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Veexen -> RE: Giving yourself (3/30/2008 2:21:11 PM)
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I've only ever had vanilla relationships - until very recently - and have always jumped in with both feet first, wanting desperately for it to work 'this time'. I've had many failed relationships and a disasterous marriage and have suffered because of them. However, not so much because of the jumping in too fast, or committing myself too fast. It was more to do with the fact that I didn't understand what it was that I needed, so I kept choosing the wrong type of man for me. I chose men who were not naturally dominant and then tried, without understanding fully what I was doing and certainly without being able to communicate with them about it in any meaningful way, to be submissive. This led to the relationship either failing because I was considered to be too high maintanance and too needy or it failed because instead of dominating me they bullied or abused.
All my past relationships (vanilla) started with no discussion about what either party wanted or needed or hoped for out of the relationship. We simply met, decided we liked/fancied each other and started a relationship hoping that it might go somewhere.
But I now understand I have specific needs and desires, and I am learning how to communicate them. So maybe, I'm hoping, in this sort of relationship, a D/s relationship, that this time things might be different. The fact that I met my Dom through what was basically an advert and that our very first conversation was about our needs and wants and desires can, in my opinion, only be a good and healthy thing. We discussed it all again at our first meeting, along with what we each hoped for from a relationship. So much more open and honest than any vanilla first date I've ever had, that's for sure. I have again jumped into a relationship quickly. But this time maybe not so blindly.
I have become emotionally attached very quickly and at times find it difficult to cope with. However, the fact that my Dom understands the levels of emotions involved in this sort of relationship, has listened to what I've said about my past relationships, and cares about me, is helping me to trust him. It certainly gives me hope that this relationship might actually so somewhere.
Anything worth having is worth a risk. Being open and honest about what we feel and need is scary because it makes us vulnerable. I think it can also make us strong though, because knowing ourselves well enough to admit to what we need is a strength. I know from experience though that to reveal too much to the wrong person can backfire big time. I've had my weaknesses and vulnerability used against me as a weapon more than once.
It's made it harder to trust and harder to believe in my own self-worth. It's easier sometimes to believe the bad things someone says about you than the good things.
But no, in general I'd say that jumping in - trusting and believing and wanting a relationship to work is a good thing - maybe I speak with great naivety here - but I do believe there are more good people out there than bad - I believe that love exists and I believe that in a relationship that starts off as honest and open as the D/s one I'm in - then there is certainly hope.
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