My Wife Has Feelings of Submission...but also fears it...

My Wife Has Feelings of Submission...but also fears it... (Full Version)

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InTexas -> My Wife Has Feelings of Submission...but also fears it... (4/24/2008 6:13:02 AM)
Hi, I'm hoping to find some help here from all of you wonderful subs!!! First, let me say sorry for the long post...but I felt you would need the background info. Thanks for your help. I met my wife two years ago...I had come out of a bad 20 year marriage and she had come out of a 30 year marriage. We both had excellent reasons to leave our marriages...it wasn't just a "sorry, I don't like you anymore" kind of thing. Anyway, we met...and one of the first things I learned from her was that she was a virgin when she married...that she never enjoyed sex (her vagina is very, very tight and small...as is she)...and that she didn't feel like she could ever please a man. After knowing each other for a while, we began to have sex and it fairly quickly took a turn toward BDSM....SHE LOVED IT!! While she had troubles with the pain...she would get so wet after a good whipping, that I could get right in no problem, no pain to her. Her orgasms were amazing and she fantasized for the first time in her life....and she was proactive for the first time in her life in trying to be sexy for her partner! Over the months we went deeper into the lifestyle...she went from being a sex slave to becoming a full time slave...we were into suspension...whips...bondage...mummification...clamps...obedience training...punishment...objectification...humiliation...the whole nine yards. It turned her on so much...both the sex and the fact that she was pleasing me...that when we would go shopping and I would give her an order, her thong would get so wet, she'd need to bring extras in her purse so she could change. She got so used to calling me "Master" that she even started doing it when I'd call her at work...without thinking about it...I'd have to remind her where she was. But after a about three months of being a full time slave, she felt like that was not for her....although she's not been as happy since....but we continued with the BDSM in the bedroom....at her request. Then we decided to get married....her sister (a real hypocritical Bible thumper...and I don't say that in mean fashion...I'm a very devout Christain...but she's just mean spirited) laid a ton of guilt on her about her divorce...my wife felt like maybe she was being too submissive...and she decided she didn't want the sex anymore...and so we stopped. Now fast forward one year..... We are now married and our sex life simply is not the same...and she knows it. We can't make love anymore because she's so dry and tight...it's too painful for her. BUT...there were about three times that she agreed to doing some BDSM stuff for me...and every time she's drenching wet and able to have sex and have incredible orgasms. So, now she's saying...okay, I've got to figure out what's going on here. She acknowledges that BDSM turns her on physically and that it gives her great orgasms and turns her on physically, but she tells me that the problem has always been that she just can't reconcile in her mind that her body is turned on by being whipped, spanked, strung up, and humiliated....it doesn't make sense to her. But she also acknowledges that she misses the great sex and orgasms and that she misses pleasing me. How can I help her....or can she be helped? She tells me she knows she has got to get her head right and just accept the fact that BDSM turns her one...that it is a normal and acceptable sexaul practice...that there is nothing biblically wrong with it...and that it's okay for her to be turned on by pain and obedience. I'd really like to do whatever I can to help her. subs....do you have any suggestions. Again, sorry the post is so long!!! In Texas

heartfeltsub -> RE: My Wife Has Feelings of Submission...but also fears it... (4/24/2008 6:29:06 AM)
In Texas, The issues that your wife is having, are all issues that i have had to work through. am a devout christian and for many years struggled with my need for, desire for BDSM activities. Please feel free to have her contact me offline (ie email me at collarme) if she would like to discuss this. heartfelt

Mercnbeth -> RE: My Wife Has Feelings of Submission...but also fears it... (4/24/2008 7:42:53 AM)
quote: I'd really like to do whatever I can to help her. Take charge. If you can't find someone, or ideally a couple, in your area to work with you. Not regarding the physical/sensation aspect, obviously from your story you've already got that covered; but the mental/emotional processing of emotions and feelings. Religion and being religious does not exclude your from having a BDSM relationship. Making your partner happy and fulfilled is a description of marriage in all religions. How you accomplish that is personal between the partners. One last thing, whether it's her sister or anyone else in your lives, they are all references. None represent the 'one true way' religiously or relationship. You have to honor your relationship more than anything else in your life. It should be that important. You also have to be selfish in your relationship. Your relationship should get the highest consideration and be considered when making any decision. When you are thinking about what to do you can put it in a religious context and use a familiar phase. What would Jesus do - if he were in this relationship?

Poetryinpain -> RE: My Wife Has Feelings of Submission...but also fears it... (4/24/2008 8:24:48 AM)
I can understand the struggles your wife is going through. She wants to be a good Christian, and she wants to satisfy the demands of her body - and her body seems to demand submission. Somewhere along the line she seems to have picked up that being a sexually fulfilled woman is un-christian. I second the advice given by heartfelt and mercnbeth. This is your marriage - yours and hers - not her sister's or any other person's. If she can ignore her sister, or better yet suggest to her sister that she would appreciate the sister keeping her nose out of her personal life, that would help greatly. If there were good and compelling reasons for her to end her marriage, then that's that. There is nothing in the Bible that says one must stay married if the marriage is unhealthy. She made a positive choice, and she needs to recognize and celebrate that choice - and be proud of herself for doing it. BTW, kudos to you for sticking by her and doing what you can to help her through this. As heartfelt suggested, see if you can find some friends who are in the lifestyle who can help you work this through. pip, wishing you both true happiness

FRSguy -> RE: My Wife Has Feelings of Submission...but also fears it... (4/24/2008 9:15:25 AM)
I am a Dom not a Sub but I would say that the problems she is facing is actually extreamly common for someone getting into this lifestyle ... that being said introduce her to heartfeltsub like she sugested... the help she is offering by the way is a leap so to speak and shouldnt be taken lightly and is your best chance because someone that is allready a happy sub can help your wife wade through the bullshit. You should, if possible, create a screen name for the both of you and come on hear as a team so to speak to ask questions meet other couples to answer your questions but if you do that you should create some rules in regard as to how you use the site as to keep it from becoming a problem (because of what you wrote I can see where it could blow up on you). I would also suggest you take better charge of what is going on with her. Its not really Domly thing but rather a husband thing ... the two of you have to function as a team no mater what dinamic you choose. A lot of what you wrote has to do with self esteem and image and ballancing two different life styles.... that can be done.... she dosnt know how to do it so you have to help her through it. The other thing I would suggest is that somehow she has to get over the embarasment enough so that you can help yourselves.... actually do something about this.... if you succeed you both stand a chance of being very happy. The problems you are facing are simply a matter of perspective. A good pep talk goes a long way in reasuring her that she still gets to keep the other parts of her life and that she dosnt look like an idiot in your eyes and she still retains control over her life. Just going to add --- you yourself should pic some dialog on this board. Remember to ballance all those warm fuzzies out that people get durring vanilla sex that they dont get as much of in bdsm.... those things have to come out in the other parts of the relationship otherwise subs tend to feal lost. The sex is really the small part of equasion and needs to be ballanced out with the other things that go on.

DesFIP -> RE: My Wife Has Feelings of Submission...but also fears it... (4/24/2008 9:49:36 AM)
Submission is one thing and pain play is another, she needs to learn the difference between pain play and being enslaved without a will of her own. Because masochist does not automatically mean submissive. I don't see you controlling her daily life, just engaging in play. However, as a way to get over the guilt about enjoying pain sexually, compare it to food. You're in Texas, I imagine you eat spicy food a lot. If someone needed to add hot sauce to enjoy their scrambled eggs in the morning, would she consider that sick or evil? Probably not, she would be able to see it was just a taste bud thing. And yet, some people put enough hot sauce on their food that they tear up and have to search for tissues. So why is it okay to need an intense taste when you eat and not when you have sex? Why is a taste for pain perfectly normal with dinner but not normal two hours later at bedtime?

batshalom -> RE: My Wife Has Feelings of Submission...but also fears it... (4/24/2008 1:00:59 PM)
Ewwwwwwwww Celeste. ~giving Celeste a jealous look~ I wish I'd thought of that before you did. ~folding her arms across her chest~

kiwisub12 -> RE: My Wife Has Feelings of Submission...but also fears it... (4/24/2008 2:32:52 PM)
If she wants to look at submission and receiving pain in a biblical sense, then she is submitting to her husband - who likes his wife wet and happy. The two of you can keep this part of your relationship in the bedroom, and Jesus wouldn't want the two of you unhappy. He wanted everybody happy. You can also tell her that it is actually normal sexual behaviour - abet on the outer edge of normal. It doesn't hurt anyone else, so there is no harm in it. Seems to me your wife has issues from way back, and speaking for my self, i benefitted greatly from a kink friendly therapist. He finally got me to where wanting to be hurt was ok - weird, but ok. He also gave me permission to not react to family pressure, which made things easier in some things. the most important thing that he enabled me to see was that it is ok for me to be happy. and i am - very happy and bdsm is a very large part of that. It bought me my Sir and a sex life that i did't know i could enjoy. Your wife needs to see that she has the RIGHT to be happy. And different things make different people happy. If smack and tickle makes her happy - she needs to go for it.

Lordandmaster -> RE: My Wife Has Feelings of Submission...but also fears it... (4/24/2008 2:40:10 PM)
This is the part I don't understand. Why on earth did you get married before figuring this out? You know, not all problems have a solution. It's up to her to decide what kind of life she wants to lead, and meanwhile you're being held hostage by her fucked-up sense of self because you decided to marry her before she was ready to make a final decision about who she is and what she needs in life. I can understand people marrying too soon at an early age (I did the same), but REMARRYING too soon after bad, decades-long marriages? That one baffles me. quote: ORIGINAL: InTexas Then we decided to get married....her sister (a real hypocritical Bible thumper...and I don't say that in mean fashion...I'm a very devout Christain...but she's just mean spirited) laid a ton of guilt on her about her divorce...my wife felt like maybe she was being too submissive...and she decided she didn't want the sex anymore...and so we stopped. Now fast forward one year..... We are now married and our sex life simply is not the same...and she knows it.

proudsub -> RE: My Wife Has Feelings of Submission...but also fears it... (4/24/2008 9:09:34 PM)
(fast reply) Like others have said these are very common feelings among subs. It might help her to read some of the the threads on these boards about Christianity and BDSM and to learn that she is not alone with these feelings.

MasterFireMaam -> RE: My Wife Has Feelings of Submission...but also fears it... (4/24/2008 10:09:31 PM)
From my Christian days, I seem to recall that anything done in the "marriage bed" between a married couple is sacred, thus, no problem. Read the Song of Solomon some time. Also, if you look around, there are online groups specifically for Christians. Master Fire

madshysoul -> RE: My Wife Has Feelings of Submission...but also fears it... (4/25/2008 12:37:36 AM)
I'm not Christian, but within my spirituality I am very devout. Most BDSM sub/slave roles are directly antithical to what my religious path believes. All the same, there is a happy middle ground... though I won't lie and say it doesn't take quite some work to find it. I'm a bit private about my spirituality, but if she (or you) would like to write me on the other side (CM email), I'm more than happy to share any of my struggles and learning. And major, major kudos to you for being supportive and seeking help for her. She's a very lucky lady. If I could say any one thing to her, it would be that: "What Matters is that all the pieces of your life make you the person you want to see in the mirror. Work every day to be the person you are proud to be, and everything else will work its way out."

Marysboi -> RE: My Wife Has Feelings of Submission...but also fears it... (4/25/2008 4:58:29 AM)
I agree with RFS guy in giving that pep talk and would stress the Trust issue that is so mandatory in a relationship. (any relationship). By doing so you confirm that you would never hurt her, that as the Dom you are responsibility for her welfare and happiness and to a certain degree you take the load off from her. I would hope you could remind her not only of the great sex you had but also of the great happiness that was so good the two of you married.Tell her by your actions that you can be held accountable for the words you speak..Most of these threads are complex and maybe I speak out of turn here not knowing all the dynamics of your relationship. But in my own relationship..I feel closer and and more secure than any vanilla relationship in the past, knowing and counting on my Marys trust that she wont hurt me. There are many good comments here to at least consider a direction..Religion seems a tough issue to overcome and yet after reading some comments maybe not as tough as I though..I'm happy to learn from your post. I wish you Good Luck in your working this out.

blacksword404 -> RE: My Wife Has Feelings of Submission...but also fears it... (4/26/2008 12:19:40 AM)
You have things outside your relationship that are destroying your relationship. There were several examples of masters and slaves in the bible and the lord did not condemn them for it. So why would her sister. Does she think herself higher than the jesus himself. Being in this lifestyle does not require you to break any cristian principles. You know what gets your wife wet the same as she knows. Be happy and let her sister be unhappy. misery loves company.

Littlepita -> RE: My Wife Has Feelings of Submission...but also fears it... (4/26/2008 5:53:47 AM)
Everyone has given you really great advice. I came out of a bad 18 year marriage and am a Christian as well. I had times of struggles over accepting this lifestyle. My Sir helped me so much by keeping our communication always open and positive. He had me journal consistently so that I could really get into my thoughts and feelings about what I want and why I want it. Help your wife by loving her and by being the Master she needs and craves. Good luck.

StormsSlave -> RE: My Wife Has Feelings of Submission...but also fears it... (4/26/2008 2:07:14 PM)
I don't see where having pleasing sex with your husband (biblically the master of the home) is unbiblical? People always feel the need to judge. I've found "honest, christian, loving" types to be the worse judgers of them all. I say do what's right for you, and keep the world out of your bedroom and life. That's just MHO.

DesFIP -> RE: My Wife Has Feelings of Submission...but also fears it... (4/26/2008 2:36:55 PM)
For the religious aspect, the Bible doesn't ever say no s & m, it says no unnatural acts. Now some religious leaders interpret that as meaning that anything that they don't have a hankering for is unnatural for everyone. My religious leader says it means you must be true to yourself. So that it is unnatural for a homosexual to marry and make a heterosexual unhappy. I didn't ask him about BDSM but I think it follows that if for her to enjoy her sexuality, which is a gift from God, she needs BDSM then she would be being unnatural by denying her own needs. I don't see how wanting some pain with her husband is in violation of any of the ten commandments.

velvetears -> RE: My Wife Has Feelings of Submission...but also fears it... (4/26/2008 2:52:54 PM)
The sister needs to be kicked out of the marriage bedroom. What business is it of hers to lay a guilt trip on her sister for enjoying her sexuality - sour grapes if you ask me. Your wife's lucky to have such a patient man to help her through her confusion and guilt about mixing sexuality and bdsm. You're in a tenusous position because if you push too hard she can be backed into a corner and you become the bad guy. Push to little and she may go into her shell never to come out again. i would try to get involved with others who can reassure her that what she is experiencing is not evil or sinful, maybe try to find a submissive women's group she can join - maybe a christion one, but be careful they don't exclude bdsm as sinful or sick. Good luck to you - i sincerely hope your wife wakes up and relaizes what she has and what she may be loosing.

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