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itzelwing -> RE: How to ask a Sub without her topping from the bottom (10/9/2005 8:51:09 AM)
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I think the overwhelming response so far has been, COMMUNICATE. And I think that's at the core. It is not "topping from the bottom" if she tells you what she likes...especially if you ask her (or order her, if you prefer) to tell you what she wants. So the best thing to do is talk.
If you're interested in knowing how some other folks have handled this, here are some of the things I do with my Kat.
First, we do talk. From the time we first met and started chatting, I have been probing for the things that push her buttons. Listen when she talks about past experiences, what was good, what was bad, etc. There's nothing wrong with recreating the inventiveness of a past dom... borrowing from someone else's bag of tricks. If someone did something that she still talks about, then it was obviously memorable, and if it's within your own limits, you can do it for her too. Personalize it and make it yours.
By listening, I can also derive my own ideas and...hopefully... create for her another experience that she will still be talking about far into the future.
We also talk after a scene. I usually initiate, and ask about how certain things worked for her...especially when it was something new that we've never done before. This has been great in some cases, because unless something is terribly wrong, I know she'd never interrupt a scene to tell me she doesn't like the way I'm hitting, pinching, binding her. And sometimes, even after nine years, I still misread her reactions and think she hates something when she really loves it. The only way to know is to ask. Just do it later, on more neutral ground well after the scene is over. Kat knows she can be honest. I insist on it, so I know if she says she liked something, she really did... and if she didn't like something, she's not just exaggerating or play-acting.
Something else we've done, and this may appeal to you because it is more subtle, is to write BDSM stories or vignettes. While the tale may be 100% fantasy, it's an easy way to unveil some of the deeper desires without her actually asking for them. The submissive mind can be an interesting playground, and getting some of that on paper (or email) is a good way to get ideas for future scenes. As her master, you can order your submissive to keep a journal or write stories for you, which you reserve the right to read at your leisure.
And after all this, remember this thing too. Just because you now know her desires and wants, that doesn't mean you have to ignore your own. It's a two-way street, and you need to get your ya-yas out too. She is, after all, the bottom.
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