how much is too much too soon? (Full Version)

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velvetluxe -> how much is too much too soon? (4/7/2008 2:46:17 AM)

I realise the majority of submissives/slaves feel this, referred to by others on here as 'sub frenzy' [:D], but as a Dom/Master, what do you think of a submissive that becomes attached to you rather quickly? Perhaps it is the very nature of submitting to a partner who you hope will eventually be your Dom/Master, as most subs/slaves I have spoken to tend to become quite consumed rather quickly in comparison to the amount of time it takes their Dom to form an attachment of equal measure. Or is it that as a Dom you prefer to play your cards closer to your chest, until certain of your sub's true feelings?



Dnomyar -> RE: how much is too much too soon? (4/7/2008 4:40:51 AM)

Good question. I would like to see the women answer this. It sees that most women want to move to fast into a relationship compared to a man. With male subs I would call it desperation.



Lashra -> RE: how much is too much too soon? (4/7/2008 4:43:43 AM)

I am a slow mover, in fact I didn't give my current sub my phone number until I had known him for six months, then I waited another year to meet him. I don't believe in rushing into things because if they are meant to be then they will be, no matter how long it takes.

As a Domme I don't care for subs who snag onto me quickly, I think relationships take time to evolve and rushing into them can be a bad sign.

Just my two cents,
~Lashra



DesFIP -> RE: how much is too much too soon? (4/7/2008 5:00:01 AM)

The Man moved faster than I did. He says he knew from the beginning that I was the right one for him. It took me a little longer.



TreasureKY -> RE: how much is too much too soon? (4/7/2008 5:47:38 AM)

I think it depends entirely upon the people involved.  



slaveluci -> RE: how much is too much too soon? (4/7/2008 5:55:18 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Dnomyar

Good question. I would like to see the women answer this. It sees that most women want to move to fast into a relationship compared to a man. With male subs I would call it desperation.

I would call it desperation with females as well.  Personally, I find the term "frenzy" mindless and insulting.  I have never been so desperate and needy for anything that I went into a "frenzy".  Well, with the possible exception of the years I was a junkie and even then I wouldn't characterize it as a "frenzy."  "Frenzy" implies that one is so out of control they've lost their ability to reason or make rational choices.  Not a state I ever found myself in as a sub or slave.  Not only does it sound desperate, it sounds dumb.  If others want it to sound like they've lost all ability to think or exhibit control or common sense, that's cool.  Just not something I'd want to experience or brag about..............luci



vinylsubmission -> RE: how much is too much too soon? (4/7/2008 6:08:48 AM)

Interesting question. I am sort of going through this, I recently have started a relationship and we are both very much on the same page to the point where it made both of us a little wary at the beginning. We are quickly and easily falling into the dynamic and the trust is there so I can already start to push him.

I think when you know you know and your body and mind just go with it. So I think it just depends on the people invilved and their level of trust and comfort and the pace should always be at the speed of the person most cautious.

It seems to be for most people, they don't want to be alone and I think it is especially harder to find a compatible D/s match so when a sub or Dom/me finds someone that seems good, it is easy to 'latch on' as more of then than not they have been without for some time.



LadyRainfire -> RE: how much is too much too soon? (4/7/2008 6:20:01 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: DesFIP

The Man moved faster than I did. He says he knew from the beginning that I was the right one for him. It took me a little longer.


He knew before I did how things would go because I refused to acknowledge my feelings and avoided them. I didn't want to get hurt but was able to open up with his help and guidance. I think "too soon" is dependant on the people involved. What's soon for others might be just right for others.

Frenzy might be right at times but any relationship has a honeymoon period where the intensity can be higher. Does it lessen the feelings involved? Not necessarily. The test comes in the length of time - will it last? Are the people committed to each other? Is there open communications to help? Without any of that, it won't work, no matter how long you know them.



lally3 -> RE: how much is too much too soon? (4/7/2008 6:24:51 AM)

possibly its because on the internet its all to do with 'follow the leader'.. by that i mean - up to a point for a submissive to present herself as a viable proposition she needs to submit a little bit in order for the dominant to get a feeling for her ability to do so.

so a small on-line request, like a certain bed time, lets say, possibly has more of a psychological effect on the submissive than the dominant.  the dominant can feel gratified that the sub has gone to bed at the specified time but for the submissive its more than just going to bed when asked, theres a whole 'thing' going on there.

speaking for myself, even when submission is given in small gestures the impact is huge, there is ritual and thought processes and a whole spectrum of needs fulfilled that come into play simply by doing a requested thing that possibly does not have the same impact on a dominant because they are not 'living' that moment in quite the same way.

conversely, if the sub is failing to achieve a thing, like at the moment im supposed to be booking a flight and should have done it by now, there is the whole, living with the frustration of not getting down to it, because i couldnt find my passport, i cant get the on-line booking form to work and the telephone number ive been given for ryanair isnt working - im living with this in a much bigger way than He is.  Infact, apart from pointing out to me that it will cost me heaps more if i leave it to the last minute, He's probably enjoying a coffee in his favourite cafe as i write this, reflecting on the gig He played in last night.  [sm=smile.gif]
[sm=pineapple.gif]





velvetluxe -> RE: how much is too much too soon? (4/7/2008 6:28:19 AM)

vinylsubmission, I agree with the statement regarding it being harder to find someone you're compatible with in D/s. Obviously any relationship is hard but I think the polar extremes of bdsm makes it harder to find a partner whom you're compatible with on both a personality/emotional level and physical/sexual level.



velvetluxe -> RE: how much is too much too soon? (4/7/2008 6:30:53 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: lally3

possibly its because on the internet its all to do with 'follow the leader'.. by that i mean - up to a point for a submissive to present herself as a viable proposition she needs to submit a little bit in order for the dominant to get a feeling for her ability to do so.

so a small on-line request, like a certain bed time, lets say, possibly has more of a psychological effect on the submissive than the dominant.  the dominant can feel gratified that the sub has gone to bed at the specified time but for the submissive its more than just going to bed when asked, theres a whole 'thing' going on there.

speaking for myself, even when submission is given in small gestures the impact is huge, there is ritual and thought processes and a whole spectrum of needs fulfilled that come into play simply by doing a requested thing that possibly does not have the same impact on a dominant because they are not 'living' that moment in quite the same way.

conversely, if the sub is failing to achieve a thing, like at the moment im supposed to be booking a flight and should have done it by now, there is the whole, living with the frustration of not getting down to it, because i couldnt find my passport, i cant get the on-line booking form to work and the telephone number ive been given for ryanair isnt working - im living with this in a much bigger way than He is.  Infact, apart from pointing out to me that it will cost me heaps more if i leave it to the last minute, He's probably enjoying a coffee in his favourite cafe as i write this, reflecting on the gig he played in last night.



Beautifully put; Lally you took the words out of my mouth regarding my own feelings. [:)]



flowered -> RE: how much is too much too soon? (4/7/2008 6:33:58 AM)

Emotional attatchment comes for me as soon as any domination or control aspect comes into a relationship- even just play is a relationship in its way.
It is simply the way I am- its not some all consuming thing, I can easily shrug it aside, but in the act of submiting ( or sometimes in my case, being forced to submit  ^^) a little part of my emotions goes to them.
It's like a fondness almost, anyone who has ever dominated me, I love, just a little. It's a gentle thing, barely noticable, but there.

It doesn't mean I become clingy or anything. I just love to love, and see no problem with it, so never hold it back.

ooo I got sidetracked, to much is when someone is declaring undying love for another almost imediately- honestly, if the emotion is real, and not something they made up in their head, Dom or sub, I don't believe it is too much, so long as it does not make the other uncomfortable- once one person in the relationship starts to be uncomfortable, then it is "too much".



Madame4a -> RE: how much is too much too soon? (4/7/2008 6:51:49 AM)

I move slowly and carefully... anyone, in any situation who gets attached too quickly is a red flag for me...

it takes a good deal of time to build a meaningful and lasting relationship in my mind -- and so I take time

personally, getting to know someone first online is both a wonderful thing and a bad thing -- in some ways, it lends itself to a false sense of knowing someone.  I remind myself I only know the part they allow me to see.  That false sense I believe is a contributing factor to the rushing and urgency.



LaTigresse -> RE: how much is too much too soon? (4/7/2008 7:20:18 AM)

Getting emotionally attached quickly rather creeps me out.

However, if someone is going to contact me via the net they had better be willing to get past internet communication very quickly. Otherwise I will not take them seriously and quickly lose interest.



greenearth21 -> RE: how much is too much too soon? (4/7/2008 7:52:40 AM)

I've never been in sub frenzy to the point of desperation but i remember a time where I had this "hopeful' feeling and was eager to know someone and would work hard to keep the conversation going.  Nowadays, I just let things go as they will.  Things will work out if they are meant to work out and rushing into them isnt a smart idea. I have no problem talking to someone for several months and not having an idea where thing will go, and that gives me a piece of mind. 
A dom who gets attached and wants to be around me all the time or talk all the time would definetely be a turn off...not necessarily a red flag but it would be more of a pesty situation than a pleasurable one.
I also don't beleive in putting all your eggs in one basket...unless its time to do so.



akisha -> RE: how much is too much too soon? (4/7/2008 8:13:02 AM)

Actually, I tend to hold back and keep an emotional distance for a while. But I've always been cautious. I don't deny or lie about my feelings when I feel them, but I try and remain logical and analytical in the begining of a relationship. Being over run with hormones is never a good place to make intelligent and informed decisions. IMO



Noah -> RE: how much is too much too soon? (4/7/2008 3:44:18 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: velvetluxe

vinylsubmission, I agree with the statement regarding it being harder to find someone you're compatible with in D/s. Obviously any relationship is hard but I think the polar extremes of bdsm makes it harder to find a partner whom you're compatible with on both a personality/emotional level and physical/sexual level.


Maybe so. I suppose you're right.  But in at least one significant way maybe not.

In any relationship the power dynamics need to be worked out. People who have some experience with D/s can be much more in touch with this need, more willing and better equppied to deal with it out in the open and early on.

Vanilla couples may skirt issues of power due to discomfort, or lack of vocabulary, or a lack or clarity regarding their own needs and desires in this regard-- never mind the knowledge of what to expect in terms of likely and unlikely ways their needs can intersect with the desires and needs of the other.

In this sense, if in no other, I think finding whether two are compatible can be less difficult and time consuming among people for whom exploring and consciously inhabitting selected power roles is a large part of what they come together for.




hopelessfool -> RE: how much is too much too soon? (4/7/2008 4:02:05 PM)

It depends on the person Im working towards a relationship with. How they are with me dictates how I am and how attached I get to them. If they give me reasons to feel flightly or not at ease, then I will not get attached to them. If they give me reason to feel calm, as well as safe then I will stimply because to create such a feeling in me states alot about their character and personility. It also depends on the time of the year that I meet said person. As for How much is too much, it depends on the parties involved. Some people enjoy another being attached or having fond feelings to them, some do not. If they enjoy your actions then I would say I dont frankly give a damn what others thing. If its something they do not enjoy I would exercise caution and taking a step back. Personally myself, I push real life encounters more quickly then others because I can get a better feel of people in real life then I can online or on the phone. It all depends on the person...



FRSguy -> RE: how much is too much too soon? (4/7/2008 4:02:07 PM)

I have seen it where I meet a woman online and I am just interested in chat and then somhow they start getting super attached to me and that kind of creeps me out because I allways say my intentions up front and somehow that allways gets forgotten. I was looking at one point and some of the woman I met on here kind of went way overboard ... it seemed like they could really get sucked into very quickly.  On the whole I dont really mind it.  I kind of expect a woman with a submisive behavior being the type that takes risk with there emotions and look to doms as kind of an anchor and relising this I can understand and apreciate the how and whys of this "desperation".  I think if they get to involved to quickly its kind of a good thing in some ways but I can allways slow them down or talk to them about there feelings and how to deal with them a little better. I dont think there is a way that a woman could chase me off with it or scare me away with it. Its kind of refreshing when you ask a woman how she feels about you and the responses are take me away kind of thing...



LuckyAlbatross -> RE: how much is too much too soon? (4/7/2008 5:44:47 PM)

I generally think they are getting attached to an IDEA of what's going on, rather than really focusing on just being together and letting things develop.

Life will force them to go through the necessary steps to grow together no matter what, it just tends to be less frustrating to do it in the slow steady foresight manner, rather than the screeching speed bump manner.

If that's who they are and how they feel they are wired, that's great.  I'm not playing cards close to my chest, in fact I'm laying it all bare- you'll wait for me to feel right or it won't happen.

My ex/roommate met a chick online a few weeks ago and is bringing her out from CA to spend two weeks together.  They are already using the "love" word together and building moving plans.  I think it's completely off the wall.  But if it is what works for them, and they can make it happen, then more power to them.

Of course I had to explain she was NOT going to be allowed to be left alone in the apartment during the day which he hadn't even considered to be an issue.



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