When D/s or M/s becomes abuse (Full Version)

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slavegirlmax -> When D/s or M/s becomes abuse (3/29/2008 3:55:50 PM)

The situation thus far, I am not max, I'm her ex Master J, I was contacted a few weeks ago by max who found herself in a terrible situation, she contacted me because she knew she could trust me, max and I parted company nearly two years ago now, we each moved on and she found herself a new master, all was well at first, she was happy to be owned again and serving her master.

A weekend away was suggested, she excepted the invite and went happily, that turned out to be the worst weekend of her life, abuse of the worst kind, savage beatings and humiliation at the hands of this so called master and friends.

Yes she free of this man now, but he has left other marks on her, on her mind, she's not sleeping, she's having nightmares, her confidence has been knocked out of her.
This so called master was nothing more than a user, he's stolen from her, her computers, money and all because he thinks thats ok, his attitude seems to have been as she was his slave then he had the right to do as he pleased not only with her but with anything that she owned.

There are some in this life style of ours that need to realize, that they have a responsibility to those who serve us, be they slave or sub,  whether we be Dom or Master or Mistress for that matter, whats happened to this girl, through no fault of her own, is abuse of the worst kind,  she is free of this man ( I use the term lightly) but is she? As the memories of what was done to her will last far longer than the few weeks that she was his slave, maybe she will never have another Master only time will tell.



HerLord -> RE: When D/s or M/s becomes abuse (3/29/2008 4:01:33 PM)

This sux. I hate to hear when good deeds go unpunished. It just so happens I'm in the mood to tote an asswhooping... How do I find this ... (trying to find an appropriately fiendish title) prick (didn't cut it). Glad to know there are others out there that still tend to thiers. Keep her safe.



DesFIP -> RE: When D/s or M/s becomes abuse (3/29/2008 4:05:46 PM)

Tell her to call the police. She needs real help not sympathy, and having him in jail now will be enormously helpful to her.

I'm curious as to why that wasn't your first suggestion.



slavegirlmax -> RE: When D/s or M/s becomes abuse (3/29/2008 4:10:51 PM)

That was my first thought DesFIP, but she has a life and a family, that know nothing of her life as a slave, she will do nothing to hurt them in any way, even as it turns out she has suffered. That and thats not my decision to make.



Prinsexx -> RE: When D/s or M/s becomes abuse (3/29/2008 5:52:29 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: slavegirlmax

This so called master was nothing more than a user, he's stolen from her, her computers, money and all because he thinks thats ok, his attitude seems to have been as she was his slave then he had the right to do as he pleased not only with her but with anything that she owned.



Yes I understand this and I think you are a good friend for having your concerns for her. If she's got a slave's heart then it is very difficult to distinguish between the good the bad and the ugly. I mean we just want to serve.
Times are changing (they always do). But so many are cottoning onto this master/slave thing like oh that's a good scam.
This is NOT a sour grapes statement but for god sake you d-types out there: have a HEART.
I don't know......sometimes I really think it's time for me to give up this lifestyle because the abusers are there, thick on the ground and using evry excuse possible to abuse.......
please send my love and regards to whomever this slave is....I don't know the 'master' concerned....but when I hear a story like this I really do know how broken she feels....oh yes and masters are supposed to do that as well? Give me a break!



mefisto69 -> RE: When D/s or M/s becomes abuse (3/29/2008 6:09:46 PM)

Not going to say this would be the best solution but - when I was much younger there was an antidote for people such as the self proclaimed master. When such events occurred, friends of the abused got together ,watched, waited - and when the moment was right, the perptrator was 'brown bagged' ie: grabbed and taken to an isolated area while head and eyes covered... then usually beaten to within an inch of their own life.



DisenchantedLife -> RE: When D/s or M/s becomes abuse (3/29/2008 6:22:12 PM)

She'll be okay and she'll get over it.  Its in the past, ya know?  She'll have some issues in the future, but if she's a smart girl she'll incorporate what she's learned into how to deal with future prospects.



TheBanshee -> RE: When D/s or M/s becomes abuse (3/29/2008 6:41:45 PM)

max has my best wishes for a speedy recovery and I hope she does well.   Maybe, when she is feeling stronger - she can help educate others on her experience and make this ordeal have a positive side.  All the would'ves/couldn'ves/should'ves can't change what was - but maybe if she tells people - if I had only done this or that - things would have been different - her bad experience might just sink in to someone else.
We all get fooled - sometimes what we see is what we want to see, so its really hard when you're all infatuated with someone to see some of the red flags.  My heart goes out to her.



catize -> RE: When D/s or M/s becomes abuse (3/29/2008 6:43:04 PM)

quote:

 sometimes I really think it's time for me to give up this lifestyle because the abusers are there, thick on the ground and using evry excuse possible to abuse 

 
Abusers are ‘thick on the ground’ in all walks of life, many don’t even bother to hide behind a master/slave relationship.

To the OP;  do you really think guys like him are going to read this
quote:

 There are some in this life style of ours that need to realize, that they have a responsibility to those who serve us, be they slave or sub,  

and decide to change their ways?
I do hope your friend seeks professional help and recovers from this trauma.
 



Luciferica -> RE: When D/s or M/s becomes abuse (3/29/2008 6:53:46 PM)

There really are abusive people in all types of life, my non S&M ex was the least fun person I can describe, he did things that left me as she described here, restless, unable to cope with my nightmares and constantly looking over my shoulder expecting him to be there, it's not just submissives that need to take care, it's all of us. I agree that as a Domme I have the responsibility of taking care of my submissive, I am very careful to do so, he is not just a sub, but a human being that I love. The man who did this should be ashamed, however, most people like this do not learn or have sympathy for those they have hurt. Max needs to take care of herself and worry about making herself seem safe, and perhaps her trust issues are for the best, we all know the old saying "Fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me"..so maybe she can avoid a situation like this ever occuring again.



Skully7000 -> RE: When D/s or M/s becomes abuse (3/29/2008 6:54:21 PM)

well she can make the argument that while she was under his control he had control over her items. once it ended control of said items return to her. and usually making the threat of police involvment should be enough..hopefully. as for the money... unless it was some gross sum I would say forget it....computers and such i would push for.

also not knowing the full situation I hope that in the future she retains more safeguards upon entering into slaverly. safewords, contractual limits, more time as submissive before accepting the collar into slaverly ect. or safewords or not...there comes a time where she just has to be prepared to say "Stop! This is no longer Consentual"

hope things work out for the best.



LuckyAlbatross -> RE: When D/s or M/s becomes abuse (3/30/2008 1:10:16 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Prinsexx
If she's got a slave's heart then it is very difficult to distinguish between the good the bad and the ugly. I mean we just want to serve.

Bullshit.  Being a slave or having a "slave heart" does not mean you suddenly lose all judgement and are suddenly less capable of using good judgement.

And if you "just want to serve"- well I got a lot of laundry and cleaning and regular cooking around here to do, there's a lot of great volunteer organizations out there, and other ways to serve the world that won't involve abuse at all.



ownedgirlie -> RE: When D/s or M/s becomes abuse (3/30/2008 1:22:46 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: slavegirlmax

Yes she free of this man now, but he has left other marks on her, on her mind, she's not sleeping, she's having nightmares, her confidence has been knocked out of her.
This so called master was nothing more than a user, he's stolen from her, her computers, money and all because he thinks thats ok, his attitude seems to have been as she was his slave then he had the right to do as he pleased not only with her but with anything that she owned.


There are many Masters and slaves who live in such arrangements where the Master does have the right to the slave's belongings and money.  It would do slaves and submissives well to know and understand what kind of situation they are entering, and what the philosophies and beliefs of their dominant or master is before giving oneself over.

Having said that, the marks will heal, if she is willing to work toward their healing.  My internal scars now serve as reminders of how far I've come and the strength and courage I have discovered within myself.  That they are old scars and not fresh wounds mean they are of my past and not my present world.  The sooner one can focus on healing rather than on the pain, the sooner one can move forward with life. 

I hope your friend is well.



StormsSlave -> RE: When D/s or M/s becomes abuse (3/30/2008 1:56:43 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: LuckyAlbatross

quote:

ORIGINAL: Prinsexx
If she's got a slave's heart then it is very difficult to distinguish between the good the bad and the ugly. I mean we just want to serve.

Bullshit.  Being a slave or having a "slave heart" does not mean you suddenly lose all judgement and are suddenly less capable of using good judgement.

And if you "just want to serve"- well I got a lot of laundry and cleaning and regular cooking around here to do, there's a lot of great volunteer organizations out there, and other ways to serve the world that won't involve abuse at all.


I'm with LA on this one.  This girl made the choice to allow this man to do this to her.  Does this erase his unscrupulous, abusive behavior?  Absolutely not.  Anymore than his behavior excuses hers. 

As for the police, the family doesn't have to know all of the details.  Just that she was forced and that things were stolen.  The police won't share victims details unnecessarily, but will hopefully see to it that this assmunch is behind bars.  I speak from experience when I say that getting her things back and putting this man behind bars will make her feel better, and possibly protect other overly trusting women from being hurt.

Good luck, and thanks for being such a great friend. 



Prinsexx -> RE: When D/s or M/s becomes abuse (3/30/2008 3:03:20 AM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: LuckyAlbatross

quote:

ORIGINAL: Prinsexx
If she's got a slave's heart then it is very difficult to distinguish between the good the bad and the ugly. I mean we just want to serve.

Bullshit.  Being a slave or having a "slave heart" does not mean you suddenly lose all judgement and are suddenly less capable of using good judgement.

And if you "just want to serve"- well I got a lot of laundry and cleaning and regular cooking around here to do, there's a lot of great volunteer organizations out there, and other ways to serve the world that won't involve abuse at all.

Please carry on the 'you are so fucked up' and bullshit LA.
I am finding it so consturctive.
I think it's so easy for even those who appear to be enlightened to cross-over into being abusive, especially when they have no insight into it themselves.



colouredin -> RE: When D/s or M/s becomes abuse (3/30/2008 4:17:47 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: ownedgirlie

quote:

ORIGINAL: slavegirlmax

Yes she free of this man now, but he has left other marks on her, on her mind, she's not sleeping, she's having nightmares, her confidence has been knocked out of her.
This so called master was nothing more than a user, he's stolen from her, her computers, money and all because he thinks thats ok, his attitude seems to have been as she was his slave then he had the right to do as he pleased not only with her but with anything that she owned.


There are many Masters and slaves who live in such arrangements where the Master does have the right to the slave's belongings and money.  It would do slaves and submissives well to know and understand what kind of situation they are entering, and what the philosophies and beliefs of their dominant or master is before giving oneself over.



I was going to say something along that line too, of course if this was something that she didnt agree to (which I would guess she didnt) then its a sucky horrible thing. Time heals most wounds, I think a lot of us if not all have scars from past relationships where things went totally wrong and its easy to want to give up and I know that I have in the past for a while, but then you eventually stand up dust yourself off and say im not going to let a twat like that effect me any more. Thats all you can do. Anything that doesnt kill us makes us stronger.



Deliena -> RE: When D/s or M/s becomes abuse (3/30/2008 4:44:06 AM)

Just wanted to add a message of support to the OP's previous sub, horrible to hear of such an abuse of trust and person.  The reference to brown-bagging reminded me of the method my biker friends use to "correct" similar miscarriages of justice.  Not sure taking things into own hands like that is a necessarily good idea though, would also suggest that going to the police doesn't necessarily mean that her family need to find out the details of what has happened unless she choses to share it with them (and officers should respect her right to her privacy if she makes it clear that is what she needs).

I hope with the support of her friends she can get through the emotional pain that has gone with her physical and financial abuse, as a survivor of a similar situation in my past (many, many years ago now) I can honestly say the only way to go is forward.  Best of luck.



mistoferin -> RE: When D/s or M/s becomes abuse (3/30/2008 5:00:18 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Prinsexx


quote:

ORIGINAL: LuckyAlbatross

quote:

ORIGINAL: Prinsexx
If she's got a slave's heart then it is very difficult to distinguish between the good the bad and the ugly. I mean we just want to serve.

Bullshit.  Being a slave or having a "slave heart" does not mean you suddenly lose all judgement and are suddenly less capable of using good judgement.

And if you "just want to serve"- well I got a lot of laundry and cleaning and regular cooking around here to do, there's a lot of great volunteer organizations out there, and other ways to serve the world that won't involve abuse at all.

Please carry on the 'you are so fucked up' and bullshit LA.
I am finding it so consturctive.
I think it's so easy for even those who appear to be enlightened to cross-over into being abusive, especially when they have no insight into it themselves.



Prinsexx, LA commented on the statement you made and she was dead on target. Being a submissive or slave does not make one more at risk of being abused, but it seems to be a well used excuse for not accepting one's own responsibility in a situation. Having found myself in a few bad situations myself I can say that looking backward, I can generally see where I played some part. Rushing headlong ahead without taking the time to REALLY know who you are rushing headlong ahead with can find you in a world of hurt. Not taking the time to make good decisions and using common sense will often result in finding yourself on the short end of the stick. Too often we ignore our own inner voice with unfounded rationalizations and justifications. Too often we involve ourselves in situations we should not be involved with and place ourselves in harms way. But none of it has anything to do with being submissive or slave.




ZenDragoness -> RE: When D/s or M/s becomes abuse (3/30/2008 6:56:37 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: mistoferin

Snip
Rushing headlong ahead without taking the time to REALLY know who you are rushing headlong ahead with can find you in a world of hurt.
Snip




Mistoferin,

i find your sentence great and not only fitting for the situation described in the first posting, but for a lot of possible situations in ones life. Thank you!

Ruth



MissSCD -> RE: When D/s or M/s becomes abuse (3/30/2008 7:23:21 AM)

Unfortunately, there are some evil people in this lifestyle that prey upon new subs just like in every day marriages.  
To answer the title question, when is it abuse follows with my answer.  Abuse is when someone disregards the word no and plays upon someones emotions.
As Dom/mes, we must be able to see when we are pushing to hard because some people do not know how to say the word no and walk away.
 
Regards, MissSCD



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