RE: What every newbie should be told

RE: What every newbie should be told (Full Version)

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junecleaver -> RE: What every newbie should be told (4/7/2008 5:33:40 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: KnightofMists Abusive relationships do not enhance power... they use it up! Wow. I like that.

Maya2001 -> RE: What every newbie should be told (4/7/2008 6:33:58 PM)
quote: BTW, i like your tagline very much and i would love to use it, if that's ok. Thank you and no problem with [:)]

Poetryinpain -> RE: What every newbie should be told (4/7/2008 10:51:45 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: KnightofMists It is why I see my relationships as a *Power Enhancement Relationship Dynamic with Authority Transfer*. The power is about the person as much as it is about the person. Abusive relationships do not enhance power... they use it up! I like that! That's something I could happily live with. pip, more yellow clappy things

LadyPact -> RE: What every newbie should be told (4/7/2008 11:48:10 PM)
Michael, it is a very good post. It's a shame that it needs to be said, but obviously it does. I've never understood why people lose sight of knowing the difference between BDSM and abuse, just because they are in something that is different than a vanilla relationship. Sure the activities change, but that doesn't mean the emotional fulfillment should.

MaamJay -> RE: What every newbie should be told (4/8/2008 1:36:09 AM)
I agree that it is a great post for newbies. Yes, as people progress in the lifestyle they learn that there may be times when they can work past old barriers with the help of a much trusted partner ... but that's not where newbies should venture. Very nicely said Michael, with great additions from CreativeDominant and Knight! Maam Jay aka violet[A]

DisenchantedLife -> RE: What every newbie should be told (4/8/2008 2:04:44 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: LadyPact Michael, it is a very good post. It's a shame that it needs to be said, but obviously it does. I've never understood why people lose sight of knowing the difference between BDSM and abuse, just because they are in something that is different than a vanilla relationship. Sure the activities change, but that doesn't mean the emotional fulfillment should. Because abuse isnt always easily spotted. Because abuse doesnt just plop on your head out of no where. Because abuse is a slow build up like cooking a frog.

LadyPact -> RE: What every newbie should be told (4/8/2008 2:27:36 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: DisenchantedLife quote: ORIGINAL: LadyPact Michael, it is a very good post. It's a shame that it needs to be said, but obviously it does. I've never understood why people lose sight of knowing the difference between BDSM and abuse, just because they are in something that is different than a vanilla relationship. Sure the activities change, but that doesn't mean the emotional fulfillment should. Because abuse isnt always easily spotted. Because abuse doesnt just plop on your head out of no where. Because abuse is a slow build up like cooking a frog. The BDSM element doesn't change that. Abuse, be it physical, mental, or emotional, never starts where it ends up. This doesn't change whether the parties involved are vanilla, or lifestyle oriented.

snugglepet -> RE: What every newbie should be told (4/8/2008 5:22:28 PM)
There is one issue that i have not seen mentioned. When dealing with an abusive relationship, you have to remember there are emotions that take hold and play a part of it. Sometimes it is a manipulation of the weakest member to stay and the usual "oh baby i love you and i am sorry" or its the "you can't do any better than me, no one could love your fat ass" and sometimes you are so conflicted with what love really should be that you forget to think of yourself and how important you are. You lose yourself in the idea that someone could seem to love you but trust that in those moments that they "don't" they will always come back to the loving feeling again. Of course this also has to do with how confident you are with yourself when you enter a relationship. Of course traumatic events can change how you behave, but ultimately can't change who you are, you may lose touch with yourself, but you have to regroup and decide that you are truly worth it. I used to wonder why women and some ment would stay in relationship that served only to break bones, and belittle and berate, until i was one of them. There is a system that abusers use to make you feel that you have no choice but to stay. Its easier to see when you are not blinded by what you have come to believe is "love" and although it may not be a conventional "love" it is what you have accepted as "love" and the best thing you can do for yourself is try to remove the emotion and see the actions for what they are. An abuse of power, an abuse of trust. Two of the most important aspects of and D/s relationship.

CreativeDominant -> RE: What every newbie should be told (4/9/2008 7:38:07 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: snugglepet There is one issue that i have not seen mentioned. When dealing with an abusive relationship, you have to remember there are emotions that take hold and play a part of it. Sometimes it is a manipulation of the weakest member to stay and the usual "oh baby i love you and i am sorry" or its the "you can't do any better than me, no one could love your fat ass" and sometimes you are so conflicted with what love really should be that you forget to think of yourself and how important you are. You lose yourself in the idea that someone could seem to love you but trust that in those moments that they "don't" they will always come back to the loving feeling again. Of course this also has to do with how confident you are with yourself when you enter a relationship. Of course traumatic events can change how you behave, but ultimately can't change who you are, you may lose touch with yourself, but you have to regroup and decide that you are truly worth it. I used to wonder why women and some ment would stay in relationship that served only to break bones, and belittle and berate, until i was one of them. There is a system that abusers use to make you feel that you have no choice but to stay. Its easier to see when you are not blinded by what you have come to believe is "love" and although it may not be a conventional "love" it is what you have accepted as "love" and the best thing you can do for yourself is try to remove the emotion and see the actions for what they are. An abuse of power, an abuse of trust. Two of the most important aspects of and D/s relationship. But wouldn't you agree that abuse does not appear out of nowhere? Perhaps I expect too much out of myself and out of others because of what I have learned. I know that I have been in abusive relationships in the past...abuse occurring on a mental and emotional level. But one of the things I saw, even while they were occurring was that there was a progression...at least for me...of going to bed infrequently thinking, "Today was an aberration, it will be better tomorrow" to going to bed more and more often thinking "what the hell did I do that started things up today??? Is it me...or is it something else?" For whatever reason, once I began to ask myself that, then I knew it was time to get out. Thankfully, there are plenty of sources out there with the warning signs of abuse. Does seem of it seem overboard and hypersensitive? Sure...but when you filter through most of it, it comes down to recognizing that you are unhappy more than you are not. It comes down to recognizing one simple fact in order to move out of this relationship and before entering into another relationship...that some people are born to manipulate...and not in a good way...in order to control another and that these same people's love *lasts only as long as it takes to convince the wounded party to stay.*

Corvidae -> RE: What every newbie should be told (4/9/2008 8:17:54 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: SimplyMichael Being a submissive isn't about being pushed down, even if someone is pushing you down, it is about playing with things, unusual things, that at the end of the day make you feel lifted up, fulfilled, and in short fucking happy as all hell. Amen to this! Way to hit the nail on the head! In my limited experience as a sub I have felt more energised, self confidant, and "fucking happy as all hell." If I ever ended up experiencing something as a sub that made me feel otherwise, I would stop it immediately, and preferably try to explain to the top why that particular thing didn't work for me (in a friendly non-accusatory way, assuming they didn't intentionally try to take me to a place I didn't want to go). Sure, there can be room for exploring dificult experiences and emotions withing a BDSM scene, but that has to be explicitly agreed to ahead of time, and both partners should be able to call a halt (as is always the case) if things get too intense or undomfortable.

Leatherist -> RE: What every newbie should be told (4/9/2008 8:20:10 AM)
The paranioic way this thread seems to be going-I'd offer.. Don't forget to check for the boogeyman under your bed before going to sleep."

Justme696 -> RE: What every newbie should be told (4/9/2008 8:20:34 AM)
well it seens it is a very interesting subject..not just for "newbies" looking at the discussion.

BlackPhx -> RE: What every newbie should be told (4/9/2008 8:40:57 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: SimplyMichael Because we are used to modeling ourselves on others. I see "Jack and jill" doing their hard core S&M/Old Guard thing in the corner and they are happy so I do what they do and it doesn't work for me and I assume I am just not hard core enough. Or I see "CrappyDom and sillygirl" being all light hearted and I emulate them and it isn't right for me. Same goes for hurting my partner, it has only been recently that I found a partner I trusted enough to explore my inner sadist and I still am fearful of going there. [sm=applause.gif][sm=applause.gif][sm=applause.gif][sm=applause.gif][sm=applause.gif] On recognizing that behavior in yourself and on your OP. I spent this past Saturday and have spent in the past a great deal of time trying to help others realize that the only Bar out there for them to reach is the one they set for themselves. It is not about being able to do what Sally Sub does or take what Polly Painlover can, it is about doing what you can and taking/giving what you can enjoy. The effort you make and the feelings you get from it no matter what side of the collar you are on is what is right and precious to you and your partner and sets your bar not what other people do. So many new subs I have talked to feel inadequate and unhappy that they don't enjoy spankings, or single tails or whatever fill in the blank, like everyone else does. I try to tell them, there is No requirement other than the ones they and their Dominant choose. No one likes everything. Hell no one likes every flavor of ice cream that can be made (well maybe someone will but I will pass on sushi and broccoli ice cream thank you), why should we all like the same things sexually? Find what feels right with someone you trust and grow from there. If something isn't your cuppa tea..then if you both agree, it isn't in your bag of tricks. Take what you need, learn how to do safely what you are interested in and move forward at your own pace, one that is right for you and your partner. No need to keep up with the Jones' unless of course they are doing something that peaks your interest..then ask them to show you the ropes. poenkitten (thinking Doms could also use a bit of mentoring at times)

Deliena -> RE: What every newbie should be told (4/12/2008 4:07:11 AM)
I loved this thread for the sense and intelligence shown by the OP and Creative and Knight, but when it turned to a discussion on abuse and using BDSM as a theraputic tool it became even more fascinating to me. I am both a student of Psychology and a survivor of domestic abuse. My first ever serious boyfriend, the first lover I returned to, the first man I lived with, the first Dom I'd ever met or heard of was also a man who abused me physically and emotionally during our relationship. I was 17 when I met him and 19 when I left him. Subsequent vanilla partners assumed that my passion for BDSM came from my past abuse, some subsequent lifestyle partners assumed that the abuse and my desire to participate in BDSM scenes were somehow 'intertwined'. They weren't. Abuse was always abuse, play and the desire to play was always play. It takes a long time to get over abuse and techniques to resolve those issues are varied because the psychology of the individual is varied and different tools fix different problems. Having found what I thought was going to be a vanilla lover to discover a natural Dominant who wanted to explore what He and i can do for one another is a real joy, being able to discuss old issues and plan new pleasures (whether they be painful or not) is what I truely relish.

DrummerDom -> RE: What every newbie should be told (4/13/2008 11:38:31 AM)
Michael, I don't know how many of these threads you've written before I started reading the forums, but if you could put your threads into a book...I could see it being very popular.

SimplyMichael -> RE: What every newbie should be told (4/13/2008 1:08:00 PM)
My partner, BossyShoeBitch keeps telling me the same thing. I think we need to publish a "Best of Collarme" as there are MANY amazing posters here. That said, thanks for the compliment. When I started, I used to use up and toss women aside like empty candybar wrappers and I used to be miserable as hell, the WORST of the wanker/poser doms. If I had gotten the sort of advice that is given here, I would have been as great as I am today a lot sooner. Now I am just trying to overcome my oppressive modesty...

pinkwind -> RE: What every newbie should be told (4/13/2008 1:20:42 PM)
And if someone tells you that you can be taught, learn, even trained not to feel the instinctive disquiet or outright fear through the great offices of their undoubted Dominance, it's BULLSHIT and you should walk away without a backward glance. Anyone who tried to persuade you to ignore your instincts at whatever stage of a relationship is at best a fool, at worst...who knows.

Prinsexx -> RE: What every newbie should be told (4/13/2008 6:25:24 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: SimplyMichael My partner, BossyShoeBitch keeps telling me the same thing. I think we need to publish a "Best of Collarme" as there are MANY amazing posters here. That said, thanks for the compliment. When I started, I used to use up and toss women aside like empty candybar wrappers and I used to be miserable as hell, the WORST of the wanker/poser doms. If I had gotten the sort of advice that is given here, I would have been as great as I am today a lot sooner. Now I am just trying to overcome my oppressive modesty... Do you think that was what made you miserable? I ask this because at heart I am certain the so-called master I freed myself from, will be, and probably is, at heart, one of those guys who will one day make someone an absolutely fabulous master and partner. He's just like one-degree out and the worst? Well for me, the worst aspect of his character is that get 'em, use 'em and toss 'em aside. It's love (I am certain of it) in a very insecure and hedomnistic fashion, insecurity and fear really of not being able to hold the attention of one submissive and so the need for another, or the need for more than one at a time. A kind of edging his bets. I will always love him Michael and have at least salvaged my self-worth enough to know that it was him who absolutely and truly couldn't see the value or worth in me. And that's not me making him WRONG it simply me sensing immaturity and insecurity. I wonder how many Doms would admit to having started out as you say you did? I don't ever expect to get an apology from him for the way he treated me as a person. He will of course justify that that is the way a master behaves and that was my role simply to take it as a slave. But no: this lifestyle is not, in my understanding anyway, about simply being a hole........(correct spelling).

Owned1 -> RE: What every newbie should be told (4/14/2008 10:00:28 PM)
I am just posting on here to keep this topic alive. I agree with all that has been said and I feel it is something everyone needs to read, read and understand fully. Thanks for the great word of wisdom SM Owned

Lordandmaster -> RE: What every newbie should be told (4/14/2008 10:06:41 PM)
I'm tempted to say that the main thing a newbie needs to be told is not to listen to too many fucking people on Collarme. But that would be divisive, wouldn't it...

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