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RE: just a few newbie questions - 4/11/2008 6:51:35 AM   
GreedyTop


Posts: 52100
Joined: 5/2/2007
From: Savannah, GA
Status: offline 		RACK: Risk Aware Consensual Kink

_____________________________

polysnortatious
Supreme Goddess of Snark
CHARTER MEMBER: Lance's Fag Hags!
Waiting for my madman in a Blue Box.

(in reply to Gemini1766)
Profile   Post #: 21
RE: just a few newbie questions - 4/11/2008 7:06:21 AM   
DiurnalVampire


Posts: 8125
Joined: 1/19/2006
From: Nashville, TN
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Othie
The first set:
Do you believe that a Dom/sub are equals? Or is the sub below the Dom?

I believe that Doms and subs are equal. Fox and Angel have as much say in our relationships as I do, even if they opt not to excercise it. I wold have no power over them if they hadnt given it to me.

quote:

I know, or atleast everyone I have asked, will tell me that a Dom's word is "law" or that he has the last word. What happens when the sub/slave feels strongly that they are wrong? I'm guessing they can't say "no, thats not right." but it seems like it would come up with anyone who thinks for themself...and not being able to say anything must feel like holding your anger inside...that can't be healthy.

I value the fact that my boys have enough of a mind of their own that if they object they can raise an objection intelligently, and respectfully. I am not always right, and I accept that.  There are things they might know better than I, and they are allowed to correct me if it is valid to do so. They do also know when and how it is apropriate to do so.

quote:


Second set:
With a sub/slave, do you feel that she/he should address you as Master/Sir at all times? For example, if your sub/slave comes in after a long day at work or other such thing, do you feel she should greet you as Master? If so, does this hold true when there are other none lifestyle people around? Do you like your subs/slaves to talk causal with you? Or should it all remain formal? Have you ever had a sub/slave feel they can't be causal around you?

I prefer casual. Neither boy has ever refered to me as Mistress, regardless of who is around us at any time. Fox will refer to me as his Owner when discussing me with others, but when I am present it is my name. Angel always uses my name, unless he cals me Mommy. I hate formality, always have

Everyone you ask, you will likely get different answers. Thats part of the appeal of the lifestyle, for me, that I can do as I please with my partners.  As long as we are happy, it doesnt matter what anyone outside thinks, really.

DV


_____________________________

I will be your Dominate if you will be my submit - Fox

Snarko Ergo Sum
If you cannot change your mind, how are you so sure you still have one? -proverb

*Owner of Fox - collared 10/13/07*
VampiresLair

(in reply to Othie)
Profile   Post #: 22
RE: just a few newbie questions - 4/11/2008 7:31:44 AM   
OsideGirl


Posts: 14441
Joined: 7/1/2005
From: United States
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Othie


Do you believe that a Dom/sub are equals? Or is the sub below the Dom?

There's no D/s relationship without a submissive. There's no D/s relationship without a Dominant. They are equals that fulfill different roles. There are some submissives that would look for a relationship where they're treated like dirt, but I think you'll find that most expect to have some respect within the relationship.


quote:

 I know, or atleast everyone I have asked, will tell me that a Dom's word is "law" or that he has the last word. What happens when the sub/slave feels strongly that they are wrong?
Master makes the final decision. In 99% of the cases, he will ask my opinion first and take that into consideration. Sometimes his decision is for me to make the decision.

quote:

I'm guessing they can't say "no, thats not right." but it seems like it would come up with anyone who thinks for themself...and not being able to say anything must feel like holding your anger inside...that can't be healthy.
A healthy relationship doesn't happen without communication. He expects me to voice any doubts that I have. By not expressing those doubts, I'm failing him as his submissive.

quote:

With a sub/slave, do you feel that she/he should address you as Master/Sir at all times?
He doesn't expect me to call him Master or Sir at all. Matter of fact, pretty much the only time I call him Master is in public D/s situations so that there is no confusion as to whether I'm in a relationship or not.

quote:

 For example, if your sub/slave comes in after a long day at work or other such thing, do you feel she should greet you as Master?
No, he expects that I be getting dinner ready and be doing the things that make our lives run. We're not a high protocol couple. It all comes down to preference. If what makes your heart beat a little faster is a full on formal greeting, then go for it.

quote:

If so, does this hold true when there are other none lifestyle people around?
Since we're more like a 1950's marriage, yes.

quote:

Do you like your subs/slaves to talk causal with you? Or should it all remain formal? Have you ever had a sub/slave feel they can't be causal around you?
He expects me to be his friend, his lover, his submissive and his wife. He'd be miserable if we didn't have the ability to just be goofy and have fun.



_____________________________

Give a girl the right shoes and she will conquer the world. ~ Marilyn Monroe

The Accelerated Velocity of Terminological Inexactitude

(in reply to Othie)
Profile   Post #: 23
RE: just a few newbie questions - 4/11/2008 8:50:25 AM   
RavenMuse


Posts: 4030
Joined: 1/23/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Othie

The first set:
Do you believe that a Dom/sub are equals? Or is the sub below the Dom? I know, or atleast everyone I have asked, will tell me that a Dom's word is "law" or that he has the last word. What happens when the sub/slave feels strongly that they are wrong? I'm guessing they can't say "no, thats not right." but it seems like it would come up with anyone who thinks for themself...and not being able to say anything must feel like holding your anger inside...that can't be healthy.


Firstly, every persons answers will be subtly different depending on who they are and the kind of Dynamic they are in. My answers however :-

It takes two to tango, in terms of importance to the relationship if either where not there or not fullfilling their part of the relationship it wouldn't work, so on that level both are of equal importance.

However I am the Dominant partner in a TPE Dynamic. My word, My decision is final. The power within the relationship is Mine.

The girl I Own is a human being with thoughts and opinions of her own, if she disagrees then her opinion is listened to, if the point is a valid one then it maybe taken on board, it is just one factor, one of the pieces of information I use to reach a decision, the decision is Mine to make and there is also the likelyhood it won't change a thing. she accepted that in submitting to Me.

It isn't bottled up, it is listened to and given due importance. But wether she agrees or disagrees she has submitted her decisions to Me and once that decision is made she obays it.

quote:

Second set:
With a sub/slave, do you feel that she/he should address you as Master/Sir at all times? For example, if your sub/slave comes in after a long day at work or other such thing, do you feel she should greet you as Master? If so, does this hold true when there are other none lifestyle people around? Do you like your subs/slaves to talk causal with you? Or should it all remain formal? Have you ever had a sub/slave feel they can't be causal around you?


Personaly I don't insist on it at all times. This is lifestyle, there are more relaxed times and more formal times. If and when I invoke a more formal protocol then regardless of who is around she will comply, she trusts My judgement on wether the situation is appropriate.

As for casual... casual yes, disrespectful no. There is plenty of fun and banter within the relationship  but if she starts going too far it doesn't take much to reign her in and back to a non-problematic level.

High protocol/Formality ALL the time maybe work in a play relationship, where the time spent together was limited. But it isn't suitable for MOST that I have encountered on a lifestyle 24/7 basis. But then, the balance between formal and casual is a very subjective thing what one person considers everyday casual another might find confining and formal feeling.


_____________________________

This above all: to thine own self be true,
And it must follow, as the night the day,
Thou canst not then be false to any man.

Owner of metalmiss

(in reply to Othie)
Profile   Post #: 24
RE: just a few newbie questions - 4/11/2008 9:31:36 AM   
AMaster


Posts: 814
Joined: 8/4/2005
Status: offline 		Short answer:  it depends on the people involved, their preferences and the dynamic of the relationship.   We are not all form the same mold.

(in reply to Gemini1766)
Profile   Post #: 25
RE: just a few newbie questions - 4/11/2008 9:34:47 AM   
MasterWilliam55


Posts: 361
Joined: 1/27/2006
Status: offline 		RACK....Risk Aware Consensual Kink. For me at least SSC, Safe Sane Consensual does not describe my activities, and I would hazard a guess that it doesn't descibe the BDSM activities that many have experienced.

(in reply to Gemini1766)
Profile   Post #: 26
RE: just a few newbie questions - 4/11/2008 10:13:10 AM   
AquaticSub


Posts: 14867
Joined: 12/27/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Othie
The first set:
Do you believe that a Dom/sub are equals?

In our relationship, that is how it works.
quote:


I know, or atleast everyone I have asked, will tell me that a Dom's word is "law" or that he has the last word. What happens when the sub/slave feels strongly that they are wrong? I'm guessing they can't say "no, thats not right." but it seems like it would come up with anyone who thinks for themself...and not being able to say anything must feel like holding your anger inside...that can't be healthy.

Actually... I wouldn't say that Val's word is always the end of the discussion. 99 times out of a hundred it is, but sometimes he is just... wrong. Wrong in a way that hinder our relationship or some other goal that we are working towards, and then it is my duty to him to point this out.
quote:


Second set:
With a sub/slave, do you feel that she/he should address you as Master/Sir at all times? For example, if your sub/slave comes in after a long day at work or other such thing, do you feel she should greet you as Master?

Since I'm allowed to speak for my owner..

Nope. In fact, I'm required to not use Master/Sir all the time. His parents picked out a pretty cool name and he likes it. I call him Sir a lot, but I use his given name just as much.
quote:


If so, does this hold true when there are other none lifestyle people around? Do you like your subs/slaves to talk causal with you? Or should it all remain formal? Have you ever had a sub/slave feel they can't be causal around you?

Around non-lifestyle people, I'll still use Sir though less often. It just feels natural and nobody has ever looked at us funny for it, even our parents. We don't do things formally, never have and I highly doubt we ever will. It's just not a way of life that appeals to either of us.

I hope this was helpful! 

_____________________________

Without my dominance you cannot submit. Without your submission I cannot dominate. You are my equal in this, though our roles are different.-Val

It was ok for him to beat me but then he tried to cuddle me! - Me

Member:Clan of the Scarlet O'Hair

(in reply to Othie)
Profile   Post #: 27
RE: just a few newbie questions - 4/11/2008 1:07:09 PM   
SimplyMichael


Posts: 7229
Joined: 1/7/2007
Status: offline 		Many here would call me an asshole, quite a few would say I was arrogant, only a few would say I was a crappy dom.

I make mistakes I have to oppologize for, I am far from perfect.  Being dominant doesn't mean you never have to be wrong because the poor sap you are fucking over hasn't the right to call  you on your shit.

I have always found that the more people focus on how they are always right, the more wrong I tend to find their decisions. 

(in reply to AquaticSub)
Profile   Post #: 28
RE: just a few newbie questions - 4/11/2008 3:00:01 PM   
Othie


Posts: 30
Joined: 3/8/2005
Status: offline 		Thanks again everyone, It sounds like while every is alittle different, most believe that Dom/sub are equal parts of a whole, they are just different parts of that whole, which is what I was hoping for. I've loved reading the different ways everyone sees these questions. You have all helped alot.

(in reply to SimplyMichael)
Profile   Post #: 29
RE: just a few newbie questions - 4/11/2008 3:08:10 PM   
Justme696


Posts: 3236
Joined: 1/7/2008
From: Royal kingdom of the Netherlands
Status: offline
quote:

most believe that Dom/sub are equal parts of a whole, they are just different parts of that whole


that is a nice way to say it

_____________________________

~Been there, done that, got the t-shirt

(in reply to Othie)
Profile   Post #: 30
RE: just a few newbie questions - 4/11/2008 3:59:08 PM   
Focus50


Posts: 3962
Joined: 12/28/2004
From: Newcastle, Australia
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: SimplyMichael

Many here would call me an asshole, quite a few would say I was arrogant, only a few would say I was a crappy dom.

There was once someone named "Crappydom" posting on here - he was probably too crude for the more sanitised qualification of "arrogant" but an arsehole he was...!  ;-)
 
Focus.

_____________________________

Never underestimate the persuasive power of stupid people in large groups. <unknown>

Your food is for eating, not torturing. <my mum> (Errm, when I was a kid)

(in reply to SimplyMichael)
Profile   Post #: 31
RE: just a few newbie questions - 4/11/2008 4:04:31 PM   
SimplyMichael


Posts: 7229
Joined: 1/7/2007
Status: offline 		shhhh don't tell anyone!

(in reply to Focus50)
Profile   Post #: 32
RE: just a few newbie questions - 4/11/2008 4:16:50 PM   
Level


Posts: 25145
Joined: 3/3/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Othie


The first set:
Do you believe that a Dom/sub are equals? Yes.

Or is the sub below the Dom? Only if the dominant is standing on a ladder.

I know, or atleast everyone I have asked, will tell me that a Dom's word is "law" or that he has the last word. What happens when the sub/slave feels strongly that they are wrong? I'm guessing they can't say "no, thats not right." but it seems like it would come up with anyone who thinks for themself...and not being able to say anything must feel like holding your anger inside...that can't be healthy. It can be. But I think part of the "deal" with submissives is that they find a higher degree of fulfillment pleasing the dominant than they would otherwise. Everyone is different, at any rate.

Second set:
With a sub/slave, do you feel that she/he should address you as Master/Sir at all times? No.

For example, if your sub/slave comes in after a long day at work or other such thing, do you feel she should greet you as Master? If so, does this hold true when there are other none lifestyle people around? Do you like your subs/slaves to talk causal with you? Or should it all remain formal? Have you ever had a sub/slave feel they can't be causal around you?

I'm sure these seem like odd questions, but thank you to all who took the time to read and answer them.


_____________________________

Fake the heat and scratch the itch
Skinned up knees and salty lips
Let go it's harder holding on
One more trip and I'll be gone

~~ Stone Temple Pilots

(in reply to Othie)
Profile   Post #: 33
RE: just a few newbie questions - 4/11/2008 4:26:49 PM   
sirsholly


Posts: 42360
Joined: 9/7/2007
From: Quietville
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Othie
a Dom's word is "law" or that he has the last word. What happens when the sub/slave feels strongly that they are wrong? I'm guessing they can't say "no, thats not right." but it seems like it would come up with anyone who thinks for themself...and not being able to say anything must feel like holding your anger inside...that can't be healthy


Why can't i say "no...thats not right?" He did not marry a passive blow-up doll. I feel comfortable saying that He values my opinion and input dispite the fact that i may not agree with Him.  Of course, the delivery style matters. When i disagree with him it is with the respect He deserves.


_____________________________

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TECHNO-DOLT
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GRACEFULLY CHALLENGED :::::splat:::::
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(in reply to Othie)
Profile   Post #: 34
RE: just a few newbie questions - 4/11/2008 4:55:24 PM   
BossyShoeBitch


Posts: 3931
Joined: 1/13/2007
From: South Florida
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: SimplyMichael

shhhh don't tell anyone!

Oh snap!  You mean that was you??

_____________________________

A clever man can get out of situations a wise man never gets into...
A pessimist sees the difficulty in every opportunity; an optimist sees the opportunity in every difficulty.

(in reply to SimplyMichael)
Profile   Post #: 35
RE: just a few newbie questions - 4/14/2008 10:41:03 AM   
ResidentSadist


Posts: 12580
Joined: 2/11/2007
From: a mean old Daddy, but I like you - Joni Mitchell
Status: offline 		Wow, you have been here on these forums since 2005 and this is your first post?  Glad to see you speak up. 
 
Not that we aren't all geniuses here at CM but you may find a large and conflicting variety of opinions on these forums. You might want to check out some of the authors opinions in the books on this book list:
http://www.collarchat.com/m_1726118/mpage_1/key_/tm.htm
 
 
 

_____________________________

-=BDSM Book List=- Reading is Fundamental !!!
I give good thread.

(in reply to Othie)
Profile   Post #: 36
RE: just a few newbie questions - 4/14/2008 12:55:40 PM   
Othie


Posts: 30
Joined: 3/8/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: ResidentSadist

Wow, you have been here on these forums since 2005 and this is your first post? Glad to see you speak up.

Not that we aren't all geniuses here at CM but you may find a large and conflicting variety of opinions on these forums. You might want to check out some of the authors opinions in the books on this book list:
http://www.collarchat.com/m_1726118/mpage_1/key_/tm.htm





Thank you. I did make my profile in 2005 but not long after I had a big scared and hid it and left not only the site but the lifestyle until now. I was pretty surprised to see my account was still there, so I just decided to update it and work on relearning. Thank you for the site, I've been looking for some, but I tend to be wary when it comes to the net unless someone suggests it and has found it helpful.

(in reply to ResidentSadist)
Profile   Post #: 37
RE: just a few newbie questions - 4/17/2008 5:45:49 PM   
Faramir


Posts: 1043
Joined: 2/12/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Othie

This is my first post and I hope I'm not offending anyone with what I type. But I was hoping to get everyone's thoughts on a few newbie questions. That said I'm a true newbie, more of someone who is starting to relearn after leaving the lifestyle because of a scare.

The first set:
Do you believe that a Dom/sub are equals? Or is the sub below the Dom? I know, or atleast everyone I have asked, will tell me that a Dom's word is "law" or that he has the last word. What happens when the sub/slave feels strongly that they are wrong? I'm guessing they can't say "no, thats not right." but it seems like it would come up with anyone who thinks for themself...and not being able to say anything must feel like holding your anger inside...that can't be healthy.

Second set:
With a sub/slave, do you feel that she/he should address you as Master/Sir at all times? For example, if your sub/slave comes in after a long day at work or other such thing, do you feel she should greet you as Master? If so, does this hold true when there are other none lifestyle people around? Do you like your subs/slaves to talk causal with you? Or should it all remain formal? Have you ever had a sub/slave feel they can't be causal around you?

I'm sure these seem like odd questions, but thank you to all who took the time to read and answer them.


1) Unequal in power and position, equal in worth and responsibility.

2) She calls me "Daddy," "Master," and sometimes baby, sweetie, husband, etc.  She calls me "Bill" in front of other people sometimes.  I really couldn't give a fuck about an address protocol--just my preference.

_____________________________

True masters, true subs and slaves, X many years in the lifestyle, Old Guard this and High Protocol that--it's like a convention of D&D nerds were allowed to have sex once, and they decided to make a religion out of it.

(in reply to Othie)
Profile   Post #: 38
RE: just a few newbie questions - 4/17/2008 6:40:55 PM   
SephandElena


Posts: 52
Joined: 4/7/2008
Status: offline 		As my girl is so fond of reminding me.

From a humour site I found once:

Master/Mistress is always right in every shape or form of the word. Except when S/He isn't. It is then the subs duty to inform Him/Her of such in extreme detail to avoid such a thing happening again.


Seph aka Reb.

(in reply to Gemini1766)
Profile   Post #: 39
RE: just a few newbie questions - 4/17/2008 8:36:31 PM   
swtnsparkling


Posts: 1738
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline
quote:

othie
One of my biggest things is that I want a equal relationship, I enjoy submitting, but I would feel very hurt if He thought of me as less then Him,


Now if that is one of your biggest things- don't ya think it would be a good idea to know  Before getting collared?

< Message edited by swtnsparkling -- 4/17/2008 8:38:09 PM >

_____________________________

Never make anyone a priority who treats you as an option 2003

Walk in Peace
A "No" uttered from deepest conviction is better than a "Yes" uttered merely to please



(in reply to Othie)
Profile   Post #: 40
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