M/s and Anger Management

M/s and Anger Management (Full Version)

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GhostWhoWalks -> M/s and Anger Management (4/25/2008 11:42:58 AM)
This is primarily for the slaves. How do you deal with the emotions that are generated in you, when you think your owner is displeased with you? I'm sure quite a few of you feel like you are failures; some of you might even feel like total failures, regardless of how severe your Master/ Mistress's displeasure is. How do you re-gain your equilibrium, control your feelings of failure and inadequecy, and return to serving your Master/ Mistress as best you can? On the other side of the coin, when you are emotionally hurt or unhappy with your Master/ Mistress, how do you retain your mindfulness of yourselves as property and yet communicate with your owner that, with all due respect, you are unhappy, and why you are unhappy?

mbes -> RE: M/s and Anger Management (4/25/2008 2:42:38 PM)
If he's "in a mood", I try to determine if it has anything to do with me. If it does and he's right, I apologize and move on. If it does and he's wrong (what?? It happens!), I talk to him, or wait for it to blow over. I don't feel like a failure because of it, either way; we've already established that I'm not perfect, and he's still around, so I must be good enough, often enough. When I'm "in a mood", I don't have to tell him. I'm a terrible actress! [:D] Usually I take a little while to catch my breath, then I tell him what's wrong--- or again, wait til it blows over. As for remembering my place, I just keep repeating it to myself as necessary, and reminding myself that it's what I want. Good question, btw, and one I ponder sometimes. I'm looking forward to other responses.

metalmiss -> RE: M/s and Anger Management (4/25/2008 4:06:26 PM)
If my Master is displeased or (heaven forbid) disappointed in me.. Inadequacy is not something which i worry about, if i was inadequate to suit His needs i would simply not be here. But i initially deal with the feeling that i have failed Him by biting my lip, listening intently to what He has to say on the subject, taking my punishment and holding it within myself for a little while after until i have the opportunity to think on it, learn a lesson & examine where i went wrong.. Once i have processed this and my head has begun to clear i go to Him to talk on the subject so that i can properly apologise, earnestly, with proper thought & understanding which means that We can both move on. He is quite clear on the subject of punishment, that once something is dealt with We move on.. Sometimes this takes a little time while my thoughts settle.. Sometimes i overcome the disappointment with myself almost immediately. It depends on the circumstances and severity of the error. On the other side.. If something He has said or done has upset me, then i find the words to respectfully discuss the 'issue' with Him.. There are no sacred cow's within our dynamic, no restrictions on what can or cannot be discussed.. Communication is paramount in any relationship, He would never allow anything to get in the way of that.. If He found out that i was holding back anything at all for any reason, that in itself would put me in serious trouble.

ownedgirlie -> RE: M/s and Anger Management (4/25/2008 4:15:18 PM)
When he is displeased, I understand why, I apologize, and I fix it. I have been taught not to beat myself up. I am not allowed to berate myself, so I learned not to. I feel awful for having disappointed him, but if I hang out on a self pity, self berating trip, then I'm only further distracting myself from fixing it and serving him well. If there is punishment involved, I take it without issue and move on. When all is said and done, I express to him what I thought and felt about it all. If he is disappointed due to misunderstanding something, I explain things clearly and calmly to him if given the chance. If not given the chance to speak at that time, I keep my mouth shut and explain it later. I am rarely upset with my owner, but on those rare occasions when I am, I figure out why. Did I have inappropriate expectations? Did he trigger some past baggage in me? Is it my issue or did he actually do something that hurt me? If I can eliminate myself out of the reasoning, then I calmly and respectfully express to him what's on my mind and why. Sometimes he agrees with me, sometimes he does not. But I am always given an opportunity to say what's on my mind and in my heart, and why. Even if he disagrees with me, I am heard.

kiwisub12 -> RE: M/s and Anger Management (4/25/2008 4:16:40 PM)
My Sir is very clear about his expectations, and when i don't meet these expectations i am disciplined. At the end of the discipline, i resume my life. My Sir does not carry grudges, and since i seldom screw up (thank goddess) we don't have much of a problem. I am usually much more upset than my Sir, so for me discipline is a time for me to calm down and figure out a way not to repeat the problem. I am very fortunate that my Sir loves me as much as i love him , and we mutually work at maintaining our relationship. And after 2 years of R/T life, i have not yet been angry or upset with my Sir. Damn i am a lucky woman.

DesFIP -> RE: M/s and Anger Management (4/25/2008 8:22:04 PM)
After five years, we have discovered that it always comes down to miscommunication. Every damn time. Sometimes he just tells me stuff in passing without giving me a chance to write it down. Occasionally he's gotten up earlier than me, told me something and believed I was awake and understood. Yes, I talk in my sleep and can carry on a seemingly rational but short conversation without fully waking up. We talk it out. I'm not going to accept punishment for being given orders while asleep. He isn't going to do something that stupid either. I'm also not going to berate myself for sleeping. We figure out what went wrong and how to fix it so next time it doesn't happen. He leaves me notes or an email if he's gone by the time I get up now.

clearlightblack -> RE: M/s and Anger Management (4/26/2008 8:45:28 AM)
In the beginning, I was very much like a mare biting at the bit when my Master would step back and just think about how he would approach me with his displeasure, and he wouldn't address things when I thought we shoudl talk about them......Thank goodness for his patience.....after a time I got better and we usually seemed to know when to tap gloves and say "ding round 1" and go to my corner to re-group and then after some time my Master and I would always just talk about it. He was in the military so I always asked to speak freely, and if he would grant me that priviledge then we would sit and talk and if he would be in a mood then he would deny me and I would take my frustrations out on writing. I always found that to be the most helpful. I had a journal that I would just write and write my feelings out in it. It helped keep my thoughts in order and to really think about what the hell happened this time :). I would serve him but I guess he always knew when there was something wrong. Sometimes, and I do remember this fondly, I'd get a smack on the bottom and he'd say "Suck it up princess." And things would go back to normal.

batshalom -> RE: M/s and Anger Management (4/26/2008 9:54:39 AM)
Thanks to therapy (and a couple of patient teachers --- thank you Aba and Sir) I take the displeasure for what it's intended, correct the behavior, and move on. It takes too much time and energy out of the relationship to wallow in self-pity. (Besides, I like to reserve my self-pity for hormone-related distresses that can only be overcome by chocolate, alternate crying and laughing, hot flashes, and naps.) Edited to add: If the disappointment / anger at something I have done or said (or something that is perceived to be improper) but I feel it is inappropriately placed, depending on the situation, I speak with him prior to accepting the punishment or after the punishment is over. Sometimes it was misunderstanding / miscommunication, and sometimes D-types have bad days and need to be reminded to think clearly.

PrincessEllie -> RE: M/s and Anger Management (4/28/2008 8:14:47 AM)
Yeah, my Dom has anger problems. Where I'd be most likely to laugh at myself for doing something silly, he gets overly pissed off and hits things (like walls). One time he was sitting on me and got mad with something, and he hit me in the back. I sure told him quick that hitting me in anger is not allowed, and it made him feel so guilty he never did it again. When I disappoint my Dom I get completely hysteric. I'm trying to curb this desire, but I always want to be perfect and poised and reflect well on my Dom, but I am human and I make mistakes. My Dom has only gotten disappointed in me a few times, but I always felt terrible. Earlier in our relationship he was even afraid to tell me when I had messed up, because it made me so distraught. But I realized how bad it was that he couldn't be truthful to me, so acessed my feelings and now am much better about being criticized. If a sub/slave becomes overly dejected or unhappy when they are criticized, to the point where it upsets the Dom/me, I would suggest the following: -First, think about what you did wrong and fix it, or, learn from your mistake -Apologize to your Dom/me -Realize that when you become hysteric, it upsets your Dom/me, something that most subs/slaves avoid at all costs, since we want our Dom/mes to be happy -Cuddle for a little while This is a tried and true method for getting over post-disappointment hysteria. The cuddles are especially helpful.

Mercnbeth -> RE: M/s and Anger Management (4/28/2008 9:01:38 AM)
quote: How do you deal with the emotions that are generated in you, when you think your owner is displeased with you? crying then communicating. the crying is an emotional release and this slave generally feels much better afterwards. this slave prefers to cry alone and will ususally go into her closet to do it. the communicating is done after the emotions are released---as an adult, in a respectful manner. she starts off with a sincere apology and inquires as to what she can do to rectify the situation, if anything. quote: How do you re-gain your equilibrium, control your feelings of failure and inadequecy, and return to serving your Master/ Mistress as best you can? after the crying, communicating and rectifying, this slave simply lets it go and moves on. quote: when you are emotionally hurt or unhappy with your Master/ Mistress, how do you retain your mindfulness of yourselves as property and yet communicate with your owner that, with all due respect, you are unhappy, and why you are unhappy? it has been over 5 years and this slave has yet to be emotionally hurt or unhappy with Master, but she would imagine that she would conduct herself as an adult should either situation occur, and respectfully communicate her opinions and feelings with Master, like she has been trained to do.

toservez -> RE: M/s and Anger Management (4/28/2008 9:39:57 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: ownedgirlie When he is displeased, I understand why, I apologize, and I fix it. I have been taught not to beat myself up. I am not allowed to berate myself, so I learned not to. I feel awful for having disappointed him, but if I hang out on a self pity, self berating trip, then I'm only further distracting myself from fixing it and serving him well. If there is punishment involved, I take it without issue and move on. When all is said and done, I express to him what I thought and felt about it all. If he is disappointed due to misunderstanding something, I explain things clearly and calmly to him if given the chance. If not given the chance to speak at that time, I keep my mouth shut and explain it later. I am rarely upset with my owner, but on those rare occasions when I am, I figure out why. Did I have inappropriate expectations? Did he trigger some past baggage in me? Is it my issue or did he actually do something that hurt me? If I can eliminate myself out of the reasoning, then I calmly and respectfully express to him what's on my mind and why. Sometimes he agrees with me, sometimes he does not. But I am always given an opportunity to say what's on my mind and in my heart, and why. Even if he disagrees with me, I am heard. I am very much like this. It all depends on why my Master is displeased with me. If it is something I should have and known better not to do or failed to do then I will beat myself up but not on some emotional level where I question myself, our love for each other or the dynamic. I am pretty much just going “stupid, stupid” over and over in my head until I let go of it. Hopefully I receive a punishment as that whole process of discuss, punish and move on works wonderfully for me. Personally I am not attracted to nor would I ever myself use emotional blackmail on a loved one. If I ever thought he questioned my love or obedience toward him then that would be a major problem and not in the beat myself up variety. In terms of being upset with my Master what I quoted I can not write any better. Being in a relationship is accepting that the other person is not perfect. Part of being a slave is knowing and accepting that right and wrong are not about everything let alone most things and as long as the issue is not repetitive or major impact on our lives then I obey not because I agree but obey out of love and devotion. At the same time my Master is not one who would respect me or be with me if I would not point out things I think he is wrong. I just try to make sure it is something I think is wrong and not something I just disagree with. You have to be yourself in order to have a healthy relationship. To me means being able to speak your mind and you can always do that in a respectful way in my opinion and experience. Being obedient, loving and devoted to your other and the power exchange dynamic and speaking your mind are mutually exclusive things.

sweetnurseBBW -> RE: M/s and Anger Management (4/28/2008 7:07:06 PM)
We always talk about things and get feelings out. I never feel inadequate because he wouldn't bother with me if he thought I was. We just deal with things and move on.

subinchico -> RE: M/s and Anger Management (4/29/2008 8:03:05 PM)
Great quesion!--- At first, I try submitting even more deeply (which can backfire) but actually it turns me on to be more subserviant, If she decides to ditch me, I lose, but it still turns me on. Of course I beg for a while which usually discusts the domme and, since I'm old I guess, after a month or so I'm over it, on to the next mistress! quote: ORIGINAL: GhostWhoWalks This is primarily for the slaves. How do you deal with the emotions that are generated in you, when you think your owner is displeased with you? I'm sure quite a few of you feel like you are failures; some of you might even feel like total failures, regardless of how severe your Master/ Mistress's displeasure is. How do you re-gain your equilibrium, control your feelings of failure and inadequecy, and return to serving your Master/ Mistress as best you can? On the other side of the coin, when you are emotionally hurt or unhappy with your Master/ Mistress, how do you retain your mindfulness of yourselves as property and yet communicate with your owner that, with all due respect, you are unhappy, and why you are unhappy?

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