My first post: Respectful request for help in understanding.

My first post: Respectful request for help in understanding. (Full Version)

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lilonepet -> My first post: Respectful request for help in understanding. (4/22/2008 12:52:49 AM)
i have never posted on this forum or any other forum so please forgive any ignorance i may show. What motivate me to post is the hope that i might find some help understanding why the Dom i am under consideration with still says He doesn't know how He feels about me after seven and a half months. i don't want this to be long and drawn out but i do need to give a little info i think. He doesn't want to define the relationship, He said we needed to take a step back. However nothing seemed different. He says i delight Jim a great deal, He likes having me around, that i'm sexy as hell, and i'm a wonderful woman. i have asked Him what i can do to worthy of His ownership, he told me nothing. That i should not push so hard. His words at times seem to say that He doesn't think we will be anything more. But when i say this to Him he tells me that maybe i don't understand what He is saying, that He is willing to see where it goes. i guess my confusion comes from a lot of the time His actions don't match His words and sometimes He says things that would indicate He feels more for me than He is saying, but doesn't want to discuss what He said. Any thoughts on this would be most welcome and if you may need other info please ask. i love this man and know in my heart that He is the one meant to own me.

sunshinemiss -> RE: My first post: Respectful request for help in understanding. (4/22/2008 1:17:33 AM)
Hello pet, My grandma always said actions speak louder than words. How long you gonna sit there and listen to his silence? Here's my question to you.... What has he done to prove he is worthy of you? hmmmm? And there's a book... He's Just Not That Into You.... check it out sometime... and read it... and then tell us... * for the record - that book is not a dig at the OP... it's a really good book that cuts through the chase... She might find he actually IS into her.. i dunno... peace, sunshine

DDraigeuraid -> RE: My first post: Respectful request for help in understanding. (4/22/2008 1:26:00 AM)
hmmm. A couple questions if I may. Are you both approx the same age? Has he been involved with the lifestyle very long? The reason I am asking, sometimes in this whatever it is that we do, the Doms get the notion that they have to be standoffish, maybe a bit cold. If he is really not that way, but thinks that is how a Dom is supposed to be, then maybe he does have a hard time with the disconnect? Mostly guessing here. I wish the two of you much happiness. No one ever said it was going to be easy. If they did they were lying. Dragon

julietsierra -> RE: My first post: Respectful request for help in understanding. (4/22/2008 2:52:53 AM)
I know you want answers and what he's saying doesn't sound like answers but they are. And they are NOT necessarily negative ones. Stop for a moment and just BE. Do what he says. Quit pushing. It sounds like as long as you keep on pushing for answers - for him to commit - he's not going to. So just STOP. Let this relationship of yours develop naturally. Quit striving to take control of it by trying to force his hand on the whole committment thing. Seven months isn't all that long. And honestly, just maybe he wants you to want HIM - not the collar. Let the collar not matter more than the man and see what you get. If he's like some men I know, if you keep asking him, nudging him, pushing him, what you want is the last thing you're going to get. If you allow him to do things in his own time verses according to whatever calendar you're following, what you want is going to happen much faster - because HE will be the one making those decisions. Each time you ask, nudge, push, you're telling him you're not ready to allow him to take control. I have a Master like that, so while I don't know you and your's, I have had some experience at this whole "let things happen naturally" idea. Sometimes it's hard, but it's more than worth it. One night, I was watching an old episode of Friends. I watched the folks on that show and how they had such long standing friendships and yet while one of the couples kept getting married and divorced, what stood them in good stead was friendship. That started me thinking about all those vanilla couples that are together for years without pushing for marriage. I kinda liked how they could just enjoy each other without pushing for the next brass ring out there. And I realized that maybe this whole idea of just letting things occur naturally might be a good idea. I tried it. I was much calmer, much more content and amazingly, all the things I'd been pushing for before but never getting, started happening. So just stop. Breathe. Enjoy the MAN. Quit chasing the collar. You might surprise yourself. I bet you'll please HIM very much. juliet

RCdc -> RE: My first post: Respectful request for help in understanding. (4/22/2008 3:04:18 AM)
Hello pet What I suggest is that you are trying to get him to decide something before he desires. If you are wishing to submit to him, then let him decide the ifs and whens. Do not push or keep asking. If you are unhappy with this, then you must walk away. Only you can decide if the time frame is too long for you or whether you can wait as long as it takes. The more you push, the more you will force him away. When I wished to submit to Darcy, it was the hardest part of my submission to learn patience. It took many, many months for him to decide whether he would accept me and it was my decision to submit to that and just 'be'. Accepting someones submission is not as easy as simply loving and saying 'yes'. Maybe these many months are too much and you may need to find someone compatable for you? the.dark.

BitaTruble -> RE: My first post: Respectful request for help in understanding. (4/22/2008 3:06:58 AM)
You've been with him for seven months.. but joined the site only two months ago and your profile clearly states you are seeking a dominant. Maybe you're not into him as much as you think you are. Is he aware of your profile here? It sure sounds as if he has a lot of reason to hold off on committing to you right now. Perhaps a mirror? Celeste

RavenMuse -> RE: My first post: Respectful request for help in understanding. (4/22/2008 3:15:16 AM)
A saying My girl is probably fed up with as it is one I use often "words are cheep, actions speak far louder" Frankly if He doesn't know what He wants after seven months then it is likely he doesn't want it. From the actions He wants all the fun stuff but doesn't want to commit to the responcibility involved in doing this properly. Time to shit or get off the pot!

julietsierra -> RE: My first post: Respectful request for help in understanding. (4/22/2008 3:20:47 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: BitaTruble You've been with him for seven months.. but joined the site only two months ago and your profile clearly states you are seeking a dominant. Maybe you're not into him as much as you think you are. Is he aware of your profile here? It sure sounds as if he has a lot of reason to hold off on committing to you right now. Perhaps a mirror? Celeste Yup. I noticed that as well. But it was after I posted. Sounds like there's more at issue here than just a Dominant who won't commit. juliet

DesFIP -> RE: My first post: Respectful request for help in understanding. (4/22/2008 3:32:42 AM)
I'm a great believer in compatibility, and that part of being compatible means being in the same place at the same time. You want/need more than he's giving you. He isn't going to give you any more now. It's possible that he might wake up in four years and say "Eureka" you are/were his soulmate. But it's damned unlikely. The question you need to answer is if you are happy right now without him committing to you, knowing he doesn't love you. If yes, then stay in the relationship until it becomes a no, if ever. If the answer is no, then move on to get your needs met elsewhere because he's already told you he isn't planning to ever meet your needs.

Focus50 -> RE: My first post: Respectful request for help in understanding. (4/22/2008 3:34:03 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: lilonepet i have never posted on this forum or any other forum so please forgive any ignorance i may show. What motivate me to post is the hope that i might find some help understanding why the Dom i am under consideration with still says He doesn't know how He feels about me after seven and a half months. i don't want this to be long and drawn out but i do need to give a little info i think. He doesn't want to define the relationship, He said we needed to take a step back. However nothing seemed different. He says i delight Jim a great deal, He likes having me around, that i'm sexy as hell, and i'm a wonderful woman. i have asked Him what i can do to worthy of His ownership, he told me nothing. That i should not push so hard. His words at times seem to say that He doesn't think we will be anything more. But when i say this to Him he tells me that maybe i don't understand what He is saying, that He is willing to see where it goes. i guess my confusion comes from a lot of the time His actions don't match His words and sometimes He says things that would indicate He feels more for me than He is saying, but doesn't want to discuss what He said. Any thoughts on this would be most welcome and if you may need other info please ask. i love this man and know in my heart that He is the one meant to own me. Short answer is that he's lost...! He's pushing you back and keeping you at arm's length etc most likely because he's actually unsure of how to be your dom/master etc - or anyones, for that matter. And he's waaaay too proud to admit his "failings". I get the feeling that he's fine with the boy/girl dynamic with you but that he's in over his head with a Dom/sub dynamic. The beauty of being a pretend dom is that everytime they get stuck, they just puff out the chest and push the submissive back, thus actually creating the illusion of being dominant. That in turn appeals to the sub but it's only a temporary "fix" until the doubts inevitably return and you again ask yourself. "Is that really all there is...?" So this is where you tell me that he's a known member of the scene for two decades and has owned a dozen previous subs.... lol Focus.

lilonepet -> RE: My first post: Respectful request for help in understanding. (4/22/2008 3:53:49 AM)
yes He is aware of my profile. He too has one on here. and yes i realize that it may look as if i am insincere. However as we all know there is always more to things that what they may appear. i do not believe i need justify my profile or my reasons for posting it.

lilonepet -> RE: My first post: Respectful request for help in understanding. (4/22/2008 3:56:20 AM)
thank you for your thoughts. it really is difficult for me but i have been working on it. Sometimes it is just so confusing when someone's acttions and words don't match.

KatyLied -> RE: My first post: Respectful request for help in understanding. (4/22/2008 4:08:32 AM)
When actions don't match words I always consider the actions to be the tell.

lilonepet -> RE: My first post: Respectful request for help in understanding. (4/22/2008 4:12:43 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: KatyLied When actions don't match words I always consider the actions to be the tell. That has always been my thoughts as well. thank you for your thoughts.

lilonepet -> RE: My first post: Respectful request for help in understanding. (4/22/2008 4:15:14 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Focus50 quote: ORIGINAL: lilonepet i have never posted on this forum or any other forum so please forgive any ignorance i may show. What motivate me to post is the hope that i might find some help understanding why the Dom i am under consideration with still says He doesn't know how He feels about me after seven and a half months. i don't want this to be long and drawn out but i do need to give a little info i think. He doesn't want to define the relationship, He said we needed to take a step back. However nothing seemed different. He says i delight Jim a great deal, He likes having me around, that i'm sexy as hell, and i'm a wonderful woman. i have asked Him what i can do to worthy of His ownership, he told me nothing. That i should not push so hard. His words at times seem to say that He doesn't think we will be anything more. But when i say this to Him he tells me that maybe i don't understand what He is saying, that He is willing to see where it goes. i guess my confusion comes from a lot of the time His actions don't match His words and sometimes He says things that would indicate He feels more for me than He is saying, but doesn't want to discuss what He said. Any thoughts on this would be most welcome and if you may need other info please ask. i love this man and know in my heart that He is the one meant to own me. Short answer is that he's lost...! He's pushing you back and keeping you at arm's length etc most likely because he's actually unsure of how to be your dom/master etc - or anyones, for that matter. And he's waaaay too proud to admit his "failings". I get the feeling that he's fine with the boy/girl dynamic with you but that he's in over his head with a Dom/sub dynamic. The beauty of being a pretend dom is that everytime they get stuck, they just puff out the chest and push the submissive back, thus actually creating the illusion of being dominant. That in turn appeals to the sub but it's only a temporary "fix" until the doubts inevitably return and you again ask yourself. "Is that really all there is...?" So this is where you tell me that he's a known member of the scene for two decades and has owned a dozen previous subs.... lol Focus. No actually i won't tell you that for that would be a lie.

ProlificNeeds -> RE: My first post: Respectful request for help in understanding. (4/22/2008 4:15:14 AM)
Well your needs are either being met, or they are not. Either you continue on, as-you-are in the relationship, or you move on. You can't make him change or want somethign he does not care about. So decide for yourself, are you happy in your current situation, or is it time for you to move along to someone who can meet your needs? Appreciate what you do have or move along and find something better, the choice is yours, not his.

RCdc -> RE: My first post: Respectful request for help in understanding. (4/22/2008 4:42:01 AM)
This is Darcy It is true that sometimes we need to figure out exactly where we are in our lives, where we want to be, and who we want to be there with. When I met *the.dark* I was dealing with the fallout of a failed marriage, and while I knew in my heart that I had found the woman that I wanted to be with, who would finally complete me and fill the *dark* shaped hole in my life that I hadn't even realised was there until she came along, my head was telling me that I should hold back, that it was too soon, and so I became distant and unable to commit, which caused *the.dark* great confusion and uncertainty. Throughout this time, I found it difficult to articulate my thoughts and my feelings, and so I was quiet, distant, and non-commital. To *the.dark* of course this was not at all useful. She would tell me how she felt, what she desired, but I was unable to reply to her, because I have a tendency to shut down and withdraw when I am emotionally vulnerably, kind of like a defence mechanism. Had the.dark chosen to walk away at any point during my confusion then I would have understood completely, as try as she might she was unable to penetrate the barrier that I had thrown up in my defence - not from *the.dark, you understand, but from my fear of doing the wrong thing for me. All along I knew that the.dark* was, and is, a wonderful, remarkable woman, but I was suffering from self-doubt, and didn't want to drag her along for the ride if it turned out I was on another rollercoaster ride through emotional and psychological hell. Thankfully *the.dark* retained her belief in me, and we are now very happy togther and looking forward to a lifetime with each other. My point? I guess my point is that *the.dark* saw something in me that was worth waiting for, and that although it made for a very difficult and frustrating time for her, she was even then submitting to me by waiting until I could finally open my eyes and see just what a beautiful, wonderful creature I had been blessed to meet, and to share the rest of my life with. My advice, then, is look deep into yourself and ask yourself whether you are prepared to wait as long as it takes for your Dom, to wait for him to be ready to commit, but to accept that this might never happen (for I do not know him, and so cannot guarantee that like me he is merely going through emotional thunderstorms). If you are, then be patient, and look upon it as learning great patience, as *the.dark* did. If not, then I would suggest that you walk and do not look back.

OldBastardly1 -> RE: My first post: Respectful request for help in understanding. (4/22/2008 5:21:23 AM)
Send him a note that says " i like you. Do You like me? check 'yes' or 'no', please."

WhiteFox77 -> RE: My first post: Respectful request for help in understanding. (4/22/2008 6:08:42 AM)
First question, what's the rush? My girl and I were together for 5 years, and living together for 4 before we were both comfortable making it a 24/7 D/s relationship. By the time we get married this fall we'll have been living together for 6 year. On the flip side, I married my first wife.slave after 4 months. I have a friend in the same boat. She has been in a non D/s relationship with a guy for about 6 years. She wants to get married, he doesn't. He loves her, he says he wants to spend the rest of his life with her, but every time she brings up getting married he pushes back and becomes stand-off-ish. We all (including him) agree that he has some commitment issues. The difference between my friends boy-friend and your friend... They've been together 10 times longer than you two have. As to how he feels about you after seven months... In the grand scheme of life 7 months isn't all that long. And I'd never assume I really knew anyone if I'd known them for less than a year. Hell, if your in my part of the U.S. you've only known him in winter and have never had a summer outting with him. Why not give each other some time, and really get to know each other. Like I said, what's the rush?

IronBear -> RE: My first post: Respectful request for help in understanding. (4/22/2008 7:37:08 AM)
Sounds to me likje he thought he wanted something bad and when he was offered it, he got scared and now doesn't know what to do. Something like a dog chasing a car and if it catches the car all it can to is bark and then piss on the wheels.. has he pissed on your wheels yet or is he still wimpering? Iron Bear Master of Bruin Cottage (A Victorian Lifestyle poly home) "I judge a Man by what I see him do and not by what others tell me he does." (Captain Sir Edward Pellew of the HMS Indefatigable to Midshipman Hornblower ~ C.S. Forrester)

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