RE: Integrity

RE: Integrity (Full Version)

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lusciouslips19 -> RE: Integrity (4/8/2008 6:15:17 PM)
I had something like this happen. A friend yelled at me and said I did something to them. they said some very mean things to me. I did not. I pointed out their misinterpretation. So they did calm down but I find the person volatile now and unstable. So since I havent known them for years, although i hold no ill will or animosity I do find that I have distanced myself from them.

SailingBum -> RE: Integrity (4/8/2008 8:20:12 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: CalifChick Integrity… The adherence to moral and ethical principles; soundness of moral character; honesty. To behave in accordance with your values, to be sincere, and to be faithful to what you believe is important. How do you feel when a friend underestimates your integrity? Does it bother you? Does it change your friendship? Are you hurt that a friend thinks you would "do such a thing" and you know it's something you would never do? Cali Most are pleasently surprised when they figure out I have some. BadOne

IronBear -> RE: Integrity (4/8/2008 9:03:47 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: CalifChick Integrity… The adherence to moral and ethical principles; soundness of moral character; honesty. To behave in accordance with your values, to be sincere, and to be faithful to what you believe is important. How do you feel when a friend underestimates your integrity? Does it bother you? Does it change your friendship? Are you hurt that a friend thinks you would "do such a thing" and you know it's something you would never do? Cali It's been my experience that 99% of people will judge me by their personal standards. This usually is a good indication of what they are like underneath their social face. I do not have friends like that. I do, however, have many acquaintences who sit comfortably in the 99% I refered to. I know them better than they know me which gives me an advantage should I need one. Those who I call friend and brother are people with whom I have spent a great deal of time with and we know each other, the good, the bad and the ugly; the strenghts and their weaknesses. We do not judge each other but we know that when shit happens we'll be there for each other. It may be that I choose to have a small circle of friends but they are pure gold. Most of tyhem have eaten dirt with me, sniffed crap, felt the same fear and been shot ot had the shit kicked out of us at one time or another. Generally, their integrety and honour matches mine so I can't ask for more in life on that score. Iron Bear Master of Bruin Cottage (A Victorian Lifestyle poly home) "I judge a Man by what I see him do and not by what others tell me he does." (Captain Sir Edward Pellew of the HMS Indefatigable to Midshipman Hornblower ~ C.S. Forrester) .

LuckyAlbatross -> RE: Integrity (4/8/2008 9:20:46 PM)
I would be surprised, because I'm pretty open about those sorts of things, I really don't make promises unless I can see absolutely no reason for it to happen. I don't make friends easily so when I do, they really should know me well by then. Not sure exactly what you mean by "underestimate" integrity- their version of lower integrity might be my idea of a good time. They aren't underestimating my integrity, they are interpreting my good time as some expression of integrity. Which is a problem in itself, but a different one.

LadyPact -> RE: Integrity (4/9/2008 1:57:29 AM)
Cali, I am sorry that this particular experience is disturbing you. I can only offer a few concepts that have helped Me in areas that might seem similar. For starters, I am very close to the chest with whom I call friend. It is only after having known Me for long enough to answer this kind of question without being asked. It's something that I feel has become a part of the friendship before I will ever call it such. To follow, I've kept something for quite a few years that has been My staple on the subject. Two statements that have helped for My own definition of integrity. Most of those that I consider friends have heard them at one time or another. One is, integrity isn't something you have ninty percent of the time, or even ninty five percent of the time... you either have it, or you don't. The other is, integrity is the character of a person in their actions, even when no one else is looking.

CalifChick -> RE: Integrity (4/9/2008 6:42:36 AM)
Thank you all for your perspectives. I've been mulling this over, trying to figure out WHY it bothers me so much, and if I cannot figure that out, then at least how I can minimize that. And good lord, it DOES bother me. I appreciate everyone's viewpoint, and I thank you. And Gwyn, big hugs to you, I'm so sorry. Cali

Dnomyar -> RE: Integrity (4/9/2008 8:02:49 AM)
I still want to know what the hell a motel receipt was doing on the front seat.

CalifChick -> RE: Integrity (4/9/2008 9:01:43 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Dnomyar I still want to know what the hell a motel receipt was doing on the front seat. I'm sorry Ray, I meant to give it to you when you left so you could claim it on your taxes as a business entertainment expense. [sm=writing.gif]I'll drop it in the mail pronto, to that secret post office box you have, right? Cali

Dnomyar -> RE: Integrity (4/9/2008 9:06:20 AM)
Im sorry for all the trouble I caused you. I figured that it was better that your ex found it instead of mine.

Gwynvyd -> RE: Integrity (4/9/2008 9:26:58 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: CalifChick Thank you all for your perspectives. I've been mulling this over, trying to figure out WHY it bothers me so much, and if I cannot figure that out, then at least how I can minimize that. And good lord, it DOES bother me. I appreciate everyone's viewpoint, and I thank you. And Gwyn, big hugs to you, I'm so sorry. Cali Thank you hun.. and to those who C-mailed me off list to talk about it. My realtionship with my girl and I is pretty much in the shitter and at it's end. I spent this morning after I got the Um off to school at the beach with my toes in the sand on the back of the Crusier listening to some music.. and figuring out some things in my head.. mostly as to why this all bugged me so much. I think ( and it will prob. end up being the same for you Cali to be honest ) that I was angry and upset with myself... that I chose someone who did not have the same values as I did. I grasped onto that person... who did not bother to even get to know me over the years because they were so mired down with thier own BS. I am as my friends call it a "fixer" I "Fix" people.. once fixed they tend to move on. So she missed out on getting to know who I was because she transferred her issues onto me. I realized I spent 5 of those years seeking an equal realtionship. It wasnt fair to either of us. I wish you luck Cali on figuring yours out. hugs again & hugs Blushes too Gwyn

cjan -> RE: Integrity (4/9/2008 11:00:48 AM)
I recently ended a relationship of 4 years because of this issue. The lady accused me of something I would never do or even consider doing. Of course it hurt, but it also saddened me. I told her that she didn't even know who I am. I had been completely open and honest with her from the beginning and, I still think, she with me. It still baffles me that she could entertain such a thought about me.Go figure.. She apologized and did the "I've never loved anyone as I love you", etc., yada, yada thing. But one can never take back the words one speaks. The damage can not be undone or overlooked.

Gwynvyd -> RE: Integrity (4/9/2008 2:11:11 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: cjan I recently ended a relationship of 4 years because of this issue. The lady accused me of something I would never do or even consider doing. Of course it hurt, but it also saddened me. I told her that she didn't even know who I am. I had been completely open and honest with her from the beginning and, I still think, she with me. It still baffles me that she could entertain such a thought about me.Go figure.. She apologized and did the "I've never loved anyone as I love you", etc., yada, yada thing. But one can never take back the words one speaks. The damage can not be undone or overlooked. nods I think this happens more frequently then what we would ever guess. It is sad really. Esp. if it is someone who is or has been that close to us.. a friend ok.. maybe or maybe not they might just not "get us" but we really expect our mates to "get us" In my case my girl was under the misconception of why and where I was emotionaly when I chose another in a poly situation. ( or any other situation other then her) She thought there was absoultely no emotional anything.. I was just merely using them, and then throwing them back eventualy. ( with the exception of my one boi, of whom she likes of course... ) She had this disposable people concept. She explained it to a friend of mine recently who asked what poly was to us and I asked her if she were nuts. I had no idea she thought I could even have "disposable people" any one who bothers to even read my profile.. little alone spend a day with me would understand I could never do the whole "disposable people" BS. So when ever I of course was friends first with.. or had any emotional friendship with the people I was even interested in she racked up this huge score board of my "sins against our realtionship". ~ And yes.. we had discussed the whole " I have to like the people I am that close with.. and be friends first... did that before we even dated. ( She was in the "Friend" box for about a year before dating ) So when I chose a close friend recently whom we had discussed previously.. and she had been telling me I should really pick... and she went bonkers on me. It tripped her telling me all the truth behind all of the things she had been holding back. ( in her mind she is coherant enough to reconize he is not the casual fling sort.. he is a real keeper) It was a good thing. At least I know the truth. Gwyn

metalmiss -> RE: Integrity (4/9/2008 4:34:16 PM)
i am a very honest & straight person, occasionally to the point of being brutal about it when i need to be. i should think that my friends, if thats what they are, would recognise that. i hold myself to a high standard when it comes to my integrity.. Friends questioning my integrity however, doesn't happen an awful lot. They all know that if they decide they're going to argue, i am just going to walk straight down the middle. When it does.. it does make me question the friendship.. if they can't trust me enough not to seriously question my integrity, then often they aren't really what i would consider to be real friends, more like acquaintances. So i guess you could say something like that does cause me to reevaluate where i stand with that person. Integrity is essential in everything.

Lumus -> RE: Integrity (4/9/2008 5:11:03 PM)
Looks like Cali's already received some sage murmurs that resonate with her own perceptions; but I'll add this because I like Cali and want to share my viewpoint with her: Considering I'm commonly misunderstood, Cali, I just shrug it off and consider myself to have been given a deeper education on how the person in question actually preceives me. To a lesser degree, it also gives me some insight into them directly. You are what you are. [The lyrics sum it nicely for me re this topic.]

CalifChick -> RE: Integrity (4/9/2008 10:29:17 PM)
Thank you Lumus, very nice. Cali

RavenMuse -> RE: Integrity (4/10/2008 3:58:56 AM)
I only have friends where I trust their integrity, someone I don't trust is mearly an aquaintence. If someone shows Me they don't trust MY integrity it is the same as them saying they only view Me as an aquaintence, not as a friend. So yes it would change how I viewed them... To Me however it wouldn't be changing what they are... just clarifying the reality as I may have mistakenly thought they where friend rather than aquaintence.

Dnomyar -> RE: Integrity (4/10/2008 4:21:51 AM)
Oh what a tangled web we weave.

Prinsexx -> RE: Integrity (4/10/2008 4:39:58 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: CalifChick Integrity… The adherence to moral and ethical principles; soundness of moral character; honesty. To behave in accordance with your values, to be sincere, and to be faithful to what you believe is important. How do you feel when a friend underestimates your integrity? Does it bother you? Does it change your friendship? Are you hurt that a friend thinks you would "do such a thing" and you know it's something you would never do? Cali Yes to be honest it devastates me. It takes a while, in persnal friendships that is, to relaise that the same psychological mechanisms apply as those which I am good at working with in my professional life. The most powerful mechanism is projection (IMPO...disclaiming any professionakl input here). So when I get the: you-fucked-me-over or you-want-more-and-i-can't-give-it or you-are-not-to-be-trusted (after they just said they did)....then I know I am getting blasted with their projection onto me. Honestly: I do my best to be a good hearted person, loyal, supportive and true (I mean true as in being honest). I am much like a mirror both in friendship and bdsm. So when I get fucked over, criticised, berated and so on yes it hurts me like hell until I just can see clearly it's them projecting their shit onto me. Naive? maybe I am....and gullible and run my house like a last chance saloon......but as an empathic person it's very very hard to have boundaries. PS yet at the same time I am prepared to take the criticism, learn from my mistakes and move on it doesnt change my essential nature that I allow myself to be fucked over......I just find it really difficult to harden myself in what is becoming a hugely dishonest, self-interested and pecking order world.

chellekitty -> RE: Integrity (4/10/2008 7:57:08 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: CalifChick Integrity… The adherence to moral and ethical principles; soundness of moral character; honesty. To behave in accordance with your values, to be sincere, and to be faithful to what you believe is important. How do you feel when a friend underestimates your integrity? Does it bother you? Does it change your friendship? Are you hurt that a friend thinks you would "do such a thing" and you know it's something you would never do? Cali i did a values quiz a few months back and narrowed down something like 400 positive values to my top 4 essential values, and integrity was number one...my own personal integrity...i know that my morals and ethics often do not match up with main stream society, or even anyone else that i can think of, they are -as a group- pretty original, unique? but i have them, i know them and i stick to them...there is no wishy washy anything about them...that is not to say that if i am proven wrong that i won't change, but it takes some time... like others here, i don't make friends easy...i don't even pretend to get to know the crowd so it appears i have friends...i should take that back...at the places i go to, everywhere i go, a lot of the people know my name...maybe it is because i can't stand to see someone standing by themselves, maybe it is because i can't stand to see things done "wrong" because "thats the way it's always been done" and i have made a name for myself by being controversial, who me? never...but thats neither here nor there, right now...but those few friends i do make...know me, or at least i hope they do...and if they were to question my integrity it would ruin the relationship... it ruined a 3 year friendship that had become like a chosen family - i spent as much time at their house as i did at my own, i had a key to their house, i could come and go as i wanted before it ended - and it all ended because they didn't think that i was sorry that a poorly exicuted joke hurt her (the female half of the couple's) feelings...you know, accuse me of a lot of things...but don't ever say that it doesn't hurt me to see my friends, family, loved ones hurt...i feel it right along with them...i don't even speak to them now when i see them in person... chelle

Prinsexx -> RE: Integrity (4/10/2008 9:28:02 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: subtee Yeah, I think it would sting and I'm sorry. Do you know "The Four Agreements"? [The second one in particular in this instance.] 1. Be Impeccable With Your Word Speak with integrity. Say only what you mean. Avoid using the word to speak against yourself or to gossip about others. Use the power of your word in the direction of truth and love. 2. Don't Take Anything Personally Nothing others do is because of you. What others say and do is a projection of their own reality, their own dream. When you are immune to the opinions and actions of others, you won't be the victim of needless suffering. 3. Don't Make Assumptions Find the courage to ask questions and to express what you really want. Communicate with others as clearly as you can to avoid misunderstandings, sadness and drama. With just this one agreement, you can completely transform your life. 4. Always Do Your Best Your best is going to change from moment to moment; it will be different when you are healthy as opposed to sick. Under any circumstance, simply do your best, and you will avoid self-judgment, self-abuse and regret. ~hug~ Thank you my friend for this. It's tough and I think I fail miserably and I am the worst at number 1. That's what I have to work on. It's a habit of a lifetime being a quippy bitch.

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