RE: D/s and dating? Question for the slavish set (and those who dig us)

Collarspace Discussion Forums

Home Login Search

RE: D/s and dating? Question for the slavish set (and those who dig us)

View related threads: (in this forum | in all forums)

Logged in as: Guest

All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> General BDSM Discussion >> RE: D/s and dating? Question for the slavish set (and those who dig us)

Page: << < prev 1 [2]

Message

<< Older Topic Newer Topic >>

RE: D/s and dating? Question for the slavish set (and t... - 4/20/2008 1:18:43 PM

Faramir

Posts: 1043
Joined: 2/12/2005
Status: offline

This is an interesting thread in that almost none of the respondents have, even after attempts to clarify and restate, any idea what a is getting at. That isn't a reflection on anyone's intelligence or perception, but rather the wide gulf between people like a and I and the posters here. We are in such wildly different places that we can't understand each other's intimacy models.

_____________________________

True masters, true subs and slaves, X many years in the lifestyle, Old Guard this and High Protocol that--it's like a convention of D&D nerds were allowed to have sex once, and they decided to make a religion out of it.

(in reply to Prinsexx)

Profile

Post #: 21

RE: D/s and dating? Question for the slavish set (and t... - 4/20/2008 1:44:42 PM

ResidentSadist

Posts: 12580
Joined: 2/11/2007
From: a mean old Daddy, but I like you - Joni Mitchell
Status: offline

I am an older gentleman from the M/s end of the spectrum. I will follow this thread as I would also like to know how people can date while living at the extreme ends of the lifestyle spectrum.

For me, dating contradicts my understanding of my relationship role. I have been able to execute 90 day trial periods in which I pay for all her bills while she gives ownership a test drive while living with me. That allows her to return to her life unchanged should she find being owned by me isn’t her cup of tea or vice versa.

_____________________________

-=BDSM Book List=- Reading is Fundamental !!!
I give good thread.

(in reply to Prinsexx)

Profile

Post #: 22

RE: D/s and dating? Question for the slavish set (and t... - 4/20/2008 5:58:03 PM

al2getherooky

Posts: 15
Joined: 3/15/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Level

T

Is it possible? Yes.

Is it possible for you? I don't know.

Not trying to be insulting here, but am I right in thinking you may have some difficulty with being "shanghaied", as you put it? Do you want what you want so badly that it impairs your perception?

Pretty much.

It's a conundrum.

It either doesn't kick in, and I'm bored. Or it does, and I'm toast.

What does it for me isn't sensible. So... I'm trying to think of ways to inject some good sense into the equation, on the front end, at least.

thanks,
~a

_____________________________

I put my arms around him yes and drew him down to me so he could feel my breasts all perfume yes and his heart was going like mad and yes I said yes I will Yes.
James Joyce, Ulysses

(in reply to Level)

Profile

Post #: 23

RE: D/s and dating? Question for the slavish set (and t... - 4/20/2008 6:15:32 PM

al2getherooky

Posts: 15
Joined: 3/15/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Faramir

I understand what you mean. People like us, we collide like stars, and no matter what we tell ourselves with our sensible face, it's like a black hole. We pass the event horizon and there's no getting out, because our mode of engagement is to be engaged in Power, and there's no space for the casual.
"Hey, I had a really great time when you tattoed my ass tonight with 'Fuckslut.' I hope we can get together again next week."
"Hey, just wondering if you were busy on Thursday night--maybe I can take over your bank account and decide what clothes you'll keep, and which ones I'll let you keep. Unless you're busy..."

This is moving, hilarious and spot on (exaggerated for comedic value, yes, but getting the point). Actually, someone talking about permanent body mod or taking over my finances on a first date would likely break the spell pretty quickly. The good ones know when to hold 'em and know when to fold 'em. (Now I guess I need to learn when to walk away and when to run...)

~a

_____________________________

I put my arms around him yes and drew him down to me so he could feel my breasts all perfume yes and his heart was going like mad and yes I said yes I will Yes.
James Joyce, Ulysses

(in reply to Faramir)

Profile

Post #: 24

RE: D/s and dating? Question for the slavish set (and t... - 4/20/2008 6:31:59 PM

al2getherooky

Posts: 15
Joined: 3/15/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: ResidentSadist

I am an older gentleman from the M/s end of the spectrum. I will follow this thread as I would also like to know how people can date while living at the extreme ends of the lifestyle spectrum.

For me, dating contradicts my understanding of my relationship role. I have been able to execute 90 day trial periods in which I pay for all her bills while she gives ownership a test drive while living with me. That allows her to return to her life unchanged should she find being owned by me isn’t her cup of tea or vice versa.

I have heard other people talk about doing this but never felt like it was something I could get behind (and frankly, my exes wouldn't have gone for it). Although, I wonder how someone could serve for three months as a slave, and return to her life unchanged...

It's probably something I need to consider more thoughfully. Thank you!

~a

_____________________________

I put my arms around him yes and drew him down to me so he could feel my breasts all perfume yes and his heart was going like mad and yes I said yes I will Yes.
James Joyce, Ulysses

(in reply to ResidentSadist)

Profile

Post #: 25

RE: D/s and dating? Question for the slavish set (and t... - 4/20/2008 6:48:09 PM

Maya2001

Posts: 1656
Joined: 8/22/2007
From: Woodstock ONT,CANADA
Status: offline

quote:

This is moving, hilarious and spot on (exaggerated for comedic value, yes, but getting the point). Actually, someone talking about permanent body mod or taking over my finances on a first date would likely break the spell pretty quickly. The good ones know when to hold 'em and know when to fold 'em. (Now I guess I need to learn when to walk away and when to run...)

The thing is it is not really an exaggeration, people in non limits slavery do infact consent to branding, turning over control of the clothing and banking etc.

your response therefore acknowledges you do have limits may as well as be honest and call it negotiated temporary slavery with hard limits being for example-- no permanent marking, no financial control and what ever else you don't want to do eg involving children/animal , scat, bloodplay, needle/piercing, gang rape etc, because kind of late to realize your not into something when your bound and gagged and you have already claimed and given permission to no limit play

< Message edited by Maya2001 -- 4/20/2008 6:49:37 PM >

_____________________________

Lead me not into temptation - I can find the way myself

(in reply to al2getherooky)

Profile

Post #: 26

RE: D/s and dating? Question for the slavish set (and t... - 4/20/2008 6:54:28 PM

Leatherist

Posts: 5149
Joined: 12/11/2007
Status: offline

You would have to approach it almost like a structured business deal for it to work. Can you be that cold and calculating?

Can he?

yes or no.

_____________________________

My shop is currently segueing into production mode.

I'm not taking custom orders.

(in reply to al2getherooky)

Profile

Post #: 27

RE: D/s and dating? Question for the slavish set (and t... - 4/20/2008 7:36:18 PM

SimplyMichael

Posts: 7229
Joined: 1/7/2007
Status: offline

I just have to repeat to myself "just because I can doesn't mean I should"...

Just because I can fuck/play/D/s someone doesn't mean I should. Just because they are willing, doesn't mean I should. Of course I spent years ignoring that and fucking first and thinking later and then wondering why I have someone following me around with that dejected tossed aside look.

As LA said, you can ignore the fundamentals for only so long before they bite you in the ass. Biggest one, is "are your expectations in line" meaning are they looking for the sort of relationship you are offering.

As the submissive, you meet some hot shit dominant who makes your cunt run like Niagara falls and you want to throw yourself at his feet and serve him forever, if all he wants is a quick shag or a part time relationship or do poly/monogamy and you don't, you are going to break some one's heart, yours or his.

The trick I have found is to let go and know it will work when you find the right person and the ones who run or turn away you WANT to run or turn away. So, you set boundaries and limits for play, well thought out and considered ones and you stick to them. Show you have the intelligence to do that well and the will to carry it out and a healthy dominant is likely to respect that and if they can't recognize that what you are doing is healthy, do you REALLY care if it turns him off? It will turn of LOTS of people but do you want to be with lots of people or someone who is special to you AND is the sort to recognize you protecting yourself?

Just remember, rules will never keep you safe or drama free. Only good choices do that. I realize that is one of those bullshit answers that sounds deep but doesn't tell you a fucking thing but it is true. If a woman tells me she won't allow me to D/s her on our first date I can respect that but if she tells me that but I can later tell she wishes I pushed more I won't try harder I will bail because she lacks clarity.

I guess to me, that is key (and I am curious what others have to say) that they have clarity. If they have rules which they seem to go back and forth on or say one thing and hint and or respond to another then to me, that lack of clarity telegraphs her behavior and I have zero interest in any involvement. I don't care where the bar is set and I have been at both spectrum's, but what I do expect is to be told pretty clearly where the bar is at and I need to see the person sticking to them or at least openly acknowledging why she is allowing/asking for something to change.

So I think D/s dating can be done. I think it is important to have a conversation about what dating means and who can do what, what areas you will allow a dating partner to control and which are off limits, and what sexual stuff is and isn't on the menu.

If they aren't willing to talk about this do you really think their communication will improve later?

(in reply to Leatherist)

Profile

Post #: 28

RE: D/s and dating? Question for the slavish set (and t... - 4/20/2008 8:00:29 PM

al2getherooky

Posts: 15
Joined: 3/15/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Maya2001

quote:

This is moving, hilarious and spot on (exaggerated for comedic value, yes, but getting the point). Actually, someone talking about permanent body mod or taking over my finances on a first date would likely break the spell pretty quickly. The good ones know when to hold 'em and know when to fold 'em. (Now I guess I need to learn when to walk away and when to run...)

The thing is it is not really an exaggeration, people in non limits slavery do infact consent to branding, turning over control of the clothing and banking etc.

your response therefore acknowledges you do have limits may as well as be honest and call it negotiated temporary slavery with hard limits being for example-- no permanent marking, no financial control and what ever else you don't want to do eg involving children/animal , scat, bloodplay, needle/piercing, gang rape etc, because kind of late to realize your not into something when your bound and gagged and you have already claimed and given permission to no limit play

Well, I don't operate by a particular dictum. It's not so much that I promise I'll have no limits as it is that I tend to wind up enthralled and unable to say "no". So, a prospective M to my s telling me that we are going to a tattoo parlor on our first "date", or asking me for my ATM pin, would certainly send the red flags right up the post. (This makes NO statement on my aquiescence once enthralled, btw. It means, best not to shoot your M load too soon, if you are trying for alchemy...)

Similarly, I wouldn't sit there and rattle off a list of hard-limits. What a turn off! (At least to the kind of guys I like).

I can honestly say that "kids" have never come up, and I really don't see a need to overstate the obvious.

I just try to get a feel for what I am getting into. Surely, part of the fun is being pushed - perfectly matching comfort zones are harldy the ideal.

~a

_____________________________

I put my arms around him yes and drew him down to me so he could feel my breasts all perfume yes and his heart was going like mad and yes I said yes I will Yes.
James Joyce, Ulysses

(in reply to Maya2001)

Profile

Post #: 29

RE: D/s and dating? Question for the slavish set (and t... - 4/20/2008 8:13:22 PM

al2getherooky

Posts: 15
Joined: 3/15/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: SimplyMichael

I just have to repeat to myself "just because I can doesn't mean I should"...

I'm so glad you did! This was a really thoughtful and thought-provoking response. I'd write more but this really wasn't supposed to be about me and my issues...:)

_____________________________

I put my arms around him yes and drew him down to me so he could feel my breasts all perfume yes and his heart was going like mad and yes I said yes I will Yes.
James Joyce, Ulysses

(in reply to SimplyMichael)

Profile

Post #: 30