RE: First Munch Bad Dom (Full Version)

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mzbehavin -> RE: First Munch Bad Dom (3/30/2008 10:09:45 PM)

Personally i think its a good lesson to not accept candy from strangers....The membership was the candy, the wankers the stranger, and now you have a tummy ache.
No, i dont think you should go to the munch. Find a new venue, away from his turf. Its fair to assume if he bought you a membership, he expected you to interact with him at said venue. Did that not cross your mind?
I do stupid things in the name of being nice all the time, not knocking you. Just saying... Live and learn...



hsagnev -> RE: First Munch Bad Dom (3/30/2008 10:23:27 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: summerblossom
Now immediatly upon me finishing saying that he didin't write for a minute or two and then came a long large post with a slew of insults and critisisms! His nice and polite demeanor vanished in seconds and he became an immediate and totall jerk.
Red flag right there, stop here, go no further and call GS on that.  End of conversation. Game over. Period.
 

quote:

ORIGINAL: summerblossom
He also told me that I was manipulating him and that he was tired of working things out to the finest detail when it came to me and that he always had to change his plans around me.

He offered the ride so I think the manipulation was the other way around.

quote:

ORIGINAL: summerblossom
I was just very hurt by it all and can't seem to get it out of my head because if I go back to the munch next saturday with someone else I know he will be there and I'm worried about that.
What is it that you're worried about exactly?  What he'll say or do?  Do you believe there will be a confrontation?





MasterWilliam55 -> RE: First Munch Bad Dom (3/30/2008 11:17:24 PM)

The point I was making LuckyAlbatross, was that her local community can and should provide support and if warrented provide action against this person. As I understand it, it appears that this Dom may have used the offer of a ride to a munch as an excuse to gain an inside track on this woman, gain her confidence and use that as a lever to achieve his personal agenda. When she refused him, he became belligerant, possibly abusive.

It's easy here to iggy someone...but in your local community where you may be confronted by him, time and again, only the community can confront him effectively unless she wants to call the police and this could likely get the venue shut down by them Or the establishment owners.

Sure, my example, is not quite the same issue as is apparent in her story. Again, the point was her community leaders can help, as can regular attendees, by isolating him.

I somewhat resent your assumption that in the case I recited, this was an isolated occurance or a situation that doesn't relate. I wouldn't have mentioned it, if it didn't relate, as an example, of getting the local community involved to some degree.




MasterWilliam55 -> RE: First Munch Bad Dom (3/30/2008 11:59:25 PM)

Yes they Should be capable of being responsible....and when they do not act responsibly?????

As for the years she's "known" him,  are you suggesting she should have known better, that it's Her fault?
I don't care how long she's known him, whether they played at cyber sex, whether she wear's micro mini's with no panties, or is a huge flirt on-line or in real life.. He crossed the line, the line that says No.

The community, especially event organizers, have some responsibilty to attendees, especially newbies, and to the venue owners. You think because the abuse happened away from the venue it doesn't effect us, that people can use venues and the community to prey on women and when rejected, abuse them later, and that we should ignor this?

Ya, he didn't abuse her at the party, he waited until later.




Silkendream -> RE: First Munch Bad Dom (3/31/2008 2:56:40 AM)

i agree with what everyone's said about unclear boundaries, but - having been brought up the same way myself, ie to be female in the sense of never being rude, always being nice, pleasing etc.  i've done all those behaviours you mentioned. 

I could never figure out why men never seemed to hear what i said until i saw a tv programme where a man was going out with a woman for the first time.  Afterwards people called him on it and said, couldnt you see how uncomfortable she was, and how much she hated your holding her hand etc (she did all the same behaviours you did ie politely trying to tell him she didn't like it) and he looked absolutely amazed and said. "well she didn't hit me and tell me to fuck off, so i thought it was alright".  That set off a light in my head and i've never forgotten it. 

The difference in how men see things and women see things is immense - you and i think that if we say, 'i don't really like that' then its a big neon sign saying goodbye, ended now, but men literally don't even notice it, they think its just a stage in  a negotiation.  When i started saying no, i thought the sky would fall, but really men don't seem to care in the same way we do - they're brought up to be tough!!  When we think we're just being friendly, they think they're in with a chance.  They're much rougher and readier than we are.  What we see as rudeness they see as honesty.  Deborah Tannen writes well about this. 

It is hard when you just want to be nice to people - especially when it all gets mixed up with dom/sub stuff - it does get confusing.  But on the other hand, when you do start delineating boundaries a bit more clearly (being rude, as we see it!!) life does get a lot easier, believe me!!  Good luck with it, cause it is hard (i'm having terrible trouble with it)



Gemini1766 -> RE: First Munch Bad Dom (3/31/2008 3:03:30 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: MasterWilliam55

Yes they Should be capable of being responsible....and when they do not act responsibly?????

As for the years she's "known" him,  are you suggesting she should have known better, that it's Her fault?
I don't care how long she's known him, whether they played at cyber sex, whether she wear's micro mini's with no panties, or is a huge flirt on-line or in real life.. He crossed the line, the line that says No.

The community, especially event organizers, have some responsibilty to attendees, especially newbies, and to the venue owners. You think because the abuse happened away from the venue it doesn't effect us, that people can use venues and the community to prey on women and when rejected, abuse them later, and that we should ignor this?

Ya, he didn't abuse her at the party, he waited until later.
Again, well said, Sir.
(Few get that from me, calling them Sir. Your posts show intelligence and thoughfulness. I can and do appriciate seeing such posts as your own, Sir.)



TysGalilah -> RE: First Munch Bad Dom (3/31/2008 3:48:37 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: mistoferin

oops grrrrr........that was me posting....I will get it right eventually!!!!

Oh brother..........I hope that you will take this in the spirit intended. I almost passed this whole post right by...but you did ask for opinions. I am pretty sure that mine will be one that you don't care much for but it is my honest interpretation of it.

In your post you say that you are a good communicator. I would beg to differ if that post is an accurate description of your interactions with that Dom. You are a terrible communicator who doesn't know how to clearly express her boundaries UP FRONT. You WERE leading him on. You were not being clear about where the lines were. You kept making excuses about why you did not express the way you were really feeling in regards to his advances (it was innocent so I let it go, he sounded so nice that I considered it at first, etc.). You were far too evasive about where your boundaries lie and honestly I get a sense that maybe you might not be entirely convicted on where they are yourself. You went out with a guy you weren't interested in at all. You allowed his pushy advances. You tolerated his rudeness (or might it have been sheer frustration?) and continued to converse in spite of it for quite some time. If you really were as good at communication as you think you are, certainly after 7 years he would know where your boundaries and interests lie. If you really "keep your boundaries", after 7 years he would certainly know that you would not tolerate or be pushed into things you did not want to do.




I agree with Erin
and your ability to set and hold your personal boundaries needs serious attention.
 
something else jumped out at me>
...granted I haven't been to every munch held everywhere  but...."playing" & toys haven't been a part of the ones I have attended...
Are you sure this was a munch??
I see other inconsistencies in your story..
 
my "truth-o-meter" is flashing red.
 
  edited for spelling mistake



colouredin -> RE: First Munch Bad Dom (3/31/2008 4:12:33 AM)

Ive done it, I have maintained contact with people I knew were interested in me when I wasnt, and why did I do it? because it boosts your confidence, its nice knowing people fancy you and its nice knowing theres a back up even if you have absolutly no intention of ever using it. Whenever I have told people what I actually feel I feel bad and try to mend it, not because im a lovely person who wants to be nice to people nope but because i like having people who fancy me, im shallow sure but you know what I bet a lot of people if they are honest do the same thing.

I would say you are a tease, you dont like him yet you speak to him for 7 years? You know in the past he has pestered you for play and yet you go with him to a  munch and let him pay your membership? What and you are confused? I mean in fairness he should have left you alone totally when you said you werent interested but at the same time you should have left him alone too because if hes that much of an asshole why did you want him in your life? If you were close mates and he offered you a lift and to pay your membership thats cool, but someone you know fancies you in a sexual enviroment? Hmmm

Also as galliah said, since when do munchs have play?



lally3 -> RE: First Munch Bad Dom (3/31/2008 4:21:41 AM)

hi,

i dont go along with the whole thing that because someone dips into their pocket for you it instantly means theyve bought you.  bull shite!

truth is there are people out there who just dont hear the word no.  youve known him for a long time and if he was in any way switched in to people he would have taken note and realised by now, surely, that you are more lesbian than hetero and more dominant than sub.  he must also know your personality and that you dont like to hurt peoples feelings or rain on their parade too heavily.  so.... ultimately he is ignoring your needs in favour of his own.

i hate people who use truisms, that just because they say something is so, it is, in their book.  arrrghhhh, its a real red flag to me.  youre never going to win with this person, he is always going to bug you and try to wear you down.  probably thats how he gets through life and relationships, by wearing people down to the point where they just give in.

well done for not giving in.  give yourself a pat on the back and ignore the prick.

.... in my humble opinion that is.... trying to be more humble, not sure if its coming off though.....



TNstepsout -> RE: First Munch Bad Dom (3/31/2008 4:59:14 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: colouredin

Also as galliah said, since when do munchs have play?



Munches don't have play, but sometimes munches at dungeons are followed by play.  There's not really a term for the period AFTER the munch since it's just open dungeon time. Maybe it's not an acceptable use of the word, but when referring to my experience, I have used the term "munch" to describe then entire evening, not just the munch part.



colouredin -> RE: First Munch Bad Dom (3/31/2008 5:01:12 AM)

Ahh ok :D fair enough, i got confused



Dnomyar -> RE: First Munch Bad Dom (3/31/2008 5:03:44 AM)

Here a guy was just trying to assert his self as a Dom.



Kirren -> RE: First Munch Bad Dom (3/31/2008 5:32:48 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: MasterWilliam55

Yes they Should be capable of being responsible....and when they do not act responsibly?????

As for the years she's "known" him,  are you suggesting she should have known better, that it's Her fault?
I don't care how long she's known him, whether they played at cyber sex, whether she wear's micro mini's with no panties, or is a huge flirt on-line or in real life.. He crossed the line, the line that says No.

The community, especially event organizers, have some responsibilty to attendees, especially newbies, and to the venue owners. You think because the abuse happened away from the venue it doesn't effect us, that people can use venues and the community to prey on women and when rejected, abuse them later, and that we should ignor this?

Ya, he didn't abuse her at the party, he waited until later.





I have to agree with this. Im not advocating the "victim" role, nor am I saying that shes trying to play that. But at the same hand...I dont give a shit how much I flirt with a man...when I say no. I By God mean no.

The fact that he waited to try and force play with her is not good. The idea that he tried to coerse (sp) when he knew that she was 1) Not into men like that and 2) not a sub....shows that he allowed himself to believe that there could be more than friendship. Which is his own fault. He lead himself on.

His bahavior was deplorable, and I personally would have nothing on a public or private level to do with any one that would behave in such a way.

It would, in short, be like blaming the rape victim, tho again I hestiate to use that word, for wearing a skirt. That is old and its tired. Women have the right to say no. They have the right to say..."Look, I appreciate that you took Me to dinner, but this is a just friends thing, and youve crossed a line" and then when lil buddy gets out of line and starts calling her a tease, or telling her shes led him on because she dressed for the occasion, or what have you and he sat thru dinner getting all worked up about what color panties she was wearing and got worked into a froth, she has the right to say " hands off. I told you this is a just friends thing".

Yes, she could have been more clear. But her body language, and the fact that she stated she wasnt comfortable with his advances should have been enuff for any man who paid attention. No, he was not in the right at all to attack her character, and I suspect he did so knowing what kind of person she is and hoping she would give up some mercy play or even sex. Pitiful on his part if you ask Me. I can almost hear him saying "c'mon baby you know you want it..."

So...in reality...he allowed himself to get worked up...he allowed himself to be led on...because he wanted something. And when it didnt come thru, he showed his ass.

I think that since this is a very sexually charged life style people tend to accept that if a woman goes with a man to a munch, even tho she has clearly laid out her limits, she should give him something for the ride, for dinner, or in this case, for the membership fee. He made a choice. He was in essence trying to buy her affections by "getting her out of her shell" as he put it, and when he forced the situation he got slapped in the face with it.

Everyone wants to say she was leading him on, she didnt communicate well...What should she have done? Hit him with a brick and told him to go fornicate with himself?
She told him she was uncomfortable with his advances and to stop. He continued, she got more firm. He attacked her. Those of you that think she was leading him on, I wonder how much sympathy you would have had if she had been raped, or beaten...

He went into this knowing that they were friends. He went into this knowing that she was a lesbian and a switch with Top tendancies...he chose to let his lil mind work over time and he got disappointed. Sucks to be him.




mistoferin -> RE: First Munch Bad Dom (3/31/2008 5:33:06 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: MasterWilliam55

Yes they Should be capable of being responsible....and when they do not act responsibly?????

As for the years she's "known" him,  are you suggesting she should have known better, that it's Her fault?
I don't care how long she's known him, whether they played at cyber sex, whether she wear's micro mini's with no panties, or is a huge flirt on-line or in real life.. He crossed the line, the line that says No.

The community, especially event organizers, have some responsibilty to attendees, especially newbies, and to the venue owners. You think because the abuse happened away from the venue it doesn't effect us, that people can use venues and the community to prey on women and when rejected, abuse them later, and that we should ignor this?

Ya, he didn't abuse her at the party, he waited until later.


I disagree with you on this. I guess we see "abuse" a bit differently.

You asked me if I think it's her fault. I think that her actions (or inactions) certainly played a role. Our actions do not necessarily justify anothers' actions...but we do at least have to take responsibility for our own. I responded to this post because when I was younger, I used to worry a lot more about what others thought and if I was pleasing everyone. I drove myself crazy trying to make everyone happy and ignoring what I should have been doing to make *me* happy and remain true to myself. That type of behavior got me into lots of troubles and hurt really bad a time or two. Some lessons are harder to learn than others. But the one thing that I can say that I have always done is look back in retrospect and understand the role that I played in the situation and accept the responsibility for that part.

Many people become victims because they volunteer to be one by NOT being clear about their boundaries and what they will or will not tolerate, or by putting themselves in situations that common sense should tell them that they don't belong in. The reasons why they do this can be many and range all the way from sheer naivety to wanting to have fun, belong, be accepted or be found pleasing....among others.

No, I don't think that she is responsible for his actions....but she is responsible for her own and it would serve her well to do a bit of retrospective analysis of the part she played, own at least that part and determine how to best serve her own interests in the future in a way that might help her to avoid a repeat of the situation. That is what adults do, assume personal responsibility and accountability of their own actions, learn the lessons that come from making the mistakes and try to apply those lessons to the future.

I'm not a perfect person, far from it. I screw up ALL the time. But when I do screw up, I don't rely upon or expect a savior to save me from myself. Not a dom or a community. If I don't like skinned knees it's my job to learn how to walk more carefully. I'm not anyone's responsibilty but my own.



Viridana -> RE: First Munch Bad Dom (3/31/2008 6:58:21 AM)

fr

I do think that this guy is an asshole. I do think he went overboard and showed some behaviours that would make me quite frankly, scared, if I were in the OP's position.

However.... I also do believe one has to take responsibility for one's actions. Why would you stay in contact, IM, phone or real life, with somebody that you really don't like, somebody that has numerous times shown tendencies to not listen and don't take no for an answer, somebody who obviously has an unwelcomed personal agenda? why would you be in contact with such a person for 7 years??  and why oh why would you ever go out on a munch with such a person??

I just hope that this all was a well used learning experience ..



HerLord -> RE: First Munch Bad Dom (3/31/2008 7:02:49 AM)

I'll go one stronger than previously stated. If I spend time with someone who wants more from me than I them for SEVEN years, there is obviously something I want. If I then agree to go to a sexually driven event with them, allow them to drive me and OFFER to pay my way in, I obviously am enticing them. If while at said event I throw a hissy fit, and FORCE my ride (who at this point assumably is ignoring me) to leave the event early to take me home. And THEN continue said disdainful relationship, and only THEN become irritated by further advances I am Either a) a whore, or b)an idiot. Either way... I don't wind up looking good.

So Let's take this OP
quote:

ORIGINAL: summerblossom

Okay here is my story. I will have to full explain it so you understand why I am upset. I have known this guy on and off for about 6 to 7 years. We never got along in the past but managed to keep friendly by talking on yahoo messenger. One of the reasons we never got along was because the only times he wanted to come to see me is if I would give him something in return such as my submission to him.
And so the pattern developed VERY early on. 
quote:

So it didin't work out but as I said we managed to keep mildly friendly over the years via messenger. A munch was in Orlando  recently on a Saturday and he offered to give me a ride since he was going anyways. He even offered to pay for my membership and he was so nice and friendly about I suppose that I forgot what a pushy ass he had been in the past and went with him.
And since we dont see any negation of acceptance I will hereby declare as accepted, and thusly payment for services he hope to be rendered.
quote:

It was my first munch and everything went great. I mostly stayed to myself and just observed the goings on around me and enjoyed it very much. He is into pony play and he met up with his group
and so you say he was not around you
quote:

to do some of that. Nearing the end of our stay he took out his flogger and started to tease me with it, which made me uncomfortable because we didin't discuss anything about that but I let him do it because it seemed so innocent at the time.
Your whole pretense is that of abuse but here you say you let... I am deeply confused. Besides You say You have known him for years, so how can you sit there and type that you figured it was "innocent" when you knew from the word "go", SEVEN FUCKING YEARS AGO, he wanted this and more?
quote:

Anyways I asked if he would take me home because I was tired from lack of sleep, the air conditioner was broke and I was also feeling hot and stuffy. No problem, he took me home but did mention he wished I had played with him a little bit more.
Another sign of interest, how many do you need?
quote:

I ignored that
Again with the not paying attention to the reality
quote:

mostly because I know him and know he is a little bit pushy about those things but it was innocent as he just dropped the subject and dropped me off home.
You actually thus far are painting him to be a gentleman, retarded for his interest for you, but still a gentleman.
quote:

 I thanked him greatly for taking me and that was that.

Next week comes around and we correspond by messenger and he tells me there is another munch coming up and would I like to go with him?
At what point does anyone's bullshitometer kickin?
quote:

 He did make a point of saying this time that he was feeling dominant and wanted to play with me if I went. (BTW he is a switch that leans toward the dominant side and I am a switch that also leans towards the dominant side but I am also pretty much a lesbian.) He knows that I prefer women and am mostly uncomfortable with men and also knows I much prefer being dominant.
This aint even clear here in writing... You sorta kinda maybe dig women more than men, iffy. You kinda sorta maybe like not being told what to do...
quote:

 I have made this perfectly clear to him on many occasions. It's no secret.
Your right it aint no secret, for to be a secret... SOMEONE has to know it. And even you don't so I'm guessing it's about as clear as cum.
quote:

When we entered into this conversation at first I was a little taken off guard because I had thought he gave up trying to push me to be his submissive.
at first... you mean SEVEN FUCKING YEARS AGO? Maybe I'm Missing something here... not likely being as I going through this one sentance at a time... but hasn't this been going on for SEVEN FUCKING YEARS?
quote:

 He started off sounding so nice and polite that I even considered it at first just because I like making people happy and I wanted him to be happy with me.
If you dont like and never did... Why the HELL would you care about him being happy, ESP considering that this sick sad affair has gone on for SEVEN FUCKING YEARS? 
quote:

(this is where I go wrong trying to please people).
trying to please people has absofuckinglutely notagoddamthing to do with where YOU went wrong.
quote:

 I never once told him I was going to do it, instead I asked him question after question about exactly what he would have wanted me to do
and you think that you went wrong in the pleasing people dept? You who hasn't agreed to go with him, are asking him about the SEXUAL things he wants to do?
quote:

and when he told me I kept mentioning how that made me uncomfortable and asked more questions.
So you were uncomfortable with the conversation, but yet for some psycho babble reason you instigated more of said uncomfortability? Something is definately awry with this. Are we actually getting the truth anymore?
quote:

The conversation went on for a while and when I got myself together
so this was after he made you orgasm to his words?
quote:

and realized he was just being super pushy I put my foot down and said ''This idea makes me very uncomfortable and it is probably best if we don't go together."
Now immediatly upon me finishing saying that he didin't write for a minute or two and then came a long large post with a slew of insults and critisisms! His nice and polite demeanor vanished in seconds and he became an immediate and totall jerk.
Can't for the life of me figure out why... I mean I wait for at least ten years of ballbusting, bullshiting, and general confusion and sanctimonious self serving selfishness before I get frustrated and cuss a cunt out.
quote:


He went on and on about how im encased in a shell that ive put up around myself
Again, you make him look good, and right.
quote:

and he was going to bring me out of it, that I had to try new things and experience new things,  that he felt pity for me no matter how hard he tried to help me I always fight him on everything, and that he is tired of trying to bring me off the internet etc etc. This was all a shock to me
How the hell could this have possibly surprized any one?
quote:

because I couldn't believe the bs that was spewing from him!
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAha
quote:

It went on and on for a while until, finally, in a really bad mood, I ended the conversation.
It took you SEVEN FUCKING YEARS to figure this one out. This "conversation" should have ended before any of this made these boards.
quote:

 He also told me that I was manipulating him
I would term it USING but still He's right.
quote:

and that he was tired of working things out to the finest detail when it came to me and that he always had to change his plans around me. I was so upset by all of this crap I wanted to write in to the message boards about it and see what others thought because none of what he said was even remotly near the truth.

I'm a very good person
Not by what we're reading here.
quote:

and I communicate well.
 In SEVEN FUCKING YEARS you were unable to communicate effectively to this man that he would NEVER get his dick wet by you... So I'm thinking your probably not as good at communicating as you think.
quote:

 I told him how I felt about things very clearly and he has known this all along.
If it was as clearly as it was here... I'm thinking No DAMN wonder.
quote:

It just seems like the minute he didin't get his way he came down on my personal character and attacked me!
So... your saying that for SEVEN FUCKING YEARS, he was getting his way with you? Another discrepancy I am not smart enough to corrrelate.
quote:

 I was just very hurt by it all and can't seem to get it out of my head because if I go back to the munch next saturday with someone else I know he will be there and I'm worried about that.


And I am damn sure worried about the community you go to. If this is the pattern of behavior you bring to the table... I hope for them, the thought of his presence will intimidate the HELL out of you enough to NEVER attend any more events, EVER!



MasterWilliam55 -> RE: First Munch Bad Dom (3/31/2008 8:51:45 AM)

I don't disagree with you.
she does have to take responsibility for her own actions, we all do, and in the Op's case she should do some retrospective analysis as you suggest.  I'm not giving her a pass on this, but I'm also keeping in mind, that some submissives are more vulnerable than others. 

At the very least though the event organizer(s) should caution him and ask him to appologize to this girl. If he doesn't, then ban him from attending future events for some period of time. I think that's fair under the circumstances.

Behaviour like his often escalates over time. If he is not confronted then in effect he is being rewarded for his actions.



Missokyst -> RE: First Munch Bad Dom (3/31/2008 8:52:33 AM)

Ok... I am not sure what the problem is here.  Whether or not you intended to, hope sprang eternal in this guy for 7 yrs waiting for you.  You probably got so used to doing it you couldn't see it coming.  He probably thought, finally, she is coming through!  His reaction was childish, but that happens.
Maybe next time you will know better. 
I would go to that munch.. (and try to find another one where playing isn't apt to happen).  I would socialise and be friendly, but not spend any more than a hello on that guy. 
Your mistake was in letting him dangle.
Cut the string.
Kyst



BoiJen -> RE: First Munch Bad Dom (3/31/2008 9:14:59 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: MasterWilliam55

I don't disagree with you.
she does have to take responsibility for her own actions, we all do, and in the Op's case she should do some retrospective analysis as you suggest.  I'm not giving her a pass on this, but I'm also keeping in mind, that some submissives are more vulnerable than others. 

At the very least though the event organizer(s) should caution him and ask him to appologize to this girl. If he doesn't, then ban him from attending future events for some period of time. I think that's fair under the circumstances.

Behaviour like his often escalates over time. If he is not confronted then in effect he is being rewarded for his actions.


Unless the offense occured in direct violation of her openly, and LOUDLY saying "No. I do not want to play with you at all." The event organizers have absolutely NO responsibility toward this matter at all. Not one ounce. Because this is a personal matter and, while, we do have a responsibility to eachother as a community, it is not ANYONE's business or place to get involved in personal matters where the only thing that's happened is somebody's feelings are hurt and someone else's ego is bruised.

There is no physical abuse. There is no unrecoverable damage to her person, mind, or emotional state. She is an adult and has the total responsibility for choosing to be in a situation where she KNEW...blatantly KNEW this guy's behaviour patterns.

There's being a good community member and quietly saying something to her about this being a safe space and his actions not being normal or up to par with others...and maybe steering her away. It's an entirely different matter of shoving your nose into someone else's shit.



Stephann -> RE: First Munch Bad Dom (3/31/2008 9:40:58 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: HerLord

I'll go one stronger than previously stated. If I spend time with someone who wants more from me than I them for SEVEN years, there is obviously something I want. If I then agree to go to a sexually driven event with them, allow them to drive me and OFFER to pay my way in, I obviously am enticing them. If while at said event I throw a hissy fit, and FORCE my ride (who at this point assumably is ignoring me) to leave the event early to take me home. And THEN continue said disdainful relationship, and only THEN become irritated by further advances I am Either a) a whore, or b)an idiot. Either way... I don't wind up looking good.


Again, wearing a short skirt because she might want to get laid, doesn't mean he's entitled to rape her.

Her ride wasn't forced to do anything; he chose to go out of his way to court her.  It did almost work; but that doesn't mean he's entitled to act as if it did.

If I have a gay friend of seven years (and I did in fact have such a friend) who invites me to a bar, knowing I'm straight, knowing that I've made it clear I'm not interested in him, I probably wouldn't have let him pay for my membership sure.  But if he's my ride, and I'm ready to leave, I tell him.  I don't owe him anything -  he's supposed to be my friend.  It's not my fault if he wants more.

The real issue here, is that she wasn't sure until after the fact that she didn't want to play with him.  She thought about it, and had he not have been quite so pushy, she very well might have.  It's not her fault he's not suave, it's not her fault he got pissed off that he's not suave, and it's not her fault the friendship is ruined.  It will be her fault, if she doesn't cut him out of her life.

Summer,

go to the next with a friend if you want.  You don't owe him the time of day.  It sucks when a friendship is ruined, it sucks when people are ruled by the wrong head.  Chalk it up to a learning experience.

Stephan



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