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Living with a Vanilla man - 4/2/2008 9:21:34 AM

Laurah2006

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Joined: 6/29/2006
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frist i want to say i love him so so much.. But i would like some help in making him more dom to me..Sure im not the frist with this

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RE: Living with a Vanilla man - 4/2/2008 10:25:09 AM

lally3

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i spose what you need to do is get him to read boards like this... it gives a good flavour of whats really going on. there are some very good internet sites, and im sure someone will come along and post some up for you.

im sure you know your man well enough to be sure that its something he would be into. another thing i spose is to find a local munch to you, make sure it isnt too 'lively' so that it doesnt scare the pants of him and just go along and chat. munches are generally very low key. but maybe thats after he's read around on the topic and has decided its for him.

is funny, but my ex reads over my shoulder on the pc sometimes. he's dommy definitely and ive noticed funny little changes in how he treats me now, its kind of verging on D/s, makes me smile. so maybe you could just be on here and wait until he comes over to see what youre doing.... you never know, its subtle and sneaky, but it might just work!

good luck with it anyway.

ps: informed consent lists munches

< Message edited by lally3 -- 4/2/2008 10:28:21 AM >

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RE: Living with a Vanilla man - 4/2/2008 10:25:21 AM

CelticPrince

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Laurah, if your in the lifestyle, then you understand that you need to talk with him re your needs.

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RE: Living with a Vanilla man - 4/2/2008 11:14:39 AM

akisha

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#1. You can not make him into a Dominant if he is not interested in it.
#2. Tell him what drives you and see if he has an interest himself in the same thing.
#3. Realize that even he is willing to try it out he may decide after a time that it is not what he wants or likes. Note: this could very likely cause you to resent the fact that he tried it at all. (again, learned that the hard way)
#4. You may at some point have to choose him or your submissive side, sometimes you can not have both together.( I am divorces and now in a compatible D/s relationship)

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RE: Living with a Vanilla man - 4/2/2008 12:04:18 PM

camille65

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Hi Laurah,There is simply no way you can force someone to become dominant. But you can introduce kink into the bedroom, and perhaps even have him learn how to become sexually dominant with you.It can scare a lot of people off so I suggest you start slowly. One of the best ways is to read and ask questions. Understand that it may take awhile, and it may not take at all. He may not be interested in any of it. Hopefully you both have a good basic grounding in communication, that is really important in a relationship kinky or non-kinky.Maybe try to offer yourself as a sex slave for the night and see what sort of things intrigue him?Or tell him you want to roleplay, and go from there. Good luck.

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RE: Living with a Vanilla man - 4/2/2008 12:05:45 PM

seeksfemslave

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Surely there is such a wide range to the meaning of the word Dom/me that basically even tho' you have asked the question nobody here knows for sure what you want.
So as already stated you have got to talk.
Wishing is not going to help is it ?

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RE: Living with a Vanilla man - 4/2/2008 12:28:59 PM

camille65

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/Hijack on/ Oooooooooh nifty pic seeks! /Hijack off/

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RE: Living with a Vanilla man - 4/2/2008 12:36:45 PM

seeksfemslave

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Lol Camille. I thought I would show my dangerous side. I had actually had a few drinks when I decided to post that pic. Seemed like a good idea at the time.

Larah:Something else occurs to me, its quite possible that Vanilla Man is thinking to himself I would just love to "fill in the blank " with Larah but maybe she would not like it if I did.
Then again he might want to experience the Tigress in you.
Communication is the only answer.

< Message edited by seeksfemslave -- 4/2/2008 12:40:11 PM >

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RE: Living with a Vanilla man - 4/2/2008 1:03:21 PM

ShadowKing

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From: West Richland, WA
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I can speak to this a little in my own life...

I started out in a relationship first, then we both discovered that we wanted more of the D/s in our interactions. My girlfriend actually saw the D in me before I realized that it was there.

At the very first, we both read "The Story of O". Because it is from the perspective of the sub, I was able to understand that Dominance is meaningful and desired by the sub. The power exchange that happens benefits both parties.

When we first started to explore this new side of our relationship, I needed a lot of reassurance that she was liking what I was doing to her. I grew up in a very old fashioned lifestyle, and the thought of abusing a woman was (and still is) very repulsive to me.

I had to believe that she wanted me to be forceful with her, wanted me to dominate her.
The way that she did this (in the beginning) was she would challenge me with things like "I can get away from you, because I am stronger than you!" "You won't make me do that!" "My ass is safe from you!"

The other thing that gave me freedom was a safeword. I can push her as hard as I am comfortable, and if she begins to feel violated, she can communicate that to me. The safeword protects the Dom as much as it protects the sub, because it gives him the freedom to push you even when he feels like he is on thin ice.

The key to ALL relationships is open communication and sharing. Talk about what happened, tell him how much you loved that he was strong with you. Tell him that you respect him when he demonstrates his strength. Show him that when he does take the baby steps that you notice and appreciate it.

It didn't take long for me to realize what was inside of me. I have come into my own, and she no longer needs to do any of the things that she did when we first started. But back then, those were the things that made it "safe" for me to exercise a little more power.

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RE: Living with a Vanilla man - 4/2/2008 1:43:48 PM

SteelofUtah

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Simple Answer?

Find out what he likes and just ALWAYS DO IT.

Surrender to him.

If that isn't going to be enough to you then well start making hints like sexually asking him to spank you, Or squeeze your breasts hard. Or during Sex ask him to talk dirty to you and them after he has done this ask him how he felt about it, and if he enjoyed any of it BRING HIM HERE and have him read a few thread on WHAT IS BDSM! Just put it in the Search Feature or ask LuckyAlbatros cause she is REALLY good at it.

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RE: Living with a Vanilla man - 4/2/2008 6:02:01 PM

RavenMuse

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This approach always makes Me chuckle.... "i want to make him a dominant".... if it isn't in him to start with the best you will manage is a service Top! And if it was in his nature... he'd already be DOING IT!

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RE: Living with a Vanilla man - 4/2/2008 11:20:21 PM

LadyPact

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No offense, Raven, but sometimes service top isn't a bad place to start.

Rather than "The Story of O", I'd probably suggest "When Someone You Love Is Kinky". It's a much more realistic approach.

To the OP, no, you're not the first with it, and I'm willing to bet you're not going to be the last. I'm reminded of a local munch that I went to last summer and met a gal very much in your position. It was her first munch and after discussing it with her husband, they had decided together that it was ok for her to go out and meet people. Long story short, they have both belonged to the group for some time now. Funny thing is, he's actually bottomed to Me so that he can learn more. They are still finding their way, but they love each other, and are great additions to our group.

My suggestions to you:

Talk to him.

Listen to his feelings on the subject.

Read together.

Possibly attend a local munch.

Think outside the box.

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RE: Living with a Vanilla man - 4/3/2008 2:59:20 AM

RavenMuse

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If you are a bottom rather than a submissive then a service top would be exactly the right place to start..... but a service top isn't a 'Dominant' which was what was being asked about.

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RE: Living with a Vanilla man - 4/3/2008 6:41:00 AM

Dnomyar

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I think that akisha put it best.

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RE: Living with a Vanilla man - 4/3/2008 9:14:39 AM

DesFIP

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If you really did love him then you wouldn't seek to change him. You would like him as is. Just as you have every right to want rough sex, he has every right to want gentle lovemaking.

I do suggest changing yourself from someone attempting to manipulate someone she claims to love into a person who owns her own responsibility and who opens communication on important topics.

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RE: Living with a Vanilla man - 4/3/2008 5:33:22 PM

Maya2001

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you may find that a BDSM site might be too much of a jump for him

maybe try this site http://www.takeninhand.com/taken.in.hand.in.a.nutshell

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RE: Living with a Vanilla man - 4/3/2008 10:40:45 PM

SailingBum

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Your not going to change him. Try as you might. Deal with it.

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RE: Living with a Vanilla man - 4/4/2008 7:36:52 PM

sirrobert132

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two good books for you to read
1. SM 101
2. the ethical slut

Some guys are straight vanilla and don't have a Dom bone in there body...
some women got into kink at a young age, then later in life decided to marry a vanillaa guy thinking they had got it out of there system... time goes by and they realize explainging kink is like trying to explain an orgasm to a virgin...

step 1 - he may think you have broken marriage vows
step 2 - serve him any way he wants..
step 3 show respect for him... he is no less a man because he is not a Dom
just as a woman is no less because hubby wants DD tits and wife is a AA..bra..
step 4 most guys enjoy a second woman in bed at your invitation
step 5 attend a swing club...
step 6 by this time you will know his kink/swing boundries
a friend has turned bi and her hubby caught her with her GF they offered a 3 some he refuesed...and dont know about her hook up with a Dom! so things are on ice...
she will not go back to vanilla and he is not interested in Kink ...so will he become a cuckold..? inquiring minds gotta know...
keep hubby sexually satisfied... plenty of multiple orgasms will make him feel good about himself.. and satisfy you some... so many women fake it ...he will be glad you respect him...

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RE: Living with a Vanilla man - 4/5/2008 2:51:39 AM

Justme696

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quote:

ORIGINAL: SteelofUtah

Surrender to him.

some people really dislike it when you are submissive to them. They think you are weak and not self supporting.
It might lead to the opposite effect.

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RE: Living with a Vanilla man - 4/7/2008 4:51:19 AM

littlesui

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I agree with those here who said you won't change him. I've been there and it just didn't work for us. My ex isn't and never has been dominant. He has no dominant fantasies - quite the opposite. In fact the very idea of BDSM for him was a major, major turn off. My ex is very straight laced and thinks people that participate in BDSM are marginally above paedophiles! For me, trying to introduce him to BDSM had completely negative outcomes. It was the final straw in an unfulfilling marraige...and he has used my interest and involvement in BDSM to assert that I am an 'unfit parent'.

If you are going to try, first base it on a realistic knowledge and understanding of who he is (rather than what you want him to be), go very, very slowly and cautiously - and be prepared to accept that it may not happen.

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