Collarspace Discussion Forums


Home  Login  Search 

RE: I should be elated but...I'm not


View related threads: (in this forum | in all forums)

Logged in as: Guest
 
All Forums >> [Casual Banter] >> Off the Grid >> RE: I should be elated but...I'm not Page: <<   < prev  1 2 [3]
Login
Message << Older Topic   Newer Topic >>
RE: I should be elated but...I'm not - 4/24/2008 11:43:32 AM   
lusciouslips19


Posts: 9792
Joined: 9/8/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: ownedgirlie

quote:

ORIGINAL: lusciouslips19

When things end, so does responsibility to it. Along with the many emotions comes relief. This coming from someone in the process of closing a failing business. Now I can tick off a number of things on my list of loose ends and start anew.


It's a great perspective, and one I found to be really helpful.  Handing over half of my retirement account was not fun, especially given the tens of thousands I spent trying to maintain our house (which we lost), our bills, etc.  My Mom and I would talk about it often, and we looked at it as a check off list, like you said.  Now, just as you said, it's time to start anew and rebuild.  And I know I'm fully capable of that.  Now I can move forward!

Way to go, with your attitude.  Kudos to you.  It's a hard process to go through, but the right perspective helps tremendously!  I appreciate your words.  :)


not too many kudos please. I have been running from creditors and my emotions are all over the place. You just caught me on a good day where I have made good on a couple of things and took care of a few loose ends. Its a process, not perfection. Most of the time I would just like to crawl into a whole and hide.

_____________________________

Original Pimpette,
Keeper of Original Home Flag and Fire of Mr. Lance Hughes
Charter member of Lance's Fag Hags,
Member of the Subbie Mafia
Princess of typos and it's my prerogative

(in reply to ownedgirlie)
Profile   Post #: 41
RE: I should be elated but...I'm not - 4/24/2008 11:47:22 AM   
ownedgirlie


Posts: 9184
Joined: 2/5/2006
Status: offline 		Aww hun, well enjoy the good day.  This divorce cost me my credit, too.  My home phone was unplugged for most of last year to avoid calls about bills the ex racked up in my name and didn't pay.  For each thing you check off, celebrate it and build momentum to the next.  And the fact that you're NOT crawling into a hole even though you want to is courage you should feel good about.



_____________________________

Good is the enemy of great.

(in reply to lusciouslips19)
Profile   Post #: 42
RE: I should be elated but...I'm not - 4/24/2008 4:16:27 PM   
Level


Posts: 25145
Joined: 3/3/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: ownedgirlie

quote:

ORIGINAL: sambamanslilgirl
...but at least i've moved on with my life unlike my ex who thinks i'll come crawling back to him.


This is the best thing you could do, too.  Just yesterday, he said with proper counseling, I could come to my senses and reconcile.

Maybe he thinks proper counseling is a labotomy??


Oy vey
 
I'm glad you've gotten this done, sweet lady. *hugsssssssssssss*

_____________________________

Fake the heat and scratch the itch
Skinned up knees and salty lips
Let go it's harder holding on
One more trip and I'll be gone

~~ Stone Temple Pilots

(in reply to ownedgirlie)
Profile   Post #: 43
RE: I should be elated but...I'm not - 4/24/2008 4:24:19 PM   
metalmiss


Posts: 341
Joined: 5/4/2005
From: Croydon, UK
Status: offline 		At the end of the day a piece of paper, a signature on the dotted line, the legal finality is nothing. You have gone through the emotional trauma long ago, had a long time to deal with the break up and the instability & insecurities that it brought. That's all in the past.

So when it comes down to having something finalised by law, nothing has really changed.. Because it was over long ago. There's probably just some small element of relief that now you don't have to deal with the bureaucrats anymore.


_____________________________

"The longing to serve, to submit, to abandon oneself sexually, emotionally, and physically makes one a slave either to a Man, a Woman or to God. Submission to that passion is divine degradation." - Dorothy C. Hayden

Owned by RavenMuse

(in reply to ownedgirlie)
Profile   Post #: 44
RE: I should be elated but...I'm not - 4/24/2008 4:28:42 PM   
LuckyAlbatross


Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline 		My high school graduation was like that.  After all the effort I put into my high school and being Ms. Extra Curricular, giving a speech at graduation and all, I'd expected a big emotional thing.  Of course, that week I had one of the worst colds in my life. 

But when it actually happened, inside myself I just felt blank- like I knew I'd already moved on and this was past me now.

I also tend to mourn in patches over time.  When someone in my family dies I tend to have some immediate grief, but then not much after that immediately.  Over time though the memories will come up and the full realization will hit and that will knock me down for awhile.

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to ownedgirlie)
Profile   Post #: 45
RE: I should be elated but...I'm not - 4/24/2008 4:48:07 PM   
Maya2001


Posts: 1656
Joined: 8/22/2007
From: Woodstock ONT,CANADA
Status: offline 		Similiar story I left an emotionally and phyiscally abusive marriage

it took almost 4 years almost to  the date to get the divorce, I thought I would be wanting to party and celebrate the  final end when I recieved my papers ...instead sobbed tears of relieve, the  main reason as  part of the divorce settlement  granted to me by the judge was  sole custody of our child --with him no further claims or involvement... in the end the safety of my son was more important than the divorce


_____________________________

Lead me not into temptation - I can find the way myself

(in reply to ownedgirlie)
Profile   Post #: 46
RE: I should be elated but...I'm not - 4/24/2008 9:25:32 PM   
ownedgirlie


Posts: 9184
Joined: 2/5/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: metalmiss

At the end of the day a piece of paper, a signature on the dotted line, the legal finality is nothing.


Actually in this case, the legal finality is a lot.  It means I can work without him attaching my wages, and I can stop paying for his insurance and car.  It means I can finally start to financially rebuild.  This is what I've been waiting for.  The relationship was over a long time ago, though, so I understand what you mean.  But this is a rather important piece of paper.  One I've been fighting for, for a long time.  :)

_____________________________

Good is the enemy of great.

(in reply to metalmiss)
Profile   Post #: 47
RE: I should be elated but...I'm not - 4/24/2008 9:26:59 PM   
ownedgirlie


Posts: 9184
Joined: 2/5/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Level

quote:

ORIGINAL: ownedgirlie

quote:

ORIGINAL: sambamanslilgirl
...but at least i've moved on with my life unlike my ex who thinks i'll come crawling back to him.


This is the best thing you could do, too.  Just yesterday, he said with proper counseling, I could come to my senses and reconcile.

Maybe he thinks proper counseling is a labotomy??


Oy vey
 
I'm glad you've gotten this done, sweet lady. *hugsssssssssssss*


Thank you, Level!!  Now I don't have to do this anymore in bi-weekly negotiation meetings.  That's a relief in itself!  Hugssssssssssss right back!!!

_____________________________

Good is the enemy of great.

(in reply to Level)
Profile   Post #: 48
RE: I should be elated but...I'm not - 4/24/2008 9:30:30 PM   
ownedgirlie


Posts: 9184
Joined: 2/5/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: LuckyAlbatross
I also tend to mourn in patches over time.  When someone in my family dies I tend to have some immediate grief, but then not much after that immediately.  Over time though the memories will come up and the full realization will hit and that will knock me down for awhile.


This is a really good point, too.  I don't necessarily mourn in patches, but I tend to process behind the scenes in my mind for awhile.  I think it hasn't dawned on me yet that I don't have to sit across the table from him anymore.  Wow.

Then again, it doesn't feel "real" yet, until the court stamps it real.  Knowing him he will claim "distress" and the whole thing will need to be reviewed!   Ack.  If that happens I'll poke him in the eye!

_____________________________

Good is the enemy of great.

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)
Profile   Post #: 49
RE: I should be elated but...I'm not - 4/24/2008 9:34:53 PM   
ownedgirlie


Posts: 9184
Joined: 2/5/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Maya2001

Similiar story I left an emotionally and phyiscally abusive marriage

it took almost 4 years almost to  the date to get the divorce, I thought I would be wanting to party and celebrate the  final end when I recieved my papers ...instead sobbed tears of relieve, the  main reason as  part of the divorce settlement  granted to me by the judge was  sole custody of our child --with him no further claims or involvement... in the end the safety of my son was more important than the divorce



Wow, Maya, so glad about the custody of your son.

That's what I did.  I left the attorney's office, got in my car, called my mom and burst into tears.  I was relieved that those brutal meetings and battles were over...and then I missed my Dad.  I went to my Mom's and curled up in his chair.  (I do that sometimes).  My former boss already has a champagne get together planned at her place, to toast me.  Eek.  Very sweet, but I asked her to please keep it small.  She was with me for most of it (a lot of this happened as my Dad was dying) and is really relieved.  My Mom took me to dinner last night, and my brother did tonight. 

Goodness, does divorce make you fat, from everyone taking you out?! 

_____________________________

Good is the enemy of great.

(in reply to Maya2001)
Profile   Post #: 50
RE: I should be elated but...I'm not - 4/25/2008 4:44:55 AM   
hejira92


Posts: 2272
Joined: 10/27/2005
From: Palm Beach County, Fl
Status: offline 		Oh Sweetie, I so know how you feel.
 
Last sept. would have been my 20th anniversary, if he had lived.
 
He left me in debt, brought a crazy-ass girlfriend into the lives of my kids (who told them lies and poisoned them against me), had a new baby with her while we were still married, bounced checks to everyone (including the kids' school and our divorce mediator), let my car be repossessed and lied to me about it and then got mad at me when I finally paid for the divorce to be finalized by myself just so it could be over.
 
He never paid a dime of child support, then took off out of state and left me with two children who had been taught for two years that I was a bad and neglectful mother (and that their older brother- who refused to see the father or the crazy girlfriend- was not really their father's child.)
 
And then he died of a brain tumor 11 months later.
 
And through it all, I could hardly muster up enough caring to be angry (over my kids, yes. At him- he wasn't worth the energy).
 
It's been almost 2 years now since he took off and, with Master's help, my younger kids are healing (it was only 3 months ago that the youngest told me she loves me- spontaneously).
 
But, when the divorce finally happened, I never felt elated or celebratory, just relieved. By then I was so ready to not deal with the attorneys and court dates any more. My life was already so much better- as is yours. I was already living past it, no need to give it any more energy that could be spent on my future.
 
The weird thing is, now that he's passed, I think of good things about him- the potential he had as a young man, his intellect and sense of humor. I wonder how I can mourn someone who hurt me so, but, hey, I mourn my father, don't I? And forgiving him helps me with the kids- I don't want them to be too scarred by the death of their dad- or be afraid to talk about him or think well of him in front of me. He was a dick to me, but he loved them as best he could.
 
I think I've gone off topic here......
 
The hardest part was to forgive myself in everything. I choose to marry him, and stay with him, and ignore the red flags. The hardest work was already done by the time the divorce was final. It was totally anti-climactic. If you think you shoudl celebrate- celebrate your strength, your new relationship, the lessons learned and the journey (with all its twists, turns, hurts and triumphs) that leads us to where we are now- finally, the right place.



_____________________________

Property of Cuffkinks

Member:
The Pimpettes
MoGa's IN-Crowd

"You're the gleam in my eye, the smile on my face and the bulge in my pants" - Cuffkinks

(in reply to ownedgirlie)
Profile   Post #: 51
RE: I should be elated but...I'm not - 4/25/2008 4:49:53 AM   
lilabbotsfordgrl


Posts: 140
Joined: 1/4/2008
Status: offline 		what a great post, hejira92

(in reply to hejira92)
Profile   Post #: 52
RE: I should be elated but...I'm not - 4/25/2008 6:20:37 AM   
ownedgirlie


Posts: 9184
Joined: 2/5/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: hejira92

The hardest part was to forgive myself in everything. I choose to marry him, and stay with him, and ignore the red flags. The hardest work was already done by the time the divorce was final. It was totally anti-climactic. If you think you shoudl celebrate- celebrate your strength, your new relationship, the lessons learned and the journey (with all its twists, turns, hurts and triumphs) that leads us to where we are now- finally, the right place.




Big hugs to you, hejira.  I remember the process I went through in forgiving myself - very difficult, indeed.  I had to ask myself why I let him treat me that way all those years.  Why was it OK with me to be treated like that?  Once I could answer that question, I could begin to heal, and I could begin to forgive him, too, for simply being himself.

You are right, about what should be celebrated.  I suppose I have already been doing that, by the way I've been living lately.  :)

Thanks for sharing what you did.  I am appreciative of everyone who posted here, as you helped me see this anti-climactic response is actually normal, and indicative of healing and letting go.  I so rarely begin threads; I wasn't sure whether to begin this one.  But I'm glad I did. 

_____________________________

Good is the enemy of great.

(in reply to hejira92)
Profile   Post #: 53
RE: I should be elated but...I'm not - 4/25/2008 8:43:35 AM   
velvetears


Posts: 2933
Joined: 6/19/2006
Status: offline 		i think when we have expectations about how we should feel, or will feel, about a particular event in our lives, we will almost always be surprised and maybe even slightly disappointed at how we actually feel after it is all over. 

You have probably worked out most of what you feel personally about the break up over the course of years, especially in having to deal with such vindictiveness and cruelty from him.  You're feelings will evolve over time and i susupect a great sense of relief and freedom will be formost in your psyche

Congratulations on beginning your new life with out the financial ball and chain dragging you down!

_____________________________

Religion is for people who are scared of hell, Spirituality is for people who have been there

(in reply to ownedgirlie)
Profile   Post #: 54
RE: I should be elated but...I'm not - 4/25/2008 9:49:18 AM   
ownedgirlie


Posts: 9184
Joined: 2/5/2006
Status: offline 		Hi Velvetears,

You are right - I've had so much help and love in my life the last couple of years that I really do think I've worked most of my anger and grief out.  In fact, my family is still so angry - I can see it in them every time we talk about it.  I hate that because anger really only affects the one who is angry and I don't want them to have to deal with all that. 

I think you are absolutely right, about relief evolving over time.  My friends and I are going on vacation next week and one of them themed our vacation "The Freedom Trip".  Ha.  They are nuts. 

Thank you for your words, and for the congratulations.  Financial ball and chain is a great term for what that was!!  That was awesome.  Hugs to you! 

_____________________________

Good is the enemy of great.

(in reply to velvetears)
Profile   Post #: 55
Page:   <<   < prev  1 2 [3]
All Forums >> [Casual Banter] >> Off the Grid >> RE: I should be elated but...I'm not Page: <<   < prev  1 2 [3]
Jump to:





New Messages No New Messages
Hot Topic w/ New Messages Hot Topic w/o New Messages
Locked w/ New Messages Locked w/o New Messages
 Post New Thread
 Reply to Message
 Post New Poll
 Submit Vote
 Delete My Own Post
 Delete My Own Thread
 Rate Posts




Collarchat.com © 2025
Terms of Service Privacy Policy Spam Policy

0.094