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Confused - 4/22/2008 11:58:22 AM

rinjiwan

Posts: 4
Joined: 1/19/2006
Status: offline

Hi everyone.
I am confused. I am fairly new to the lifestyle. A few years. My Dom and I got married and things started changing. I know things change when you marry. My main question is.. and I'm not sure how to word this..

What title would someone be... Dom/sub/switch... if they were dominant all the time but when they go to bed at night they want to be the baby ... the curling up, nursing and being petted... etc.. this isn't the only time that he wants this but it is mainly at night. I enjoy being his submissive and taking care of him. But being put in the role of being his mommy sends a different feeling through me that I don't particulary like. But I am told that he is the Dom and I will do it. Do I, as a sub, have the rigth to refuse to do it.

I appoligize if I didn't word it right... as I said I am confused and wasn't quite sure how to say it...
Thanks

Post #: 1

RE: Confused - 4/22/2008 12:05:00 PM

RCdc

Posts: 8674
Status: offline

Yes you have the right to refuse, but you both should have been honest about this before you got this for.
Did he with hold this info from you? Is it a new thing for him?

Personally, it sounds as though he is a dominant with the desire to bottom in the bedroom. I top occasionally and that doesn;t make me dominant - it means I am submitting to something Master desires. See it as a service and an act of submission - submissives do not have to do everything they enjoy doing - sometimes it's stff you may not like.

But then, Darcy was clear in the beginning and we built our relationship on good communication.

the.dark.

_____________________________

RC&dc

love isnt gazing into each others eyes - it's looking forward in the same direction

(in reply to rinjiwan)

Post #: 2

RE: Confused - 4/22/2008 12:07:40 PM

Taboo4Two

Posts: 170
Joined: 1/1/2004
From: NH, TX
Status: offline

At best the title would be confused....at worst it might be cunningly deceptive.

Many people who are new to the lifestyle go through a process of change as they experience it for the first time. The control freak in vanilla life thinks he's a Dom but then realizes that the submissive or bottom position clicks for him. No harm if he's upfront about it and deals with it on the up and up. However, if he misleads his sub in to believing that he is Dominant to the core and them slowly changes the rules by ordering her to top him he's on the road to disaster.

Eventually she gets nothing of what she needs and questions his motives.

If this type of activity is a hard limit for you tell him. If he refuses to listen you have your answer.

Domino

(in reply to rinjiwan)

Post #: 3

RE: Confused - 4/22/2008 12:12:20 PM

Prinsexx

Posts: 4584
Joined: 8/27/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: rinjiwan

Hi everyone.
I am confused. I am fairly new to the lifestyle. A few years. My Dom and I got married and things started changing. I know things change when you marry. My main question is.. and I'm not sure how to word this..

What title would someone be... Dom/sub/switch... if they were dominant all the time but when they go to bed at night they want to be the baby ... the curling up, nursing and being petted... etc.. this isn't the only time that he wants this but it is mainly at night. I enjoy being his submissive and taking care of him. But being put in the role of being his mommy sends a different feeling through me that I don't particulary like. But I am told that he is the Dom and I will do it. Do I, as a sub, have the rigth to refuse to do it.

I appoligize if I didn't word it right... as I said I am confused and wasn't quite sure how to say it...
Thanks

First off welcome to the forums. Your first post and a very interesting one.
I have been married three times and yes, marriage, whether to a vanilla or bdsm partner changes things.
What emerges in marriage I believe is the whole person rather than the one dimensional version. This is good isn't it? And so I feel it's a psoitive aspect to being married that this new part of your Dom has emerged.
I have two answers to your question. I don't know which one best fits because actually I don;t know you as real time friends and don't know enough on line here but am trying to help.
The first answer is his behaviour remains for him within his dominant position. He is topping you from the bottom; that means he is adopting a submissive position (of which baby is an extreme form) but still being dominant. This might be a passing fantasy which he has always wanted to exert when he has felt strong enough and secure enough to do so.
My second answer is this; he might be a switch and that is that he is, for the most part, say most of the time, say all day, a dominant but switches to a submissive role some of the time. This is when he switches; at night. He is asking you also therefore to switch and adopt the dominat role as his 'mommy'.
I would also like to add that the night time activities might be more role play than his natural everyday demeanour as dominant and might continue or might change into other role play activities.
You can only communicate and talk this throgh.

_____________________________

Owner of asterion

Metawhore.... the sound of a metaphore when gagged
Free woman
Resident thread finisher
To my stalker:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LN2lP_7J7GI&feature=fvwrel

(in reply to rinjiwan)

Post #: 4

RE: Confused - 4/22/2008 12:14:57 PM

FlamingRedhead

Posts: 451
Joined: 3/4/2007
From: Georgia
Status: offline

Adult baby?!? It sounds like you were manipulated into being his mommy. I would certainly discuss this with him and tell him how uncomfortable it is for you. You always have the right to refuse if this isn't something that was agreed upon from the beginning.

_____________________________

I'm so addicted to
All the things you do
When you're going down on me
In between the sheets
Or the sound you make
With every breath you take
It's unlike anything
When you're loving me

(in reply to rinjiwan)

Post #: 5

RE: Confused - 4/22/2008 1:43:41 PM

ResidentSadist

Posts: 12580
Joined: 2/11/2007
From: a mean old Daddy, but I like you - Joni Mitchell
Status: offline

Infantilism: sexual pleasure from dressing, acting, or being treated as a baby.
Fetishes are paraphilias and your Dom has a taste for Infantilism.

As an old fashioned domly type, I do not share the "fetish is a fetish is a fetish" attitude. However, I suspect this modern online community here at collarme would say that a Dom exercising a fetish is no more confusing or out of place than submissives posting Domme style foot worship photos or Masters that practice foot worship on their slaves. In other words, it's all OK.

…I join you in your confusion and can only ask if this was something you signed up for in the first place? Is it truly role reversal?

[edit: type-o]

< Message edited by ResidentSadist -- 4/22/2008 1:46:40 PM >

_____________________________

-=BDSM Book List=- Reading is Fundamental !!!
I give good thread.

(in reply to FlamingRedhead)

Post #: 6

RE: Confused - 4/22/2008 4:08:50 PM

GreedyTop

Posts: 52100
Joined: 5/2/2007
From: Savannah, GA
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Darcyandthedark

Yes you have the right to refuse, but you both should have been honest about this before you got this for.
Did he with hold this info from you? Is it a new thing for him?

Personally, it sounds as though he is a dominant with the desire to bottom in the bedroom. I top occasionally and that doesn;t make me dominant - it means I am submitting to something Master desires. See it as a service and an act of submission - submissives do not have to do everything they enjoy doing - sometimes it's stff you may not like.

But then, Darcy was clear in the beginning and we built our relationship on good communication.

the.dark.

yep, what she said...:)

_____________________________

polysnortatious
Supreme Goddess of Snark
CHARTER MEMBER: Lance's Fag Hags!
Waiting for my madman in a Blue Box.

(in reply to RCdc)

Post #: 7

RE: Confused - 4/23/2008 7:40:39 AM

rinjiwan

Posts: 4
Joined: 1/19/2006
Status: offline

Thanks for all of the great comments.
It isn't something that was discussed before hand only after we were actually married and it wasn't discussed then. He just said it was going to be . I have tried discussing it with him a couple of times and telling him how it made me feel. He would get his feelings hurt and he sulk up and treat me the way a child would..

I have a daughter with ODD and suffers from depression and if I had to spend extra time with her in Dr's offices or conseling... he would want to be the little boy. It was like she was taking time that he felt he should get and even said so on occassion. It wasn't just roll play in the bedroom... Sometimes he would make me feel I had to choose between him and my child.
Just so you all know. He was aware of the problems that my daughter had, except for the depression. She was just diagnosed with that in the last few months.. but the ODD she was diagnosed with at age 5.

Domino.. You are right. I stopped getting what I needed from him and did question his motives.
Thanks to all
rinji

(in reply to GreedyTop)

Post #: 8

RE: Confused - 4/23/2008 8:38:55 AM

Dnomyar

Posts: 7933
Joined: 6/27/2005
Status: offline

She has the right to refuse! Then what. Did she not say that she was married to him. If you are going to give out that kind of advice than at least give out the options. Op write down what options you think you have and try to decide from there.

(in reply to rinjiwan)

Post #: 9

RE: Confused - 4/23/2008 8:45:37 AM

LilMissHaven

Posts: 734
Joined: 12/19/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: rinjiwan

Thanks for all of the great comments.
It isn't something that was discussed before hand only after we were actually married and it wasn't discussed then. He just said it was going to be . I have tried discussing it with him a couple of times and telling him how it made me feel. He would get his feelings hurt and he sulk up and treat me the way a child would..

I have a daughter with ODD and suffers from depression and if I had to spend extra time with her in Dr's offices or conseling... he would want to be the little boy. It was like she was taking time that he felt he should get and even said so on occassion. It wasn't just roll play in the bedroom... Sometimes he would make me feel I had to choose between him and my child.
Just so you all know. He was aware of the problems that my daughter had, except for the depression. She was just diagnosed with that in the last few months.. but the ODD she was diagnosed with at age 5.

Domino.. You are right. I stopped getting what I needed from him and did question his motives.
Thanks to all
rinji

I have honestly never met a Dominant male or female that would put the safety, well being and comfort of a child below their own.

After reading this latest post by you I believe that in your distress you've already come to a conclusion on what you need to do.

You are in my thoughts and prayers,
Haven

_____________________________

I must first learn to master myself, before I can truly be owned by one.

(in reply to rinjiwan)

Post #: 10

RE: Confused - 4/23/2008 8:48:30 AM

Poetryinpain

Posts: 341
Joined: 3/20/2008
Status: offline

At this point, given the information in your latest post, I can only suggest that you visit a counselor. This isn't just about a D/s relationship - it's your marriage, and a marriage is neither entered into nor broken off lightly. However, a marriage that contains an issue such as you appear to be facing needs to be re-tooled.

Don't give up on the marriage, but there are things both of you need to do to get it back on track and keep it there.

pip, wishing you all well

_____________________________

There is none so blind as he who will not see.

(in reply to rinjiwan)

Post #: 11

RE: Confused - 4/23/2008 8:58:18 AM

Madame4a

Posts: 2045
Joined: 2/4/2008
From: Washington, DC area
Status: offline

I have read this post a few times.. particularly your latest post.. and my gut reaction is.. dump him.. that said, its easy for me to say and really isn't good advice...

what really worries me is NOT his age play... if that's what he's into AND you agree.. fine... what worries me is that with age play, you have to know when its appropriate and when its not... you need to be an adult.. OFTEN.. and he clearly doesn't know how to be... especially where your daughter is concerned...

(in reply to rinjiwan)

Post #: 12

RE: Confused - 4/23/2008 1:32:14 PM

LordVelvet

Posts: 311
Joined: 4/25/2006
Status: offline

Before I married My second wife I told her " don't ever make Me chose between you and My son, you will lose" she knew I was dead serious. If he is making you feel that way and won't talk about it as an adult I would really question if he is the man you want to be with. Just My opinion with out knowing all the facts.
LordVelvet

< Message edited by LordVelvet -- 4/23/2008 1:33:03 PM >

_____________________________

It's better to be hated for who you are than loved for who you're not - Van Zant

(in reply to Madame4a)

Post #: 13

RE: Confused - 4/23/2008 1:44:12 PM

KatyLied

Posts: 13029
Joined: 2/24/2005
From: Pennsylvania
Status: offline

Your husband sounds dysfunctional beyond any sort of D/s thing. It sounds like he wants to revert back to childhood. If this is more than play for him he needs to go to counseling and sort it out. If you agreed to submit to everything prior to marriage I guess you need to find a way to happily mother him.

_____________________________

“If you want to live a happy life, tie it to a goal, not to people or things.”
- Albert Einstein

(in reply to LordVelvet)

Post #: 14

RE: Confused - 4/23/2008 3:55:25 PM

rinjiwan

Posts: 4
Joined: 1/19/2006
Status: offline

Thanks again for the great comments.
I have made my decision and I am truly grateful for all the opinions that were given. I was torn for the love I had for him and the love I have for my child. My child can never be replaced..
LordVelvet.. thank you for your comment. I did tell him those exact words he still put me in a position to choose, and He lost. What hurt me the most is that he does not see that he put me in that position.. In his mind he has done nothing wrong.

Katy.. in the beginnng I did not agree to submit to everything. He knew what I would not do but would try to make me submit to things that i oposed.. and I'm sorry if that isn't the way to phrase that. It has been a very tiring day and I have just returned from a 2 hour counseling session with my daughter which is a weekly thing.

Again.. I thank everyone for the comments that they gave. With being put in the middle of the two people I love the most it started to make me wonder if it was just imagining things.. Which was his favorite remark when I would try to talk to him about feelings I was having. You all have been very helpful.

(in reply to KatyLied)

Post #: 15

RE: Confused - 4/23/2008 5:35:16 PM

LuckyAlbatross

Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline

OK so you married him without making him fully aware of the stepchild he was becoming a stepfather to, and he married you without telling you about a serious kink he has and gets all juvenile when it's time to discuss it?

I see problems on all sides here. One might even suggest that due to your daughters problems and your personality that has evolved since, that you would naturally take that type of person under your wing and be attracted to them...until now.

Both of you need to grow up and really work this out to own your issues.

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to rinjiwan)

Post #: 16

RE: Confused - 4/23/2008 5:53:14 PM

rinjiwan

Posts: 4
Joined: 1/19/2006
Status: offline

No... he knew of the problems of my daughter.. the ODD part.. the depression was just diagnosed and part of that stems from the way he treated her. As far as his kink.. had I known.. I wouldn't have even considered it. I have a child. I didnn't need another one. I wanted a Dom who acted like one not one who would get upset and sulk like a child because my daughter need me.. As and adult and parent wheather it be step or otherwise.. their comes responsibilities.. and children come first and if not, my opion is that it doesn't say much for the persons character. Had he wanted someone with out children or the responsibility then he should have made that known and never persued a relationship in D/s or in marriage.. But everyone has their on opinion and I appreciat your comment.

(in reply to rinjiwan)

Post #: 17

RE: Confused - 4/23/2008 5:56:11 PM

LuckyAlbatross

Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline

Sounds like your mind is pretty much maade up- find a good counselor to see if you can work through it together, or say its over.

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to rinjiwan)

Post #: 18

RE: Confused - 4/23/2008 5:58:47 PM

Poetryinpain

Posts: 341
Joined: 3/20/2008
Status: offline

OP, you and he definitely need to have a serious talk, perhaps with a kink-aware counselor. He married you, daughter and all. I don't know what was going on in his mind when he made that choice, but he definitely was thinking things were going to be different than they are.

He's sulking like a little boy that didn't get his own way? Head for the nearest counselor.

I'm not going to say head for the door, because you could not walk out and not feel like something was left unresolved. You indicate that you love him. You both need to sort this out.

pip, holding you in my thoughts

_____________________________

There is none so blind as he who will not see.

(in reply to rinjiwan)

Post #: 19

RE: Confused - 4/23/2008 6:08:45 PM

HerLord

Posts: 697
Joined: 2/14/2008
Status: offline

BLAH BLAH BLAH.

OP. You know what is in your heart. You know what is best for your child. No one here has any thing to say that you have not already said or thought. There maybe a few choice words or phrases put out here that better suit your needs, but in general, you don't need us.

Do what you know is right. Do what feels right for your child. To do any else is... stupid.

_____________________________

"People as a whole think they want to hear the truth, until they hear it." -Stormism

(in reply to Poetryinpain)

Post #: 20

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