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RE: Making Changes - 4/7/2008 4:44:13 AM

StormsSlave

Posts: 629
Joined: 2/6/2008
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quote:

ORIGINAL: littlebitxxx

Now I have a question. Why would someone want to change the person they fell in love/like with? You were attracted for a reason, why would you want to change that? And why would you fall for someone who wanted to change who you are? Of course, compromise and adjustments are required for any healthy relationship but outright changes? And I don't agree with ownedgirlie that someone would "just settle" for someone else and like them "just the way they are". I don't call it settling for anything. I wanted it all, I wouldn't "just settle". I waited and he found me. I love him just the way he is because "the way he is" is what I wanted. No changes necessary.

I agree with you, and we share this opinion as a couple. I was trying to avoid going into this, and instead just answering the questions asked, but since it's been said...

One of the joys of this relationship between My Lord and myself is that we let each other be who we are. I have always fallen into relationships where I am expected to adjust wants/needs/behaviors/attitudes...sometimes, my very methods of speech just to satisfy another person. That hasn't happened here. My Lord loves me, this person, the one I am right now, not the person he can hopefully make me into if he just tries hard enough and if I would just be willing enough. I wouldn't dream of trying to change him, and if I did, it would be like teaching a pig to sing, anyway. (Annoys the pig, wastes my time.) Instead, I let him be who he is, and love that person. If I stop loving him as is, and try to make someone new...well, that would be a new relationship starting all over. Who knows if I would be happy with that person?

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(in reply to littlebitxxx)

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Post #: 21

RE: Making Changes - 4/7/2008 4:48:42 AM

TreasureKY

Posts: 3032
Joined: 4/10/2007
From: Kentucky
Status: offline

Please don't mistake the intent behind my words, ownedgirlie... it wasn't to be smug or disparage others choices. To be honest, it was just what Firm said to me when I brought the subject up to him and reflected our own personal relationship.

I am, however, very much a proponent of compatibility when seeking a mate. I've seen too many hearts broken by those who go into a relationship with the idea of changing the other, and quite frankly, it rarely, if ever, works. The idea that you cannot change others, only yourself, is one that I firmly believe in.

That is not to say that change cannot be happen nor that it cannot be advocated, just that the most effective motivation and effort comes from within the person making the change. In a prior thread I made the following comment...

What I consider to be a significant part of my growing up was learning that I cannot change someone else... only myself or where I fit into a particular situation. As far as I'm concerned, nothing spells doom to a relationship faster than going into it with the desire and intent to change the person you are with. And I believe that goes both ways... it is no more healthy for the dominant to have plans to change his sub anymore than a submissive to try to change her dom.

I'm a huge proponent of finding a compatible partner.

That being said, because of my strong desire to please him, if there is something in my behavior that I become aware of that irritates FirmhandKY or if there is some positive growth for me that would make him happy, I am more than willing to try to do so.

I would also never dream of trying to coerce or cajole FirmhandKY into changing any part of himself just to suit me, however I try not to facilitate any behavior that doesn't serve him or our relationship well, and I would expect no less from him.

I do think there is a difference between accepting flaws and embracing them.

What I would do is encourage and do all that I can to enable changes that would be beneficial for him and us, but in the end, it would be up to him and I would love him just the same.

Which is why in my comment above I did say that Firm influences me. How I feel about him, his desires, and his happiness holds great sway with me... probably more so than he even knows. There are areas where he has actively encouraged me to grow, and areas where his mere presence in my life has caused me to desire change. But these are not fundamental changes to who I am. They are not ultimatums... changes being required of me in order to continue our relationship. They do not affect his acceptance of or affection for me.

As I said, he likes me just fine the way I am.

With regard to my moving to be closer to him, it was merely to illustrate a different kind of change that can be influenced... not a physical trait or a behavior pattern.

Please also understand that my comments relate to the type of relationship that Firm and I have. I realize that not all here are looking for a mate and lifelong companion, and that there are types of D/s relationships that can and do step outside of what would be considered typical for male/female partnerships.

(in reply to ownedgirlie)

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Post #: 22

RE: Making Changes - 4/7/2008 7:29:22 AM

LaTigresse

Posts: 26123
Joined: 1/15/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: trueshadow
Perhaps Dommes are less inclined to make difficult requests as well.

Don't count on it...

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Just because you are well educated, articulate, and can use big, fancy words, properly........does not mean you are right!

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Post #: 23

RE: Making Changes - 4/7/2008 7:48:36 AM

ownedgirlie

Posts: 9184
Joined: 2/5/2006
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quote:

ORIGINAL: TreasureKY

Please don't mistake the intent behind my words, ownedgirlie...

I understand, Treasure. It's a thought that comes to me every time I see those words, so I decided to write about that thought last night. As I said in my post, I wasn't pointing you out personally, and while I wondered about people's intention behind those words, I made no conclusions.

And I do feel differently than others - I am glad he didn't like me just the way I was else he wouldn't have pushed and inspired me to grow and I wouldn't feel about myself the way I do now.

For what it's worth, I have been in a relationship (a very long marriage, actually), in which I was loved for my potential and not for the person that I was. So I agree with the sentiment about leaving one's core in tact and not trying to change it. But I do support the concept of a Master molding his/her slave to be the best he/she can be.

Thank you for replying to my post and clarifying.

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(in reply to TreasureKY)

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Post #: 24