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Are you or aren't you? - 3/29/2008 2:37:10 PM   
LadyHathor


Posts: 775
Joined: 1/2/2008
Status: offline 		in My world this applies to males, but I hope to hear from all submissives----of late there seems to be a preponderence of male submissives who get cold feet--now I am not talking about wankers, trollers, wannabes--I am talking about those submissives who have gone through online, gone to phone, gone to realtime, felt the very thing they seek, the thing they desire the very thing they want to make them whole--
 
then they run away--some to return another day and repeat the process, some to run away for good---
 
is it so hard to embrace what one is, what one wants, what one seeks?
 
 
 
 
 

_____________________________

Lady Hathor, I am the Mistress Hathor of Orleans, I am what I am, often to the dismay and discomfort of others.
Profile   Post #: 1
RE: Are you or aren't you? - 3/29/2008 2:40:54 PM   
Shawn1066


Posts: 987
Joined: 10/7/2007
Status: offline 		I found it very hard when I was younger, in high school.  I had a hard time accepting that I was altogether normal.  I thought I was a tad crazy for wanting what I wanted then...what I have now.

Is it hard to embrace who I am?  No, not at all.  That doesn't mean it hasn't been hard before.

DV's Fox

(in reply to LadyHathor)
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RE: Are you or aren't you? - 3/29/2008 5:01:55 PM   
hopelesslyInvo


Posts: 522
Joined: 2/10/2008
From: the future
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyHathor
is it so hard to embrace what one is, what one wants, what one seeks?


it's as hard of a question to answer as any, but i think there's "more" to it than that.  this sort of reasoning seems to be the typical assumption for this question though every time i see it.

i could be looking at it wrong but every time i see it, it seems sort of like it simplifies down to "they didn't want to be with me, so something must be wrong with them".

i don't see it as embracing who we are, or being in denial, or accepting what we are in life, or any other related misleading classification.  people have their reasons for their choices, you can choose to respect them without knowing what they are or to criticize them or yourself for it, but there's really not much point.  i can't tell you how many women i've adored and had a skit with and although everything seemed to be going fine they split and left me.  generally i'm thinking what is wrong with me rather than what is wrong with them, but even if i knew it's highly unlikely that it's something that can be "fixed".

some people surely just "give things a try" and end up deciding this isn't for them, and i mean the relationship, not bdsm, not who they are/want to be/want to be with.

as to why it seems to be happening often or more often i have no clue.  shyness and reluctance or even fear could just be a common trait shared with the sort of people you are looking for.  i've seen a few threads at this point of people wondering why submissives/slaves have called things off or cancelled meetings or even stood them up, but i don't see how it relates to nearly accusing them of not being submissive for it, or pointing blame on a generality.  if someone backed out on me i wouldn't reverse it into "well aren't you truly dominant?", and it doens't work at all in that context with a vanilla sort of things "well aren't you truly normal/vanilla/neutral?  if you are then why didn't you choose to stay with me?"  i think other things are at work to cause this trait besides "embracing who we are".


< Message edited by hopelesslyInvo -- 3/29/2008 5:06:19 PM >

(in reply to LadyHathor)
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RE: Are you or aren't you? - 3/29/2008 5:18:47 PM   
sambamanslilgirl


Posts: 10926
Joined: 2/5/2007
From: Chicago, IL
Status: offline 		question - why do you presume that it's solely the submissive running away? from my experience i've had seen the dominants running away and disappearing.

_____________________________

...2011 - year of the fabulous rock star life ...and i do it so well...


...announcing Mr. & Mrs. British Petrol ...yeah, marrying into oil is slick business...

(in reply to LadyHathor)
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RE: Are you or aren't you? - 3/29/2008 5:32:13 PM   
batshalom


Posts: 1990
Joined: 9/17/2007
Status: offline 		It was very difficult to embrace submission. Society frowns on it. It goes against everything most of us are taught for most of our lives. It's scary to trust that much, to open up so far, and (honestly) to do stuff you don't want to do but are obligated to do anyway. When someone's "D" to our "s" comes knockin', it can be extremely intimidating, especially if submission is a new (or new-ish) idea. There's a lot to learn, a lot to give up, and a lot to gain; and really, a lot of new people think it's all about kinky sex, so they get a performance anxiety of a sort.

(in reply to sambamanslilgirl)
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RE: Are you or aren't you? - 3/29/2008 5:34:01 PM   
eroticangel


Posts: 272
Joined: 2/13/2006
Status: offline 		Amen to that...i think the disapearing act has something to do with the weather....thaey are all doing it!

(in reply to sambamanslilgirl)
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RE: Are you or aren't you? - 3/29/2008 7:40:18 PM   
Poetryinpain


Posts: 341
Joined: 3/20/2008
Status: offline 		I don't know how "new" the subs are that you're talking about, Lady H, but I can speak for myself. This BDSM world is in itself awe-inspiring. The whole Power Exchange thing is a mighty concept to get my head around. Then there's the thoughts that go through my head - thoughts about what will happen. Will I lose my identity - that which truly makes me me? Am I getting into something more than I can really handle? What if I'm not good enough for him?

The cyber contact, even the phone calls, and even the first scene or two - I could keep my head high and bravely march forward. But then the reality of the situation sets in - OMG, this is what it's all about! And I don't know if I can go through with it. So, instead of talking to the Dom about it I scarper.

pip


_____________________________

There is none so blind as he who will not see.

(in reply to eroticangel)
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RE: Are you or aren't you? - 3/29/2008 7:42:24 PM   
angelbluewingsz


Posts: 324
Joined: 10/10/2004
Status: offline 		shut up and kiss me

(in reply to Poetryinpain)
Profile   Post #: 8
RE: Are you or aren't you? - 3/29/2008 9:13:53 PM   
petdave


Posts: 2479
Status: offline 		i am. 

i've tried to "run away" because i ended up facing the fact that i shouldn't be what i am, but to be what you're wanted to be and still run? Damned if i know. Maybe you only think you're giving them that which they seek?

(in reply to angelbluewingsz)
Profile   Post #: 9
RE: Are you or aren't you? - 3/30/2008 1:20:50 AM   
LuckyAlbatross


Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline 		Being true to yourself is the hardest thing in the world.  I also think it's the only thing worth being.

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Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

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RE: Are you or aren't you? - 3/30/2008 2:50:08 AM   
azropedntied


Posts: 1829
Joined: 7/25/2005
From: Phx AZ
Status: offline 		I too have seen and experianced this on both sides FemDommes as well as  subbie bottoms  in my switchy  ventures .it is frustrating to say the least .Also makes me question myself , though i am not the one oin any of the backing out , i still also wonder why too . though i try and always remain positive .

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)
Profile   Post #: 11
RE: Are you or aren't you? - 3/30/2008 3:01:21 AM   
MasterFireMaam


Posts: 5587
Joined: 3/1/2006
From: Charleston, WV
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyHathor
is it so hard to embrace what one is, what one wants, what one seeks?


For some, yes, yes it is. Fear of getting what you truly want is as powerful as the fear of never getting it.

Master Fire


_____________________________

The power of who we are can be intoxicating. The power of who we could be is humbling.
-----
Ms Relationship Books
-----
BDSM How-To Books

(in reply to LadyHathor)
Profile   Post #: 12
RE: Are you or aren't you? - 3/30/2008 3:33:50 AM   
Goddess2002


Posts: 226
Joined: 2/29/2008
Status: offline 		This is true....often people fear getting what they truly want because then the "Now what?" factor settles in. They don't have a grail to pursue anymore. Sometimes the thrill of the chase is sweeter than the capture.

(in reply to MasterFireMaam)
Profile   Post #: 13
RE: Are you or aren't you? - 3/30/2008 4:06:33 AM   
pyrobabe


Posts: 53
Joined: 10/5/2005
Status: offline 		Some are just afraid of the word commitment.

Some still want to know, and see what is all out there.

Some people are like me and are always hedging their bets, afraid if they commit to something they may ask themselves “what could I be missing if I was over there?”.

Master and I have been working on that for sometime now. Currently I've become very committed to doing what is best for "US" (Master and I). It took me awhile to finally figure out what I wanted and what I didn't and Master was patient with me. He basically kept throwing me different topics and different things to do and went "here do you like this? "I'd try it, try it again if I wasn’t sure I liked it. Master was always throwing me stuff that I needed to learn to make "US" a better team. He always had a Master plan even when I couldn’t see it.

So my advice is to try and help your male submissive figure out exactly what he wants. When they get exactly what they want and then run from it, it's a self destructive habit and you should try to help them stop being self destructive. They may not even be aware that they are doing it.

Master has had to point out a lot of things to me, that I used to do, over the last 3.5 years. Later when I had some “me time” I would sit and think about the situation, and most of the time I'd come to realize he was right. Or I would find a better way to express myself and he’d explain his thoughts/ my actions to me again and help me learn even more about myself which is what I needed. I hope this makes sense.

Mistress Carol

(in reply to MasterFireMaam)
Profile   Post #: 14
RE: Are you or aren't you? - 3/30/2008 4:28:06 AM   
colouredin


Posts: 4279
Joined: 2/2/2007
Status: offline 		Um sometimes depends what it is that you want and seek. If you want a house in the country 2.4 kids a nice husband/wife and a labrador then i would say thats fairly easy to accept becuase its what we are meant to want, i doubt many people actually do. The sort of pre-arranged model of how we should all be and how we should live our lives is what causes us the struggle in wanting what it is that we want.

I  know that I have 'left' sites lots of times because I struggled with the idea of it all, that maybe I dont want it, maybe its just weird, maybe its wrong Im not even religious but the idea of going to hell even crossed my mind. Of course its hard to go against the flow and supposed normality (unless you are a totally ironic subversive type who does that purely for affect) most people would struggle with it. I am sure its not purely in D/s either but any aspect of sub-culture that seems slightly odd (those train spotters must get it a lot)


_____________________________

Resident Lime(y) Tart
There would be no gossip without secrets
I don't want to be anything other than what I've been trying to be lately

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ELvfMJoKDAk

(in reply to LadyHathor)
Profile   Post #: 15
RE: Are you or aren't you? - 3/30/2008 4:36:31 AM   
TysGalilah


Posts: 589
Joined: 11/21/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: MasterFireMaam

quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyHathor
is it so hard to embrace what one is, what one wants, what one seeks?


For some, yes, yes it is. Fear of getting what you truly want is as powerful as the fear of never getting it.

Master Fire



Ohhhh  so true!

_____________________________

galilah

.."There are two ways of spreading light: to be the candle or the mirror that reflects it. " Edith Wharton

(in reply to MasterFireMaam)
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RE: Are you or aren't you? - 3/30/2008 8:09:16 AM   
VeryMercurial


Posts: 620
Joined: 6/5/2006
Status: offline 		I think many of them want to be submissive, when it suits them.
Many male submissive's do not seek a lasting or permanent relationship, that is why they disappear
and then come back.
All the men that really wanted me and were serious, did not engage in these behaviors.
Men are really not that complicated, if you can accept reality.

(in reply to LadyHathor)
Profile   Post #: 17
RE: Are you or aren't you? - 3/30/2008 8:12:00 AM   
VeryMercurial


Posts: 620
Joined: 6/5/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: VeryMercurial

I think many of them want to be submissive, when it suits them.
Many male submissive's do not seek a lasting or permanent relationship, that is why they disappear
and then come back.
All the men that really wanted me and were serious, did not engage in these behaviors.
Men will climb mountains, swim the seas, and fight to the end, for a woman that they want and love.
I would ask myself, if I am finding or selecting men, that are serious about having a relationship, with ME.
Men are really not that complicated, if you can accept reality.

(in reply to VeryMercurial)
Profile   Post #: 18
RE: Are you or aren't you? - 3/30/2008 8:16:01 AM   
VeryMercurial


Posts: 620
Joined: 6/5/2006
Status: offline 		On a serious note here, if anyone here is really asking themself this question.
There are hundreds of self-help books written on this subject.
The one that comes immediately to my mind is called "He Really Is Not That Into You".

(in reply to LadyHathor)
Profile   Post #: 19
RE: Are you or aren't you? - 3/30/2008 8:30:10 AM   
AquaticSub


Posts: 14867
Joined: 12/27/2005
Status: offline 		I've done some running away in my younger days, though not from d/s relationships. The reason was simple: It wasn't what I wanted. It seemed like what I wanted at first but when I realized it wasn't... I freaked.

I'd assume the same applies here. Either the mistress isn't what they want, or the situation isn't good for them or they simply aren't ready for a relationship when they thought they were. Some will keep trying, hoping to find the mistress or situation that fits and others will keep trying because they want to be ready, even if they aren't. I don't think this is as simple "not embracing themselves" though I'm sure that is why some people run and come back.

_____________________________

Without my dominance you cannot submit. Without your submission I cannot dominate. You are my equal in this, though our roles are different.-Val

It was ok for him to beat me but then he tried to cuddle me! - Me

Member:Clan of the Scarlet O'Hair

(in reply to LadyHathor)
Profile   Post #: 20
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