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Question: - 3/30/2008 10:06:26 AM

brazenface

Posts: 1
Joined: 3/29/2008
Status: offline

I am new to this. Very new. I have felt the pull to be submissive to a man all of my life, and it has taked me this long to embrace it and stop fighting it. I have met a wonderful dom, and we have a happy relationship and I am enjoying leaning from him. My question is this, we are very compatable in our morals and what we want in life and get along amazing as a man and a woman as well as a Dom and his Sub. The issue is that he is starting to feel guilty because he is afaid he will hurt me, and he feels that I deserve more then a d/s relationship. He can't turn off the d/s in our normal life and that scares him. I feel that this is a man that I could serve and love forever as a sub and as a woman. How do I make him understand that when he punishs me, or humilates me so that I can learn to better serve him, that it does not hurt me..that I enjoy it as it is making me better able to please him?
I hope that makes sense to somebody out there.

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RE: Question: - 3/30/2008 10:15:21 AM

Sylphid

Posts: 7
Joined: 2/16/2008
Status: offline

My experience tells me Doms like this either have guilty issues of their own to solve or they have not accepted their dominance yet. Natural but with communication on each side this should be solved.

What puzzles me is when you say that he thinks you deserve more than a d/s relationship. Is he basically trying nicely to tell you that he is not that into you as a girlfriend? Seems weird to me...

quote:

ORIGINAL: brazenface

I am new to this. Very new. I have felt the pull to be submissive to a man all of my life, and it has taked me this long to embrace it and stop fighting it. I have met a wonderful dom, and we have a happy relationship and I am enjoying leaning from him. My question is this, we are very compatable in our morals and what we want in life and get along amazing as a man and a woman as well as a Dom and his Sub. The issue is that he is starting to feel guilty because he is afaid he will hurt me, and he feels that I deserve more then a d/s relationship. He can't turn off the d/s in our normal life and that scares him. I feel that this is a man that I could serve and love forever as a sub and as a woman. How do I make him understand that when he punishs me, or humilates me so that I can learn to better serve him, that it does not hurt me..that I enjoy it as it is making me better able to please him?
I hope that makes sense to somebody out there.

(in reply to brazenface)

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RE: Question: - 3/30/2008 12:45:04 PM

Real_Trouble

Posts: 471
Joined: 2/25/2008
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My counter-question would be thus:

Ask him in what way a D/s relationship is "less" than a vanilla relationship, and see what he has to say. Then make sure to question him on his answer; this will either reveal that he's got a cognitive train-wreck in his head about sorting through the D/s thing (which is not uncommon, and could probably be untangled), or that he's just using the D/s bit as an excuse for sex, in most cases. Though, of course, not all.

Your mileage may vary, but good luck. Just communicate, talk it through, and find out what is really up.

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(in reply to Sylphid)

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RE: Question: - 3/30/2008 1:54:26 PM

LuckyAlbatross

Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
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My advice is usually to make friends with another Ds couple. Seeing other people doing it and happy about it can be all you need to say "Oh ok, no problem" and they can be great to ask questions and get reassurances from in other areas as well.

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(in reply to Real_Trouble)

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RE: Question: - 3/30/2008 2:26:37 PM

ThundersCry

Posts: 892
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It took me years....years, to accept the sadistic streak in me...let alone talk about it.

Once I was able to accept it I could begin to embrace it...and be free from the so called *guilt*...Screw guilt!

Some of it still scares me in ways today, thats why one has to know their limitations and boundaries.

There were times a few would try and force it out of me, and that did not work..it only made me retreat, unfortunatly...

IT`S not a bad thing he is thinking about *stuff*...Consensual sadists have alot of responsablities in many...areas.

Keep talking to him, allow him to make mistakes...

Good luck....

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)

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RE: Question: - 3/30/2008 2:33:07 PM

Noah

Posts: 1660
Joined: 7/5/2005
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quote:

ORIGINAL: LuckyAlbatross

My advice is usually to make friends with another Ds couple. Seeing other people doing it and happy about it can be all you need to say "Oh ok, no problem" and they can be great to ask questions and get reassurances from in other areas as well.

What a wonderful, pragmatic piece of advice.

We vouchsafe reality for one another, as someone said. For a person who has conceived this sort of relationship but never beheld or experienced it before, seeing could finally be believing.

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)

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RE: Question: - 3/30/2008 3:10:44 PM

subtee

Posts: 5133
Joined: 7/26/2007
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[lil hijack: Hi Noah]

If he isn't into meeting/befriending another couple have him come to us here! Read, ask, learn...

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Don't believe everything you think...

(in reply to Noah)

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RE: Question: - 3/31/2008 3:04:53 PM

FRSguy

Posts: 653
Joined: 9/4/2007
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He can actually bring the things he likes in a vanilla relationship into the D/S relationship. He shouldnt have to be 100% 24/7 all the time... everyone has a week moment its just a matter of how long it lasts and how much its expressed. Bring him to the boards and let him expand his horizons a little as far as his definitions are concerned. I know as a Dom myself it took me a while to find a kind of ballance in things. Its hard to explain but even if he just uses the board search he might be a little bit surprised in what he finds. Its not all violent and you can give subs roses and whip them too :) I really havent found any rule books yet so he just has to know that the relationship is how he defines it and for him to enforce and that you will love him all the more for it. I have found that the more I make myself happy the happier my sub is for it. I asked her when we were vanill what it is she liked and she said just do whatever you want and i will be happy for it. It eventually led to all of this and well... I am very happy and so is she... It just took me a while to figure out that I was allowed to be happy and have what I wanted.

(in reply to subtee)

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RE: Question: - 3/31/2008 3:21:53 PM

SteelofUtah

Posts: 5307
Joined: 10/2/2007
From: St George Utah
Status: offline

An Answer.

Desire and Drive are not always exclusive. Many people have issues dealing with the Programming they recieved as children and the Desire they currently have as Adults.

For Instance I was always taught you don't HIT girls, only Pussies hit girls, and if you hit a girl you deserve to be ass raped in prison .....sorry guys mom was a feminist.

As I grew up I found tha act of spanking to be Sexual and enjoyable and this eventually led me to investigate S&M, now I determined early on I am not a sadist however I do enjoy certain aspects of Pleasure from Pain and so I struggled with the aspects of right and wrong from the beginning and even today there are times when I am with girls who like it very rough that I have mixed emotions when I process the scene afterward. I also find I hold back greatly in all things, and then when I have someone tell me how intense a scene was and I relaize how much I was holding back I actually worry about what I am capable of.

This being said there is also a Sexual Nature VS. Sexual Nurture that many Men get caught up in when it comes to a Partner they are simply enjoying against a partner they are falling in love with. The Idea here is that a Person who is simply engaging in sexual activity with a woman may be okay with Bondage and Sadism with this partner because there is now emotional attachment but when you involve love the protection instinct comes in and a partner is no longer able to engage in things that subconciously he feels are damaging to a partner.

In this situation you may wish to seek Professional Therapy because if either of these situations are the case most of the time Neither of you will see the triggers nor will anything you try be dealing with the root of the problem, in essence you will only be trimming the branches not uprooting the stump.

In any degree if you love him pure and simple LOVE HIM THROUGH THIS. He cares enough about you to tell you about how he is feeling and trust me that is already more than many get.

Enjoy each other, and take small steps forward.

As Always

Steel

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(in reply to FRSguy)

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