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RE: contact restriction- - 4/7/2008 8:14:55 AM

amuzingtoyou

Posts: 144
Joined: 6/27/2006
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I have never fully understood the concept of punishment. First of all, we are adults. There are many ways to change someones behaviour without punishment. Just like children, most people learn better with positive reinforcement then negative. Most submissives want to please their domiant. So what I hear time and time again, is the dominant simply saying " I am disappointed in you" is uusually enough to make that submissive feel horrible and not likely to make the same mistake. Withdrawing contact is in my opinion the worst thing someone could do. It makes the submissive feel abandoned. How can she feel like she can be open with him, if when she does tell him things, he leaves her. As for the piercing, i don't see how this is an effective punishment. Im sorry, but I just don't get it. What is the purpose here?

(in reply to MadameXTC)

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RE: contact restriction- - 4/7/2008 10:21:09 AM

MadameXTC

Posts: 96
Joined: 9/30/2004
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If our relationship was not as strong as it was before this incident occured then yes it may have hurt the relationship greatly. I think the only people who can judge the relationship are the people involved in that relationship. The origional post has brought alot of good ideas and things that can help in the future. Alot was learned from reading other people's viewpoints on the subject and I appreciate every thought and comment that was made... but at the same time I think several people jumped the gun on conclusions that our relationship is ruined based on a few posts that they have read looking into a short time into two peoples lives. The human mind is very hard to understand and when we look at BDSM relationships as with any relationship people interact differently to each others actions. What may appear to harm one persons relationship, could possibly strengthen it instead in the fact that people learn and grow from the things that happen. Some of the posts that I have read come across as people think that my Dominant does not care about my feelings and that my best interest is not his interest. The relationship that my Dominant and I have with each other is a very understanding one. People never look at the whole picture only the picture that they see at a certain time frame. I suppose I should not make any more posts asking for support or advice if people judge a relationship solely on what little information they are given and do not think that there is a bigger picture perhaps.. again thanks for the awesome support from those who have offered it, the wonderfull ideas from those that offered them. take care

(in reply to Gemini1766)

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Post #: 42

RE: contact restriction- - 4/7/2008 11:11:39 AM

tsatske

Posts: 2037
Joined: 3/9/2007
From: Louisville, KY
Status: offline

This whole thread brings up more things that I can deal with without my head exploding.
I recently started a thread asking others who use a 'punishment dynamic', what punishments, for them or theirs, are the 'nuclear bombs'. No contact is the classic, it is that type of punishment for most. But people may have other, very personal ones, as well.
Yes, my Master has used 'nuclear bombs' on me. But I trust Him. Such punishments are rare, and always on issues with which I have no problem agreeing not only that i deserve punishment, but that this, a 'nuclear bomb', is warranted. Not that he asks my approval, just that he saves it for issues that are so severe that i can not disagree with him.
my example was, the only time i have been order to go without contacting him - for a night, mind you, for 10 or 12 long hours in which, ideally, i would be sleeping through most of them, though it does make peaceful sleeping difficult - it was for failing to take care of my medication.
it is not for me to question which things are 'serious' enough to use such a punishment for, but in my heart i feel i can list a couple it is NOT for: for a whim, because he needs time alone. March Madness is not 96 continuos hours. surely he could tell you what hours to let him be during, or call you, or let you email him so he could answer at his convenience?
for believing what you are told. if i ask you if something is okay, and you say it is, and then punish me for doing it, i call that a lie. and that is not okay with me. i have the right to be answered truthfully. if i ask you if you like corn, and you say, 'oh, yes, it is my favorite vegetable!' and then i serve it for dinner, and you punish me, because i should know that a good slave would never serve corn - that is not okay with me. at all.

i was thinking about the possibility that a Master could need time alone. a few times a year i go on retreat. at other times i take microretraats - a day at the zoo or the pool or the park or the mall, with no expectations. what if Master needed a retreat? honestly, i think if Master wanted to be out of communication, even with me, for his own needs, i believe he would think of my needs and set up other outlets for me - remind me to journal, for instance, and leave me a list to accomplish, or tell me to meet some particular friend of our for lunch, ect; to make sure my needs were met while he was away meeting his. That is what Masters do - in my world. i do understand that everyone's dynamic is different, and if it works for you, good for you.
metamorpha, it is worth mentioning to you that, with your profile hidden, there is no way to write you. which further limits your contacts at a time when you may feel you very much need them. But, you asked XTC to write you, and i am just pointing out that she can not.

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“If you never did you should. These things are fun and fun is good”
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(in reply to Gemini1766)

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Post #: 43

RE: contact restriction- - 4/7/2008 11:17:02 AM

CalifChick

Posts: 10717
Joined: 10/28/2007
From: California
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: MadameXTC
Some of the posts that I have read come across as people think that my Dominant does not care about my feelings and that my best interest is not his interest. The relationship that my Dominant and I have with each other is a very understanding one.

He told you that you lied to him, you said you didn't lie, he said no contact for a week. Doesn't sound real understanding. But if that's what you call understanding, and it works for you, then fine. But did it work for you? Or did you come here upset that he wouldn't let you contact him for a week?

quote:

People never look at the whole picture only the picture that they see at a certain time frame.

We can only go on what you tell us.

Cali

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AKA "The Undisputed Goddess of Sarcasm", "Big Bad Cali" and "Yum Bum". Advisor to the Subbie Mafia, founding member of the W.A.C. and the Judgmental Bitches Brigade, member of the Clan of the Scarlet O'Hair-a's and Team Troll

(in reply to MadameXTC)

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Post #: 44

RE: contact restriction- - 4/7/2008 11:48:03 AM

Madame4a

Posts: 2045
Joined: 2/4/2008
From: Washington, DC area
Status: offline

I have to agree with what Cali said here...

that said, I don't use this as punishment, in fact, if I have to punish someone I'm likely to lose interest in a relationship. I would rather talk something through, see my part in it, see if it can be fixed and move on.

No contact would indicate to me, IF I USED IT, that I wanted no contact with someone and that would likely mean I didn't have an interest in the relationship. I would have to question why I was doing it and why would I go further.

That's me -- everyone is different. Its just not my thing. I think it breeds insecurity and I don't think it would serve a purpose in my relationships.

(in reply to CalifChick)

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RE: contact restriction- - 4/7/2008 3:38:29 PM

slavejale

Posts: 174
Joined: 9/22/2007
Status: offline

Greetings to All and all

in my opinion, i believe that the "no contact" thing is a fine way to reinforce some things. as someone said up above, it makes you feel kind of like "damn" or have a horrible feeling like being left alone or something. when it happened to me i asked myself, do i want to feel like that? nope. so what did i do, next time i thought about my actions and responses. the punishment helped my behavior actually because i never want to experience that again. however, i am human and i do not see myself being perfect, so i might slip again, lets just hope i do not.

(edited to add: well wishes to All and all)

< Message edited by slavejale -- 4/7/2008 3:39:07 PM >

(in reply to Madame4a)

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Post #: 46