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StrongSpirit -> RE: Slaves and Safewords (8/3/2008 8:54:13 PM)
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There has been a lot of really BAD INFORMATION posted in this thread.
Sorry to shout, but this is a long thread, and it frankly scared me how ignorant some of the people were. I can easily see a beginner getting serious screwed up because they followed the advice that is predominant on this thread. I disagree with it strongly, and must clarify.
The definition of "safe word" is: 'a means of communication to tell the dominant that the sub is no longer consenting.' That is the definition of all safe words. There are subtypes, which some of you are confusing as the only meaning, but that is the real definition of the phrase. "No" is a safeword. "Low blood sugar" is a safe word. "That's a bit much" is a safe word. "If you do that again, I'm calling the cops" is a safeword. Please note that using this definition, if you truly do not use a safeword, you are committing a crime. This web site is mostly used by law abiding, safeword using people, even if they don't know it. Most of you that claim you are not using a safeword appear to actually be using one, no matter how strongly you deny it.
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So, why do so many of you think a safeword is a bad thing? Mainly because you are confusing the three special sub-categories of safewords with all safewords, and are not doing the specific kind of BDSM that those categories were designed for. Using them is kind of like puting a hand cuff key in your toy bag even though you don't have a set of handcuffs. It looks pretty stupid for YOU, but to someone that uses hand cuffs, it is an essential tool.
Special sub-category one: non-submissive Masochist play. I call this type "Red/Yellow/Green". This is actually pretty common. Lots of people like sensation/play, but don't particularly feel the need to bow down to a dominant. They want someone to carefully do what they tell them to, not use them however the dominant wants.
Hence the Red-Yellow-Green safeword system. Red means stop, Yellow means slow, Green means full speed ahead. Using this system, the bottom is in control of the scene.
If you are not a masochist that dislikes submission, then chances are, you will not be very interested in this type of safe word. But if you like pain, but dislike obeying, this sounds pretty good to you.
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The second type is what I call "Rosebud". It is a special word that you won't normally use, but you should easily remember it. It should ALWAYS be chosen by the sub, and it should ALWAYS be something the sub will remember, usually something from their childhood. Having the dom say "supercalifragilistic" is an obnoxious parody that exactly reverses the intent of it.
Why do you do this? ROLE PLAYING A lot of people don't do this. But if you want to play rape, then the rape victim needs to be able to say "NO" and pretty much anything else without stopping the action. But when a real problem develops (like say a flashback on when her father actually raped her but that she 'forgot' to tell the dominant about), the sub needs a way to stop the action. If you do non-consent roleplay, Rosebud is essential, particularly if you are playing for the first time.
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The last type is the dropped object. I use a cat toy with a bell inside. Why do I do this?
Because my sub can't always communicate.
The cat toy trick is for someone that is bound and gagged. If she develops an issue, there is no way for her to tell me. Yes, I will pay attention to her body, including her eyes, but guess what, some women like to close their eyes and it can take a minute for me to realize that she is not in sub space, but is in fact having problems. Better to know right away when she drops the cat toy. I am not a doctor, I can't tell the difference between sub-space and anything from low blood sugar, a heart attack, to a panic attack. If it takes me a minute to figure out something is wrong, that could be real damage. Even if it's not, it could simply turn a pleasant scene very unpleasant.
While many people will never have a medical emergency, almost everyone will have a bad scene some day. I have had a cat toy save a scene twice, preventing a bad bruise and a panic attack.
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End result: No, STOP, etc. are all safe words. The weirder ones (Red/Yellow/Green, Rosebud, cat toy) are for specific kinds of play. If you do that kind of play, you need them. If you are experienced, I'm not going to tell you what to do. But if you are a beginner, turned on by being bound and gagged you really should use the cat toy or similar thing. If you are a beginner who likes pain but not submission, Red/Yellow/Green makes a lot of sense. If you are a beginner roleplaying non-consenting sex, then the Rosebud is an essential safety tip that you should insist on.
If you don't do those types of play, you don't need them. You also have no business denigrating an essential safety tool for a kind of sex that you don't do. It's sort of like a lesbian telling a man "I can't believe you use a condom, how lame."
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