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FlamingRedhead -> RE: What is the difference? (4/2/2008 8:48:50 PM)
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What is the difference?
The difference is that women in general are no longer raised to believe that men are somehow superior and, therefore, entitled to get away with treating them like crap. My ex-mother-in-law who is in her early 70s told me stories about living with her in-laws when she first married. Her mother-in-law waited on her husband hand and foot without so much as a "please" or "thank you" and received beatings that were not for fun. No one would have dared to call the police and try to get them involved in "family matters." Luckily, my ex-father-in-law didn't follow his father's poor example and told his own sons that if he ever heard of them striking a women that he'd beat the shit out of them himself. Back then, women in rural areas weren't encouraged to finish school but instead to get married at 15-16 and have babies. They had no education, several children, usually no driver's license and nowhere to go. The difference is that those of us in the lifestyle choose to submit to someone we trust and respect because they trust and respect us.
After exploring what I was thinking could be for me, I am beginning to determine that a "dominant" guy is probably not what I am looking for. For one thing, I have yet to understand what the difference is between being a "dominant man" and being a great big baby! I mean, what else do you call someone who always has to have his way?
I'm curious as to why you thought a dominant man could be for you. Do you fantasize about big, strong, manly types like you read about in cheap romance novels, or are you just tired of the passivity of modern men who seem to be unable or unwilling to make a decision about anything? You sound a lot like me 2 years ago when I first looked into this, i.e. full of gross misconceptions. As in any relationship, including D/s, it shouldn't be about one person always getting what he/she wants or needs. Do some more research.
There is so much talk on here about how a man should be strong, and that the only way he can be strong is to dominate a woman, to have her under his power. Like in all the years and years before. But, with evolution, isn't it possible that now the strong men are the ones who don't need to have a woman under their control? That they can feel strong and manly with a woman who they feel is equal to them? And maybe the so-called dominant men are going the way of the neanderthal because in the overall scheme of time, nature has figured out that it doesn't work very well and is moving on.
If the only way a man can be strong is to dominate a woman, he is a poor specimen of a man indeed. As many different couples are out there, there are as many reasons for power exchange. Maybe he is or isn't the king of the corporate world but wants to at least be the king of his castle. Does that make him an ogre? Maybe she gets tired of being the queen of the PTO/career/soccer moms and finds comfort in not having to be in charge of every last freakin' thing. Does that make her weak? If it doesn't work that well, why are women spending millions on soft core porn at the grocery store and countless hours fantasizing about being taken, ravished, put in their place, etc?
I also think it is so self-serving of people on here who are always saying, "We are so much better than vanilla people. Vanilla people could NEVER understand the deepness that we feel in a D/s relationship..." I've always thought that was a load of crap. I know plenty of people in vanilla relationships who are very happy and have deep and fulfilling lives.
I have no problem with vanillas who are happy. The problem I have is seeing them not happy, and they don't even know why most of the time. My mother, sister and long time friend of almost 20 years are always fighting with their spouses. They constantly have a sarcastic retort on their lips and can hardly seem to carry on a pleasant conversation with their husbands. The men either ignore them or snarl right back. Neither tactic seems to work. The fact of the matter is that all 3 women have to have their way, always, and now are dissatisfied, although they've gotten what they wanted. They complain that men are stupid and if not for them (women) the world would fall apart. The sad thing is I was once like them. I'm divorced from a man who couldn't or wouldn't stand up to me or stand up beside me.
I'm reminded of a quote by Marlene Dietrich. "To be completely woman, you need a master, and in him, a compass for your life. You need a man you can look up to and respect. If you dethrone him, it is no wonder that you are discontented, and discontented women are not loved for long."
I know that I will have lots of fuming people wanting to tell me where I can go. But I am actually looking for well-thought-out, rational answers.
Thank you for your time.
You're welcome. I hope I answered your questions intelligently enough. Of course, these are my opinions and do not take into account the dynamics of mistresses and male subs since you were asking about M/f D/s.
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