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MIAMI—Former MLB star and admitted steroid user Jose Canseco extended an informal invitation Monday to over 500 current and former professional baseball players, requesting their presence at his house this coming weekend for his annual steroid party.

"Hey guys, big steroid bash at my place," Canseco said while handing out flyers at a Toronto Blue Jays spring training intrasquad game. "Nothing too fancy, just a bunch of guys, hanging out, taking steroids. Tell your friends."

The party is historically an extravagant affair, usually featuring women in bikinis carrying silver trays of various types of anabolic steroids, four VIP suites upstairs where guests can sample steroids from Canseco's personal collection, a giant 40-foot-tall ice syringe filled with Dianabol, oil paintings of steroids on the walls, a keg of steroids, a disco ball, and a punch bowl spiked with steroids.

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WASHINGTON—Amid allegations that his thoughtless and insensitive decisions have damaged his relationship with the nation, President George W. Bush vowed Monday that he would, starting now, "make everything better."



"This time I'm serious," Bush said. "I am ready to make a fresh start if we can just put the past behind us. I promise."



An estimated 35 million citizens listened to the president's televised remarks while silently crying behind locked bathroom doors.

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NEW YORK— As evidenced by the hundreds of newspaper clippings of various presidential candidates glued to his bedroom walls and ceiling, Vietnam veteran Dale Patrick Seaver, 52, is clearly an informed voter. But after watching over 50 debates, countless speeches, and nonstop campaign coverage at "all hours of the night," this presidential assassin has not yet decided who his choice will be in November.



"Usually I know well in advance who I want to win," the Bronx resident said while assembling his M40 United States Marine Corp standard-issue sniper rifle. "But there are just too many good choices—a black man, a woman, and a war hero who frequently advocates sending my brothers straight back into death's cold embrace."


"This would be so much easier if [John] Edwards was still running," Seaver added. "He has such a nice smile and the angels told me through the radio that he must be destroyed."