Be Yourself! (as long as it's dominant.)

Be Yourself! (as long as it's dominant.) (Full Version)

All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> Ask a Mistress

Message

Stephann -> Be Yourself! (as long as it's dominant.) (4/11/2008 8:41:07 AM)
Hi Ladies, I was talking yesterday with a woman who was active in the swinger community, and we started discussing some of the D/s dynamics that arise naturally there. One of the more common themes seem to be when the guy (in a typical M/F relationship) has a strong desire to see his wife with another man (the only theme more common being the guy wanting to be with two women.) It's so compelling for him, that some men secretly make contact with other men trying to encourage him to 'pick up' the wife at a bar, after he's gotten her tipsy, etc. When he finally confesses it, a lot of the women who ultimately become swingers seem to initially entertain the idea because she knows it will please her husband, more than just enjoying it herself. She finds he enjoys it and sees he's happy, and she enjoys herself to a degree, and voila! A new swinging couple is born. This seems to fit very snugly with what I see amongst male cuckhold situations; the man in question desires to see his wife pleased, in a way that he cannot (or imagines he cannot) please her. Yet he's creating a situation where the woman is expected to enjoy something that she'd either never thought of, or had little interest in. In effect, he's trying to create a situation where he's able to express submission, to a woman who had no interest in dominating. In effect, I'd call this bottoming from the top. I mention the example from a swinger context, but I think it happens to a degree that I don't see nearly as often in male dominant relationships. Do you consider a woman who dominates her husband simply because he expects her to dominate him to be the same as a woman who dominates him naturally? The question's not particularly succinct, but I hope it's worth a thought or three. Stephan

khem -> RE: Be Yourself! (as long as it's dominant.) (4/11/2008 9:05:21 AM)
I'd say it's splitting hairs. Within the complex mess of stuff that goes on in our heads, I think that someone who is doing the activity will go back in forth between enjoyment for themselves and concern for the other's enjoyment. I'd even go so far as to say this happens in a healthy way even in situations where a woman is acting initially not on an expectation. In my own experience, I think I have a certain level of "natural" dominance. It's kind of a defalt level, if you will. It tends to be pretty laid back and doesn't look anything like the "bitch goddess" ideal that exists in the minds of wankers and internet porn. Given an ethusiastic partner, however, this gets amped up a lot more. The act of being with someone who has, as you said, an expectation doesn't always have to be a pushy thing. An expectation can be as simple as a hope and an appropriate level of behavior with an expectation of a result. Some would argue that this is topping from below, but I see it as just adding fuel to the fire. (like for example, your slave crawls over to you and starts trying to give you oral sex without being asked...while it might be her expressing a need and an expectation, it's not always topping from below, and hell, why would you say no...) So the expectation need not make it less natural for the female top. That being said, if she's not that into it and it's not "adding fuel to her fire" and she's still doing it to please him, it's totally topping from the bottom. (or bottoming from the top)

khem -> RE: Be Yourself! (as long as it's dominant.) (4/11/2008 9:12:35 AM)
I also want to add that you might be naturally very dominant, but with a girl like you've got, you can help but be encouraged in a way that is above and beyond. [:D]

Stephann -> RE: Be Yourself! (as long as it's dominant.) (4/11/2008 9:23:23 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: khem I also want to add that you might be naturally very dominant, but with a girl like you've got, you can help but be encouraged in a way that is above and beyond. [:D] And here I thought I could have one serious conversation about group sex, BDSM, domination, and picking up hot girls without having anyone get turned on [;)] I agree, when there's an organic growth to the sexuality of a relationship, it can be a beautiful thing. I'm more or less addressing the issue of when, in an already established and committed relationship, one of the partners decides to change the rules. It happens; people grow and change, certainly, and that needs to be accounted for, but sticking feathers up your partner's butt doesn't make them a chicken. Understandably, I think this does derive from male submissives vastly outnumbering (self-identified) female dominants. When I was in Japan in the Marines, there were 10 males who spoke English to every 1 female. Learning Japanese quickly reduced those odds to a 1 to 1 ratio; it's far easier to land a date if you learn the language. The point I'm driving at, is why would a male submissive try to 'convert' a woman into a female dominant, instead of seeking out a partner who is generally compatible in other ways, and with a dominant personality to begin with. In that kind of situation, when the woman is attracted to the man on other levels, like you, she'll naturally have her dominant (or submissive depending on which side of the fence) tendencies amped. And yeah, char can bring the dominant out in the meekest mouse, methinks [;)] Stephan

thetammyjo -> RE: Be Yourself! (as long as it's dominant.) (4/11/2008 12:23:53 PM)
Personally I'd call someone who tops because their partner wants them to and not because of an innate desire a Top or a Service Dominant. I do know one woman who started out as a Service Dominant and learned to enjoy it so much that I'd call her a Dominant now because she has a nice group of subs who she plays with for her own desires now. I think that what motivates a person is very important but unless that motivation is causing harm to self or others I try not to judge the quality of the actions that result from that motivation. Hope that made sense. I know it is very common for people to get married without being completely honest about what they want sexually or interpersonal dynamic wise but I can't say that I understand that or think it's a good idea. However once one is married or in a couple and finally express their "secret desires" trying to change your partner is one option I'm told.

ShaktiSama -> RE: Be Yourself! (as long as it's dominant.) (4/11/2008 12:36:50 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Stephann Do you consider a woman who dominates her husband simply because he expects her to dominate him to be the same as a woman who dominates him naturally? Short answer: Absolutely not. I really don't care for situations in which men script female sexuality and then insist on defining it as some aspect of the woman's own character--it isn't. If she was ever going to be dominant in the relationship naturally, she would have shown the tendency on her own. The same thing is true of expressing bisexual or lesbian urges, or wanting to sleep with other men for that matter. Dominating someone to fulfill his needs is entirely different than dominating to fulfill my own. I can't speak for everyone, but I find I really need to be there for my own sake. I've seen too many women who obviously feel blackmailed into performing to keep their partner's love and attention--those women are basically prostituting themselves. Buying your partner's love with circus tricks is really not that much different from doing something you hate to make money.

aidan -> RE: Be Yourself! (as long as it's dominant.) (4/11/2008 1:54:37 PM)
Mmmm...no. Not the same, I'd say. I've been with a woman who had some toppish tendencies, but was most comfortable as a submissive. If a person is dominant, it'll come out on their accord. If I have to cajole her, then it's not genuine, and she's not going to enjoy it, and that's not going to be fun for me either.

MySweetSubmssive -> RE: Be Yourself! (as long as it's dominant.) (4/11/2008 3:43:07 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Stephann This seems to fit very snugly with what I see amongst male cuckhold situations; the man in question desires to see his wife pleased, This is a misconception and needs to be corrected. From the 20+ cuckolds whom I have talked to, overwhelmingly most are driven by their own fetish rather than by a need to please -- and sometimes at the expense of the woman's personhood. As expressed by many, it's an ugly thing. (blows kisses to the yummy, well-intentioned cuckolds) As to a woman doing certain acts at the behest of her partner, that cannot, by definition, be domination. (It might be topping.) Domination is about power and intent; the acts are window dressing. If I want my partner to clean the bathroom (naked or otherwise), and he whinges and pesters until I beat his ass instead, is that an act of domination on my part? I don't bloody think so. MSS

Stephann -> RE: Be Yourself! (as long as it's dominant.) (4/11/2008 4:01:48 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: MySweetSubmssive quote: ORIGINAL: Stephann This seems to fit very snugly with what I see amongst male cuckhold situations; the man in question desires to see his wife pleased, This is a misconception and needs to be corrected. From the 20+ cuckolds whom I have talked to, overwhelmingly most are driven by their own fetish rather than by a need to please -- and sometimes at the expense of the woman's personhood. As expressed by many, it's an ugly thing. (blows kisses to the yummy, well-intentioned cuckolds) As to a woman doing certain acts at the behest of her partner, that cannot, by definition, be domination. (It might be topping.) Domination is about power and intent; the acts are window dressing. If I want my partner to clean the bathroom (naked or otherwise), and he whinges and pesters until I beat his ass instead, is that an act of domination on my part? I don't bloody think so. MSS I do apologize if I wasn't succinct enough; When I said that he desired to see his wife pleased, I meant that he desired to see her pleased in a manner that he had fantasized about. You are quite right. Rest assured, if I tell my slave to clean the bathroom, if an ass beating is required, she'll be begging to scrub the floor with her tongue instead before I'm through. Warm regards, Stephan

MySweetSubmssive -> RE: Be Yourself! (as long as it's dominant.) (4/11/2008 4:04:52 PM)
Sorry ... what I meant about the ass beating ... If I want the bathroom cleaned BUT he wants an assbeating instead, it ain't domination if his ass gets beaten -- it's browbeating. My point being that it's not the act per se, but what's behind the act that counts. MSS

MasterFireMaam -> RE: Be Yourself! (as long as it's dominant.) (4/11/2008 4:55:25 PM)
No, I don't consider them to be the same. The intent behind what they are doing is different. It's like saying someone who gives a boatload of money to a cause because they want the tax break is the same as someone who donates because it's an important cause to them. Sort of. Master Fire

TNstepsout -> RE: Be Yourself! (as long as it's dominant.) (4/11/2008 7:10:39 PM)
I think in both situations the man is pressuring the woman to take on a role for his pleasure. In the swinger couple, maybe she does it because she really enjoys it, and maybe she does it because it makes him happy. How long do most of these relationships last? If she is only doing it for his enjoyment, she has to REALLY find satisfaction in making him happy, and he must really be worth it. If she enjoys it too it's probably a little easier, but is it an act of submission? In the swinger couple the guy just likes to share his hot wife. It's all just one big party. In a cuckhold there is a whole complex fantasy involved in sharing the wife/gf/mistress. I personally don't like it and would never get involved in a cuckhold situation. In most cases it's not about the womans pleasure or what she really wants. The cuckhold fantasizes that the woman is an insatiable, promiscuous women who can't get enough and will parade a constant stream of lovers through their home. It's like one loooooong humiliation scene. Is it topping from the bottom? I think so. I think it's all about his fantasy and his fetish. She's just a prop. Now there might be some women who are into this. Maybe they already have a number of regular lovers or maybe they even like to bring home strange men. Maybe they would like the one man at home that caters to her sex life and if that's the case, great. But if you have to "create" that other sex life when it's not your normal way of being or behaving, then once again, she's doing it to please him.

DesFIP -> RE: Be Yourself! (as long as it's dominant.) (4/11/2008 8:14:09 PM)
I'd view someone like that, male or female, as a service top. Someone who's willing to take charge in certain areas just to please their partner who doesn't want control in that area. But who cares? If it works for the couple in question and both of them are happy with the status quo, then that's all that matters.

RumpusParable -> RE: Be Yourself! (as long as it's dominant.) (4/12/2008 2:17:54 AM)
It all comes back to the personal dynamic between them, of course... ...and yes, I'd strongly say that many "cuckold" desires, and hence arrangements, are not at all about the female being dominant. It's a male dominated situation where she is submitting to his fantasy. She's fulling his fantasy, dictated (however sweetly worded) by him... often how he wants it, with what sort of male (if not which male specifically), when, etc. Doesn't make it a bad thing, so long as they're both enjoying it. But it's not the same as a cuckold, female dominant situation where she is choosing to take a lover of her choice, when, where, and how she wants to with him submitting to her decision. Two same ultimate results (woman has sex with some other male), two different people in charge of it, two different things. Again, neither better than the other so long as all enjoy it. However, I do have a personal pet peeve about how many males approach me, and other females, trying to get the first situation while pretending they want the second. It's lying and an attempt to manipulate through lying. I can't tell you how many times I held back from yelling (in voice or type): "If you just want to see me bang another guy, say so! Don't try to pretend it's something else!"... in my single days I'd've been game, and was, for that put to me honestly.

Mustardseed -> RE: Be Yourself! (as long as it's dominant.) (4/12/2008 8:44:34 AM)
In December I wrote a mini-review on another adult site of Leopold von Sacher Masoch's Venus in Furs: quote: By the lesser-known namesake of masochism, this is an oddly chaste novel of fetishism, female domination, bitterness, obsession and pain play. Indeed, I wonder if this book somehow influenced laws that have restricted sadomasochistic practices from being filmed in combination with more commonplace sexual practices. Masoch's tale of young Severin convincing a self-assured woman -- Wanda -- to dress as he pleased and allow him to worship her as her slave seems to be pretty much the basis of most of the common femme domme initial online interactions with potential slaves. Unlike deSade's "take because you can / the weak consent because they allow themselves to stay weak" world of Libertinism, the foundation of Masoch's world seems to be recreating a consenting woman into his own image of a goddess -- not hers. At the end of the novel, Masoch makes a strange turn in commenting that he feels that relationships like Severin's and Wanda's will no longer be necessary once society truly treats women as equals. I am currently learning to top from and am getting my first taste of dominance with a very experienced male submissive, and I'm finding that I have to stop and really think about what I'm doing and why from time to time. This person is a friend and a partner and I do believe in compromise. However, I've gotten better and better at realizing when I'm not into something or am not having fun anymore but seem to keep doing an action simply because I'm already doing it. It's mostly an internal fight from start to finish, but I've also found myself reminding the boy that I'm doing this for me and not for him, and thus demand respect and compliance along with advice and instruction. It's a very weird balancing act but I can't think of a better way for me to secure my place as a dominant: with a trusted friend who is rediscovering his own submission.

undergroundsea -> RE: Be Yourself! (as long as it's dominant.) (4/13/2008 3:06:17 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Stephann Do you consider a woman who dominates her husband simply because he expects her to dominate him to be the same as a woman who dominates him naturally? I think dominance in personality, and dominance as done in BDSM are two independent traits. A woman who dominates naturally can be interpretted to be one who has a dominant or domineering personality, or one who identifies as a domme, or both. I would not say the two types you identify are the same, but I consider the first to also be valid. There are many dommes who came to enjoy dominance or discover this part of self upon being introduced to it by a sub. There are multiple reasons for enjoying dominance and for some one important one is knowing that one is able to take their partner on an exhilirating flight. I think the key question is how the woman feels about it--is she doing it for the sake of her husband and hating it, or is she doing it (or began to do it) for the sake of her husband and is enjoying it. Cheers, Sea

GoddessDustyGold -> RE: Be Yourself! (as long as it's dominant.) (4/14/2008 1:34:34 PM)
~FR~ Cuckolding is probably, IMO, the perfect example. I have often, said, in private email as well as in My group and other boards that the way cuckolding fetishes are approached would be better served as a male dominant manipulating the sex life of his female slave. Most other fantasies about FemDoms and their expected behavior would be viewed in the same way by Me.

Page: [1]

Collarchat.com © 2025

Terms of Service

0.0625