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RE: Doms interacting with other Doms - 4/18/2008 1:37:57 PM

DesFIP

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quote:

ORIGINAL: sirguym

The people whose company I avoid are those ... who judge others without knowing the background and circumstance of a person's life and without first judging themselves even more harshly.

You really think you need to know someone's background in order to use good manners? Because I don't.

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RE: Doms interacting with other Doms - 4/18/2008 3:58:39 PM

Kyrris

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I think that, as others have said, you're conflating two different things and trying to invent a correspondence between them. Or, because of surface similarities, you don't realize they -are- different. The answers already given address the matter fairly well, but I think there's a boundary that deserves to be highlighted and explored.

When you speak of "dominant energy", the closest I understand your meaning is, "the active desire to control both sides of one's interactions with everyone around, and the social acumen to do it." If I'm not totally wrong in that understanding, then I think your original supposition is perfectly accurate. People with differing, high, levels of those qualities are almost certainly going to dance around one another awkwardly for a time whenever they meet, and as often as the established order seems to be in jeopardy. And those people with more desire but less acumen are certain to resent the person who succeeds over them in the zero-sum game they're always playing.

I don't feel, though, that this active, demanding, unspecific urge is at all more prominent in bdsm circles than in the population at large. We may be more explicit in recognizing it, sure, but more prone to it? Perhaps you've found evidence; I have absolutely not. If it helps, consider the reverse half of the axis you've described. Does it seem that most submissives feel compelled to kowtow and oblige everyone they meet?

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RE: Doms interacting with other Doms - 4/21/2008 10:35:09 PM

WhiteFox77

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I've had this happen to me. I always thought it was related to confidence. Most of the life-style dominants I've known were people very comfortable with them selves and very confident in them selves. As far as I've been able to tell most of the U.S. really isn't ready to deal with people that are truely self confident. People that are comfortable with them selves, and don't require the approval of those around them don't seak it out. That makes many people uncomfortable, or even upsets them. They are used to the people the meet trying to impress them. If someone doesn't try to impress them it makes them feel less important.

< Message edited by WhiteFox77 -- 4/21/2008 10:39:54 PM >

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RE: Doms interacting with other Doms - 5/11/2008 6:52:08 PM

Talthas

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As someone who has not always been an "alpha male" personality, I feel that i can contribute a somewhat unique perspective to this discussion.

I have spent most of my life being shoved into the "beta" role by aggressive, overbearing assholes and other people who feel that it is necessary to "prove their manhood" at others' expense. They call this "being an alpha male." And in a sense, it is; they are demonstrating superiority and strength publicly and forcing others to acknowledge it. It is the sort of power that comes from conflict and must always conquer in order to exist. If a person like this does not continue to actively assert his dominance, for some reason he tends to fade out of the picture. This type of person expresses dominance by 1) actively opposing and subjugating any form of resistance, or the possibility of it; or 2) constantly asserting his will so forcefully and pervasively that anyone who is not willing to exert the same amount of force just doesn't feel it's worth the effort.

There is another type of person, though, that can also be rightly called Alpha. This is a person, much as IronBear described, who has a stillness of spirit and a deep inner constancy. A person who is in command of himself absolutely and is completely aware of his capabilities and limitations, as well as being true to his morals and ethics, can effortlessly and consistently find himself in the dominant role in a room without even trying. Such people draw upon a well of inner strength instead of using the energy generated by conflict to fuel their social interactions. These people tend to assert their dominance by 1) winning people over and making them *want* to follow, or 2) by demonstrating excellence and inspiring the respect that is due a Master.

The effect when these two types of "alpha" personality come into conflict can be likened to a river as it flows around a large, stable, solid boulder. In short, there is "alpha," and there is Alpha.

I know which I prefer to be.

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RE: Doms interacting with other Doms - 5/12/2008 9:06:26 AM

RavenMuse

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I don't find that problem in the slightest... but then I'm mostly dealing with other Dominants within the scene where protocol and Dynamic is clearer than from 'alpha vanilla' types. There is no clash over toe stepping because what is Mine is Mine, what is Theirs is Theirs and that is respected. I have Many Dominant aquaintences. Both Masters and Mistresses and no friction stemming from our respective 'Dominant natures'. We maybe have differing Dynamics but there is much mutual respect.

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RE: Doms interacting with other Doms - 5/12/2008 9:11:56 AM

RavenMuse

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Darcyandthedark
Personally I believe that Doms/Masters should behave courteously not only to their peers, but also to their peers' property, whether they be Sub, Slave, or whatever label they wish to adhere to themselves. Just my two cents.

I'd go one stage further... how You treat someone You Own is one thing but EVERYONE else comes into the same catagory... people You DON'T Own and baseline respect applies... unless that person does something to show that respect would be misplaced.... doesn't matter to Me if someone is Domme or sub.. if they are not Mine.... assuming they are treating Me and Mine with respect they get baseline respect in return.

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RE: Doms interacting with other Doms - 5/12/2008 9:30:03 AM

BrigandDoom

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I've never felt that as I'm a Dom it has given me the excuse or entitlement to expect anyone else, other than my collared sub or slave, to show submission or treat me with anything other than mutual respect. I don't expect other Dom/mes subs/slaves to treat me as a superior unless they are ordered to do so, nor would I either. Irrespective of our considered station in life we are all human and we all have equal rights. I have had one or two pompus prats moaning that my girl didn't show due deference and my answer has always been, "you her Master?" and then "well if you don't like, lump it!" I personally believe people who think and act like that are just plain bullies and deserve nothing but my contempt. I generally find my stance is the same as most of the other Dom/mes, sub and slaves I know and meet on a regular basis.

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RE: Doms interacting with other Doms - 5/12/2008 10:26:17 AM

Lynnxz

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I think you are just more likely to run into the domly-dom types if you attend certain munches and things. I remember attending one with a friend of mine... there was a SUPERALPHA guy there who was trying to top the subs, the tops around him, and even the waitress, who took none of his crap and told him he needed to settle down. He was charging around the restaurant with his plate of spaghetti or something, telling everyone, "They said it was spicy, but they didn't say it'd be this spicy!"

Some guys will just always have something to prove. Just ignore them, getting into spats with them, while entertaining, is only encouraging bad behavior.

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RE: Doms interacting with other Doms - 5/15/2008 2:16:52 AM

Wolfie648

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[First off, I'm a very empathetic individual,]

grats.

[what is the typical interaction between Doms?]

/sigh depends - no not the diapers.

[Do there tend to be issues of competition, possessiveness, etc?]

/sigh depends

[ Are there social "rules" in the lifestyle about interaction to keep that from occurring? I know that D/D relationships are out there. How does that work? ]

see above.

[Thanks, from a curious sub! ]

anything to help out.

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RE: Doms interacting with other Doms - 5/15/2008 7:06:40 AM

Duskwolf

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Hmm... I can possibly add a few things in my rambling state... Though they may make little sense.

I personally don't clash with any of my Dom friends... between myself and one of my good friends, there is an unspoken equality, we're that similar in most aspects of life and personality that we've never needed to speak about the subject to know where we stand with each other. Only recently we've started talking more about the BDSM aspect of our lives, mainly just as an avenue of conversation we haven't yet covered... I don't clash with any of them in that sense.

However, I have to assume that I come across somehow to people Vanillas differently...
A lot of vanillas I've met recently have clearly felt threatened or put on edge by me, for whatever their reasons.
To the point where some of them feel they need to try and prove themselves against me, causing clashes, usually verbal, Oddly enough 90% of the physical clashes have started with them questioning what I would do if they were to start a fight with me, and usually gone no further than my reply, which never changes... the other 10% are usually based on someone being drunk and deciding that I'm some sort of threat.

I have no real explaination for what causes that reaction with Vanillas, and yet doesn't with my Dom friends, But there you go.
Make of that what you will/can.

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RE: Doms interacting with other Doms - 5/15/2008 7:47:47 AM

Talthas

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Duskwolf:

One of the important questions to ask at this point is, "What is your reply when people decide to question what you would do if they were to start a fight with you?" That could be a very good reason people would be creeped out, depending on your answer.

Also, how do you respond to people starting "clashes" with you? Do you notice any changes in your behavior with someone you know or believe to be a "vanilla?" Perhaps you, on some level, perceive them as weaker or somehow "less" because they can't or choose not to follow the same lifestyle choice of Dominance that you do.

Just a few things to think about...

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RE: Doms interacting with other Doms - 5/15/2008 8:22:03 AM

Duskwolf

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My answer is always, in some form or another "If you feel that you really need to find out what I would do, then do so." Which is partially a test of their conviction, and partially a test to see whether they think it's worth fighting someone for the sake of it, which to me, is a pointless task.

The second point, I'll split in two.
I treat everyone equally essentially... In the sense that I'll treat another person the way they wish to be treated, providing the same courtesy is extended to me.
I don't look at people and judge them based on their dominance or lack thereof, I base what I make of a person on what they tell me, and what I observe.
I don't perceive anyone weaker than me in any particular sense, where I have strengths, they may not, but they will have a strength in an area that I don't... Presumably.

My standard way of dealing with verbal conflict is to diffuse it either by leaving them with no further point to argue, or by debating the subject till they have to resort to name calling and swearing at me.. usually the person who reaches that point first has run out of arguement.

Depending on the type of conflict, humour can help too.. but that also depends on who the person is.. I'll not be taken as a fool because I use humour to diffuse a verbal conflict....
It's a case of different situations calling for differing responses... Generally I pick my responses well, and I do little to provoke anything...
generally speaking, if I was doing anything to provoke things like that, I'd say I speak too little for most people and it unnerves them.

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RE: Doms interacting with other Doms - 5/15/2008 4:22:35 PM

SleepyDom

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I beat up every Dom that I come across just because I need to prove to everybody that I'm alpha ... heheh just kidding. Really, I don't think it's so much Dom/Dom thing or even alpha/alpha thing, but perhaps more of a personality crash or the situation. Doms and alphas can get along very well if they're respectful. On the other hand, even a Dom and a sub will get on each others' nerves if they're not respectful. Sometimes even generally respectful people can get on each others' nerves just because of the situation--one gets offended at some harmless thing the other says and starts the ball rolling on the disrespect. And of course bullies and arrogant people will always get on other people's nerves which has nothing to do with dominance.

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RE: Doms interacting with other Doms - 5/16/2008 7:08:07 PM

Huntertn

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I've had dom friends that ,while we did many things together{hunting,fishing,.camping,partying,at times we were at odds..then one or all of us would go home..the next time we met the air was clear again the social Man knows his place in his world, and little things really doesn't bother him that much..its the ones that don't..they are the ones that Just have to do the One-up thing..{reminds me of two little boys pisssing over the side of a boat"I can pisser farther and longer than you can" kind of thing..} So as long as it doesn't bother me I just pass them by..then Only thing I have to prove....is to myself.lol, and I hope I am pass all that.....

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RE: Doms interacting with other Doms - 5/21/2008 8:46:33 AM

masterlink65

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i tend to see it more as ego's clash. self confidence and ego are two different things. when two well grounded doms meet they can get along just fine most times, and have quite a bit in common and are able to talk. people with low self asteem that hide behind big ego usually are these "alpha" types they like to call themselves, but usually lacking in self confidence and social obligation tends to get in the way.

this may or may not apply to every situation, just a personal observation on this topic.

as far as social rules go. politeness and common courtesies are usually returned when given. things like respect are more often earned than demanded.

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RE: Doms interacting with other Doms - 5/21/2008 10:37:39 AM

pettingdragons

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Lynnxz
Some guys will just always have something to prove. Just ignore them, getting into spats with them, while entertaining, is only encouraging bad behavior.

/\ thats called "Domtromping" LOL

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RE: Doms interacting with other Doms - 5/21/2008 10:47:00 AM

LadyHugs

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Dear SovereignSlave, Ladies and Gentlemen;

In reading your original post, it really comes to mind that there is no difference in interacting with the vanilla world and the lifestyle and or BDSM world; as personalities of the individual is what one has to deal with. If the insecurities, the egos and the 'attention vampires' individuals are in any of these communities the results would be the same and--the foolish one is the person who does not recognize that they are behaving in a toxic manner.

Dominating power is not the need to be domineering and or 'total control' and or micro-management and or the warden/guard personality. I do wish to say though; it takes people some time to recognize where the true power comes from in BDSM and or D/s and or M/s. The power comes from within and being honest with 'self' first.

That said, there are factors to the posturing; which seemingly is 'sexual' in nature. In areas where Gays assemble, there is often 'sizing up' others. Those who know that physical is not always the epitome of quality of character; will often see the secure individuals regardless of how attractive--will just attract by just being themselves and transmit that security.

In having many Dominant friends--the interactions are usually with Old Leather/Old School dominants to which we came up in the system where mutual respect is necessary and expected. Now days, though respect is necessary--it is not always expected or given/received.

IronBear mentioned in his post; that serving in some 'military' service and will add perhaps, para-military service; where it is required of said personnel to interact and count on one another, as one's life depended on it--the comradship of 'arms' is everlasting to which those have never served where duty, service, honor, responsibility, accountability, co-operation on joint mission and or joint operations of other involved services and or nations; have not 'realized' that regardless of seniority of rank as an officer or non-commissioned officer--even soldiers/Marines/sailors/air-force --in the end--we fight for one another as to get home alive. This dependency and the accustomed 'discipline' and 'authority' structures are familiar--to those not serving, have to learn it. Just as officers have to earn their promotions, so do those in the lifestyle by 'earning' their leathers. By being honest to themselves--all individuals will find, that they do not have to make themselves 'ugly' in tone and or behavior in being a dominant/alpha.

I pay more attention the the quiet ones. Their plots and plans are not known--the loud ones give away the entire operation per se.

Just some thoughts.

Respectfully submitted for consideration,
Lady Hugs

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RE: Doms interacting with other Doms - 5/21/2008 10:53:25 AM

Owner4SexSlave

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I tend to kick back, have something to drink, eat a pretzel, watch the off the wall pissing matching over nothing go down. Hell, I might slip a thought or word in here and there. It's kind of like pushing buttons, you know. Quiet fun and entertaining at times. Like pulling the string on some toy. Or winding it up and letting it go. All without them really realizing what is going on. If they do and I'm confronted about, I'll sit and be calm and collected about it. Think that frustrates them cause they are wanting to fight. I'll take a slip of my drink, another bite of the pretzel, Hell.. I'll might offer them a pretzel and express that I'm not interested in fighting. Even more so when it's nothing to really fight about to begin with.

In terms of the Doms I actually respect and enjoy, good honest debates, think tanking happens. Two heads at work making the best of things.

< Message edited by Owner4SexSlave -- 5/21/2008 10:57:24 AM >

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RE: Doms interacting with other Doms - 5/21/2008 10:56:28 AM

Justme696

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people are people..they come in all kinds..you find them here..you find them there

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RE: Doms interacting with other Doms - 5/21/2008 11:15:00 AM

Owner4SexSlave

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In all honestly, I don't think much about these things in terms of being only limited to DOMs... some people get Creeped out, as you decribe it, over small stupid things. At times, I simply try to ignore it unless it's a result of my own interactions with somebody. I try to continue to ignore it, unless it starts to become an issue. Perhaps I might spin them up for fun, perhaps I might be directly serious and ice the situation. It all depends upon my own mood at the time. One thing is for certain, if I myself respond in the same like manner, a fight is going to break out. Now, I have been point blank on this one at times too. Leave me alone, get out of myspace, I'm not looking for a fight. I don't want anything to do with you or your issues you are having. I might ask them point blank why they are acting or behaving the way that they are. It all depends. situational type of stuff. Often it's not even worth my time.

I'm the kind of guy that will ask somebody who's wanting to kick my ass, why exactly they want to kick my ass, and if I could please borrow their cell phone for a moment to make a phone call. Please don't let that throw you off. Yes, I actually got to use his cell phone and yes, he explained himself, and he actually admitted that he was putting on a show to impress somebody else.

I enjoy Engaging in Good Conversation, even smart ass remark conversations with DOMs that have Good Dispositions.

< Message edited by Owner4SexSlave -- 5/21/2008 11:20:41 AM >

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