Expectations of a Sub?

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devoT -> Expectations of a Sub? (3/30/2008 11:19:23 PM)
Greetings all, Been wondering for a while: as submissives/slaves, what are your expectations from a Domme? I know some of you will say "I'm not allowed any" LOL, but what I mean is, you must, at some level, when deciding to offer yourself to a Domme, expect/desire that She is going to fulfil your needs, whether that be within the context of a long term relationship or a brief, paid-for encounter. Would you be disappointed, for example, to discover that your Domme had other submissives/slaves besides you? Would you be disappointed to discover that She was married? Or had a long term partner of any gender/status? Would this have been a dream dashed for you? Did you hope that one day you might be lucky enough to fulfil that role for Her? Do you expect a sexual component to your relationship? Do you expect your Domme to make you cum, whether with her own hand/tool or not, perhaps as a finale to your encounter/scene? Would you be disappointed if She didn't? What if it was Her desire to keep you denied, despite your wishes? Would you leave and seek another Domme? Would it make a difference if you were paying for the encounter, i.e. "the customer is king"?

HerLord -> RE: Expectations of a Sub? (3/30/2008 11:29:20 PM)
excellent post... I look forward to the answers... Unfortunately I do not qualify to answer.

colouredin -> RE: Expectations of a Sub? (3/31/2008 3:31:13 AM)
Of course there are base expectations, I would not get involved with someone who was married whether the partner knew or not or in a long term relationship. I just think that would feel a bit sordid (poly is differant but even then wary) Aside from what you wrote I expect attention, not constant but some, would want to feel like both parties were making an effort. I do expect a sexual componant. Also I would want it to based more on 'scenes' i would want somone capable of a relationship. I want someone with their own house because logistically thats the only way it would work, also someone with a bit of money who doesnt expect me to pay for everything, in the past most of the time I have to pay a fortune in train fare etc and I dont have much money myself, It would be quite nice to at least be offered half of the fare paid. I wouldnt pay for it no, as I said I wouldnt want a purely scening relationship. They have to be clean, not have stalking ex's or whatever. They have to value my opinion esp in the early stages, things that clearly are a big deal to me there has to be some element of compromise with that. Umm I think thats it, Oh they have to know what they want be smart and interesting, and I have to be sexually attracted to them.

CelticPrince -> RE: Expectations of a Sub? (3/31/2008 4:01:07 AM)
quote: I want someone with their own house because logistically thats the only way it would work, also someone with a bit of money who doesnt expect me to pay for everything, in the past most of the time I have to pay a fortune in train fare etc and I dont have much money myself, It would be quite nice to at least be offered half of the fare paid. colouredin, seems strange, why would you pay any part of the fare if your going into a service time for a "D"? CP

faithfulfemme -> RE: Expectations of a Sub? (3/31/2008 4:07:27 AM)
sub's expectations of a Dom......ok, i'm going to make this post and see how it differs from what i think in 6 months or so (keep in mind i'm into StoneButch Dom's and usually their preferred title is Dom, not Domme). First, i'm not poly. Am only able to do monogamy, so that let's out my Dom being in a relationship. Marriage doesn't count here, i'm queer and we can't get married. Well, in Canada and Massachusetts.....and a couple of european countries. BDSM is important to me, and it's important that there be a corporal component to our play: flogging, spanking, whips, on that order. Being a masochist, this is necessary to my well-being. There also must be a sexual component to our scening. Having patience and consistancy is a good thing, as is personal hygiene and sharing expenses, as coloredin said. Also, as coloredin says, my opinion in certain things should be respected. Being nice when called for and stern when needed. Allowing me a safeword and a hard list. Being emotionally available. Being honorable and offering me loyalty and respect. Sometimes this can be more important than love.....

colouredin -> RE: Expectations of a Sub? (3/31/2008 4:15:30 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: CelticPrince quote: I want someone with their own house because logistically thats the only way it would work, also someone with a bit of money who doesnt expect me to pay for everything, in the past most of the time I have to pay a fortune in train fare etc and I dont have much money myself, It would be quite nice to at least be offered half of the fare paid. colouredin, seems strange, why would you pay any part of the fare if your going into a service time for a "D"? CP Because ummm thats what one does, its for my enjoyment too isnt it, I would just like half offered.

tahlly -> RE: Expectations of a Sub? (3/31/2008 4:41:10 AM)
I have no expectations of my owner at all; at least not in the sense that you are referring to. My needs, as you put them, are few and far between; monetary needs I can fullfill myself, food, shelter; those too, I can fulfill myself. I don't seek love or marriage from him; so those are not needed. I receive guidance, communication, a place to utilize my need to be of service. I do not 'expect' these though; they are freely given to me by my owner. quote: Would you be disappointed, for example, to discover that your Domme had other submissives/slaves besides you? He has other girls; some who live with us on occassion; some who do not. Some are here for the long haul, some are just here to learn something new and then move on. It matters little to me how many girls he has or does not have; that is not my business. quote: Would you be disappointed to discover that She was married? Or had a long term partner of any gender/status? I know for a fact that he is not married; as for long term partners...could you please define what you refer to as a long term partner? quote: Would this have been a dream dashed for you? Did you hope that one day you might be lucky enough to fulfil that role for Her? No, it would have 'dashed' nothing. I had no dreams of one day marrying him; nor do I have any now. As for the sexual part. As I already stated, I had no expectations going into my relationship with him; and receiving sexual favors from him falls under that umbrella. If he feels the need to have sex with me, he does. If he does not feel the need, he does not. My type of service to him is decided by him. It's that simple.

DesFIP -> RE: Expectations of a Sub? (3/31/2008 4:49:55 AM)
Married, poly, long term denial, those are the kinds of things I would want to know about before I agreed to meet them for coffee. But at the same time you ought to be listing your needs in a relationship on your profile. So that a married, poly, denial type will know better than to contact you. As far as a prodomme, you won't have sex of any kind with her, because that makes it prostitution and she isn't going to want to go to jail for $50 more.

TreasureKY -> RE: Expectations of a Sub? (3/31/2008 4:55:56 AM)
Of course I have expectations. I have expectations for myself and my life... why would I have none for someone I chose to be such an important part of my life?

catize -> RE: Expectations of a Sub? (3/31/2008 5:53:20 AM)
Yes I have expectations in order to be fulfilled in the relationship. Everything was discussed and agreed to before I submitted. I expect them to abide by that agreement just as they expect me to do. Other partners, marital status, whether or not there will be sexual activity should be talked about early on. Much less disappointment when one knows the scoop.

sweetnurseBBW -> RE: Expectations of a Sub? (3/31/2008 6:31:00 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: devoT Greetings all, Been wondering for a while: as submissives/slaves, what are your expectations from a Domme? I know some of you will say "I'm not allowed any" LOL, but what I mean is, you must, at some level, when deciding to offer yourself to a Domme, expect/desire that She is going to fulfil your needs, whether that be within the context of a long term relationship or a brief, paid-for encounter. I expect them to keep me safe and abide by the guidelines we set forth in the beginning. Would you be disappointed, for example, to discover that your Domme had other submissives/slaves besides you? Again something you discuss before you become involved with them. Would you be disappointed to discover that She was married? Or had a long term partner of any gender/status? Would this have been a dream dashed for you? Did you hope that one day you might be lucky enough to fulfil that role for Her? Again same answer as above. Do you expect a sexual component to your relationship? If thats what we agreed to and both wanted. Do you expect your Domme to make you cum, whether with her own hand/tool or not, perhaps as a finale to your encounter/scene? Their choice. Would you be disappointed if She didn't? What if it was Her desire to keep you denied, despite your wishes? One word, communication. Would you leave and seek another Domme? If they didn't abide by the guidelines we set forth. Would it make a difference if you were paying for the encounter, i.e. "the customer is king"? Never paid for it.

littleone35 -> RE: Expectations of a Sub? (3/31/2008 9:41:50 AM)
I had expectation of what i needed in a relatiojnship all all were discussed BEFORE i submitted. If you don't you may be looking for troublr down the line. Matt's littleone

HerLord -> RE: Expectations of a Sub? (3/31/2008 10:50:49 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: catize Yes I have expectations in order to be fulfilled in the relationship. Everything was discussed and agreed to before I submitted. I expect them to abide by that agreement just as they expect me to do. Other partners, marital status, whether or not there will be sexual activity should be talked about early on. Much less disappointment when one knows the scoop. Thankyou... Much gooder on these tired old eyes... Nice answer also...

devoT -> RE: Expectations of a Sub? (3/31/2008 12:11:02 PM)
Excellent responses all: many thanks indeed. A bit of explanation... my wife and I have been into this lifestyle for just over a year or so now, and everything is going really well. A few teething problems in the beginning were solved by communicating more. Several of my wife's friends have expressed curiosity about how "well-trained' I seem to be, and have been let into our little secret. One in particular has expressed a great deal of interest, and the questions in my OP really stemmed from conversations we've been having with her. As my wife and I discovered BDSM after we were already married, we couldn't really answer. Our friend wants to explore being a Pro Domme, as well as bringing it into her relationship with her own husband (who's equally keen). However, she was concerned that being already married might put off potential subs, and, at this stage, she hasn't fully decided whether to offer any sexual satisfaction as part of her 'services' to other subs. This is obviously something she needs to discuss with her husband first, but she was concerned that any unwillingness to introduce a sexual component might also put off potential subs from contacting her. Her principal interests at the moment are keyholding and corporal punishment/discipline. Whether that changes in future, as she gets more comfortable, I can't say. I guess she doesn't want to disappoint anyone, and as has been rightly pointed out, good communication in the beginning to establish everybody's expectations and boundaries is absolutely key. I suppose the 'killer' question then must be: if she DIDN'T offer sexual satisfaction (in some form) as a Pro, would any sub still be interested at all? Is it a given?

TreasureKY -> RE: Expectations of a Sub? (3/31/2008 12:39:13 PM)
I might be wrong, but I would think as a pro, if she DOES offer any "sexual satisfaction" it would fall into the realm of prostitution.

devoT -> RE: Expectations of a Sub? (3/31/2008 3:13:28 PM)
OK, I'm not too up on the legal aspects here, but if I understand you correctly then if she actually OFFERS sexual satisfaction, then it becomes prostitution and therefore illegal (in most places). However, and I'm guessing here, I would imagine that some form of sexual satisfaction often takes place between Pro and Sub; it's just not "advertised" to avoid breaking the law. So, to modify my question back to the original, would a sub therefore EXPECT sexual satisfaction from a Pro, even if she explicitly stated in her profile or ad that she wasn't offering such? Would the sub ASSUME that she was merely saying this for the purposes of legality, rather than an actual intent?

hopelesslyInvo -> RE: Expectations of a Sub? (3/31/2008 4:15:59 PM)
i'm not assertive in the least, and even less so in a sexual fashion, but i would be absolutely unable to stand it if touching them was something off limits. i'm not talking, "well if i want to have sex, then i should be able to", or "if i wanna touch your body anyway/anyhow, then i should be able to if even only now and then". i mean i don't want a partner to get jumpy or angry if i started randomly massaging or rubbing their shoulders or something, or get slapped for laying my head on them, or not be able to just sneak up and attack with a surprise hug, or if we were kissing that i couldn't hold onto them. sure there might be times when i wouldn't or couldn't, but just as a guidline i don't want to be in a relationship where i feel like my affection of this sort would be shunned.

TreasureKY -> RE: Expectations of a Sub? (3/31/2008 4:42:29 PM)
I'm not sure there really is an easy answer to your question. I'm not a domme, nor a pro... and I'm certainly not an expert on the male submissive psyche or the legal aspects of professional domination. This would also seem to carry the conversation into an area of discussion that could be widely debated... what constitutes "sexual satisfaction"? If a sub gets sexually aroused by being whipped or sexually excited by being denied orgasm, then is a domme who accepts payment for whipping or requiring a chastity device really being paid for sexual service? Even if the domme and sub have no physical contact? Beats me. The sub may say yes and the domme may say no... and the law may have its own ideas. I think the only answer to give you is that it is going to depend upon the individual sub. I'm sorry... I don't think that was very helpful to you.

apettiger -> RE: Expectations of a Sub? (3/31/2008 4:48:00 PM)
i expect Them to always remember that i am a human being. i expect some form of affection. i expect kindness and consideration. it would bother me if the One i was considering turned out to be married, only if He had neglected to tell me before we got so far as to having me call Him "Master" or "Sir". i would have informed Him early on that that is NOT what i am looking for. again, as to other sub/slaves, it would bother me if He neglected to infrom me of them. i would have informed Him in the beginning that i desire to be the only or the alpha. i expect Them to protect me. i expect Them to, at least, pay Their own way. i will take care of my expenses. i DO expect sex. it is my main motivator. it is difficult for me to truely submit to a man who will not use me sexually. i DO NOT expect to be allowed to cum before, during or after each session, but often enough to keep me from wanting to strike out on my own. (i know what i am and make no bones about it) let me make myself clear, i would roam only for sex, NOT another Dom/Top/Master. if i was unhappy in Their care(as my Master/Dom/Top), i would end it and find another as an UNOWNED sub.

metalmiss -> RE: Expectations of a Sub? (3/31/2008 6:07:47 PM)
Expectations.. Well, in the event that i am seeking (which i am not) i have plenty of expectations as you put it for a potential Dom/Master.. Simple guidelines by which i conduct my search. Before i even considered submitting to that Person i would expect there to be a very frank and open discussion about expectations on both sides. As far as other long term partners, being married & other sub's or slaves is concerned, that would all depend upon the Person in question. If it was all out in the open & everyone was happy with the situation, such as within a Poly or open & casual environment for example, then this would present no real barrier to me as far as progressing the relationship is concerned.. What i can't stand are the cheats & liars.. i have no time for them. So a need for discretion in that area would be a deal breaker.. i have no desire to feel like anybody's dirty little secret. Yes, i do expect a sexual component in my relationship.. i am a very sexual person and i would only persue taking things futher with Somebody who felt the same in that respect. However i do not expect to be made to cum during every single sexual encounter with my Master.. if it pleases Him to make me cum then that is His choice, not mine. i have no right to demand or expect any such thing from Him.. If it is His decision to deprive me of that, objection is not my place & i accept it in the knowledge that my frustration and eagerness to earn such a right pleases Him. Leaving Him because of something so insignificant wouldn't even begin to enter my mind.. Surely a submissive or slave wouldn't walk away on the grounds of something so small?

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