RE: contact restriction- (Full Version)

All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> Ask a Master



Message

CalifChick -> RE: contact restriction- (4/6/2008 10:40:32 AM)

So what was the test? You asked for permission to go, he gave it, you went.  Was there more? 

Personally, I think tests are for children. I don't want someone "testing" me in our relationship. You trust me or you don't, end of story.

Cali



KatyLied -> RE: contact restriction- (4/6/2008 10:41:05 AM)

quote:

it really screwed my brains.


That may be part of the plan, especially if a sadist is involved.



littlesui -> RE: contact restriction- (4/6/2008 11:54:17 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: TreasureKY

I'm sure others will disagree, but I see this kind of "punishment" as destructive.  What little I've experienced only eroded trust and damaged the relationship.  The way I see it, a relationship requires relating and if you can't interact, why bother?


I agree - communication is THE most important thing in a relationship



DesFIP -> RE: contact restriction- (4/6/2008 12:53:02 PM)

It's a technique that is bound to backfire. You now know he doesn't believe you, he isn't interested in hearing the truth, he already knew that you suffer from depression and doesn't care that he's making it worse. And this is suppose to inspire you to trust him? How exactly is this going to work?

I'm not sure you're the one who'll be taught the lesson by this, but he will because you can't trust him not to abandon you and you will have to separate yourself from him in order to protect yourself. After all, he's already shown you he doesn't want to be there for you when it counts, when things are rough. He's proved himself only interested in the rights and not the responsibilities. He can say that he won't do it in the future but how could you believe him when you have the proof now?



LuckyAlbatross -> RE: contact restriction- (4/6/2008 2:56:11 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: slavejale
Anyways so i asked him if i could go out last Saturday night. He says yes, and i go.  Unfortunately for me, it was a test and well, i failed. so He did not speak to me for a week...and since i am used to talking to Him every day even if we do not see each other, it kind of sent me in a frenzy.

i texted Him and texted Him but no response, until i saw Him yesterday and He explained everything to me. was i mad, HELL YES, did i have a right to be mad, well sort of kind of not. *chuckles*. i do not like tests, they are evil. lol.

well wishes to All and all.

It was a test?  Sounds more like petulant spoiled bully...although that IS how most people use the concept "test" in relationships so perhaps you're spot on.

Good luck with things.



MadameXTC -> RE: contact restriction- (4/6/2008 3:46:31 PM)

Well.. an update from the email I sent Him. He responded back after I emailed Him about all the emotions and issues I was feeling inside. I am one who has no problem telling someone how I feel if I start to feel really bad. My Dominant decided that if I wanted out of my punishment for a week with contact restriction I had to find an alternative that he agreed with. So as off 8 pm tonight I am no longer on contact restriction and I will be allowed to make my nightly phone calls to talk with him. * whoo hooo* on the down side..... the punishment I settled for was a piercing. One of the only things that he wanted done that I could do in his absence. so... Friday I have to get pierced .. life goes on and I am happy again, until the pain settles in from the piercing. I do plan on still talking to Him about my feelinsg about contact restriction and the strain emotionally that it puts on our relationship. I think it was just as hard for Him to not have contact with me as it was for myself. I think for people who have read this thread there was mixed emotions about the situation of putting a submissive through contact restriction. But how do you find an alternative to punishing someone who is 800 miles away? There are not alot of options. My Dominant does care about my depression and he knows that I struggle with it and that was brought up as well. I do not like to take depression medication but he suggested that I should keep up with the medication to help me through the stress that I am going through at the moment. We will see.. I really need to talk to him more about that subject. I think the benefits of this time during my punishment was the fact that we can focus on our need for stronger communication then we currently have. So I am doing the happy dance and I have everyone here to thank for helping me through this.. Thank God it wasn't the whole week and only three days. These have been the roughest three days in the history of our relationship..



kallisto -> RE: contact restriction- (4/6/2008 5:45:14 PM)

I'm glad you feel that this was resolved for both of you.    I just want to make a few comments, if I may.   I've been on contact restriction before and yes, I thought it would kill me.  It was for 5 days.   I don't know how many times I almost broke it and tried to contact Him.   But I didn't.   I didn't do it for a couple of reasons.  1.  I wanted to obey Him.   2.  I needed to prove to myself that I could do it.  At the time, the internet was not like it is now, so there was no email and im.    But the phone calls .. I missed the phone calls.   So instead, I did as I agreed with others, I wrote Him.  I started out writing my feelings and I was hurt and po'd all the same time.   But by the 3rd day, I was writing Him everything I would have been telling Him on the phone.    I was young and insecure and needed to find out for myself that He took care of me even when He physically wasn't with me.  He saw that I needed to find security with Him and that was the way He chose to do it.     He was so taken with the letters I had written.   It was milestone - one that I needed to be pushed to reach. 



CalifChick -> RE: contact restriction- (4/6/2008 5:52:19 PM)

Perhaps your piercer offers a frequent piercing card - you know, buy 3 get 1 free? Volume discounts? I see alot of piercings in your future.

Cali



KatyLied -> RE: contact restriction- (4/6/2008 5:57:57 PM)

quote:

My Dominant decided that if I wanted out of my punishment for a week with contact restriction I had to find an alternative that he agreed with.


Maybe the next time you go through with this you can find a way to process it and be stronger and follow through with what he wants.  And then you won't have to trade punishments (a scenario I just do not understand).



Daddyslilpookie -> RE: contact restriction- (4/6/2008 6:18:33 PM)

Hello I think this is very destructive for your depression botomline. I have depression as well and take meds for it. I have shown my Master this thread and he thinks it is just terrible, he knows if he ever did anything like this I would go crazy. Does your master know about your depression? If not I would tell him immediately and if he does know well he is a schmuck no offense. A Master is suppose to put your well being in front of his own. You are his property and he is supposed to take care of you and treat you like his prized possesion. This doesn't sound like your Master is doing his job right just my 2 cents. I feel for you and I wish you the bestest luck.



LuckyAlbatross -> RE: contact restriction- (4/6/2008 6:42:31 PM)

Punishments are intended to correct a specific behavior and make that behavior less likely to repeat itself in the future.

First off, somehow your dom thought a week without any contact whatsoever would lead to the result of X behavior not repeating itself in the future.

Actual result:  You freaking out, feeling insecure, breaking that agreement to punishment and told to choose another punishment

Then you choose to be pierced and this will somehow lead to X behavior not repeating itself as well as if not MORE effectively than the week of no contact.

And if neither of you can think of anything else you can do which is "punishment" other than silence or piercing, I think neither of you are ready for anything like the commitment you claim to want with eachother. 

Exactly what behavioral methods did he attempt before punishment?  Exactly what goals of behavior does he have for you?  Exactly how does he define punishment at all?



Gemini1766 -> RE: contact restriction- (4/6/2008 6:55:27 PM)

LA, you hit that one on the head.

Punishment must be effective. The first one was not effective at all. The second one, what kind of punishment is that?
Punishments to redirect a behavior must fit the problem and must be productive and move you towards resolving the problem.

I would have had you start writing a journal about those things you were having difficulty discussing, and then nightly having you read to me from the journal. If you got to where you ran out of issues, I'd make you start from the begining adding more detail. I'd drag more and more out of you over time until it was no longer a problem and you learned to trust that you could talk to me about such things in an open and honest manner.

I want my sub to feel that she can trust me with her problems, because her problems ultimately affect the dynamic.



nwcutie102 -> RE: contact restriction- (4/6/2008 7:18:39 PM)

i think it is emotionally hurtful, damaging to the relationship. creates trust issues. i would not like it at all and would pull away... distance my emotional connection. my heart and mind lead the way for my body, thus i would also feel sexually disconnected also.



slavejale -> RE: contact restriction- (4/6/2008 7:33:15 PM)

Greetintgs to All and all

well first, i would like to say hopefully things are well with you MadameXTC and hope things go well.

as for me, it was like, we havent seen each other in a while and i should have been with Him and not going out to party etc. etc.  So He told me yes but He wanted me to "be smart" so to speak. Problem is, i take everything as it is said, He said  yes and i went. If i ask you a question and you give me an answer, i am not going to question it too much unless i feel that the answer is harmful in someway. (i hope you all understand that). So He told me yes and i went.  This past Saturday night (4/5) we met and when He told me what happened, why He hadnt spoken to me i asked Him if i could speak freely about the situation, when He told me yes i explained to Him that when He said yes i took it as yes.

He said from now on, He is going to be clearer with His intentions, because i AM a  person that takes what you say and holds you to it whether Dom/sub indifferent.

Hopefully that gave some light to the "test" situation.  However, from now on, i will think better when given an answer to a question i ask.


well wishes to All and all



MadameXTC -> RE: contact restriction- (4/6/2008 7:42:06 PM)

 I think a person has to open up the option to change a punishment if the punishment is starting to harm a submissive. The same idea that a person should stop flogging a submissive when skin damage is starting to occur. There is a difference between being cruel and being punishing. I cannot speak for everyone and each individual situation is different. It is hard to have people understand that even depression is different for everyone. The depression that I feel is not necessarily the same level of depression as others feel. Depression like pain is pretty subjective. When I get depressed I go through so many emotions, but it has never fully affected my ability to do daily tasks. Maybe I should say that depression only is a problem for me when something negative happens. I don't want to avid people, I just get that whole crying irritable, sad feeling, but I go on with life in the same aspect. I just enjoy being cuddled and told that everything will be okay. Most women and some men get these moods.. it happens.. anyways with piercing as a punishment.. it punishes me and at the same time it satisfies the idea that I am willing to do something I normally would not do to please Him. so its like sucking up and punishing at the same time.  I enjoy reading everyones feedback and appreciate everyones thoughts on the subject and ideas to better the situation in the future. I think that we are ready for the relationship that we are involved in and have been involved in for a long time. Neither one of us is new to BDSM relationships and like vanilla relationships each moment is a learning experience. We learn and we grow from the things that take place in our interactions with each other and we overcome and adapt to what works and what does not. Thanks for all of the kind words.. :)



LuckyAlbatross -> RE: contact restriction- (4/6/2008 8:14:54 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: slavejale
we havent seen each other in a while and i should have been with Him and not going out to party etc. etc.

You should have been because he had taught you before how he expected you to prioritize things and you forgot them?

quote:

  So He told me yes but He wanted me to "be smart" so to speak. Problem is, i take everything as it is said, He said  yes and i went. If i ask you a question and you give me an answer, i am not going to question it too much unless i feel that the answer is harmful in someway. (i hope you all understand that). So He told me yes and i went.  This past Saturday night (4/5) we met and when He told me what happened, why He hadnt spoken to me i asked Him if i could speak freely about the situation, when He told me yes i explained to Him that when He said yes i took it as yes.

He said from now on, He is going to be clearer with His intentions, because i AM a  person that takes what you say and holds you to it whether Dom/sub indifferent.

Hopefully that gave some light to the "test" situation.  However, from now on, i will think better when given an answer to a question i ask.

well wishes to All and all

Hopefully he has learned his lesson not to assume what he has not taught and not to punish without merit- he intentionally withheld information from you and then punished YOU for the result in which he gave full permission.



LuckyAlbatross -> RE: contact restriction- (4/6/2008 8:16:25 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: MadameXTC
I think that we are ready for the relationship that we are involved in and have been involved in for a long time. Neither one of us is new to BDSM relationships and like vanilla relationships each moment is a learning experience. We learn and we grow from the things that take place in our interactions with each other and we overcome and adapt to what works and what does not. Thanks for all of the kind words.. :)

So exactly what behavior is he attempting to correct and lessen in the future and exactly how is piercing yourself the best and most effective way to ensure this behavior does not repeat itself?



CalifChick -> RE: contact restriction- (4/7/2008 12:04:17 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: slavejale
we havent seen each other in a while and i should have been with Him and not going out to party etc. etc.  So He told me yes but He wanted me to "be smart" so to speak.


I just found a new hard limit - mind reading. If I ask a question, and receive an answer, I will not decide that he didn't really mean it and I'm supposed to read his mind to figure that out.  Furthermore, I will not be deciding that in some way I know better than the answer provided, although there may certainly be some discussion regarding the answer, if it is appropriate.

Rather than mind reading, I would hope that he would, perhaps gently, point out the error of my thinking when I asked the question, not later after I had acted on his answer. 

You might want to do a search on "passive-aggressive behavior", as we just discussed this very recently.  By the way, I'm talking about your Dominant's behavior, not yours.

(hijack over)

Cali



Dnomyar -> RE: contact restriction- (4/7/2008 4:54:21 AM)

Cali now you know what we men go thru trying to read womens minds. As far as the Op goes the moderator would throw me off if I offered my point of view on your problem. Your relationship is headed for a crash landing.



Gemini1766 -> RE: contact restriction- (4/7/2008 6:44:40 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Dnomyar

Cali now you know what we men go thru trying to read womens minds. As far as the Op goes the moderator would throw me off if I offered my point of view on your problem. Your relationship is headed for a crash landing.
I agree Dnomyar, it's very plain from the OP's own post. He has hurt their relationship in a huge way. Oh well, life goes on.



Page: <<   < prev  1 [2] 3   next >   >>

Valid CSS!




Collarchat.com © 2025
Terms of Service Privacy Policy Spam Policy
0.046875