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New to this and confused - 4/21/2008 6:05:38 PM

peterpan200510

Posts: 13
Joined: 7/16/2007
Status: offline

Hi, you won't believe this but my first fantasies involved being dominant (when I was like 11 or something) but i felt bad about thinking of harming others and turned my fantasies around. Now I am 25 and don't ever feel dominant any more, and every year I feel I'm becoming increasingly more submissive.. somehow my submissivness has led to me never having a gf and in effect never having gotten laid. Every time I promise myself that this will be the end and I won't do this and become normal but it doesn't work and I always end up coming online. My first question is, is there any way I can escape?

I seem to be sliding further and further and increasingly going towards Elise Sutton's and other such writings. My deepest fantasy now involves being "broken" and "tamed" and "kept". At the same time I don't have any experience (other than just fantasies in my head). Yet if it must be a femdom thing I want to commit to just one person who would tame me and keep me. But for sure no Domme wants an inexperienced guy! So I'm stuck in a Catch-22. Is there any hope?

Post #: 1

RE: New to this and confused - 4/21/2008 8:26:01 PM

MsSonnetMarwood

Posts: 1898
Joined: 2/10/2005
From: Eastern Shore, Maryland
Status: offline

It's not the inexperience that Dommes don't like - it's the "head too far into fantasies to make a real time relationship workable" that we don't like.

My best advice is to try to set some of your fantasies about what dominance and submission is all about to one side, and go get involved in your local scene. Go to munches, go to discussions, go to demos. Get to know people on a social level who do all of this. Experiment a little bet. Be the nice guy who holds chairs for all the ladies and offers to get a drink, not the creepy guy sizing every female up and trying to peek down her shirt. Get yourself grounded in reality. Then seriously rethink what you want, and how a workable real life relationship might be possible for you.

< Message edited by MsSonnetMarwood -- 4/21/2008 8:28:18 PM >

_____________________________

~Ms. Sonnet Marwood~

Deja Moo: The feeling you've heard this bull somewhere before.

(in reply to peterpan200510)

Post #: 2

RE: New to this and confused - 4/21/2008 8:27:46 PM

faerytattoodgirl

Posts: 5824
Status: offline

fantasies=get a pro Domme.

_____________________________

I did not reply to your cmail.

I am flawed.

Imperfect.

MUST SPANK!!!

SPAAAAAAAANK!!!

(in reply to peterpan200510)

Post #: 3

RE: New to this and confused - 4/21/2008 8:33:17 PM

midgetmafiosa

Posts: 195
Joined: 3/23/2008
From: Maine, and SLC, UT
Status: offline

Peter - Look up Stephann's profile, and see his link to Men: How to Find A Woman Here. Beyond that, get out in the real world and start dating. Anyone. Everyone. Not sleeping with them, necessarily, but just getting some good, solid, social practice under your belt.

(in reply to faerytattoodgirl)

Post #: 4

RE: New to this and confused - 4/21/2008 8:38:26 PM

DiurnalVampire

Posts: 8125
Joined: 1/19/2006
From: Nashville, TN
Status: offline

Inexperience, to some of us, is an attractive trait. Personally, I prefer it that way (just look at my 2)
However, the fantasy fixation is going to be your problem. I do not know any Dommes who particularly like being a pawn in a subs fantasy, rather than being an actual person of interest in and of themselves. You need to want the person and enjoy they are Domme, not want the Domme and learn later they are a person.

DV

_____________________________

I will be your Dominate if you will be my submit - Fox

Snarko Ergo Sum
If you cannot change your mind, how are you so sure you still have one? -proverb

*Owner of Fox - collared 10/13/07*
VampiresLair

(in reply to midgetmafiosa)

Post #: 5

RE: New to this and confused - 4/21/2008 8:42:37 PM

TNstepsout

Posts: 1558
Joined: 8/3/2005
Status: offline

First, forget what Elise Sutton says. She's only one opinion and that is designed to attract and appeal to a particular crowd. She has some good information but her ideas are not what D/s is for all dominant women. There are many men who begin their journey as a submissive much later in life than you, so get that out of your head as well. There is plenty of time for you and no time like the present to get started. If you don't feel comfortable going to a local munch right away, spend some time on these boards, read posts from the Femdoms here and the responses, maybe read a few good books and jump in and ask a few questions here and there. When you feel you are not such a novice and can understand that there are as many flavors of D/s as there are Mistresses, take a look at what's available in your local community.

(in reply to faerytattoodgirl)

Post #: 6

RE: New to this and confused - 4/21/2008 10:30:47 PM

Andjew

Posts: 39
Joined: 4/21/2008
Status: offline

You're so incredibly wrong and you're so much like I was. At least I can say from experience that things WILL improve, you are not trapped in a paradox,

You likely won't believe me, but your current state of being is as dismal as it is temporary. I thought that no one would want a young, inexperienced, subbie that has fantasies of being owned and lying at the feet of a beautiful Mistress. I showed up at a BDSM munch and I was 10 years younger than everyone and had never truly enjoyed a D/s relationship! I was intimidated, but I was myself.

It wasn't long after socializing with others and being myself when I started getting request for my email and phone number.

You need to be confident! You're a valued and desired individual, a Master is nothing without a subbie to train. Besides, you're switch, you have know idea how awesome it is to be switch. I understand that my abbility to be both dominant or submissive means that I have more women to chose from that are interested in me. =D

I didn't start dating until I was 19 years old, I was extremely lonely and afraid of who I was. My catalyst for becoming a confident, subbmissive to a beautiful woman was being myself and not being afraid of who I am. If you want to live the life of a fetishist, you need to cowboy up and be yourself. If you're a poor little subbie that wants to be tamed and owned on the inside, then you need to strive to become that.

(in reply to peterpan200510)

Post #: 7

RE: New to this and confused - 4/21/2008 10:51:47 PM

khem

Posts: 300
Joined: 8/8/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Andjew
I thought that no one would want a young, inexperienced, subbie that has fantasies of being owned and lying at the feet of a beautiful Mistress. I showed up at a BDSM munch and I was 10 years younger than everyone and had never truly enjoyed a D/s relationship! I was intimidated, but I was myself.

I'm constantly giving this advice to submissive men I meet online -- it really does actually work. Maybe hearing it from you will help them turn off their computers and get out there.

(in reply to Andjew)

Post #: 8

RE: New to this and confused - 4/21/2008 11:10:12 PM

undergroundsea

Posts: 2400
Joined: 6/27/2004
From: Austin, TX
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: faerytattoodgirl
fantasies=get a pro Domme.

Not necessarily. Fantasies can also be had or enjoyed within mutual, personal relationships.

Cheers,

Sea

(in reply to faerytattoodgirl)

Post #: 9

RE: New to this and confused - 4/21/2008 11:39:19 PM

undergroundsea

Posts: 2400
Joined: 6/27/2004
From: Austin, TX
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: AndjewIt wasn't long after socializing with others and being myself when I started getting request for my email and phone number.

I try this approach but no one asks me for my email and phone number! So I have to rely on asking for a number myself. Speaking of which, the last two numbers I jotted down ended up being wrong numbers so I think my hearing must be going bad or something.

;-)

Ok, here is a dialog from when I asked for a phone number.

I was at a fetish ball and was wearing a mask. And a domme I subbed to walked in. She saw me and looked at me in a way which told me she wasn't sure if it was me because of the mask. So I walked up.

Me (in a significantly altered, bubbly voice): Hi!
Her: Hello
Me: I saw you looking at me!
Her:...
Me: I like your jacket!
Her: Oh, thanks
Me: Where did you get it?
Her: Oh, I got at this thrift store
Me: Speaking of thrift stores, can I have your number?
Her: (with a WTF look) No, I don't think that's a good idea (starts to walk away)
Me (following her): Oh, I know! I am supposed to buy you a drink first! What would you like to drink?
Her: (figuring out it was me pulling her leg) I think you know what I like to drink
Her: (ashing her cigarette in my beer bottle) Drink up so you can get yourself one too

See? Even if I know them, they won't give me their number!

Cheers,

Sea

(in reply to Andjew)

Post #: 10

RE: New to this and confused - 4/22/2008 2:09:25 AM

Andjew

Posts: 39
Joined: 4/21/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: undergroundsea

quote:

ORIGINAL: AndjewIt wasn't long after socializing with others and being myself when I started getting request for my email and phone number.

I try this approach but no one asks me for my email and phone number! So I have to rely on asking for a number myself. Speaking of which, the last two numbers I jotted down ended up being wrong numbers so I think my hearing must be going bad or something.

Cheers,

Sea

I always have to get vanilla girls numbers, but I've never had to ask for kinky people's numbers. It's likely the same concept, lure them to a secluded area and let the introductions begin. (lolol)

I have a similar problem with nervous incompetency. I am confident, but when a girl offers me her number I ALWAYS forget her name or have her repeat her number 2-3 times.

I usually don't get rejected when I go for numbers, I like to trick the girl into giving me her number through cute, weasel-y ways. For example, I was at a loud club and walked up to a girl and started talking purpousely inaudibally and I asked a girl her number so I can text her what I wanted to tell her. (loud enough for her to hear me) After I got her number I just texted her to ask if she likes Karaoke and if she knows the words to "I Ran" by Flock of Seagles.
XD
They have to want to be tricked for it too work though. D'=

(in reply to undergroundsea)

Post #: 11

RE: New to this and confused - 4/22/2008 5:27:16 AM

thetammyjo

Posts: 6322
Joined: 9/8/2005
Status: offline

May I ask you a few serious questions, peterpan200510?

I think your answers will point you toward an answer about how you find a partner in BDSM.

Would you marry the first vanilla woman you dated or had sex with without dating others?

Would you invest all your money with the first company you come across?

If you bought a TV and the first show that popped up when you turned it on, would you only watch that show for the rest of your life?

Would you limit yourself to the very first food you ate when you work on tomorrow morning for the rest of your life?

_____________________________

Love, Peace, Hugs, Kisses, Whips & Chains,

TammyJo

Check out my website at http://www.thetammyjo.com Or www.tammyjoeckhart.com

And my LJ where I post fiction in progress if you "friend" me at http://thetammyjo.livejournal.com/

(in reply to peterpan200510)

Post #: 12

RE: New to this and confused - 4/22/2008 3:26:16 PM

lateralist1

Posts: 886
Joined: 11/22/2006
Status: offline

I don't disagree with what you are saying in essence but lots of people in England do marry the first person they go out with.
They probably have sex first maybe a child and then live together before marriage though.
If you are sure you are submissive peterpan200510 then wait and find the woman that you can commit to totally and give her your viginity. She doesn't have to be BDSM. It's about what she wants after all. The right woman for you might be vanilla. Ownership can be expressed in many ways.

(in reply to thetammyjo)

Post #: 13

RE: New to this and confused - 4/22/2008 8:12:40 PM

GimpinDenial

Posts: 1145
Joined: 4/20/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: faerytattoodgirl

fantasies=get a pro Domme.

I concur

(in reply to faerytattoodgirl)

Post #: 14

RE: New to this and confused - 4/22/2008 8:37:03 PM

GimpinDenial

Posts: 1145
Joined: 4/20/2008
Status: offline

dangit, I replied in the wrong post

My appologies

< Message edited by GimpinDenial -- 4/22/2008 8:43:32 PM >

(in reply to peterpan200510)

Post #: 15

RE: New to this and confused - 4/22/2008 10:40:36 PM

impossiblesub

Posts: 150
Joined: 4/20/2008
Status: offline

Lol, older women love 25 year old guys. You just need to find a place where a bunch of 35+ women hang out and you will get laid. Buy yourself a sportscar with a loud stereo or something. Of course if you want to be a sub this is up to you.

< Message edited by impossiblesub -- 4/22/2008 10:42:25 PM >

(in reply to GimpinDenial)

Post #: 16

RE: New to this and confused - 4/23/2008 6:27:22 AM

Dnomyar

Posts: 7933
Joined: 6/27/2005
Status: offline

While the others are giving you some kind of advice here send me your gf. No use her being frustrated.

(in reply to impossiblesub)

Post #: 17

RE: New to this and confused - 4/23/2008 2:24:31 PM

MladyHathor

Posts: 510
Joined: 4/6/2008
Status: offline

I thought the full moon passed?

_____________________________

The Mistress Hathor, always and forever, much to the disdain and discomfort of others.

(in reply to peterpan200510)

Post #: 18

RE: New to this and confused - 4/24/2008 12:48:30 AM

peterpan200510

Posts: 13
Joined: 7/16/2007
Status: offline

hi, thanks for all the responses! I think thats a lot to contend with. I've decided to try vanilla for a while and maybe get laid! :)

(in reply to MladyHathor)

Post #: 19

RE: New to this and confused - 4/24/2008 10:52:45 AM

Pyrrsefanie

Posts: 1222
Joined: 9/18/2007
From: NEW HAMPSHAAAAAAH!
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: peterpan200510

hi, thanks for all the responses! I think thats a lot to contend with. I've decided to try vanilla for a while and maybe get laid! :)

Translation:

"Awwww, man, that's too much effort, I'm just gonna go pick up some pussy at a bar or somethin'."

_____________________________

Ти саркастична, це – доля,
Ти артистична в неволі,
Ти симпатична в цій ролі,
Ти синтетична до болю

Read my series, Taking Jessica, on http://www.akashaweb.com !

(in reply to peterpan200510)

Post #: 20

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