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Is it drop or am i kidding myself - 10/3/2005 9:56:27 AM   
helpless1


Posts: 10
Joined: 10/3/2005
Status: offline 		Well i don't even quite know where to start this post. i am. . . . .lost. i have gotten active in my local lifestyle this past year. While i have played before, it was just that play. One thing i have found out is that i have issues with drop. i am normally a level headed kinda lady, but lately i feel just all jumbled about.

What is really getting to me is my level of doubt. i doubt myself constantly anymore. My heart says i want to serve, but sometimes my mind is stuborn. I desire to surrender so badly. Yet in the next moment i wonder if i belong in the lifestyle at all. *sighs* This is driving me right up the wall to be honest. i have tried to tell myself that even if i turn out to be a weekend player that is okay, but that is not what the heart desires. So basically i go from one extreme to another mentally. Thinking "i should just leave the lifestyle entirely as i will never have the emotional depth to serve" then the next moment "i want to find one who makes me feel the need to surrender".

Okay i know that is all really unclear, but so is what is going on in my mind. Is all of this normal or am i losing it? *laughs* These feelings get really strong right after i have played intensely. i have friends who are helping me to find out what i can do and be physically, it's the mental that they can not help me with. i just don't feel truely strongly submissive to them. i obey them always even when it is hard, but it is a choice i make not a need i feel. i can't feel that their desires and needs are more important than mine. i guess i just want to know if other people feel this way. Does everyone doubt until they find One to serve. Or do other subs feel that way for most or all dominates?

Thank you to anyone who will share thier personal experience.

one bewildered child,

helpless
Profile   Post #: 1
RE: Is it drop or am i kidding myself - 10/3/2005 10:02:05 AM   
EmeraldSlave2


Posts: 3645
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline 		The term I use for that is "climbing the walls" and yes it's very common, specially for someone who's just getting out there.

It's very akin to frenzy, but usually not as clueless or harried, just confusing and frustrating.

Advice? Prepare for it, since you know it happens after scenes. Do you talk with the person you played with the next day to help settle you down? Do you give yourself time to re-adjust to normal life and decompress?

Organize your priorities, look at this as a long term endeavor. Understand that feelings are indicators of things but should not be decision makers. Allow yourself to enjoy but not make stupid rash decisions you will regret. Figure out what's important to you and follow that.

And finally, become secure in who you are, that takes time and exploration. But trust me, as soon as you become secure in being on your own, BAM someone comes along and ruins it for ya ;)

(in reply to helpless1)
Profile   Post #: 2
RE: Is it drop or am i kidding myself - 10/3/2005 10:57:44 AM   
Mercnbeth


Posts: 11766
Status: offline
quote:

i just don't feel truely strongly submissive to them. i obey them always even when it is hard, but it is a choice i make not a need i feel. i can't feel that their desires and needs are more important than mine. i guess i just want to know if other people feel this way. Does everyone doubt until they find One to serve.


No, everyone doesn't doubt themselves until they find One to serve. most folks this slave knows that doubt themselves haven't found THEMSELVES.

this slave began to doubt that she was cut out for the vanilla relationship world and spent 3 years single, not looking anywhere but inside of HERSELF for answers. that 3 years confirmed that seeking a vanilla relationship, for this slave, was just setting herself up for yet another failure. this slave has a NEED to serve and a willingness to obey. to put His desires and needs first is as natural as breathing to this slave. this slave is aware that there are those who feel that with enough "training" one can "learn" to submit and there are coping techniques that one can use to deal with the frustration, anger, resentment, etc. that one might feel when one is doing something against their grain. but why go through all the angst? ah yes, there are those that think something freely given has no value, that if one is submissive to all it is bad and cheapens "the gift". but there are also those spiritually minded folk, who believe service is a calling, and it doesn't necessarily include sexual or emotional gratification or a romantic "surrender" to a relationship.

(in reply to helpless1)
Profile   Post #: 3
RE: Is it drop or am i kidding myself - 10/3/2005 11:02:29 AM   
FTopinMichigan


Posts: 571
Joined: 7/5/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: helpless1

Well i don't even quite know where to start this post. i am. . . . .lost. i have gotten active in my local lifestyle this past year. While i have played before, it was just that play. One thing i have found out is that i have issues with drop. i am normally a level headed kinda lady, but lately i feel just all jumbled about.

<snip>

Does everyone doubt until they find One to serve. Or do other subs feel that way for most or all dominates?


helpless, I realize you posted this is the "Ask a Submissive" forum, but I wanted you to know that these feelings aren't exclusive to subs.

As a Top, I went full force when I discovered BDSM groups and community gatherings. I joined clubs, and began to 'scene' causally so often that I actually had to keep a calendar.

Every single time I played a full weekend, out of town, I was 'down' for a long time after. This "helpless" feeling and dissatisfaction continued, and in fact even got worse with time.

After some soul searching and eye opening realizations, I found, that for myself, I was getting these bad feelings due to having no real connection to my play partners. At least, not the type of connection that I really wanted.

Fun was fun, but I was missing the emotional connection that I needed to truly enjoy and savor the pleasure.

I began to feel used and abused, even though I wasn't the one bottoming. I found most of my play partners were just that...only for play.

My emotional state, after scenes now is quite different, in realizing my own needs, and still being able to enjoy casual play. Understanding myself, helps me, even if I still indulge in some casual club play.

I only play with 'friends,' to have the emotional connection I need. When I do meet a man that touches my heart, then it will only be better.

When I get those bad feelings "after" a scene, or a play weekend, I understand them now, and they go away quicker.

I only tell you my story, so that you might consider if the same, is part of what is happening to you too.

K

(in reply to helpless1)
Profile   Post #: 4
RE: Is it drop or am i kidding myself - 10/3/2005 11:10:39 AM   
plantlady64


Posts: 755
Joined: 5/19/2005
Status: offline 		Hello There,
A few weeks ago in here there was a section about sub drop. You may want to read that forum too.
Sub drop is a depressing or down feeling a lot of subs go through the day after or even sometimes 2 or 3 days after playing. It has to do with the endorphins you use during play finally winding down.
If you eat or drink something with sugar in it after you play it helps. I also notice I need way more sleep if I've played really hard.

I think you should take your time, allow yourself a few days of aftercare, and relax. If the life isn't for you you'll know soon enough.
To me though, it sounds like you like the lifestyle and it's mostly just dark thoughts when the sub blues strike. If that's the case just hang in there and remember it's normal and it will pass.

I know in my heart it's who I am and my great source of joy and freedom to be my Masters slave. Sometimes when I've played hard and I hurt the next day I wonder if I'm making a good choice for myself too. I think all of us re-examine our motives from time to time.

Good Luck and I hope your path makes itself known to you soon,
sub suzanne

(in reply to helpless1)
Profile   Post #: 5
RE: Is it drop or am i kidding myself - 10/3/2005 11:17:06 AM   
Quivver


Posts: 1953
Joined: 11/27/2004
Status: offline 		First thing that crossed my mind was if there are things in your Nilla existance that arent fitting into the puzzle you want......... just a thought.

Q

_____________________________

The problem with communication ... is the illusion that it has been accomplished. ~George Bernard Shaw

(in reply to plantlady64)
Profile   Post #: 6
RE: Is it drop or am i kidding myself - 10/3/2005 11:22:10 AM   
helpless1


Posts: 10
Joined: 10/3/2005
Status: offline 		i want to thank you all for replying. All answers will be considered, even if i do not care for the content of the post.

Emerald - Thank you for asserting that this is normal to go through. I hate feeling this unstable. i do know that it is comming, i just do not yet have a good way of dealing with it other than talking to someone. i am afraid that i will "wear out" my friends. Being new to the scene i also worry that everyone will come to the conclusion that i am somehow unbalance. Heck i half think i am becomming unbalanced. *laughs*

beth - i thank you for your oppinion. i guess i do not follow your path. i will never offer my service to any who asks for it. i just do not find that every "Top" instills in me the desire to serve. i am happy that you have that abbility and are content with it. There is after all, no one true way.

FTopinMichigan - Thank you Ma'am for Your kind words. It is good to hear from another who has felt these things, even if it is from the "other perspective". i have been playing primarily with just my friends. i do see Your point on playing with those you feel an attachment to. *sighs* It's just that i have to admit that i do like playing. *giggles* i guess i have to decide if it is worth it.

Thank you,

helpless

< Message edited by helpless1 -- 10/3/2005 11:25:28 AM >

(in reply to FTopinMichigan)
Profile   Post #: 7
RE: Is it drop or am i kidding myself - 10/3/2005 11:26:46 AM   
helpless1


Posts: 10
Joined: 10/3/2005
Status: offline 		plant lady - Thank you for the practical suggestion. If sugar works for me it would be a huge relief. I'll have to keep some mints in my bag from now on.

(in reply to helpless1)
Profile   Post #: 8
RE: Is it drop or am i kidding myself - 10/3/2005 1:35:02 PM   
plantlady64


Posts: 755
Joined: 5/19/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: helpless1

plant lady - Thank you for the practical suggestion. If sugar works for me it would be a huge relief. I'll have to keep some mints in my bag from now on.

Hi There,
You are most welcome. Just be sure they are not sugar free mints :-).
Good Luck,
sub suzanne

(in reply to helpless1)
Profile   Post #: 9
RE: Is it drop or am i kidding myself - 10/3/2005 8:12:27 PM   
angelic


Posts: 1807
Joined: 1/24/2005
Status: offline 		oh my word! i had no idea there was a term for what i felt either within a couple of hours to a day or 2 after my x left, i mean i loved the 'day after pain'... but there was ALWAYS ALWAYS a sudden feeling of emptiness!... suddenly i am feeling not quite so much a 'misfit'.

(in reply to plantlady64)
Profile   Post #: 10
RE: Is it drop or am i kidding myself - 10/3/2005 8:37:00 PM   
JohnWarren


Posts: 3807
Joined: 3/18/2005
From: Delray Beach, FL
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: angelic

oh my word! i had no idea there was a term for what i felt either within a couple of hours to a day or 2 after my x left, i mean i loved the 'day after pain'... but there was ALWAYS ALWAYS a sudden feeling of emptiness!... suddenly i am feeling not quite so much a 'misfit'.


It's a great release for a lot of people to discover this since "down" can often lead to "depression" as we look for reasons why we feel this way... and humans being humans we generally find SOMETHING

_____________________________

www.lovingdominant.org

(in reply to angelic)
Profile   Post #: 11
RE: Is it drop or am i kidding myself - 10/3/2005 8:49:41 PM   
Lordandmaster


Posts: 10943
Joined: 6/22/2004
Status: offline 		You're definitely not a misfit. There have been a few threads on here about sub drop.

quote:

ORIGINAL: angelic

oh my word! i had no idea there was a term for what i felt either within a couple of hours to a day or 2 after my x left, i mean i loved the 'day after pain'... but there was ALWAYS ALWAYS a sudden feeling of emptiness!... suddenly i am feeling not quite so much a 'misfit'.


(in reply to angelic)
Profile   Post #: 12
RE: Is it drop or am i kidding myself - 10/3/2005 8:51:42 PM   
Aquariansub


Posts: 56
Joined: 8/16/2005
Status: offline 		Helpless....you are not alone with what you are feeling and have already been given some great advice. Plantlady suggested the sugar to me a while ago and yes it is a great help...the realisation of what this drop is helps you to deal with it as well. One thing I have noticed recently is the importance of "after care" I have noticed that if there is plenty of care afterwards with your play partner it does make a big difference in the affects of the drop.

(in reply to helpless1)
Profile   Post #: 13
RE: Is it drop or am i kidding myself - 10/3/2005 8:54:12 PM   
angelic


Posts: 1807
Joined: 1/24/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Lordandmaster

You're definitely not a misfit. There have been a few threads on here about sub drop.

i am relatively new to the message board, Sir.

(in reply to Lordandmaster)
Profile   Post #: 14
RE: Is it drop or am i kidding myself - 10/3/2005 9:06:50 PM   
harmony3709


Posts: 292
Joined: 11/15/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: FTopinMichigan
After some soul searching and eye opening realizations, I found, that for myself, I was getting these bad feelings due to having no real connection to my play partners. At least, not the type of connection that I really wanted.

Fun was fun, but I was missing the emotional connection that I needed to truly enjoy and savor the pleasure.

I began to feel used and abused, even though I wasn't the one bottoming. I found most of my play partners were just that...only for play.

My emotional state, after scenes now is quite different, in realizing my own needs, and still being able to enjoy casual play. Understanding myself, helps me, even if I still indulge in some casual club play.

I only play with 'friends,' to have the emotional connection I need. When I do meet a man that touches my heart, then it will only be better.

When I get those bad feelings "after" a scene, or a play weekend, I understand them now, and they go away quicker.


quote:

BY: helpless1
i have been playing primarily with just my friends. i do see Your point on playing with those you feel an attachment to. *sighs* It's just that i have to admit that i do like playing. *giggles* i guess i have to decide if it is worth it.


When I was single, I went through the kinds of ups and downs you seem to be describing, and definitely experienced more after playing, although I only played occasionally. I finally realized after one particularly bad drop that lasted a while and really took its toll on me emotionally, that although I, too, really REALLY liked playing, that it was not worth it and I did have to find someone to have that emotional connection with that is often missing in casual play, even if playing with friends.

Your feelings are definitely not unusual though and if you do have someone you like to play with on a regular basis, maybe you could arrange to get together the day after, or two days after. Maybe a little "extended after care" might help.

Also, I find that exercise helps to bring the endorphins down more slowly and drop is less likely. Well, works for me anyway. As always, your mileage may vary.

Blessed be,
harmony

(in reply to FTopinMichigan)
Profile   Post #: 15
RE: Is it drop or am i kidding myself - 10/3/2005 9:07:03 PM   
Lordandmaster


Posts: 10943
Joined: 6/22/2004
Status: offline 		Here they are--in chronological order, no less:

http://www.collarchat.com/m_930/mpage_1/tm.htm#930
http://www.collarchat.com/m_1607/mpage_1/tm.htm#1607
http://www.collarchat.com/m_1965/mpage_1/tm.htm#1965
http://www.collarchat.com/m_8643/mpage_1/tm.htm#8643
http://www.collarchat.com/m_22860/mpage_1/tm.htm#22860
http://www.collarchat.com/m_25143/mpage_1/tm.htm#25143
http://www.collarchat.com/m_66173/mpage_1/tm.htm#66173
http://www.collarchat.com/m_86784/mpage_1/tm.htm#86784
http://www.collarchat.com/m_99967/mpage_1/tm.htm#99967
http://www.collarchat.com/m_120275/mpage_1/tm.htm#120275
http://www.collarchat.com/m_148659/mpage_1/tm.htm#148659

Hope this helps.

Lam

(in reply to angelic)
Profile   Post #: 16
RE: Is it drop or am i kidding myself - 10/3/2005 9:10:09 PM   
angelic


Posts: 1807
Joined: 1/24/2005
Status: offline 		thank You very much, Sir.

(in reply to Lordandmaster)
Profile   Post #: 17
RE: Is it drop or am i kidding myself - 10/4/2005 5:19:47 AM   
helpless1


Posts: 10
Joined: 10/3/2005
Status: offline 		Now that i am out of drop this whole post seems ridiculous. *laughs* i swear it's a miracle anyone puts up with me when i am dropping. i irritate myself! *laughs*
After reading a lot of the old posts, i think i may have a chance on managing a bit better now. Definately going to try the fruit juice for one thing. Additionally, if they can not have time for me after play then i can no longer play with the friends i have been. i usually do not hear from them at all for 3 days to a week later. *shrugs* The next day i am always on the road heading home and i usually drop 2 -3 days after play so it just never gets adressed. Also found out recently that the form of birthcontrol i started recently has been known to cause emotional swings as well. It is possible i may need to change that to regain balance.

Thank you guys for all the advice. At least now i have additional coping mechanisims. Heck, who know one of them may even work for me.

helpless

(in reply to helpless1)
Profile   Post #: 18
RE: Is it drop or am i kidding myself - 10/4/2005 4:25:55 PM   
kyraofMists


Posts: 3292
Joined: 7/29/2005
Status: offline 		Most everyone has talked about issues of sub-drop and how to care for yourself when that happens. For me, any issues that come out during or after an intense play are not caused by the play. The play just brings up things that are already there, it doesn't cause the issues for me. So I have answered based on this opinion.

I have already found my one and I am His slave, but it is a daily choice to submit to Him. Most days the choice is easy to make and more often than not, it is done without much thought. There are other days where I struggle with making that choice. The choice to do His will and not my own; the choice to do what I do not want to; the choice to maintain the appropriate behaviors and protocols of a slave in His House. There are times that I want to throw up my hands and say I need a day off, but there are no days off in a relationship. I can ask for permission for private time or permission to be excused from daily tasks. The private time has always been granted. I ask for it rarely and it is obvious to my Lord that it is something that I need. If I am to be excused from a daily task, I have to have a really good reason why I can't get it done. This permission is granted less often.

Since starting this relationship with my Lord, I have struggled with my image of self. You have these ideas, perspectives and opinions of yourself of how you will behave in any given situation. Then that perspective changes once you are in it. It is a matter of walking the talk. For me, I thought that if I found the right person, the one I could trust so deeply (I do not believe in absolute trust), then I could give everything. Now I am living that thought and it is more challenging, difficult, rewarding and fulfilling than I ever imagined. I have my doubts; is this the right relationship for me; am I able to be His slave. I also have my certainties; He is the best man that I have ever met; He and I are well matched as far as goals, aspirations, opinions, beliefs. We enhance each other, build on each others strengths and help improve each others weaknesses.

If you are having difficulties after playing intensely, I would recommend not making any big decisions for that time. There has only been one time that I have really struggled with myself after play, but it was a play that I had trouble with while it was happening. I had to constantly remind myself not to make any life changing decisions or to say things without serious thought to the consequences. I tried to be patient with myself and it passed. I learned then that I need to do something soothing and comforting for me in the days that follow intense play. I am learning to watch the negative thoughts that can happen and to shut them off before they get out of control.

What works for one may not work for another. You have to find your own ways of dealing with all the issues. But you are not alone and it isn't happening just because you are single. If you struggle with it now, you will struggle with it in a relationship. But it is the struggle that can be the catalyst in making you a better you.

Good luck on your journey.

Knight's kyra

(in reply to helpless1)
Profile   Post #: 19
RE: Is it drop or am i kidding myself - 10/5/2005 7:31:47 AM   
Mercnbeth


Posts: 11766
Status: offline
quote:

i just do not find that every "Top" instills in me the desire to serve. i am happy that you have that abbility and are content with it.


whoooooa, hold on.....it is not that every "Top" instills in this slave the desire to serve. it is that the desire, no, the NEED to serve is already there, and before this slave became owned by Master she would choose who to serve, and not always in a sexual connotation. before serving Master this slave has volunteered her time and talents to serve individuals and groups within this slave's community, now Master decides who this slave will serve and when. service can be many things to many people, and can come from the heart and mind, not just the loins.

(in reply to helpless1)
Profile   Post #: 20
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