RE: another jaded sub

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everhope -> RE: another jaded sub (4/18/2008 6:56:12 PM)
there is an advantage to being 51, overwieght and with some life experience. it keeps a fair amount of Doms that i would not be interested in communicating with from writing me. i am always looking for the positive...lol may we all find our bliss, everhope

kallisto -> RE: another jaded sub (4/18/2008 7:29:16 PM)
I have a hard time understanding being jaded from an internet site and a bunch of strangers. I can see it possibly if a person has had several bad relationships. But to get jaded over some online messages from wankers and wannabes - I just don't get it. eta: Not that everyone here is like that. I've "met" some really cool people and enjoy the conversations and postings. Just saying that if the wankers and wannabes are what is making the OP jaded ... that's what I don't get.

UncleNasty -> RE: another jaded sub (4/18/2008 7:36:34 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: marieToo The problem with putting criterion and expectations in your profile is that a lot of men will pretend to want the same things you do. For example: If you don't want to talk about kinks at first, they will read that in your profile and simply conform (temporarily) in order to make you think they are well-suited for you. Worse yet, they will pander to exactly what you say you are looking for and tell you that they want the same thing. A lot of men will tell a girl anything to get her panties down, and the more you give away about yourself in your profile, the more material they have to work with, then you have to decipher through it all and figure out what's true and what's bullshit. I would rather let them be themselves and just weed them out in the first couple of talks. Why should I tip them off? ie-- If a dude says to me.."So...what are you into?" or "what are your limits", I know right away he's either looking for wank fodder or wants to talk about the sexual aspects before getting to know who I am. I think it's best to see this right off the top of the bat, it gives me the upper hand in the assessment process. Some are a bit smoother and it will take longer to smell their bullshit, but at least you can rule out the sloppier ones right away. Yeah, I guess I'm a little jaded, but I have found that these types are the rule rather than the exception. On top of all this, when I run into a profile that is a list of everything they DON'T want, it reads like a list of complaints, makes the person look like a loser and repels me immediately. It's very tempting to put that rough edge into your profile writing, and I know it can feel satisfying on some level, but I think it puts most people off. I think it would be very difficult to get to know you. It would either be very short process, or a very laborious one. Any question asked of you would land someone into a "category" and you'd summarily dismiss them. Do you really act in ways that are this armored and full of gamesmanship? Your phrases of "material to work with" and "tip them off" are telling. It would potentially take a lot of effort just to find out enough about you to be able to make a decision as to whether you're someone I want to know. Uncle Nasty

DesFIP -> RE: another jaded sub (4/18/2008 7:40:05 PM)
I was lucky. I met him pretty quickly. But I had decided what I needed before I started looking. I don't recommend putting down how to approach or not approach. People with manners already know it and the others don't care. Just be glad they show their true colors (rude) early and go on to the next. However I don't think that the general quality of approaches are much different from your average bar. There you get approached with various old lines that never did work and still don't and you just turn them down and go back to talking to your friends. Consider this an online bar, get a glass of wine and chat and have fun on the forums. If somebody nice writes to you, that's a pleasant surprise, just like talking to someone nice at a bar is when you're with friends.

SteelofUtah -> RE: another jaded sub (4/18/2008 7:41:06 PM)
Okay all the Crap aside. I have posted on this before and I have pissed people off. Perhaps this time will be different. EVERYTHING THAT HAPPENS TO YOU IS YOUR FAULT. No matter what the situation you only have yourself to blame, why? Well because YOU PUT YOURSELF THERE. Now this is a Harsh realization and when it starts you find you beet yourself up OVER AND OVER AGAIN. You say things like, "How could I be so Stupid?" or "What made me act like such a Moron?" and beating up on yourself like this causes you to get really protective of yourself and so you build this wall and you think you are protecting yourself when in reality you are just making someone else pay for someone elses mistake. When you finally get done beating yourself up and being miserable for it and still getting no where for your troubles you eventually get to this Zen place where where everything happens because you put yourself there and you eventually learn from your mistakes. I still meet anyone who wants to meet and I get involved if I like them but I spend only the time I need getting to know what I need but I never sit back and do nothing because if you aren't moning forward all you are doing is letting the world pass you by. Take responsibility and realize that you are only as hurt as you let yourself be. Now before I get my Ass handed to me because I DON'T know what it's like. You are wrong, I have been in situatiuons that could mirror any you could think of including RAPE, just a hit of advice when you are young and in a Kinky Bar ORDER YOUR OWN DRINKS. Waking up and realizing what just happened can make you cold for awhile but in the end it was another situation I put myself in and today I have learned from it. You just do make the same mistake or similar mistakes twice. Learn and Move on and rememer your Heart will Heal it just takes LETTING IT. Time has NOTHING to do with it, All time does it make it less vivid in your memory. I know this isn't the popular opinion but I have learned to come to terms with some truely henious Shit all because I took responsibility for a situation I put myself in DIDN'T GET JADED and moved on. Steel

Hisgirlonly -> RE: another jaded sub (4/18/2008 8:20:37 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Real_Trouble quote: ORIGINAL: justnewsub I now find myself 7 months later feeling a bit jaded... and now trying to resist putting down in my profile some criteria of what I will not tolerate in a Dom. How I don't want to be approached with the "kneel down before me and see me as the Dom I feel I am", or the "Hi, how are you... would you like me to _insert fetish/sexual act__ to you?" And expect me to write back all hot and bothered and begging to be their submissive This has been pointed out before, but the people you are trying to ward away are precisely the ones who will not read the warnings that you have posted. Ergo, attempting to do this is something like trying to teach the illiterate by writing a book. There really is no better option than filters, ignore, and delete right now. There probably never will be, because people are stupid. quote: Ok vent done... so do you feel as a sub or a Dom that you have become a bit jaded since joining CM? No. I was seriously jaded before I ever joined CM. Whoa, whoa, whoa. Y/you guys/gals mean to tell me Y/you don't write to someone and tell them how dorky or stupid they look either in their photo or via their profile? i have!!!! i think it is my obligation some of those photos where they are "floating" on clouds or morphed with fire have LOSER or DORK written all over them. And some of these profiles read like they are looking for employees not submissives to adore them...i've re-written a few profiles for people.

marieToo -> RE: another jaded sub (4/18/2008 8:27:24 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: UncleNasty quote: ORIGINAL: marieToo The problem with putting criterion and expectations in your profile is that a lot of men will pretend to want the same things you do. For example: If you don't want to talk about kinks at first, they will read that in your profile and simply conform (temporarily) in order to make you think they are well-suited for you. Worse yet, they will pander to exactly what you say you are looking for and tell you that they want the same thing. A lot of men will tell a girl anything to get her panties down, and the more you give away about yourself in your profile, the more material they have to work with, then you have to decipher through it all and figure out what's true and what's bullshit. I would rather let them be themselves and just weed them out in the first couple of talks. Why should I tip them off? ie-- If a dude says to me.."So...what are you into?" or "what are your limits", I know right away he's either looking for wank fodder or wants to talk about the sexual aspects before getting to know who I am. I think it's best to see this right off the top of the bat, it gives me the upper hand in the assessment process. Some are a bit smoother and it will take longer to smell their bullshit, but at least you can rule out the sloppier ones right away. Yeah, I guess I'm a little jaded, but I have found that these types are the rule rather than the exception. On top of all this, when I run into a profile that is a list of everything they DON'T want, it reads like a list of complaints, makes the person look like a loser and repels me immediately. It's very tempting to put that rough edge into your profile writing, and I know it can feel satisfying on some level, but I think it puts most people off. I think it would be very difficult to get to know you. It would either be very short process, or a very laborious one. Any question asked of you would land someone into a "category" and you'd summarily dismiss them. Do you really act in ways that are this armored and full of gamesmanship? Your phrases of "material to work with" and "tip them off" are telling. It would potentially take a lot of effort just to find out enough about you to be able to make a decision as to whether you're someone I want to know. Uncle Nasty No, I don't act in ways that are armored or full of gamemanship at all. In fact, when I am talking to a person one on one, whether a friend or someone as a potential dominant, I am extremely open and share myself quite easily, AFTER I have deemed them worthwhile. Submissive females get a lot of bullshit mail from men who attempt to exploit. For all I know men probably get it from females too. But I wouldn't know it from that angle. My commentary was directly related to the OP asking for opinions about whether to write a list of criteria based upon her past negative experiences in her profile. And I offered a couple of reasons why I feel it's not a good idea. I personally find it easier to weed out those who I would consider to be assholes, by not laying out my asperations and personal feelings for the general populous to swoop down upon. We all have our ways of discerning. Mine is just another viewpoint thrown into the mix. Nothing more, nothing less.

Lordandmaster -> RE: another jaded sub (4/18/2008 8:31:32 PM)
Amen to that! quote: ORIGINAL: SteelofUtah EVERYTHING THAT HAPPENS TO YOU IS YOUR FAULT. No matter what the situation you only have yourself to blame, why? Well because YOU PUT YOURSELF THERE.

Evility -> RE: another jaded sub (4/18/2008 8:33:53 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: marieToo If a dude says to me.."So...what are you into?" or "what are your limits", I know right away he's either looking for wank fodder or wants to talk about the sexual aspects before getting to know who I am. The sheer audacity of asking kink specific questions of someone you connected with on a kinky matchmaking site. How dare they. Cads. It's much better to take a month or two finding out her favorite color, dessert dish and television shows and then find out that she isn't compatible with you in the main areas that brought you to a site like this in the first place.

marieToo -> RE: another jaded sub (4/18/2008 8:37:25 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Evility quote: ORIGINAL: marieToo If a dude says to me.."So...what are you into?" or "what are your limits", I know right away he's either looking for wank fodder or wants to talk about the sexual aspects before getting to know who I am. The sheer audacity of asking kink specific questions of someone you connected with on a kinky matchmaking site. How dare they. Cads. It's much better to take a month or two finding out her favorite color, dessert dish and television shows and then find out that she isn't compatible with you in the main areas that brought you to a site like this in the first place. I didn't call it audacity. It's just not for me. If you want to talk about your sexuality with strangers, that's your prerogative. I would rather not.

adrian28 -> RE: another jaded sub (4/18/2008 8:46:04 PM)
I'm just a cynical bastard. Just ask CM1. LMAO

Maya2001 -> RE: another jaded sub (4/18/2008 8:53:53 PM)
quote: The problem with putting criterion and expectations in your profile is that a lot of men will pretend to want the same things you do. For example: If you don't want to talk about kinks at first, they will read that in your profile and simply conform (temporarily) in order to make you think they are well-suited for you. Worse yet, they will pander to exactly what you say you are looking for and tell you that they want the same thing. A lot of men will tell a girl anything to get her panties down, and the more you give away about yourself in your profile, the more material they have to work with, then you have to decipher through it all and figure out what's true and what's bullshit. I would rather let them be themselves and just weed them out in the first couple of talks. Why should I tip them off? This is something I tend to agree with so I don't put in too much detail as it allows me to screen easier...as for feeling jaded it happens especially after the end of a relationship and I will find myself a little less tolerant of some on the emails I recieve, if anything I can take advantage of that feeling as a warning sign letting me know I am not ready yet to get started into another relationship. And I have been on a few dating sites in the past and they all have the jerks on them or those looking just for no strings sex and married men looking for flings, so here is really no different othere than being told to get on your knees first[:D]

marieToo -> RE: another jaded sub (4/18/2008 8:56:45 PM)
Yup. Exactly.

Fischen -> RE: another jaded sub (4/18/2008 9:07:26 PM)
I think you are also forgetting the fact men are ... well, we're men ... It's what we do. Women SHOP ... Men go into a store and buy, then get the heck out. Women sit around for hours listening to other women commiserate. Men say, Wow that sucks, let's go play pool. I think it would be easier for you to accept the fact that while men are trying to accomodate your wishes, because they do want to connect with you on some level, eventually, we go back to figuring out the nitty gritty. Cut us some slack. If you want a lap dog, go to a pet shop.

marieToo -> RE: another jaded sub (4/18/2008 9:20:47 PM)
I'm not refering to guys who send civilized thoughtful emails. I'm talking about the avoidance of putting bait out for men who have ill-willed intentions. Wouldn't you want to know that the woman of your interest chose you because you stood out over the others? Or would you be happy to know that she latched onto the first guy who emailed and said "nice profile, baby, I like ass play too. I think we're a match!"

julietsierra -> RE: another jaded sub (4/19/2008 4:40:13 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: marieToo I'm not refering to guys who send civilized thoughtful emails. I'm talking about the avoidance of putting bait out for men who have ill-willed intentions. Wouldn't you want to know that the woman of your interest chose you because you stood out over the others? Or would you be happy to know that she latched onto the first guy who emailed and said "nice profile, baby, I like ass play too. I think we're a match!" Personally, I like knowing both. Back when I was looking, if someone contacted me gave me the impression he was wanting to know me, I kept talking to him. If someone said "I like ass play too, I think we're a good match." I was grateful. That was one person less I had to wonder about. I was grateful that he'd made himself so clear to me and I would promptly put him on my "not to do list" and move on. All contact is a matter of degrees. Have 5 men contact you saying exactly the same thing and I bet you'd find that some of them somehow said it differently. You would probably be attracted to some of them and not others. So, when people contact you online that just don't work for you, just shrug your shoulders, say no thanks and move on. Face it. Men are men. (just as women are women, lest anyone think I'm man-bashing). Some are crass, some are uninteresting, some just don't have a clue. And then there are some who respect people, some you could talk to all day long, and some who have so much intelligence and class you wonder how in the world they're still alone. Each person who contacts you is just a person - like you - who is trying to meet someone who fits what they are looking for. They don't HAVE to construct their introductory conversations to fit you. In fact, if they're an "I see you like ass play, we have so much in common" kind of person, shouldn't they be looking for the "I LOVE ass play, why don't more people like ass play?" kind of person too? I'd much rather say "no thank you" than have them pretend to be the kind of person I'm looking for, only to find out that they're much more crass and well....wrong for me much later. To the OP: I'd suggest that your flip from being wide-eyed and new to being jaded is simply part of the process. It's like a pendulum. First you were way on one side of this - the perfect bdsm cheerleader. Now, you're developing a cynicism that makes you feel jaded. As you continue, I'm betting that you'll become more centered and come to the realization that someone approaching you in a manner you don't like is nothing more than just not the person for you. You'll be able to say no thanks without the emotional investment and move on. Be patient, get out from behind your computer on a very regular basis and go enjoy this life you've chosen. It'll be ok. And to answer your question, no, I don't think I've become more jaded. I've simply become less innocent and trusting of EVERYONE. In short, I've learned a bit more about myself. I think it's a good thing. Oh, And the other thing I've discovered is that it's MY choice as to how I approach the world. I can approach it from the point of view that everyone is some shade of evil and I have to keep on guard, or I can approach it from the point of view that for the most part, most people are good folks and I just have to find the good folks who are right for me. One way leads to overall anger. The other, leads to tolerance with the willingness to say "that's the way you choose to be, it's not how I choose to be." And you get to keep the gentler things you like about yourself. I tried it both ways. The anger made me jittery and never feeling good about me. The other way, that allowed people to be who they are felt better to me. While I still get angry on occasion, it no longer rules my life. The jadedness went away, to be replaced with a quieter knowledge of who I am and what I want and don't want. juliet

MsStarlett -> RE: another jaded sub (4/19/2008 5:15:33 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Loveisallyouneed Third, I've been aware for some time that bdsm attracts those with personality disorders and other psychological problems. Such individuals have all sorts of problems initiating and sustaining a healthy relationship. I think the INTERNET attracts people with problems. I haven't been here that long, but reading the threads shows a reoccuring pattern of women complaining about being bombarded by HNG's. Hate to let you ladies know - They are EVERYWHERE! Learn to acknowledge, ignore and move on. The internet is FULL of free and pay-per-view, sex sites. Men with poor social skills are drawn to these. For some strange reason, they get it in their heads that ALL women are sex toys and the ones on 'matchmaker' sites of any kind, kink or vanilla, are all just free whores who have nothing better to do than service them. On the flip side of the coin are the Needy Women with no social skills. They blame every man who comes along for every crime ever committed against them. From the school yard bully who told her she was fat to the blind boss who passed her obviously over skilled self over for a promotion - It's ALL YOUR FAULT because your a man! The internet is the Granola bowl full of people who don't have a life. ("Granola: What ain't nuts & fruits is flakes.") These people have no idea how to deal with others. That's why they spend so much time sitting in front of a computer instead of getting their sorry butts out the door and having a REAL LIFE! Ok, have I over simplified the situation & stereotyped enough people for you? The deal is, there are also a lot of very nice people out there. They just get lost in that whirlpool. Sometimes, the good ones get overlooked because others have become to jaded.

Evility -> RE: another jaded sub (4/19/2008 5:53:55 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Fischen If you want a lap dog, go to a pet shop. Bingo. If you are put off by kink conversation then you don't belong here. Match.com or eharmony would be a better venue.

julietsierra -> RE: another jaded sub (4/19/2008 6:09:48 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Evility quote: ORIGINAL: Fischen If you want a lap dog, go to a pet shop. Bingo. If you are put off by kink conversation then you don't belong here. Match.com or eharmony would be a better venue. I don't care about kink conversation one way or the other. I want a bit of class along with my kinky please. juliet

kiwisub12 -> RE: another jaded sub (4/19/2008 6:28:31 AM)
For myself - i want kink - but i want it realtime! So the first man who posted that he didn't talk for long periods of time, and we should meet R/T (very politely) is the man i am with 2 years later. I don't consider myself much of a judge of character of someone i talk online with. gaspshockhorror - they could be lying!!!!!! I can talk to someone online and enjoy it very much, and get a lot of fun from it, but for my life i need to be able to meet the person. Therefore, rude or terse emails don't upset me - i have nothing emotionally invested in them.

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