RE: Converting nilla guys? (Full Version)

All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> Ask a Mistress



Message

LadyHibiscus -> RE: Converting nilla guys? (4/16/2008 7:58:23 PM)

Okay, I am agreeing with SFM........eeeh!  (check the basement for pods! <G>)

Seriously, if you are a perv, you are a perv.  It's there, or it isn't.  You can help a person develop a quality they already have, or expand their horizons into areas they hadn't considered, but you can't make a person a sub who isn't one on some level.  What do we tell all these men who want to make their women dominant?  That they are dreaming, and they can't make her into someone she is not, only coerce her into performing.

Now I thank you for the giant LOL about the guy who complained about the biting!  He wouldn't have gotten to a second date with me, obviously..... and gentlemen are a fading species, but they are there, and in all age groups and backgrounds.  A person doesn't have to be wealthy or from a certain social class to be well brought up, he or she just needs to be taught from an early age. 

What do you want from a bdsm relationship?  Kinky sex?  Look back at Akasha's excellent post.  If you want someone to be your servant/submissive, you might have luck in vanilla circles, but adding the kink will be an issue. 



SixFootMaster -> RE: Converting nilla guys? (4/16/2008 8:25:05 PM)

*blows you a kiss*

Was it good for you too? [sm=goodpost.gif][sm=mistress.gif]

[sm=yahoo.gif]

Six.



LadyHibiscus -> RE: Converting nilla guys? (4/16/2008 8:35:11 PM)

[sm=preen.gif]Yes, it was, thanks!



khem -> RE: Converting nilla guys? (4/16/2008 9:12:16 PM)

I think I am being overly picky in what I want actually.  I'm rethinking things now.  I've had various aspects in different relationships before, but not all at once... I want a TPE style relationship (the kind with a few limits, not the crazy kind) with someone that is service oriented but also a masochist that enjoys playing.  Yeah yeah, I want it all [:D]  



midgetmafiosa -> RE: Converting nilla guys? (4/16/2008 9:15:04 PM)

khem, it sounds like you know what you really want. don't settle! it's difficult to find, but you'll be much happier if you aren't constantly trying to put yourself or others into boxes they don't belong in.



imknotsubtle -> RE: Converting nilla guys? (4/17/2008 2:26:31 AM)

khem....we have all been rejected at some point.That is part of the growth process we have to unfortunately endure.Some of us handle it better than others.But as a submissive,i canhonestly say i have dealt with a few flakes of my own.At 55..my D/s relationship clock is running out.I am tired of the games and the idiotic questions...such as "can any of you sluts answer this simple question,what is the difference between a sub and a slave"??Thing is you answer such a question to the best of one's ability and there is no response.I am also sick and tired of Dominas who say they are under no obligation to answer any e-mails sent to them.Well..i have news for yas..if you are truly seeking,then if you want my respect,answer the damn e-mail!!It doesn't matter if there is a rejection..just take the time to answer a well thought out inquiry.Now y'all may think i am topping from the bottom,but subs become just as frustrated at the process.Not every sub is interested in play every second of the day and showing his lower anatomy and oh well..pick something idiotic we have all been accused of.That to me is the problem in a nutshell...the complainers are grouping all us into one band of pathetic losers and so we get the Spanish Inquistion just to talk with someone........ fraking ridiculousAs for you..keep trying..i am.



Politesub53 -> RE: Converting nilla guys? (4/17/2008 3:08:26 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: khem

I guess I should restate that to read "I honestly do not see how I could communicate what I want to a nilla guy ... without having him run as fast as possible"  [:D]  


Some of us are smart enough not to run Ma`am [;)]

Darch, your remark about doing the dishes reminded me of a funny comment. "If you cant find the dish washwer then you ARE the dish washer"



LadyPact -> RE: Converting nilla guys? (4/17/2008 3:13:30 AM)

I might be misreading the OP, but it sounds more like wanting to fish in the larger vanilla pool, with hopes of changing your catch.

Time and time again, I've read threads about people hoping to change other people.  "I wish my vanilla wife was this" or "I want to make my vanilla husband more that".  I always feel a bit sad for these people when they realize what they should have done was be honest with themselves and the other person they are involved with, and sought what they really wanted in the beginning.  Instead, they find themselves loving someone who doesn't match their kink interest (which is entirely possible) but their kink wants/needs are far from being met.

Don't think I'm chastising these people.  In fact, I WAS one of these people.  I married a vanilla man.  I've had 'the talk'.  I never tried to convert him, because that is no way in his nature, but we found an alternative.  Our solution wouldn't work for everyone, but it works for us.  I consider Myself fortunate that I didn't have to chose, split Myself in half, deny Myself, divorced, or any of the other possible outcomes that could have happened. 

I suppose what I'm saying here is, the idea of converting someone might make for a wonderful fantasy.  For a lot of people, it doesn't work so well in reality.  Instead of finding someone to change, maybe it's a better idea to look for a match in places where you know people share your same interests.  People meet other people at munches and lifestyle events every day.  Most times, when they weren't looking, and least expected to find someone.  It might take longer, fishing in that smaller pool, but you might find your catch to be more to your taste.



Lashra -> RE: Converting nilla guys? (4/17/2008 4:39:35 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: khem

I guess I should restate that to read "I honestly do not see how I could communicate what I want to a nilla guy ... without having him run as fast as possible"  [:D]  

Let him run then, he isn't the one for you. Better for him to hit the bricks early then invest a lot of time and emotion into someone who can't appreciate you for who you are. I've dated vanilla guys and I tell them straight out I like being the boss if you can't deal with it then lets not even start walking that path. Some walked right away, some stuck around.

I simply refuse to hide who I am and I can't, it's very apparent that I'm used to being in control and its a  natural flow for me. I'm a firm believer in not "settling" because you think you may not find what you want. It's ok to date around and keep your eyes open, because one day that jewel will appear.

Good luck,
~Lashra



Madame4a -> RE: Converting nilla guys? (4/17/2008 5:17:12 AM)

FR

I'm in the "you can't change someone" camp -- personally, I think of what I do as an orientation, no different from being a lesbian.  To me, if its not there, its not there.  Kinky sex?  Sure -- ass play, well hell yes, of course...

but you can't change someone and as others have said, if you want that D/s component -- its really got to be inside someone to start out with...

I wanted to say that I'm feeling a lot of what you're feeling right now.. about the small pool and getting discouraged... but I also believe the universe provides me with what I need when I need it -- it always happens to me... so I hope it will for you too.




littlesarbonn -> RE: Converting nilla guys? (4/17/2008 9:16:26 AM)

I tend to believe that the answer isn't in changing the lure but in casting the the line further. Sometimes finding the right person requires searching a bit further and then figuring out how to make that work. It doesn't always work that way. Believe me. I know that. But in the numerous circumstances I've had from the other side, converting someone is often a lot more difficult than finding someone who might be a bit further than local. I've unconsciously converted a few women from vanilla to dominant over the years, and some of them even went further and became well known professional dominants. But they still weren't what I was seeking as dominants, nor was I really what they were seeking at that time as a submissive.



khem -> RE: Converting nilla guys? (4/17/2008 9:57:05 AM)

Wow, thank you for all of the great advice!  It's given me a lot to think about.  The things I have pulled out (that seem true to me) are:
1) Don't settle for less than what I want
2) It might be painful and embarassing, but I need to ask early on for what I want (using some measure of tact when it comes to guys who might not have gone down that road)
3) While it might be possible to find someone who has submissive leanings outside a lifestyle group, my chances of finding someone who wants the level of D/s is not very likely.
4) There's no changing anyone, only giving options and seeing if they are open to it.
5) Hit on littlesarbonn, cause he's in my state*

Thanks everyone who posted and to the individuals that sent private emails.  I did get some encouraging stories about people who were able to find someone that just didn't know what they liked until they tried it.  However, since I'm looking for both things (the serving/submissive thang + the fetish/pain thang), the probability of that person still being oblivious to the lifestyle is fairly low.

*Tongue firmly in cheek.



Stephann -> RE: Converting nilla guys? (4/17/2008 10:21:38 AM)

Hiya Doll,

Trust me, it's doable.  I figure most vanilla guys are a lot like putty.  Either they carve themselves, or someone else carves them.

I have a sixth sense when it comes to submission in women.  I can almost smell it on them in about two minutes.  I think with men, it might be a little trickier; a combination of leading them with hints of sex, with 'punishing' them on occasion.

But numbers are your friend.  If you have one date a week with a new guy, that's roughly 50 dates a year.  What are the odds that NONE of them would be interested in exploring BDSM further?  I figure date number three is the right time to give a brief, but clear introduction into what you really like.  I'm bold enough to try it on date one, even; what matters most is how well you can connect with the other person (not like we don't know anything about that!) and if you can genuinely enjoy their company.  Once you establish that rapport, it doesn't take (much) encouragement to draw him out of his shell.

My first slave and I met at a party.  It took about half an hour to realize she was submissive (language barrier being the largest block here.)  Within two hours, I'd simply, and firmly, told her "Kiss me."  She was collared within a month, and we lasted almost three years.  So yes, it's do-able.

"However, since I'm looking for both things (the serving/submissive thang + the fetish/pain thang), the probability of that person still being oblivious to the lifestyle is fairly low. "

Sorry, I have to call BS here.

Many people don't learn about their D/s and/or S&M interests until they're well into their 40s or 50s.  Us folk who learn about it in our 20s are wayyyyy outnumbered.  Many people (I think submissives expecially) have always 'felt' they would have enjoyed it, but never feel empowered to explore their desires, because they're constantly busy trying to please their vanilla partners.  I think there's a huge untapped source of submissives out there, you just have to be willing to do some drilling.  Erm.  In a manner of speaking.  Not... yanno... literally... with an 18" orange strap on....

Hang in there, get well soon, and come on  to the dungeon with us soon!

Stephan



khem -> RE: Converting nilla guys? (4/17/2008 10:35:43 AM)

Maybe that's my problem!  I haven't got an 18" one yet!  My unimpressive 10" just isn't working!  Best advice all day! 

But I do get what you mean about the 20's versus 40's thing.  The only thing is that I pretty much do mostly go for men over at least 35 (although it's not a hard rule).



Stephann -> RE: Converting nilla guys? (4/17/2008 10:40:37 AM)

Older guys really dig younger women. 

To be fair, part of it is your location.  I love SLO, but it's not exactly a bustling boomtown, you know? 

It's always easier to meet like minds when you're close to where lots of minds are.  Till then, being social is the best way to meet folk.

Just a few thoughts.

Stephan



Wheldrake -> RE: Converting nilla guys? (4/17/2008 10:41:20 AM)

quote:


Thanks everyone who posted and to the individuals that sent private emails.  I did get some encouraging stories about people who were able to find someone that just didn't know what they liked until they tried it.  However, since I'm looking for both things (the serving/submissive thang + the fetish/pain thang), the probability of that person still being oblivious to the lifestyle is fairly low.



But as Pyrrsefanie (did I spell that right?) said, a lot of men are probably sexually adventurous enough to be open to "the fetish/pain thing" even if it's not their primary sexual focus. If you can just find a vanilla man who combines that attitude with a basically submissive personality, you'll have a pretty good candidate for conversion. Psychologists talk about "follower types" and "leader types", so perhaps you just need a definite follower with a streak of sexual open-mindedness. There must be some of them out there.

From the other side of the fence, my Mistress was distinctly vanilla-flavoured until I introduced her to the idea of erotic dominance, though I'd say she always had some dominant elements in her personality. Now, a couple of years on, things have progressed to the point where I feel some real trepidation whenever I submit to her. Sexual preferences and desires can definitely expand and evolve over time, but it can't be expected to happen all at once.

Anyway, I'm sorry you've been having so much trouble with rude and flaky submissive men. I like to think that we're not that bad, as a demographic, but perhaps I'll find out differently if I ever get reincarnated as a dominant woman. I hope it isn't too long before you find someone you can enslave!



khem -> RE: Converting nilla guys? (4/17/2008 11:18:02 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Stephann

Older guys really dig younger women. 

To be fair, part of it is your location.  I love SLO, but it's not exactly a bustling boomtown, you know? 

It's always easier to meet like minds when you're close to where lots of minds are.  Till then, being social is the best way to meet folk.

Just a few thoughts.

Stephan



Yes, but I don't consider SF or LA to be out of question either.  Not too bad of a drive. 



khem -> RE: Converting nilla guys? (4/17/2008 3:17:29 PM)

More great emails, I really appreciate people taking the time to reply.  I'm also revamping my profile a bit so it's less "girl next door seeks whatever" and more to the point.



UBERMUNSCHIST -> RE: Converting nilla guys? (4/17/2008 4:00:12 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: khem

I guess I should restate that to read "I honestly do not see how I could communicate what I want to a nilla guy ... without having him run as fast as possible"  [:D]  


Towards you?



khem -> RE: Converting nilla guys? (4/17/2008 4:14:21 PM)

I meant the other way.  



Page: <<   < prev  1 [2] 3   next >   >>

Valid CSS!




Collarchat.com © 2025
Terms of Service Privacy Policy Spam Policy
0.03125