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maybemaybenot -> RE: Hurt (10/8/2005 9:59:54 AM)
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angleic:
Don't be hard on yourself. You didn't do a thing wrong. Unfortunately, there are alot of unscrupulous people out there, just lying in wait to jump on trusting, decent people.
As another poster wrote, I went thru a similar experience but won't go into detail. It hurts like hell, you do feel stupid < this is a passing thing tho> and it breaks your trust of people in general. < again fleeting> I will tell you what I have done, and suggest anyone, male or female, do particularly with a potential partner who lives a bit away from us. But I also do this with someone who lives relatively close.
I require the following info, no exceptions, no excuses;
Address
home phone
work phone
cell phone
name of company he works for and address of company/workplace.
Any reason/excuse that these cannot be provided to me is " my proof" there is a big problem. < married or living with another> and it is the end of the road for me.
If I am given the info and given stipulations/restrictions on how I can use this info.. same thing...end of the road.
Of course if he says something like... please don't call me at work Thurs Am.. I have a meeting... that is reasonable. I do use the info at the beginning of the relationship.. I make a call or two to his home at varying times, But always there will be a phone call or two in the early Am to wish him a good morning and godd day at work.
< wives and live in's would generally be home at this time and he would object to an early Am call>
I fully expect to be " invited " to his home, early in the relationship. Even if it is just for a drink or to watch a video. If I do not get the invite I suggest we stop by or go to his home. One refusal with a good explanation would be OK, but consistant, re peated refussal is not acceptable. I also expect him to take me out publically whether he lives near or far. Out to dinner at a local resturant, shopping at the mall. a quick trip to the grocery store. In other words, I need to be as welcome in his home and his world, as he is in mine.
This isn't always fool proof, but it sure does limit the playing field for the devious. So far, it has worked for me, and the rare person I have met, that has refused or put stipulations on me... has come clean about his " other" relationship.
Just a side note: I do not consistantly " check up" on him.. usually if I am given the info freely and without restrictions, I am fairly sure he is legit. I just do a couple of little things to confirm my trust.
As for your ex's and his " fiance"s harassment of you.. I think the restraining order is a good idea, at least there is a record of the harassment, if nothing else. When this happened to me, the woman of the relationship called me also, I apologized to her, I told her, that I would have nothing farther to do with him, and that I had also been decieved as she was and that this was an issue for she and him. I was fortunate that she was understanding and realized that HE was the problem, not me. I hope that this woman comes to realize that soon, and leaves you to move on and put it in the past.
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