothing you can do to truley make anyone else happy. you are the only one that walks in your shoes. I ask my kids everyday, "what can you do to make Mommy not love you?" ANSWER: NOTHING. I am a Domme, I would not be happy if they chose the other side, but I would love and support them. Give your Mom time to come around, but remember, at the end of the day - it is only you that you must contend with.

_____________________________

Mistress Sandy

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I'd rather be hated for something I am than loved for something I am not.

(in reply to BRNaughtyAngel)

Post #: 9

RE: Coming out - Telling those you love - 3/29/2008 6:40:24 AM

xxblushesxx

Posts: 9318
Joined: 11/3/2005
From: Kentucky
Status: offline

I've found Mistress Steel's writing to be informative, down to earth, realistic and understandable. Perhaps this might help:
http://www.steel-door.com/Chamber.html

_____________________________

~Christina

A nice girl with a disturbing hobby

My femdom findom blog: http://www.MistressAvarice.com

(in reply to AtlantaMistress)

Post #: 10

RE: Coming out - Telling those you love - 3/29/2008 6:57:34 AM

MontrealPhoenix

Posts: 1526
Joined: 2/27/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Willowmoon

For various reasons I came out of the closet so to speak to my mother tonight. She now knows that I am a 24/7 slave and shes not happy. She now dislikes my Master because any guy that treats a woman like that clearly doesn't love them and doesn't understand the need/desire I have to live this life and how I can call it love. She is dissapointed with me, doesn't see how I can be strong and independant and nothing I say to her will change her mind and this from someone who worked for twenty years as a prostitute. She has said she will read what ever I get her on the topic but i have no idea what to get her apart from when someone you love in kinky which seems to deal more with the aspect of play/bedroom kink then someone who lives 24/7 lifestyle. Is there anything out there either books or internet that can help me explain this to my mother? Usualy she is open minded and I can say anything to her and she doesn't care, my mother has been my best friend for so long and now I think that she hates me. Please help.

Willow

Oh hugs, Willow, i'm sorry that telling your mother didn't work out the way you'd hoped. It's entirely possible that she needs time to process all this and will come round. Meantime, i suggest you send her to leathernroses.com. I found it greatly helpful when i was trying to learn about BDSM as a whole.

Best of luck to you,

Phoenix

_____________________________

"Only in a collar can a woman be truly free"
~Tribesmen of Gor ..pg 75

"He who ties a woman owns her"
~Guardsman Of Gor pg 267

(in reply to Willowmoon)

Post #: 11

RE: Coming out - Telling those you love - 3/29/2008 7:01:06 AM

SteelofUtah

Posts: 5307
Joined: 10/2/2007
From: St George Utah
Status: offline

Different Loving.

It has helped many people to view Alternative relationship differently

Google it.

Steel

_____________________________

Just Steel
Resident Therapeutic Metallurgist
The Steel Warm-Up © ™
For the Uber Posters
Thanks for the Grammatical support : ) ~ Term

(in reply to xxblushesxx)

Post #: 12

RE: Coming out - Telling those you love - 3/29/2008 7:58:38 AM

sweetnurseBBW

Posts: 2464
Joined: 1/26/2006
From: North Carolina
Status: offline

If she likes to read give her the book "When someone you love is Kinky". As for myself I never felt the need to share my personal life with my family. What I do behind closed doors is my business.

_____________________________

Sir Pain's pain slut

(in reply to Willowmoon)

Post #: 13

RE: Coming out - Telling those you love - 3/29/2008 8:01:00 AM

Venatrix

Posts: 2238
Joined: 11/28/2007
Status: offline

I was also going to suggest When Someone You Love Is Kinky. Here's the link:
http://www.amazon.com/When-Someone-You-Love-Kinky/dp/1890159239/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1206802744&sr=8-1

(in reply to sweetnurseBBW)

Post #: 14

RE: Coming out - Telling those you love - 3/29/2008 8:04:44 AM

thetammyjo

Posts: 6322
Joined: 9/8/2005
Status: offline

Give your mother a copy of this book.

"When Someone You Love is Kinky" by Dossie Easton & Catherine Liszt

It was written for people exactly like her.

My slave gave it to his sister and it helped them a lot.

_____________________________

Love, Peace, Hugs, Kisses, Whips & Chains,

TammyJo

Check out my website at http://www.thetammyjo.com Or www.tammyjoeckhart.com

And my LJ where I post fiction in progress if you "friend" me at http://thetammyjo.livejournal.com/

(in reply to Willowmoon)

Post #: 15

RE: Coming out - Telling those you love - 3/29/2008 8:14:12 AM

ophelialocke

Posts: 127
Joined: 9/2/2007
Status: offline

I know it is hard - and I have been there, more or less, with other people close to me and some not so close.

I have had "professional" aquaintences and I have had to educate them about BDSM - I recall being surprised that there were the same set of assumptions that "regular" vanilla people might have, including being appalled that the sub/girl in such a relationship would not have control of her sexuality.

Dossie Easton (When Someone You Love is Kinky) is awesome, but I agree with you, it covers more like "how do I explain I am into crossdressing? foot worship? spanking?" It does not really give tools for explaining D/s or M/s.

One thing I find works is to approach this issue not so much with trying to get people to understand why you like being put in a cage all weekend (as an example) but with explaining that you prefer the old-fashioned dynamic that the man of the house is in charge, and that you would not have allowed a man to take that position unless he cherished you and had your best interests at heart.

(in reply to sweetnurseBBW)

Post #: 16

RE: Coming out - Telling those you love - 3/29/2008 8:30:32 AM

Daddyslilpookie

Posts: 498
Joined: 3/3/2008
From: OC, California
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Justme696

your mother is confused. ANd sure doesn't hate you when she was always your best friend.
Don't push her to much right now. You told her, give her tiem to adjust.
Just be yourself around her...and she will see that you are not unhappy.
That is the best proof.

I agree, I think Justme696 said it best, in my opinion. That's all you can do is wait it out.

_____________________________

Princess Andie

"A Woman Loves Only Her Master"

(in reply to Justme696)

Post #: 17

RE: Coming out - Telling those you love - 3/29/2008 9:09:13 AM

LuckyAlbatross

Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline

I agree with Tammy Jo and will simply say to give her time and understanding. You chose to come out to her so the burden is somewhat on you to help her through this process and respect her feelings. Time and softness will help more than anything- if you lead a stable mature responsible happy life, she'll really have to work hard to find reasons to dislike who you are and what you do. And continue to repeat that to her- it's just what works for you, you're very happy, things are going fine in your life. She doesn't have to understand your choice, she just has to understand it IS your choice and that you're still going to be taken care of and happy.

And next time, be more prepared. You should be ready for questions and requests for more literature.

http://www.collarchat.com/m_673932/mpage_1/key_coming/tm.htm#673940
questions about coming out

http://www.collarchat.com/m_603184/mpage_1/key_coming/tm.htm#603237
Coming Out

http://www.collarchat.com/m_594649/mpage_1/key_coming/tm.htm#594704
Telling Family

http://www.collarchat.com/m_552712/mpage_1/key_coming/tm.htm#552726
real world acceptance

http://www.collarchat.com/m_500172/mpage_1/key_coming%252Cprocess/tm.htm#500695
So I came out...

http://www.collarchat.com/m_191844/mpage_1/key_coming%252Cprocess/tm.htm#192641
family

http://www.collarchat.com/m_87719/mpage_1/key_coming%252Cprocess/tm.htm#87743
Talking to vanilla people

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to Willowmoon)

Post #: 18

RE: Coming out - Telling those you love - 3/29/2008 9:12:54 AM

kiwisub12

Posts: 4742
Joined: 1/11/2006
Status: offline

Willow - give your mum time to process and think about what you told her. Her reaction is not unique to finding out that you are a slave. My mum had the same reaction when she found out my brother wanted to join the priesthood - yes the brother wanted to be a father (snigger). She had a hard time because as a religeous person she was expected to be thrilled to give her son to the church, even though she had to give up her dreams of grandchildren from him. Once she got past the future that she had seen for him she did better, and now is very proud of him.

It takes time to reset your personal expectations for your children. I have some and everytime we had problems that were life altering it took me weeks or months to come to grips with the reality of the situation. Keep talking to your mum, tell her that you would be happy to talk to her about your lifestyle when she is ready , and don't mention it again. If she is likely to meet your Master, you might also say that you expect her to be polite to him. She also doesn't have to love and respect him - thats for you to do. She just has to be polite.

she has come face to face to a situation that she knows nothing about, and probably has very little information on. She doesn't yet realise that to be a slave is to be a strong person, because a weak person is no challenge to master. ... or so my Sir says to me.

she loves you, she just has to change some of her views of your life situation. good luck

(in reply to Daddyslilpookie)

Post #: 19

RE: Coming out - Telling those you love - 3/29/2008 9:18:03 AM

LuckyAlbatross

Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: kiwisub12
It takes time to reset your personal expectations for your children. I have some and everytime we had problems that were life altering it took me weeks or months to come to grips with the reality of the situation.

It's so hard for me to understand parents who choose to take on the responsibility of raising people to become independent, and then work so hard to make them into clones or robots or drones somehow living out the commands and expectations they programmed in.

My own mother is no exception in this- but I started training HER early on that she needed to accept me and be fulfilled knowing I was happy rather than living the life she wanted for me.

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to kiwisub12)

Post #: 20

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