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differences between d/s relationship and vanilla? - 4/21/2008 11:04:24 PM

impossiblesub

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Although I consider myself to be quite intelligent I will be the first to admit that I don't know or understand everything.
I find myself wondering if I am missing something. The thought strikes me that in most interpersonal relationships there is an element of domination and submission. What exactly makes this different from a committed relationship in which the partners engage in BDSM activities? Is it the ability to choose if you will be dominant or submissive BEFORE the relationship starts?

< Message edited by impossiblesub -- 4/21/2008 11:06:12 PM >

Post #: 1

RE: differences between d/s relationship and vanilla? - 4/21/2008 11:08:29 PM

darchChylde

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The main difference in a Ds relationship and a vanilla, i believe, are that in Ds there are lines clearly drawn between who is in control and who is under that control. Also, the limits of acceptable behaviour are clearly defined from the very beginning leaving little in the way of wiggle room.

Edited to add: Ds and BDSM actually have little to do with one another, beyond the fact the Dominance/submission is part of the definition and acronym of BDSM. Many Ds couples do not engage in BDSM, just as many non Ds couples do. BDSM, as most people define it, is the "play" side of the exchange, while Ds is the relationship side; though the two may be mutually exclusive. In much the same way that you can practice Ds or BDSM without actually being a sadist or a masochist.

To make it more clear, BDSM is most commonly seperated into 3 parts (like the Triskele, lol):

B and D - Bondage and Discipline, this is the play dynamic.

D and s - Dominance and submission, this is more the relationship dynamic

S and M - Sadism and Masochism, this is more about why many of us get into it in the first place

The above is overly simplified and loaded with generalities, but i believe it gives an effective reference point.

< Message edited by darchChylde -- 4/21/2008 11:17:25 PM >

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RE: differences between d/s relationship and vanilla? - 4/21/2008 11:20:39 PM

MasterFireMaam

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In my marriages, some decisions were made by me, some were made by my husband. Neither had the final word about everything. In my Ms relationships, I have the final word. I am the clear leader. I am the clear head of the household. If someone makes the decisions about, say, the food we eat, it's because I gave them the authority to do so. It can be a subtle thing.

Master Fire

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RE: differences between d/s relationship and vanilla? - 4/21/2008 11:22:19 PM

MaamJay

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I look at it this way ... yes there is power exchange in most relationships, vanilla and other. The difference to Me is this: In D/s the power exchange is done "above the table" ... there is open negotiation as to who has what power. If done well, the negotiations may be massaged a little as the relationship evolves, but essentially the structure remains. In vanilla relationships, the power exchange is "under the table" and may well seesaw back and forth, each grabbing and losing power at different times. Much less structure, much less open communication about it. Far less satisfactory to Me!

Maam Jay aka violet[A]

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RE: differences between d/s relationship and vanilla? - 4/21/2008 11:30:42 PM

impossiblesub

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I suppose that helps to avoid power struggles and give each person the clearly defined role they want to assume.

(in reply to MasterFireMaam)

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RE: differences between d/s relationship and vanilla? - 4/21/2008 11:44:22 PM

undergroundsea

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From: Austin, TX
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In vanilla relationships, the power dynamics that exist are organically defined by how the two personalities balance out. In BDSM relationships, the power dynamics are mutually and consciously defined as an integral part of the relationship expression.

My two cents.

Cheers,

Sea

(in reply to impossiblesub)

Post #: 6

RE: differences between d/s relationship and vanilla? - 4/22/2008 5:33:30 AM

thetammyjo

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One example I can provide from my life is the difference between my husband (vanilla relationship really) and my slave (obviously Ds 24/7).

I might ask my husband to do something and if I do he'll want to know why, take a bloody long time to do it, or need reminders (yes, he does ask me to remind him repeatedly).

If I tell my slave to do something he might ask a question for clarification or for a time extension but beyond that, I can count on whatever it is to be done ASAP and with little or no oversight from me.

Or to put it more directly: I have arguments with my husband; no arguments with my slave.

Note: I have owned Fox for over 8 years so his obedience developed in training and from an innate drive within him. I would, however, expect nothing less from someone who has earned the role of slave in my household.

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(in reply to impossiblesub)

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RE: differences between d/s relationship and vanilla? - 4/22/2008 8:28:36 AM

herpet1313

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Joined: 9/18/2005
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darch Clyde's explanation is a good one. While being is a 24/7 D/s relationship, it is a lifestyle. We may occasionally dip into some B/D or mild S/M, for play, but it is not the definitive nature of of our lives.
I work at a high rise condominium complex where most of the 80 residents are couples, 60 years old or over. In almost every relationship I can usually, and quite easily, see elements of D/s. They just don't know it, or call it that. I can't tell you how many of the older gentlemen have taken me aside and, with a smile, admit that the secret to their long happy marriages is doing whatever it takes to make their wives happy. And yes, there are male led relationships there as well.
Bottom line? I think life flows along a lot smoother for any couple when one is in charge, whether they both know it, and admit it, or not.

(in reply to darchChylde)

Post #: 8

RE: differences between d/s relationship and vanilla? - 4/22/2008 8:57:53 AM

faerytattoodgirl

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you do the things we do in bdsm ..in a vanilla relationship...chances are your gonna go to jail for rape, abuse, etc etc.

not to mention the hot leather outfits and the toys and props... mmmm..

vanilla is just boring.

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RE: differences between d/s relationship and vanilla? - 4/22/2008 9:18:59 AM

GoddessTeaze

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From: The Netherlands
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quote:

ORIGINAL: impossiblesub

Although I consider myself to be quite intelligent I will be the first to admit that I don't know or understand everything.
I find myself wondering if I am missing something. The thought strikes me that in most interpersonal relationships there is an element of domination and submission. What exactly makes this different from a committed relationship in which the partners engage in BDSM activities? Is it the ability to choose if you will be dominant or submissive BEFORE the relationship starts?

a sub with such a wishlist
should think again !!

GoddezzT`

(what on earth is perfect? as if it exists)

_____________________________

~* The only disability in life is a bad attitude. ~Scott Hamilton*~

~*Beauty is not in the face; beauty is a light in the heart. ~Kahlil Gibran*~

(in reply to impossiblesub)

Post #: 10

RE: differences between d/s relationship and vanilla? - 4/22/2008 9:28:26 AM

faerytattoodgirl

Posts: 5824
Status: offline

quote:

(what on earth is perfect? as if it exists)

Mr Perfect. Curt Henning... ex WWF wrestler.

_____________________________

I did not reply to your cmail.

I am flawed.

Imperfect.

MUST SPANK!!!

SPAAAAAAAANK!!!

(in reply to GoddessTeaze)

Post #: 11

RE: differences between d/s relationship and vanilla? - 4/22/2008 12:35:16 PM

impossiblesub

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Joined: 4/20/2008
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lol, I was spoiled with attention. Maybe I need to define that a little more clearly. I am thinking Perfect to be defined as attractive, above average intelligence, and college educated. I need my mind engaged for a long-term relationship.

< Message edited by impossiblesub -- 4/22/2008 1:08:54 PM >

(in reply to faerytattoodgirl)

Post #: 12

RE: differences between d/s relationship and vanilla? - 4/22/2008 1:18:19 PM

GoddessTeaze

Posts: 1125
Joined: 10/14/2006
From: The Netherlands
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quote:

ORIGINAL: impossiblesub

lol, I was spoiled with attention. Maybe I need to define that a little more clearly. I am thinking Perfect to be defined as attractive, above average intelligence, and college educated. I need my mind engaged for a long-term relationship.

3rd isle
under the P from perfect !!

*a sub with a wishlist... you should role it up and whoop em with it *

GoddezzT`

p.s faery you may have curt, he aint My type!!!

_____________________________

~* The only disability in life is a bad attitude. ~Scott Hamilton*~

~*Beauty is not in the face; beauty is a light in the heart. ~Kahlil Gibran*~

(in reply to impossiblesub)

Post #: 13

RE: differences between d/s relationship and vanilla? - 4/22/2008 1:27:37 PM

alaswitch

Posts: 1
Joined: 4/17/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: GoddessTeaze

3rd isle
under the P from perfect !!

*a sub with a wishlist... you should role it up and whoop em with it *

So why should anyone to be involved in a relationship that does not meet their needs? They are not going to stay long.

< Message edited by alaswitch -- 4/22/2008 1:30:43 PM >

(in reply to GoddessTeaze)

Post #: 14

RE: differences between d/s relationship and vanilla? - 4/22/2008 2:28:19 PM

impossiblesub

Posts: 150
Joined: 4/20/2008
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I am very Alpha and I suppose I am probably more correctly classified as a Dom overall, although I would be overjoyed to find a Domme who can make me want to submit. Everything would need to be right for me in order to for me to do so.

< Message edited by impossiblesub -- 4/22/2008 2:29:16 PM >

(in reply to alaswitch)

Post #: 15

RE: differences between d/s relationship and vanilla? - 4/22/2008 2:34:40 PM

darchChylde

Posts: 5279
Joined: 9/28/2006
From: Warm Springs, GA but i live in San Francisco.
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: alaswitch
So why should anyone to be involved in a relationship that does not meet their needs? They are not going to stay long.

The trick for the submissive is to find that dominant who actually desires to also meet the needs of their submissive.

To use one of the crudest possible examples...

A submissive who considers it a personal need to have his ass reamed would be better served seeking a dominant woman who absolutely loves strapon play.

Edited to Add: i believe the important thing to consider is that, in my opinion, a quality dominant will always take their submissive's needs into consideration; but in the end, it will be the dominant's needs that must come first.

< Message edited by darchChylde -- 4/22/2008 2:49:14 PM >

_____________________________

I'm the man your mother warned you about...
if only to keep me to herself.

I'm a male dominant switch whose experienced as a poly sub to a dominant woman
.
Where the fuck do I post?

Proud Owner and Protector of chyldeschylde.

(in reply to alaswitch)

Post #: 16

RE: differences between d/s relationship and vanilla? - 4/22/2008 3:03:01 PM

GoddessTeaze

Posts: 1125
Joined: 10/14/2006
From: The Netherlands
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: alaswitch

quote:

ORIGINAL: GoddessTeaze

3rd isle
under the P from perfect !!

*a sub with a wishlist... you should role it up and whoop em with it *

So why should anyone to be involved in a relationship that does not meet their needs? They are not going to stay long.

ofcourse your right
it's all about that needle...

It's a simple

GoddezzT`

_____________________________

~* The only disability in life is a bad attitude. ~Scott Hamilton*~

~*Beauty is not in the face; beauty is a light in the heart. ~Kahlil Gibran*~

(in reply to alaswitch)

Post #: 17

RE: differences between d/s relationship and vanilla? - 4/22/2008 3:06:46 PM

Lashra

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Joined: 2/9/2006
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I am very much the Alpha female, in my vanilla relationships the men couldn't handle it and we ended up parting company. Even though they knew me as a friend prior and knew I had a dominant personality, I guess they just "assumed" after we started to date that I would let them lead the relationship. No such thing happened.

In my D/s relationship it is understood from the beginning that I am the Leader and I make the rules. When we negotiated things we set up it so that both our needs are being met and we have an understanding to experiment and try new things in the future.

Perhaps if I had met a vanilla sub male who the societal conditioning hadn't run so deep perhaps I could have had a D/s relationship with him, but that conditioning is hard to get past. Then again perhaps it was a blessing, I'm happier now than I've ever been.

~Lashra

_____________________________

“We can never judge the lives of others, because each person knows only their own pain and renunciation. It's one thing to feel that you are on the right path, but it's another to think that yours is the only path.”

(in reply to darchChylde)

Post #: 18

RE: differences between d/s relationship and vanilla? - 4/22/2008 9:46:43 PM

impossiblesub

Posts: 150
Joined: 4/20/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Lashra

I am very much the Alpha female, in my vanilla relationships the men couldn't handle it and we ended up parting company. Even though they knew me as a friend prior and knew I had a dominant personality, I guess they just "assumed" after we started to date that I would let them lead the relationship. No such thing happened.

In my D/s relationship it is understood from the beginning that I am the Leader and I make the rules. When we negotiated things we set up it so that both our needs are being met and we have an understanding to experiment and try new things in the future.

Perhaps if I had met a vanilla sub male who the societal conditioning hadn't run so deep perhaps I could have had a D/s relationship with him, but that conditioning is hard to get past. Then again perhaps it was a blessing, I'm happier now than I've ever been.

~Lashra

Hmm, sounds like me with the exception that I found the Dominant role to be too boring, perhaps because my females were not Alpha enough. However, I do not wish to be trod upon by the other person.
Alpha males and females typically come together based upon the mutual attraction of their dominance. Social conditioning has its place, without it there would be no society. Also, were it not for social conditioning you probably would have been dominated by the larger Alpha male. Pehaps we have both had the same problem, the inability to establish clear dominance due to social conditioning or the lack thereof.

< Message edited by impossiblesub -- 4/22/2008 10:14:06 PM >

(in reply to Lashra)

Post #: 19

RE: differences between d/s relationship and vanilla? - 4/22/2008 10:07:49 PM

Shawn1066

Posts: 987
Joined: 10/7/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: faerytattoodgirl

quote:

(what on earth is perfect? as if it exists)

Mr Perfect. Curt Henning... ex WWF wrestler.

Well, he's not on earth. ;_;

RIP

DV's Fox

(in reply to faerytattoodgirl)

Post #: 20

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