how to deal? (Full Version)

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subspaceinMD -> how to deal? (10/4/2005 10:52:23 AM)

Hello everyone! i have a problem that i could use a little help with. i met a Dom from this website and truly like Him and feel that with time we could have something very special together. i am pretty new to the BDSM relationship and was told that i am too clingy with Him, i have called Him more than i should, but feel that He is the only one that i can talk to about my feelings (my family and friends do not know my interests). i do not want to be pushy and in normal vanilla relationships i have never been the type to be insecure. i feel very strongly towards Him and although our relationship is relatively new feel i feel complete trust with and in Him. How do i back off? How do i stop being so clingy but still show my interest in Him? Is it within the scope of a D's relationship for me to call Him or do i have to exercise patience and restraint? i feel like this is my calling and am very eager to move forward... perhaps too eager. How do you all feel about this, and do you have any tips to help me? And isn't communication important, and if so is it just on His terms or should i have a say also? Thanks for any and all advice, i really do appreciate it!



plantlady64 -> RE: how to deal? (10/4/2005 11:01:05 AM)

Hello There,
From reading your post it seems to me like you feel you're calling him too much.
Maybe the answer is to wait for him to call you. In my experience the more you push the more a guy will hold back. The more you hold back and let him persue you the more he'll spend time with you as it's his choice and not something you're pushing him into.

If you'd still prefer to call him maybe you should call less.

It's OK to want to talk to him all day long & like to open up to him if you're comfortable with that. I'd recommend you also having other friends to confide your feelings and thoughts to. THis way you won't become a burden to your Master.
Sincerely,
sub suzanne



KatyLied -> RE: how to deal? (10/4/2005 11:07:47 AM)

That is good advice. Have you reached out to subs on the website? They can also be a good learning tool for you. I realize that you are eager to move forward with this, but you need to figure out where he is in all of this. He may be giving you some subtle signs, or he may not require the degree of closeness that you do.



subspaceinMD -> RE: how to deal? (10/4/2005 11:20:05 AM)

What happened was that we spent Friday night together. He said He had plans for Saturday and Sunday (didn't say when He would call) so i called Him late on Saturday night and He did not respond. i waited until Sunday evening and called Him again and still He did not respond. Then last night He was online so i IMed Him and He told me that i was being to pushy (which i do understand but really need someone to talk to about this) also He has not told me how He feels about me. i am realizing how it feels to be insecure probably for the first time in my life and i don't like feeling this way. If i could have Him just say to me "everything is good and I do like you" then i wouldn't worry so much. Does that happen in a D's relationship? Also when we first started talking i expressed that i felt i would need a lot of positive reinforcement as i was new and did not know how this would affect me, and He said that was fine and He understood. i feel like i am going crazy with this need to hear from Him or talk to Him. How do i go about about it without being devious or pushy?



EmeraldSlave2 -> RE: how to deal? (10/4/2005 11:57:00 AM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: subspaceinMD
If i could have Him just say to me "everything is good and I do like you" then i wouldn't worry so much.

So why don't you ask "so how are you feeling about things right now?"

Except he's already told you- he feels you're being too pushy. Yay for him for being HONEST, COMMUNICATIVE in a mature and productive way. You have no idea how many doms would put a guilt trip on you, just pull back or some other power trip instead.

Unfortunately, he's not giving you the same I need you, I want you, talk more more more to me! which YOU are feeling for HIM and thus makes you the vulnerable one here.

quote:

Does that happen in a D's relationship? Also when we first started talking i expressed that i felt i would need a lot of positive reinforcement as i was new and did not know how this would affect me, and He said that was fine and He understood. i feel like i am going crazy with this need to hear from Him or talk to Him. How do i go about about it without being devious or pushy?

You're new, you're in frenzy, you've wrapped all your feelings into this one person in a very short period of time and made him into something more than who he is.

It's ok, almost everyone does it first time out.

How do you do what? Hear and talk to him? Well you can either just accept that you will talk as you have been talking and learn patience (which is what I advise at this very early stage) or have some more talks about how you are feeling, frenzied and needy, and ask if you can have a regular set time to talk. That will help you focus your feelings without putting undue pressure on this guy.

I understand where you are coming from, it's all new, shiny, but scary. You want it all but are afraid it's going to come crashing down.

You're opening yourself too soon, too much, and too blindly here. Can you stop it? I think it would be unrealistic at this point to tell you to put the brakes on, but definitely hold your horses into a steadier gate. Get some perspective on this, let it grow.

As much as you need need need love love love want want want feel feel feel...it's going to be there tomorrow. There's NOTHING to gain in rushing, and everything to lose.

And keep yourself busy, go out with friends, go to the local meetings, have fun, show him that you are a stable happy secure mature adult....and that won't happen if you're being needy and clingy.




subspaceinMD -> RE: how to deal? (10/4/2005 12:10:05 PM)

Thanks for the great advice! i do understand that i need to back off and will do that (wait for him to call, or intiate contact) as i really do have true feelings for Him. When He does call (and hopefully He will), should i tell Him about my feelings or just keep them to myself for now? As far as this being new i have had two other situations where the Dom has not been right for me and didn't feel the connection that i feel with Him, it is shiny and new but also i am attracted to Him more than anyone in my life (no exageration), and just want things to go forward. Thanks for the reality check and my horse is back in the stable where she belongs. i will try to keep busy doing other things, and am going to a meeting hopefully tomorrow night so i will just be patient....



KatyLied -> RE: how to deal? (10/4/2005 12:27:32 PM)

Good girl. Slow down a bit. Being pushy is not the answer. Distract yourself from thinking about him (I know, easier said than done). He may be the be all and end all....or perhaps not. Only time will tell.

Good luck.



lustiwench -> RE: how to deal? (10/4/2005 12:46:54 PM)

Well, I will play the bad person here because I have to say... from what you have posted, it sounds like he got what he wanted and isn't interested in anything more. If he isn't showing any interest or very little interest, move on, don't wrap yourself up in him. Continue learning and meeting others, I wouldn't contact him again for any reason, you have let him know you are interested, if he returns the interest then he will contact you. Basically, the ball is in his court, if he doesn't contact you, well, if you have made the effort to get to know others, Doms and subs, then you won't have completely wasted your time.



EmeraldSlave2 -> RE: how to deal? (10/4/2005 1:04:00 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: subspaceinMD
Thanks for the great advice! i do understand that i need to back off and will do that (wait for him to call, or intiate contact) as i really do have true feelings for Him. When He does call (and hopefully He will), should i tell Him about my feelings or just keep them to myself for now?

FIRST I would make sure the mood is right for such a conversation. If it's not, then it's not.

THEN I would say sorry again for being pushy to open the subject door, and then ask if he has any suggestions or what he considers his ideal contact is.

Based on that, you can accept it and move on, accept it and say "sounds good, I know I'm feeling x, y, and z and I'm really glad you can give me feedback on this to help me," or, if it's a whacked out type of answer, ask questions appropriately.

Remember, he gets to decide what's comfortable for him, specially at this early stage. That's why they call this dating and getting to know people. I know how you FEEL about him, but good decisions come from good experiences. So whatever happens, don't make him feel bad for how he feels, just as he shouldn't make you feel bad about how you feel.

The discussion is about learning where everyone is and what sort of things you will DO so that everyone is happy.

quote:

that i feel with Him, it is shiny and new but also i am attracted to Him more than anyone in my life (no exageration), and just want things to go forward.

There's a reason it's called "sub frenzy" and not "sub dozing."

quote:


Thanks for the reality check and my horse is back in the stable where she belongs. i will try to keep busy doing other things, and am going to a meeting hopefully tomorrow night so i will just be patient....

I will try very hard to make it to the meeting tomorrow.



ropesubby39 -> RE: how to deal? (10/4/2005 1:55:02 PM)

Hi:

By what you explained, i would agree with what lustiwench said, he got what he wanted. Move on....... i know it isnt always easy (been there, done that, got the t-shirt).

Like i was told many times (patience is a virtue) [:)] Give yourself time.

Best of luck to you!


ropesubby



subspaceinMD -> RE: how to deal? (10/4/2005 2:33:53 PM)

Again i do appreciate the feedback. i would say based on our interactions thus far that He is interested in me (to what extent, i don't know), but i get the feeling that He likes me. i just have to adjust to not having the control in this relationship that i have had in past ones. i realize that whether or not i am with Him or alone this lifestyle, it is what makes me happy, and hopefully i will find someone to share in that happiness (be it Him or not). i will continue to keep myself busy (i should pick up a new hobby like sewing or something) and use this time to reflect and make myself a better person. i will also become more regular in my postings here, as i could use someone to talk to about my feelings and actions, so thanks again!!



KatyLied -> RE: how to deal? (10/4/2005 3:39:20 PM)

It's good to share your thoughts and feelings. You can also share them with yourself. By putting them on paper. You can start a journal, or just write with no intention of keeping it. I sometimes find that putting things in ink can help clear my head, especially when I feel conflicted or just have too many thoughts going on. I do not journal, I write and toss. But it sometimes helps just to put it out of my head. Just an idea.



ElektraUkM -> RE: how to deal? (10/5/2005 4:07:28 AM)

Hello there.

My opinion: Just treat the situation exactly as you would if you met a 'vanilla' person you like. Getting hung up on the 'protocol' at this stage in dating is only going to be counter-productive, make you unsure about yourself, and hamper honest, natural communication between the two of you.

He's not your dom (yet?), so don't fall into a trap of deferring to him before it's right, no matter how you feel about him! Just be yourself. If you really wanted to chat to him, and called him ~ so what? He'd given you his number, right? You did nothing 'wrong'... what seems to be 'wrong' is that he's just not that into this situation as much as you are. It's not that you have to 'control' yourself, or act 'submissive' or play games (pretending you're not interested). There seems to be a mis-match of interests here, and that's all.

If you're feeling stressed and wondering whether you're acting in the way he wants you to, or the way you should be acting... you're putting yourself in a vulnerable place that's just heading in completely the wrong direction. Just my opinion.

Anyway... good luck with it... and keep looking, socialising, and posting!

~ Elektra






littleone35 -> RE: how to deal? (10/5/2005 6:08:25 AM)

maybe he is not sure of how he is feeling a needs some thme to think about it> As for you you are doing the right thing just keep youself busy doing other things. I can tell you really like him but if he does not call or get in contact then move on ther is a Dom/ Domme out there for everine i do believe that.

littleone



tobius -> RE: how to deal? (10/5/2005 11:40:51 AM)

thanks ,i have learned something here myself.i guess it works both ways,i've been called pushy too !!!



brightspot -> RE: how to deal? (10/5/2005 12:07:15 PM)

quote:

from what you have posted, it sounds like he got what he wanted and isn't interested in anything more. If he isn't showing any interest or very little interest, move on, don't wrap yourself up in him. Continue learning and meeting others, I wouldn't contact him again for any reason, you have let him know you are interested, if he returns the interest then he will contact you. Basically, the ball is in his court, if he doesn't contact you, well, if you have made the effort to get to know others, Doms and subs, then you won't have completely wasted your time.


I agree with the above advice.
I would also like to add that someone accusing you of being to pushy,
doesn't return phone calls, may be a married individual have you taken that into consideration? Have you ever been to his home?
Yes, communication is very important, but obviously not as much to him, if these are your needs, since this is too new to be really serious yet, I would suggest as you wait you look at what else is out there, you might actually find someone who meshes with your needs better.

*Brightspot



subspaceinMD -> RE: how to deal? (10/5/2005 12:55:48 PM)

Ok just to update and let everyone know what happened. i didn't call Him yesterday or try to get in touch with Him at all. i happened to be on the computer at the same time he was this morning and IMed Him asking how He was doing, after we got that out of the way He told me that because of me being to pushy and the incident that happened he was no longer interested in me at all. i guess you were right when you guys stated that He got what He wanted. He also told me for future reference that Dom's do not like to be clinged to and that i should have let Him be the one to intitate all contact. i thanked Him for his advice told Him that i was sorry that i freaked out (The Friday night that we spent together, he came on my face, as i have never had that happen before, it did in fact freak me out a little) i also told him that was one of the reasons that i was "clingy". Anyway i guess it is all said and done now, i don't know what to do and i am not feeling very happy at this time. i guess i will take this as a lesson and go from there, and hopefully i will meet the "One" that is right for me. i have to learn more patience and thats something that i will work on. My question is "Are all Dom's really like that?" He knew that this experience was new for me, and he also knew that i would need some reassurance. Guess i expected to much to get it from Him.. Thank you all for your support, advice , and caring as i think i am going to need it on my journey:)



subspaceinMD -> RE: how to deal? (10/5/2005 12:59:13 PM)

Also sorry Brightspot....He is not married i did go to his house (i know it sounds bitchy, but i wonder why He is not married)....made me feel a little better for saying that LOL



EmeraldSlave2 -> RE: how to deal? (10/5/2005 1:01:15 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: subspaceinMD
He also told me for future reference that Dom's do not like to be clinged to and that i should have let Him be the one to intitate all contact.

For the record, obviously NO not all doms consider this the way to go.
I'm sorry about the one night stand thing.

quote:

(The Friday night that we spent together, he came on my face, as i have never had that happen before, it did in fact freak me out a little)

Regardless of anything else, this was rude and stupid of him. Cumming on someone's face can be a big deal and it's pretty rude to do it without even warning beforehand, let alone talking about it. If I had known about that alone beforehand, my answer would have shifted.

quote:

Anyway i guess it is all said and done now, i don't know what to do and i am not feeling very happy at this time.

Welcome to the disillusionment part of sub-frenzy.

quote:

My question is "Are all Dom's really like that?"

You already know the answer is no. It's hard feeling rejected and stupid and silly and coming out the far end...but trust me, its a very rare sub who didn't have to go through this at least once. I know I did!

quote:

He knew that this experience was new for me, and he also knew that i would need some reassurance. Guess i expected to much to get it from Him.. Thank you all for your support, advice , and caring as i think i am going to need it on my journey:)


You're doing great and I hope to see you tonight. I'll be wearing brown. Re-read my first response- don't let expectations build so fast so soon.



subspaceinMD -> RE: how to deal? (10/5/2005 1:06:14 PM)

i will be there tonight at 7 and i look forward to meeting you!



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