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LadyPact -> RE: how far is too far? (4/26/2008 12:19:39 PM)
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I read this thread with My sub sitting here at My feet. No, he's not reading it with Me, but spending the time studying. I don't think I'll bring it to his particular attention. None of what I say here is going to be popular.
To the OP: I didn't catch anywhere in your post whether or not your sub's wife knows of your existence, whether she approves of his collar from you, or if there is any disclosure of any kind. This being the case, I have two separate forms of advice.
If the wife knows nothing about you, I'll be the first person to tell you that you shouldn't be participating in any activities with him, sexual or otherwise. This is coming from someone who has a married sub of her own. If I had never talked with her, met her, obtained her consent to his wanting to be My sub, he wouldn't be at My feet now. In My mind, there is a huge difference between cheating and poly. Just because you're not fucking him, doesn't mean that he has any right to deceive his wife by having another relationship.
If the wife does know about you, his actually having sex with you might not be a part of the agreement made between him and as wife. Dominant or not, you don't get to change the rules on this. If she is the type of woman who is being gracious enough to him to allow him to engage in a BDSM dynamic with you, why would you want to mess that up for him or yourself? Accept the 'no sex' as part of the deal, as you would any other hard limit. It may really be your sub's limit, due to STI's as he says, or it may even be the wife's limit. Either way, it doesn't sound like it is something you should be pushing. MsC above has it right. That part about doing no harm, does also happen to be extended to the wife. If a no sex situation isn't meeting your needs and wants, you may have to look at whether or not the dynamic can be satisfying for you. There's nothing wrong with realizing this is a point of incompatibility.
Ok. On to some of the other stuff that came up in this thread. Somewhere back there, somebody, in their infinite wisdom, said it should be the wife this guy is involved in BDSM with. Now, that would be great in a perfect world. Even in My own boy's case, if the wife decided tomorrow she wanted to pick up a flogger and start swinging, I'd be telling her more power to her. The truth is, she isn't wired that way, but he is. That's why they came up with the idea of him having a Dominant. Me. It was their solution, and if you don't mind Me saying so, I think the two of them are grown up enough to make those types of decisions. I'm sure if either of them need to know how to handle their own choices, I'll be happy to forward them your CMail account, so that they can consult you for your obvious wisdom. Put your own house in order with your 'girlfriend'.
While I won't withdraw the statement, I will apologize to the forum at large. Some people just can't seem to understand that, if two (or more) people have found a way to come to an acceptable solution for a situation, they really don't need certain input.
The boy's done studying. I'll get back the the flames when I've brought the marshmellows.
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