Subs searching for a Dom: How long do you wait? (Full Version)

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iwillobeysir -> Subs searching for a Dom: How long do you wait? (4/14/2008 1:30:51 PM)

O.K., I'm unattached.  I'm looking for a Dom.  As a sub, I think that it's my place to make the first contact and begin to make a case as to why a Dom might allow me to serve him.  So, I send a message.  When I do, I purposefully message only one Dom at a time, so that I don't get into a situation of having asked one only to later tell him that I've started to correspond with someone else.

Well, if a Dom doesn't log back in to CM for the next two weeks, I understand that I'm not going to get a reply.

If (as happened in one case) I find out that my message was deleted unread, that tells me what I need to know.

Sometimes, the Dom has logged back in to CM a few times over the next several days, but never opens my message.  I'm not quite sure what to do with that.

But then....how about the Dom that reads my message, and doesn't reply?  I'm beginning to discover that that's more the norm around here than the exception, but my question is, how long do you (I) wait before moving on and trying someone else? 

I mean this:  I imagine that when a Dom opens a totally unsolicited message, and it's a request to get more info toward serving him, that he may not in every case be ready to reply instantly.  He may want to view my profile, and think it over.  But do I wait twenty-four hours?   Three days?  A week?

Or, am I wrong and should I try the "shot-gun" approach:  message a dozen or more at the same time, knowing that the majority will ignore me and hoping that one may reply?




marieToo -> RE: Subs searching for a Dom: How long do you wait? (4/14/2008 1:35:59 PM)

Why not write to as many as you like and see who responds?  Why do you feel like you own a stranger loyalty?  Unless and until someone answers your email and shows interest, you are free to solicit whomever you want. No?



chamberqueen -> RE: Subs searching for a Dom: How long do you wait? (4/14/2008 1:36:32 PM)

I would definitely try more than one at a time if I were you.  Subs outnumber Dom/mes by outrageous numbers.

As a Domme, there are times that I feel like reading all my mail but don't feel like responding to any of it.  This is especially true if I am traveling.  It isn't necessarily that none of it interests me - it is simply that I am in a time crunch.

Also, starting with friendly conversation is a good way.  Instead of saying something along the lines of, "I'm hoping to serve you", or "I'm looking for someone to serve", start with something like, "I really enjoyed your profile", or if they have a photo make reference to something specific that you liked in it.  I am much more likely to respond to subs who treat me respectfully and don't show any sign of neediness initially.

I am also a slave.  I met my Master here on CM.  My first email simply said that I was from His home state but I had never heard of the city He was in, and asked where it was.  Our relationship grew from those two sentences.



Stephann -> RE: Subs searching for a Dom: How long do you wait? (4/14/2008 1:37:04 PM)

Hi there,

Briefly, I strongly suggest the shotgun approach.  You're not expressing undying devotion to a man you've never met; indeed, to assume that you should be devoted to someone you haven't met would even be presumptuous.

I think you're doing an excellent thing in writing men who are appealing to you, and making a case for your service.  In offering your service to more than one man at once, it's still on the dominant to choose to accept your offer to negotiate; once you have agreed not to seek other dominants at his whim, then it would also become your responsibility to write the other men you've been speaking with and politely inform them of your new status.

Essentially, online D/s is on par with looking at someone in a coffee shop; you're allowed to look at more than one person in the coffee shop at a time, until you're in a relationship with someone who says you're no longer permitted that opportunity.

Stephan



RCdc -> RE: Subs searching for a Dom: How long do you wait? (4/14/2008 1:39:13 PM)

My advice is to stop looking for a dominant and start forming relationships with many people.
 
the.dark.



ProfJoe -> RE: Subs searching for a Dom: How long do you wait? (4/14/2008 2:18:29 PM)

You don't owe anyone anything until you've been accepted -- and that should take a Looong time.

Send an offer to serve, sure. But also make sure your profile focuses on what you might have to offer a relationship. (Most that I read are busy telling me to get lost if I'm not prepared to ____________. About as appealing as a rabid dog.) If you got something to sell, say what it is.

As has been suggested, quit looking for a relationshp. They're like cockroaches. If you're looking for them they disappear. It's when you're not looking that they show up. I met My girl on a board where we were talking about our work, not relationshps. 

ProfJoe 



kallisto -> RE: Subs searching for a Dom: How long do you wait? (4/14/2008 2:25:27 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Darcyandthedark

My advice is to stop looking for a dominant and start forming relationships with many people.
 
the.dark.
   
 
Very good advice and I agree with you. 
 
 



DesFIP -> RE: Subs searching for a Dom: How long do you wait? (4/14/2008 2:36:47 PM)

I also preferred to talk to one person at a time. But that takes place after you've started talking.

However, looking at your profile there are a couple of things that may be causing your nonresponse rate. First you seem to be saying no sex and most men I know, straight and gay, want sex. If that isn't what you're saying, then I suggest a clarification and don't put that first. The other thing is that total discretion line, the assumption is that you're married and most people don't want that. Now if you're saying you're in a sensitive business and can't be led on a leash through the mall for fear of being kicked off the town council, that's different. I'd clarify it though.



lusciouslips19 -> RE: Subs searching for a Dom: How long do you wait? (4/14/2008 2:39:42 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Darcyandthedark

My advice is to stop looking for a dominant and start forming relationships with many people.
 
the.dark.

 
Good going .dark
This is the best advice yet.



Poetryinpain -> RE: Subs searching for a Dom: How long do you wait? (4/14/2008 2:41:26 PM)

Not an analogy that holds up throughout, but when you're looking for work, do you send your resume to one company, wait for their response, and when you don't get one, send your resume to another company, and so on, until you get hired? (I hope that's not what one is supposed to do, because I've sent out over 50 to get 3 interviews.)

Don't contact Doms and ask for permission to serve them. Contact them and make comments on their profiles, their photos, their journal entries, or their forum posts. Be friendly rather than servile. Above all, don't lose heart.

pip, did you get my resume? Oops - wrong site



iwillobeysir -> RE: Subs searching for a Dom: How long do you wait? (4/14/2008 2:52:11 PM)

Hi DesFIP:

Good point about the need for discretion.  As a matter of fact, I'm *not* married, and yes, it is about the business I'm in and not being able to be led through the mall on a leash!  But it never occurred to me that I may need to make that clear on the profile.  I'll work on changing it!

Thanks!



daddysliloneds -> RE: Subs searching for a Dom: How long do you wait? (4/14/2008 2:52:40 PM)

try to sound less 'needy' in your approach; jumping right in with the hi, my name is _________, how can i serve you? sounds like something a wanker would send and tends to often get ignored.



spinninsweetness -> RE: Subs searching for a Dom: How long do you wait? (4/14/2008 3:12:14 PM)

As a sub, I ignore the messages that say 'here is how you will serve me' so I assume Doms would'nt like the ones saying how you will serve.

I personally respond to anyone who can spell, has read my profile and makes a comment. Even a one line 'nice smile' or comment on my journal gets more response than a lengthy diatribe on how all powerful Dom is and how weak and puny I am.

But I'm commenting from the wrong side, so feel free to ignore!



GentleMistress5 -> RE: Subs searching for a Dom: How long do you wait? (4/14/2008 3:46:00 PM)

You folks all had wonderful advice!  I'm on the flip side - a Domme searching for just the right boy.  Frankly, I tend to skim right over the emails I get asking Me right off the bat how they can serve Me.  I also shudder and move on when I read about how someone has little or no limits. Yikes!  So... I could poke an icepick into your eye, right?  No problem with that?  That frightens me a little.  I also grow impatient trying to decipher an email when the writer pays no attention to spelling, grammar, typos, etc.  My thinking is that if they care so little, why should I care?

As for the original question, I personally write a small handful of people at a time, asking individualized questions, then if it appears there is no fit, I write to some more.  I agree wholeheartedly that you do not "owe" anyone anything at this stage.  You are a free submissive with every write to look for what you need.

Good luck in your search!

Gentle Mistress



GentleMistress5 -> RE: Subs searching for a Dom: How long do you wait? (4/14/2008 3:48:20 PM)

hmmm... Okay... so... I'm new here... but... "vanilla"?  How did I become vanilla?  I obviously need to take a few minutes to figure out this site!



goodpet -> RE: Subs searching for a Dom: How long do you wait? (4/14/2008 3:58:18 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: GentleMistress5

hmmm... Okay... so... I'm new here... but... "vanilla"?  How did I become vanilla?  I obviously need to take a few minutes to figure out this site!


Hee hee, that has to do with how many posts you make.. it changes the more you make.


To the OP,  (orginal poster)

Please stop just trying to find a Dom and take time to learn and get to know people in the lifestyle..

if you need to fill the " i want to serve itch ", try volunteering at the local munches, events, clubs, and SIGs in the area.  Talk to people and get to know all the different kind of Doms, Tops, Masters, Switches, Subs, and Slaves.. how can you know what you want until you learn about all the possibilites? 

Don't go jumping in too fast when you do meet someone, get to know them. Any Dom who wants to collar or want control the first few weeks of meeting someone new is a red flag..

Join the local scene and learn, volunteer, serve in groups and you will find that right person someday.. take you time..



lronitulstahp -> RE: Subs searching for a Dom: How long do you wait? (4/14/2008 4:00:26 PM)

hmmm...how long will i wait?  Well if i want just any dom i suppose i take the first one i can jump on...but if i want the Dominant that is just right for me...however long it takes.  i feel no obligation to be submissive to any guy who says he's a Dom...and i believe in having Doms as friends.  i don't wanna serve, "do"  or blow every Dom i know.  Some guys are just cool for talking, giving advice, or bouncing around ideas with.  If you were seeking a vanilla partner, woud you marry the first guy who smiled at you in line at Starbucks?  i hope not.  Be choosy...maybe play or have some fun along the way...frenzy is not your friend.



Ebonybbw -> RE: Subs searching for a Dom: How long do you wait? (4/14/2008 4:22:15 PM)

"You never put all your apples in one basket..."  "First come, first serve"  meaning... if you contact several or many doms and one becomes quite interesting and you two decide you will serve him.. well, he will be the first to be served out of many who had the same opportunity to present as the ideal dom...



adoracat -> RE: Subs searching for a Dom: How long do you wait? (4/14/2008 4:42:16 PM)

i guess i'm a little back-assward.  i put out a profile with a little basic information, and a picture, and i had dominants filling my email....as i talked with each one, i found things that i did and didnt like and so narrowed down the list of prospective dominants that i thought i might connect with.

and one, i finally did.  we've been together just over a year now.

kitten



BRNaughtyAngel -> RE: Subs searching for a Dom: How long do you wait? (4/14/2008 4:46:00 PM)

My friend Robin is always saying.... "we fish from a very small pond." and she is right about that.  People everywhere have a hard time finding someone to form a healthy relationship with, so it's not just those seeking these types of relationships.  But looking for someone who fits a more detailed criteria (dominant, submissive, sadist, masochist, etc) eliminates huges chunks of the population, so it's gonna be even harder.

If there is an active, friendly community near you, get involved.  That's where I met my Master and I wasn't even looking.... and neither was He! 

Never give up.... just don't focus on finding someone. 

Good luck to you and everyone else that hopes to find their someone special.



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