When a slave hates something...

When a slave hates something... (Full Version)

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sslaveO -> When a slave hates something... (4/15/2008 5:49:45 PM)
Do you think it is not submissive for a slave to seek a Dom/me who doesn't particularly do or like an activity that said slave doesn't like? For example, say a slave doesn't enjoy a lot of sexual acts themselves. Would it be not so submissive to turn down a Dom/me who wants a lot of intimate sex from their slave? Or if a slave thinks golden showers are gross, the slave wouldn't say no, but the slave looks for a Dom/me who isn't into g/s on a regular basis, does that make the person not so much a slave? These are just two random examples by the way, not per se particular to me (in case one was wondering).

Real_Trouble -> RE: When a slave hates something... (4/15/2008 5:52:52 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: sslaveO Do you think it is not submissive for a slave to seek a Dom/me who doesn't particularly do or like an activity that said slave doesn't like? For example, say a slave doesn't enjoy a lot of sexual acts themselves. Would it be not so submissive to turn down a Dom/me who wants a lot of intimate sex from their slave? Or if a slave thinks golden showers are gross, the slave wouldn't say no, but the slave looks for a Dom/me who isn't into g/s on a regular basis, does that make the person not so much a slave? These are just two random examples by the way, not per se particular to me (in case one was wondering). Everyone has a right to their personal preferences and limits; there is a tension in BDSM between what a Dom wants and what a slave is willing to do / enjoys. There is no pat answer here. Everyone will have to find the balance that works for them, but having limits and preferences is hardly "unsubmissive". There is a C in SSC for a reason, after all.

mbes -> RE: When a slave hates something... (4/15/2008 5:58:08 PM)
In my book, having preferences makes you human, not dom or sub. And smart, if you look for a person you match well before setting up camp with anyone.

Smoothicen -> RE: When a slave hates something... (4/15/2008 6:03:31 PM)
There is nothing wrong with knowing what you want and going after it...slave or otherwise. Everyone seeks compatibility and you'd be doing yourself and your master a serious diservice if you know that you're mis-matched yet choose to be their slave anyway.

CMastersen -> RE: When a slave hates something... (4/15/2008 6:03:33 PM)
I find that most everyone has thier own definition of slave and Master and everyting in BDSM and possible in Life! I my book many who say they are a slave mean sub. That is the way English is, and also what makes English so flexiable. I try to determine and make clear as early as possible just what I mean by Master and slave so that no one is expecting one thing and finds another which just waste My Time! :( :)

metalmiss -> RE: When a slave hates something... (4/15/2008 6:05:31 PM)
If you have personal preferences or limits, then it is your right as a human being to seek a person who fits what you are looking for.. Otherwise you would only really be faced with incompatibility issues long term in my opinion. i certainly wouldn't imagine that it's "unsubmissive" .. my Master's limits match my own quite closely, no suprise there.. If He had been into something that i disliked enough to "hate" then this relationship is not one that i would have persued.

AMaster -> RE: When a slave hates something... (4/15/2008 6:08:39 PM)
There is nothing wrong with having preferences.

SimplyMichael -> RE: When a slave hates something... (4/15/2008 6:09:15 PM)
What sort of dominant would want someone with no standards and who would submit to a firehydrant if it had its first letter capitalized...

dodedo -> RE: When a slave hates something... (4/15/2008 6:19:25 PM)
It's like asking if a person is not really a slave if they're not attracted to another self identified slave... does it make them less submissive to avoid a person who would insist on being dominated themselves?

DesFIP -> RE: When a slave hates something... (4/15/2008 6:42:11 PM)
I have never subscribed to the theory that you prove yourself submissive by doing tons of stuff you hate. But I prefer a win-win situation where we both wind up happy at the end of the day. And for me, that requires a lot of compatibility. We're compatible in lots of ways, from being animal lovers to playing mini golf. From preferring bondage and having very little interest in s & m. We like the same kind of books and most of the same kinds of food. Our major incompatibility issue is that he likes to watch CSI before bedtime and if I watch it, I'm afraid to go to sleep. He'll snooze on the sofa while it's on while I need to stay up with the lights on after. I admit it, I'm a wuss. He watches it without me as a result.

Leatherist -> RE: When a slave hates something... (4/15/2008 6:52:29 PM)
That's pretty much how it happens. People don't state hard limits because they WANT to do them.

sslaveO -> RE: When a slave hates something... (4/15/2008 7:18:35 PM)
I am not talking about someone just jumping and serving the first emailer. I am talking about an intelligent slave who seeks out the right Dom/me and situation for him/her. I also am talking about a slave who is seeking to be a completely owned slave and is controlled in every facet of his/her life. Hard limits stated... some things are not a hard limit but are completely undesirable to the slave.

LaMspeach -> RE: When a slave hates something... (4/15/2008 7:52:34 PM)
Does wanting some one with similar likes and dislikes make me less of a slave? I don’t think so, it just makes me a smart women. Master and I both put a great deal of effort into getting to know each other and the result has been a 4 year M/s relationship. The BDSM limits weren’t as important to me a basic values, such as UMs come first. I also learned early on that BDSM limits change and evolve as time and once trust is built. There were something’s that weren’t limits but I had awful fears of and they were totally undesirable to me; like needles smiles Master hates any kind of Medical play.

LuckyAlbatross -> RE: When a slave hates something... (4/15/2008 8:05:58 PM)
If it's not ok to decide who to get into a relationship to, you'd be forced to be with the first person who would take you in- no matter whether they were dominant, or sexual or anything. The fact that you get to choose anything shows you can choose everything. That's that whole informed consent thing.

IronBear -> RE: When a slave hates something... (4/15/2008 8:31:16 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: sslaveO Do you think it is not submissive for a slave to seek a Dom/me who doesn't particularly do or like an activity that said slave doesn't like? For example, say a slave doesn't enjoy a lot of sexual acts themselves. Would it be not so submissive to turn down a Dom/me who wants a lot of intimate sex from their slave? Or if a slave thinks golden showers are gross, the slave wouldn't say no, but the slave looks for a Dom/me who isn't into g/s on a regular basis, does that make the person not so much a slave? These are just two random examples by the way, not per se particular to me (in case one was wondering). When you commence a relationship with anyone in and out of the kink dynamic or “lifestyle”, I would hope that and logic indicates, you do so with the highest expectations. If your expectations are of a successful relationship and happiness, then surly it is reasonable that you will choose a partner with similar interests, objectives and likes/dislikes of your own. If your expectations are failure and misery, why then you simply choose a partner who opposes all you venerate and believe in. If you disclose to your potential partner, before any agreements are entered into, your fears and “hates” it is up to them to take this on board and choose if you are right for them too…. . Iron Bear Master of Bruin Cottage (A Victorian Lifestyle poly home) "I judge a Man by what I see him do and not by what others tell me he does." (Captain Sir Edward Pellew of the HMS Indefatigable to Midshipman Hornblower ~ C.S. Forrester)

DiurnalVampire -> RE: When a slave hates something... (4/15/2008 8:41:00 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: sslaveO Do you think it is not submissive for a slave to seek a Dom/me who doesn't particularly do or like an activity that said slave doesn't like? If a slave has limits, then seeking out someone who requires thos activities thet are the slaves limits would be counterproductive. When you are seeking out a partner, you want to find someone you fit, and having similiar interests is part of that. If one partner (D or s) hates something the other loves, they either have to live with not doing it, or limp along with the other partner merely humoring them when they do so. I'd prefer to find someone who enjoys what I want, rather than someone who is willing to humor me and play along. DV

CalifChick -> RE: When a slave hates something... (4/15/2008 8:52:28 PM)
FR~~ I get what you're saying. You think if you guide the choices, you are not being submissive or slave-like (slaverly?). I think what you're looking for is a good balance. For instance, I have certain fears and phobias that I do not like having. I want someone that I can trust enough to explore those fears. But it cannot be someone that insists we do that thing right away, every single time we're together. That's not exploring a fear; that's terrorizing me. You have to choose someone that is compatible enough with you to suit you, that can help you be the best person you can be. One of my likes is frequent sexual intercourse. I am unhappy when I'm in a relationship and I'm not getting that. Should I seek out a relationship that is guaranteed to cause me frustration in that area? Good lord no, I've had enough of that to last an entire lifetime. Does that make me unsubbly? No, I think that means that I am smart enough to identify something that I need and to seek that out in a person. I know that when I have been unhappy because I wasn't getting enough, then the guy certainly wasn't happy either. I'd rather go for the win-win than the lose-lose. Cali

softpjOS -> RE: When a slave hates something... (4/15/2008 8:59:25 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: sslaveO I also am talking about a slave who is seeking to be a completely owned slave and is controlled in every facet of his/her life. Hard limits stated... some things are not a hard limit but are completely undesirable to the slave. What I'm taking from this quote is you're asking about boundries being pushed and what if you discover it's not just something you don't like but something you find yourself completely repulsed by? Again, it comes back to honest, clear comminucation and consent. Within my relationship, Mistress had me fill out this impossibly long check list of activities. I mean a LONG list. Many of the things on that list i had no idea what they were, some i listed as umm ok, i'll try it, others i said oh HELL no! The only hard limits i listed were things that i felt crossed moral lines with me. Years later, Mistress had me look at that list again and compare my answers then to now. What an eye opener. Many things i said "Oh hell no" to are now "special treats" lol. Some things i truly thought i'd be ok with are (for now) off limits. As the relationship grows, trust builds and you find yourself willing to try new things, things you swore you'd never want to try. And you may discover things you can't handle. No matter how a new experience works out, you must be willing and able to communciate your feelings on it. Nothing is set in stone unless you allow it to be.

littlebitxxx -> RE: When a slave hates something... (4/15/2008 11:39:13 PM)
Most would call it pre-collaring negotiations. But there are myriad little things that a slave may dislike intensely that just don't come up in discussion. People can't be expected to think of just everything all the time. I would probably have a clause in my contract or something that intense dislikes are open for discussion at the time and that no, sometimes the Dom may not have the last decision in the matter. It's the niggly little details that can bite you in the ass. After all, if a Dom can be released from being "on" all the time, so can a slave/sub. And there are some days, the "on" switch is broken.

RavenMuse -> RE: When a slave hates something... (4/16/2008 2:31:07 AM)
Before she is Owned she Owes nobody anything, she is not theirs. Like everyone else she seeks compatability, whatever critiria she used to try and find that compatability is upto her. Whether others think she is right or wrong in doing so is of no consequence as bottom line, she is only accountable to anyone else once she submits and then only to Them.

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