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RE: JEALOUSY.....HELP? - 10/13/2005 8:36:05 AM

Mercnbeth

Posts: 11766
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quote:

HELP ME...tell me that jealousy is normal sometimes in a D/s relationship

Normal? NO. this slave does not believe it is normal to be resentfully or painfully desirous of another's advantages...it seems to suggest that one is unaware or unappreciative of their OWN advantages.

quote:

I guess that the most important thing I can say is that....just be comfortable in your own skin...be confident in who you are....and know your value.... and forgive yourself for your imperfections.

Fantastic advice, erin!

(in reply to mistoferin)

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RE: JEALOUSY.....HELP? - 10/13/2005 1:17:29 PM

ownedjulia

Posts: 218
Joined: 10/5/2005
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Master plays with other sometimes

after several years i STILL have that little knot of jealousy there.

It gets easier but it takes time.

< Message edited by ownedjulia -- 10/13/2005 1:18:42 PM >

_____________________________

~julia
owned slave and proud of it!

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RE: JEALOUSY.....HELP? - 10/13/2005 1:26:33 PM

EmeraldSlave2

Posts: 3645
Joined: 1/1/2004
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I'm pretty much the most casual/open/understanding poly chick around. I literally shove my boys to new women and new experiences.

And I still experience jealousy.

A recent experience that shocked the hell out of me was at LR. My boyfriend and my female best friend were planning to do a scene together. As the official scheduler of my group, I said that during my chore time would be perfect. So off they go and there I sit.

I get back and they are both terribly glowy having done a fun suspension/torture scene together. I was viciously jealous. Why? Because I hadn't gotten to watch. No part of me wanted to take the experience away from them, no part of me was sad at what they had done. But I was almost angry about not being able to be there for it and enjoy that first experience with them together.

It was a very big surprise to me to have such emotions like that.

But you roll with it. You figure out what it is, where it comes from and how to deal with it. Look at the LONG TERM vs the short term. Whether it's rational or irrational, it exists and you have to figure out why.

Because if you try and ignore it, the long term will collapse.

(in reply to ownedjulia)

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RE: JEALOUSY.....HELP? - 10/13/2005 1:29:54 PM

Hallittlelolita

Posts: 253
Joined: 8/11/2005
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Hello, oh jealousy the green eyed monster, i have had my share. i get jealouse all of the time too somtimes for no reason at all. Somtimes it is the fact that my Master goes and has a drink with his friend and i can't come because of our daughter and we dont have a babysitter. Well the babysitter is my mom who is 150 miles away it sucks but i am learning there is nothing to be jealous about the bar go to is filled with older people and no women besides the bar tenders which are married. The thing for you to do is think about what makes you jealous and sit down and have a talk with your Master and tell him what is that makes you jealous and maybe you and Him can come to an agreement. I dont know if you are in a poly-situation or not. i dont know how poly relationships work because i am not in one and never have and never will be. i think poly- relationships are for people who are not in love with eachother cause if they were that would be alot of unecessary drama but that is just my opinion. i didn't mean to offend you in any way at all, it is just my opinion

i hope i have helped you in some way. The best of luck

Sincerely, andie and her Master Hal

< Message edited by Hallittlelolita -- 10/13/2005 1:32:19 PM >

(in reply to Slutsub)

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RE: JEALOUSY.....HELP? - 10/13/2005 1:38:28 PM

Sartoris32801

Posts: 172
Joined: 7/19/2005
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quote:

ORIGINAL: EmeraldSlave2

I'm pretty much the most casual/open/understanding poly chick around. I literally shove my boys to new women and new experiences.

And I still experience jealousy.

A recent experience that shocked the hell out of me was at LR. My boyfriend and my female best friend were planning to do a scene together. As the official scheduler of my group, I said that during my chore time would be perfect. So off they go and there I sit.

I get back and they are both terribly glowy having done a fun suspension/torture scene together. I was viciously jealous. Why? Because I hadn't gotten to watch. No part of me wanted to take the experience away from them, no part of me was sad at what they had done. But I was almost angry about not being able to be there for it and enjoy that first experience with them together.
It was a very big surprise to me to have such emotions like that.

But you roll with it. You figure out what it is, where it comes from and how to deal with it. Look at the LONG TERM vs the short term. Whether it's rational or irrational, it exists and you have to figure out why.

Because if you try and ignore it, the long term will collapse.

Emerald,

I don't see your emotion as jealousy, what you described as your feelings was envy. Your frineds were having a good time and you were not. they're off having a good time and I'm out here sitting alone. I want to have a good time with somebody. Envy is frustrating, a longing for the other's experience. It is a different, more superficial phenomenon than jealousy.

Sartoris

< Message edited by Sartoris32801 -- 10/13/2005 1:41:26 PM >

_____________________________

Oh, the shark, babe, has such teeth, dear
And it shows them pearly white
Just a jackknife has old MacHeath, babe
And he keeps it … ah … out of sight.

(in reply to EmeraldSlave2)

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RE: JEALOUSY.....HELP? - 10/13/2005 1:39:53 PM

EmeraldSlave2

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Hallittlelolita
i think poly- relationships are for people who are not in love with eachother cause if they were that would be alot of unecessary drama but that is just my opinion.

Come spend a week with me. Or read my LJ, there's a lot of love shown in that.

I respect your perspective, but it's somewhat like saying that Ds relationships are for people who are not in love with eachother.

(in reply to Hallittlelolita)

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RE: JEALOUSY.....HELP? - 10/13/2005 1:51:11 PM

Sartoris32801

Posts: 172
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quote:

ORIGINAL: Hallittlelolita

. I dont know if you are in a poly-situation or not. i dont know how poly relationships work because i am not in one and never have and never will be. i think poly- relationships are for people who are not in love with eachother cause if they were that would be alot of unecessary..

Sincerely, andie and her Master Hal

poly relationships are not meant for attached individuals,they in fact work very well for people who are in lov.Attachment is not love for others it is love for one self ..what's in it for me..what do I get for loving...Love is unconditional!! Many of us need to ask ..am I loving or am I attached., and we need to understand the distinction.

Sartoris

_____________________________

Oh, the shark, babe, has such teeth, dear
And it shows them pearly white
Just a jackknife has old MacHeath, babe
And he keeps it … ah … out of sight.

(in reply to Hallittlelolita)

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RE: JEALOUSY.....HELP? - 10/13/2005 2:15:30 PM

Hallittlelolita

Posts: 253
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I didnt mean that and well i am in a 24/7 D'd s relationship with Master/husband and i am His slave and i am completly in love with Him. I was just talking about the poly thing i couldnt see my Master with anyone else or vice versa. i thought i would just clear that up no worries

Sincerely andie and her Master Hal

(in reply to EmeraldSlave2)

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RE: JEALOUSY.....HELP? - 10/13/2005 2:20:21 PM

KatyLied

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Joined: 2/24/2005
From: Pennsylvania
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I have to work on curbing my feelings of jealousy. The funny thing about it is that it doesn't happen in every relationship, I guess it's a sign of my depth of feeling, or possibly a sign of my dysfunction. Yep, my eyes are green for a good reason.

(in reply to Hallittlelolita)

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RE: JEALOUSY.....HELP? - 10/14/2005 2:28:28 PM

WickedKev

Posts: 305
Joined: 11/26/2004
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quote:

ORIGINAL: KatyLied

I have to work on curbing my feelings of jealousy. The funny thing about it is that it doesn't happen in every relationship, I guess it's a sign of my depth of feeling, or possibly a sign of my dysfunction. Yep, my eyes are green for a good reason.

How does someone get jealous of a chili?????

(in reply to KatyLied)

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RE: JEALOUSY.....HELP? - 10/14/2005 5:34:01 PM

KatyLied

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From: Pennsylvania
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quote:

How does someone get jealous of a chili???

heh.

(in reply to WickedKev)

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RE: JEALOUSY.....HELP? - 10/16/2005 11:36:24 AM

Faramir

Posts: 1043
Joined: 2/12/2005
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quote:

ORIGINAL: JohnWarren

In the book on poly relationships, The Ethical Slut, Dossie Easton and Janet Hardy, talk about two kinds of jealousy: rational and irrational.

Irrational jealousy is based on "I'm gonna lose him/her" and is best dealt with by considering the reality of the situation. (You could lose him/her anyway even if no poly was involved but he/she has CHOSEN you and you ARE together)

That doesn't make sense. I see that that irrational, "I'm gonna loose him" insecurity coming from deep, deep wounds and losses - trauma. Talking about the reality of the situation is a rational approach to an irrational issue - it in no way addresses the root issue of trauma and the maladaptive response to tauma.

Healing seems to be the answer to wounding, and for people with attachment concenrs or post-trauma concerns, consistent need-meeting over time seeks to be a very important part of that healing.

(in reply to JohnWarren)

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RE: JEALOUSY.....HELP? - 10/16/2005 1:05:00 PM

petwolf22

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Joined: 9/5/2005
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all this discussion of love vs. attachment....can't one be both? i would think that they both would occur in a measure of degrees. i love my dom, but i still get jealous under certain circumstances. Warranted or not, does that mean that i love him any less because i get jealous than some of the other relationships where women express to not be jealous?

please no one interpret this as attacking anyone, merely looking for some more perspective on what's been brought up

(in reply to Slutsub)

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RE: JEALOUSY.....HELP? - 10/16/2005 1:19:05 PM

BlueAngelSub

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It is important to differentiate "normal" from "delusional" jealousy. Normal jealousy has its basis in a real threat to the relationship; delusional jealousy persists despite the absence of any real or even probable threat.

The good news is this: By recognizing the signs of romantic jealousy, by realizing what feelings are normal and abnormal, and by examining the roots of our jealous feelings, we can effectively learn to cope with it by changing our behavior. Believe it or not, like other difficult emotional experiences, jealousy can be a trigger for growth, increased self-awareness, and greater understanding of both your partner and your relationship.

Whatever it is that draws two lovers to each other will create the character of the jealousy they may experience. Let me demonstrate this statement by an exercise. Think back to the time you first met or got to know your mate and try to recall as best you can the way you felt. What was it that most attracted you? What was it that made you think (right away, or at some point later) that this was the person with whom you wanted to share your life? What was the most important thing the relationship gave you? A feeling of security? Of being respected and listened to? Of being desired or adored?

Now switch back to the present and consider the primary component of your jealousy--the most painful thoughts and feelings associated with your jealousy or that of your mate. Is it a fear of being abandoned? Humiliation and loss of face? Loss of self-esteem?

Think: Could there be some connection between the things that the relationship gave you initially and the primary components of your jealousy? For example, a woman who fell in love with her husband because he made her feel she had "finally come home" to a safe and secure place described the most painful aspect of her jealousy as "feeling abandoned and all alone."

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RE: JEALOUSY.....HELP? - 10/17/2005 3:26:48 AM

plantlady64

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Joined: 5/19/2005
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Hello There,
Prior to being kinky even when my ex-husband cheated on me I was not jealous. I was mad as hell he broke a promise to me & did this behind my back. After it happened 7 or 8 times. I left as I couldn't trust him to be monogamous. Who knows maybe if I was more jealous of him having lady friends and kept him on a short leash it might have taken longer for him to cheat. Overall it was doomed to failure as at that time I was only 1 on 1.
Now that I'm kinky and in an open relationship my Master seeing others does not bother me at all. I actually enjoy discussing his prospects and mine together with my Master.
I now live under the old motto "If you love something set it free. If it comes back it's yours to keep and if not it never was.". I firmly believe in and trust in the love I share with my Master. He fully holds my heart. If someone came along that touched his heart and mind more than I do I would want him to have her as it would make him happy. As my Masters slave his joy is my joy. If I get moved to a lower position or out all together I'll just accept that's the way it was meant to be. If it's meant to be you can't fight it and win anyway.
Being free to play with others and know I still love my Master and he loves me has allowed me a freedom I never knew existed for me.
I say trust in your love and in him. If your love is real it won't fade even if he does see others.
Sincerely,
sub suzanne

(in reply to Slutsub)

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RE: JEALOUSY.....HELP? - 10/18/2005 8:18:55 AM

subspaceinMD

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Joined: 8/31/2005
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i think that jealousy can be present even if it is just attachment as opposed to real love. i know that i have felt jealousy when i was just attached to someone. It helps just to know that in the course of an evening (for example), the person you are with will be leaving with you and not someone else. It also helps to be flattered that the person you are with is receiving atttention (there must be some reason you are with them right?) and others recognize those qualities also. It is hard and i have never had to experience (yet:) a poly relationship, but i do know that in this arena i would have to defer to my Master's (when i finally find one!) wants and needs, and if i knew that i could not fill that need then i would want him to go to someone else who could (but i would fill his basic needs or He would not be with me.) Just my opinon.

(in reply to plantlady64)

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RE: JEALOUSY.....HELP? - 10/18/2005 11:07:46 AM

harmony3709

Posts: 292
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quote:

ORIGINAL: subspaceinMD
It helps just to know that in the course of an evening (for example), the person you are with will be leaving with you and not someone else. It also helps to be flattered that the person you are with is receiving atttention (there must be some reason you are with them right?) and others recognize those qualities also.

I think the above statement is something good to use as a reminder when faced with a situation that you feel the jealousy stirring. Remind yourself that you can see the situation in two ways: one is that you are jealous of your Master giving someone else attention; or the other that you are proud of the fact that your Master is someone that others enjoy talking to or even flirting with. And remind yourself that it is YOU he will be leaving with.

Something that helps me, although your mileage may vary of course, is being prepared ahead of time for situations that come up that make me uncomfortable or I am trying to better deal with, etc. Thinking ahead of time of what you are going to do when it happens. Just something small like saying a mantra in your mind like, "Master chose ME because I am of value," or maybe an action like making more of an effort to join into the conversation. Whatever might work for you that will redirect your thinking from jealousy to doing something else. Maybe even something simple as asking your Master if when you feel that way, you just want to give his hand a squeeze and he will squeeze yours back. Just a small thing, and yet it will be the reassurance that you need now but in time, that need will more than likely fade.

For me, understanding why I feel a certain way is important, but doing something constructive about it helps me tremendously. Not only does it help to relearn a behavior or break a habit, but you are conciously thinking about changing what it is that is making you feel bad, instead of just feeling bad.

Blessed be,
harmony

(in reply to subspaceinMD)

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RE: JEALOUSY.....HELP? - 10/19/2005 7:37:32 AM

blazingpornstar

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Jealousy is over rated with work you can get over everything

_____________________________

If you never try, you always fail....a piece of wisdom from Masters Witch....nikki

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RE: JEALOUSY.....HELP? - 10/29/2005 12:26:13 PM

Dracironsgirl

Posts: 175
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quote:

ORIGINAL: Slutsub

SISTERS, HELP ME...tell me that jealousy is normal sometimes in a D/s relationship, i am driving my MASTER crazy He is wonderful and puts up with alot ... i just want to be able to stop ............any one else been here and done that?????

oh yes i am a very jealous slave (working on that) ...Master is wonderful and puts up with me too =) i understand what you're giong thru.

_____________________________

~love a Man in control~

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RE: JEALOUSY.....HELP? - 11/26/2005 7:31:16 PM

candigirlll

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Hallittlelolita,
wow your comment about poly is for people who are not inlove with each other kinda blew me away... i think being you admit not ever being in a poly relationship.. you should have the good sence god gave a goose and hold your tongue.. i was VERY offended by your statement.. being my first poly relationship was with a wonderful man who has passed.. and i shared that with 3 wonderful sisters who i still have a very close and LOVING relationship with...*just rolls eyes*

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