Not wanting to control too much? (Full Version)

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SephandElena -> Not wanting to control too much? (4/8/2008 3:21:27 PM)

Elena speaking, the sub of the two of us.

I find that my love doesn't seem to want as much control as I'd like her to have over me.

For example, I'm currently the one with the job and the income.  It is my heart's desire to come trotting home with my paycheck, present it to her, and let her decide, as the Mistress, how to spend things.  But it's "my money" and "my work" and she lets me handle it.  Which means if I get paid on Wednesday every other week......we're broke by the first Friday and spend a week and a half suffering.  ....I'm still wishing that the next paycheck she whisks it away and calls this a learning experience.

We're not 24/7, and occasionally we totally switch roles, but.....  I acknowledge her as the Mistress, and I'm working on training myself to wear a collar each and every day, in and out of the house.  (Not all of my 'collars' =look= like collars, though, for discretion's sake.)  I'm crap at remembering though--I always forget.  >.<

But....I want her to control more of me than she currently does, and....  I guess I'd like some suggestions for bringing up the topic.  I'm known for being a dumbass when it comes to topics like this--part of why I enjoy being a sub....I put my foot in my mouth waaaay too easily and it's much easier to avoid that if I keep my mouth shut and do as I'm told.  Not that that's the only reason, but this post is for me asking for advice, not babbling about myself.

So yeah.  ........Help?

~~EDIT~~
BTW, I've posted this in ask a Mistress as opposed to ask a Sub because....well, I guess asking other subs would get how they'd handle it and what I want to know is more....how would a Mistress prefer I approached the topic?
I almost feel that having something I need to bring up as....well, less than satisfactory...is like mouthing off or betraying my Mistress, but....  well.... it needs brought up. 
So....  I know every Mistress is different, asking here isn't going to be the be all end all, but....  some advice would be very appreciated.

Respectfully,
Elena



darchChylde -> RE: Not wanting to control too much? (4/8/2008 4:29:21 PM)

i know that you don't want a submissive's response, but this is a simple one.  Ask your mistress if you could speak plainly and without consequence, then go on to tell her what you feel you need.  But, i would venture that it would be better to instead ask her to help you learn to manage your finances yourself, maybe starting by her managing them; but eventually laying that responsibility back in your hands.

You're both young and it's likely that you won't live to old age together (sorry to be such a downer), her handling the finances would be fine and good; but how would you fare if for some reason she were not there.  Responsible finance management is an important skill that everyone needs in order to survive and thrive in  this world.



SephandElena -> RE: Not wanting to control too much? (4/8/2008 6:00:48 PM)

That's true, and something I hadn't considered.  I suppose that -is- something I need to consider.
Though it is just one example of many, and....well, I won't get into the ins and outs of our religion, but.....we're not gonna be parting.

*sigh*  The big question is more of how do I approach her when I've got something I need to talk to her about.  I -really- feel like it's a stab in the back to....I guess 'critique' her treatment of me.  I know that it's important for a healthy relationship to be able to talk, but....  It -really- hurts to say stuff like that, so....  I'm asking for suggestions on doing it 'properly' so I don't feel so bad about it.

Respectfully,
Elena



darchChylde -> RE: Not wanting to control too much? (4/8/2008 6:18:18 PM)

Really, the only way to do it is to be up front about it.  She's not superwoman and likely can't read your mind.  Don't look at it as criticizing her, but as bringing your own needs to her attention; which i believe should be one of a submissive's responsibilities in a relationship.

During a quiet time when the two of you are relaxing together at home, just open up the conversation with something along the lines of:

"Excuse me Ma'am, there's something i really need to talk with you about, may i speak freely?"

Then you can go from there.

Trust me, i know how difficult this is; i believe that it's important to those in a Ds relationship to occasionally just be people together without the constraints of Dominant and submissive.  Where you can just be friends, casual with respect.



undergroundsea -> RE: Not wanting to control too much? (4/8/2008 6:43:04 PM)

I think it's a good idea to have periodic conversation to check in with each other, especially in a relationship that is relatively new. In this conversation, one can discuss what is going well, and what could be made better. Suggesting such conversations would allow an opportunity for each of you to bring up relevant thoughts. It would be easier to have such discussions when they are already planned.

As for the control, I expect the point about the financial control is secondary, and the underlying matter is that you would like to see her exert greater dominance and would like to say so respectfully without telling her how to dominate you. If so, this issue is one that subs face often enough to bring about discussion.

I think one way to approach this issue it to collectively discuss how you can express your dynamic--which activities or rituals make her feel like she is being dominant and you are being submissive, and which make you feel similarly from your position. As part of this discussion, and as part of the periodic check-ins, you can bring up the question about intensity--on a scale of 1 to 10 (1 being too little and 10 being too much), where do each of you see the intensity of dominance to be, and where would you like to see it.

If your comfort zones for intensity levels are different, and there is willingness to increase intensity, I think smaller steps would help. Also, a high intensity level could be exhausting for her. You might also consider if defining different intensity or protocol levels and invoking different protocol levels at different times would help. For instance, a protocol level of 1 (or a suitable name given to it) could be relaxed where the D/s dynamic is slight, if at all. Protocol level X could be very high protocol, and so on.

Cheers,

Sea



SephandElena -> RE: Not wanting to control too much? (4/8/2008 7:02:09 PM)

Sea, I really appreciate your input.  I'm actually working on a letter to Mistress Seph now, so I'm not gonna....actually reply, I'm just...using what you said.

And you're right that it's not about cash flow, it's about the dominance issue.

~Laney



MasterFireMaam -> RE: Not wanting to control too much? (4/8/2008 11:36:37 PM)

Instead of asking her to control you, ask her to help you. For example, your paycheck. You know that you do not handle money well. Ask her for help in doing that. She's much more likely to get involved...and don't try to push her into just taking it from you. Control of another's finances is a taboo subject/idea for many.

Master Fire



Pyrrsefanie -> RE: Not wanting to control too much? (4/8/2008 11:49:42 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: SephandElena
I want her to control more of me than she currently does, and....  I guess I'd like some suggestions for bringing up the topic.  I'm known for being a dumbass when it comes to topics like this--part of why I enjoy being a sub....I put my foot in my mouth waaaay too easily and it's much easier to avoid that if I keep my mouth shut and do as I'm told.


That last part is why one of the first investments I made for my boy was a nice, sturdy gag to keep him out of trouble.  [:D]  Admittedly if I were on the submissive side I think I'd be beaten constantly for half of the crap that comes out of my mouth...

And interesting because I just had this conversation with my boy this evening.  It came up rather casually while I was teasing him with a bit of interrogation play -- I asked, "You love it when I control you completely and push your limits, don't you, slut?"  His answer was a rather shy 'yes.'  My next question was whatever would he do if I decided to push them even further?

Response -- "I'd love for you to push them further, (firstnamecensoredbecauseI'llgetlaughedatforit)"

Which brought up the conversation as to whether he realized what he was asking of me, was he really serious or just responding to the heat of the moment, etc.  My asking was based partly in the fact that I've been mulling over the idea of kicking things up a notch, and figured some input on it wouldn't be too bad.

I don't know the exact dynamics of your D/s relationship with your Mistress, but I, personally, love knowing what's going on in my sub's mind at any given time.  As long as it's not in the middle of a hot and heavy scene or at some other inappropriate time, I always welcome him to share his fears and his desires with me, although of course it's ultimately up to me to decide if I want to act upon them or not.  I would approach her during "downtime," so to speak, and politely tell her how you're feeling.  Lord knows the idea of a submissive wanting to give even more is a wonderful thing, at least in my book! 

Be understanding, however, that stepping up the level of domination may take her a bit to get used to, should she decide it's something that she is comfortable with.  Patience is key -- don't expect everything all at once, but more a gradual buildup so that both of you can ease into it without feeling too pressured or overwhelmed.

I wish you both luck, your picture made me go "Awwwwww!"

xoxo
Pyrrsefanie





chezzy52 -> RE: Not wanting to control too much? (4/9/2008 2:05:59 AM)

I hate to say this but neither of you are working together on the main issue here of money.I don't know how much you make and to be truthful,it is none of my business nor the boards' for that matter.But the fact remains your Mistress isn't doing you any favors by allowing you to spend wildly sans any bills you may have and be totally busted in two days..that is ridiculous.What are you eating for twelve days..cat food??Sit down with her and draw up a budget first with her input.If you both can't agree on what to do with your money,then it is time to look for another that will take total control of your finances and your submission and most likely will be working as well.Either that or find a second job because what is happening now cannot continue.



MistressOfGa -> RE: Not wanting to control too much? (4/9/2008 2:10:00 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: MasterFireMaam

Instead of asking her to control you, ask her to help you. For example, your paycheck. You know that you do not handle money well. Ask her for help in doing that. She's much more likely to get involved...and don't try to push her into just taking it from you. Control of another's finances is a taboo subject/idea for many.

Master Fire


A good thing I kept reading, because this was going to be my suggestion as well. Asking for help is always a good way to get a conversation started. I also feel that your Mistress could possibly be more upset that you didn't bring this to her attention first, before posting it here. Just my opinion though.

MoGa



SephandElena -> Sephs input. (4/9/2008 6:11:11 AM)

I want to thank everyone here for their suggestions. Elena and I Have had a talk together, and we have agreed that things were not going as well as they could have, so we are both going to work together to make this better.
As far as finances, I think most people here picked up on the fact that it was merely a symptom of the problem and not the actual root.
I won't deny I am new to the Domme side of the scene, and am still very much just learning, just as she is learning to be sub. Yet we have a love for each other that has been tested and stood strong against everything. So down to business here though.

To those of you who told her just to come out and tell me, my eternal gratitude. As has been pointed out, I'm no mind reader by a long shot. She felt slightly more comfortable asking people who had slightly more experience than I thus far have, and this is, one of the reasons I insisted upon us joining a site with so many different types of people who have more experience than I have. I'm reasonably certain however, that next time she will come to me first.

To those of you who suggested that perhaps she should find a different Mistress because of money, this does, I admit, slightly disturb me. Not because I do not agree that finances should be a part of life, but because at the end of the day, the thought of a sub who goes around changing their collars with such ease and joy because something does not live up to their expectations... well, I would have to question just how secure that relationship was to start with.


Pyrrsefanie: I especially want to thank you, since you gave Me some things to think about as well as my girl. It is hard to step up the dominance, but I do want to learn and we have both decided that things will progress more as time goes on, but you're right, we do need to take it slow to start with, (although I might have been taking it a bit Too slowly maybe).
Yeah, I think we look good together too, thank you very much for that comment it made us both smile.

Seph aka Reb.



thetammyjo -> RE: Not wanting to control too much? (4/9/2008 7:05:08 AM)

I'm glad to see that the OP turned into good discussion.

I wanted to share an idea of why some of us don't control our slave/sub's finances.

My household is poly so that makes matters complicated.

By law, the husband and I have combined financial responsibilities. We work that by he keeping track of bills but me making the big decisions and us discussing smaller decisions about spending money -- we also have personal money that either of us can use any way we wish.

By law, Fox owes me nothing and I owe him nothing. However per our contract part of his duty is to not be a burden on the household so he contributes a set sum each month to cover any expenses he creates by living in the house. The rest of the money he keeps to pay for school loans, car loan, savings, etc.

Why does he have that control over his money? Simply because I don't want it for two reasons. First I find managing money to be tiresome and rather stressing; adding to my stress is not him being my slave. Second because the rules of our dynamic were set up before it became clear this would be a life-time dynamic I never wanted him to be unable to care for himself once he/I left the other.

In the future we've discussed as an entire household Fox's co-owning the next house with us and creating a joint household account where all money necessary to run things will be pooled. Then each of us (yes, husband and I included) would have individual accounts for the money we earn that is not needed for the household. Obviously this will require some serious consultation with a legal expert but we aren't there yet so we haven't done it yet.

Anyway, my point is that a dom/owner not controlling the sub/slave's finances is not a sign lack of dominance but can actually a be a sign of the dominant realizing what she wants and exercising her authority to make that decision to not have control over some issues/matters.

Remember saying "no" is also part of exercising one's authority.



MaamJay -> RE: Not wanting to control too much? (4/11/2008 12:22:08 AM)

I'm with TammyJo on this, controlling money isn't something every Dominant wants to do, and certainly not early on. Master and I have been together nearly 4 years, He has had financial control only for 15 months. That was when i was ready to give it AND He was ready to take it. And still, He talks to me about spending, because He feels better doing that. However, i was capable of controlling the finances myself so there wasn't a pressing need for Him to take it on. Should the sub I am talking to prove to be as good as he seems and was to come here ... I wouldn't be in a hurry to take financial control. Yes he would be expected to contribute ... but other than that, his money is his, at least until the 3 of U/us are set together and want to change things.

It seems both of you are new ... you're both young ... don't rush! This is a journey, not a destination. Take time and enjoy the journey, enjoy the progression as the sub gradually surrenders more and the Dominant gradually accepts more. And keep those lines of communication open ... that's what it's all about. Neither of you are mind readers!

Good luck to you both!
Maam Jay aka violet[A]



MistressScarlot -> RE: Not wanting to control too much? (4/14/2008 10:58:47 PM)

Hi,

Firstly...I'd say that it is your /duty/ to become whatever it is that she wants you to become.
If she wants you to handle the finances, then it's your /duty/ to do that...and to get better at it, and you'll take pride in making it so that you don't have those feast and famine periods. She might not be directly expressing to you that that is how she wants it, but clearly her actions do, and her choices do, so you will serve her best by working to be what she needs of you...instead of your own needs to be controlled.

She'd still be controlling you, only now by your own choice to do your best for her.

I hope that helps. It's true; every Mistress /is/ different, but you'll earn your place and value with her the more you work to be whatever she needs. If you are flexible about the way that unfolds, and you seek to learn /her/, you won't struggle with things like this so much.





RumpusParable -> RE: Not wanting to control too much? (4/15/2008 2:08:41 PM)

I've not read all the replies, this is just something on reading your post, OP, that came to mind:

She expresses not wanting to control your income and you want to do better with how your income is handled (with the idea of handing it over for her control to be the solution) -why not try the route of keeping it in your control, as she wants it, but seek her guidance on it?

Ask her if, since she doesn't want to manage it directly, she'll sit down with you and help you with budgeting it.  That way, control of it stays in your hands but you get input from her so that you can do a better job in serving her through your money handling.  Put together some ideas on how to arrange the bills, to include the "fun money" spendings, and ask her to brainstorm on it with you and give her opinions. 

You *are* serving her by taking the money management as your responsibility, if that's how she prefers things for her comfort-zone.  Don't forget that and try to take pride in it.  If you're not doing great with it, start pursuing through her and other sources a better ability for it. -Something that it's good to master whether you've a Mistress or not.



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