RE: When to disclose.... (Full Version)

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MzMia -> RE: When to disclose.... (4/27/2008 1:56:29 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: MaamJay

MzMia said:
 
I don't believe in total disclosure based on 2 or 3 conversations.
People have to earn my trust, I don't just give it away.
No one is perfect, and we all carry baggage.

Whether it be a physical disability, a mental disability, poor life choices, financial issues,
past relationships issues, family issues, job issues, the list goes on and on.
 
I open up little by little and begin to share pieces of myself.
I am glad I have this policy, because normally after a few emails people show their true colors,
and I am glad that I did not share "all" with strangers.
 
Everyone is different.
If some of you "feel the need" to tell "all" about your life to someone after 2 or 3 emails.
Go for it!
I don't! [:D]
As always, to each their own.

I didn't read the OP or the subsequent answers as implying that we should TELL ALL. I certainly don't tell all immediately and there are many personal things that people come to know over time and that I wouldn't want to tell a relative stranger. The particular issue at hand was HEALTH and because WIITWD should be SSC or RACK, to Me, it is important that both partners know about the other's health issues in order to make informed consent. This allows play to be adjusted accordingly within parameters appropriate to the people involved. It also allows for a decision to be made of "no, I'm not willing to go there at all with this person in the state of health they are in". I think it's just as important for subs to know about My asthma triggers, My diabetes II and what to do on the rare chance I start showing hypo symptoms as it is for Me to know about their bad knees, and their cardiac pacemaker ... or whatever!

I feel there is a BIG difference between health issues and other personal baggage which doesn't need to be blurted out immediately.

Maam Jay aka violet[A]


There may be a BIG difference between health issues and other personal baggage.
I stand by the fact that I don't need to blurt out ANY personal or health information to total strangers
that I have talked to 2 or 3 times off the internet.
[;)]
IF you feel that way, then by all means do so.
I don't care if I am dying or have 4 days to live, I am not obligated nor compelled to share any information
with a total stranger after 2 or 3 conversations.
Peace



yournewprincess -> RE: When to disclose.... (4/27/2008 3:39:26 PM)

hmm thats a tough one. i think you should reveal this info rather soon because you dont want to get to know someone and start to have feelings for this person for them to only back away after hearing this info. however i would also wait to talk about this until you feel comfortable with the person and you feel like you can trust them.



Poetryinpain -> RE: When to disclose.... (4/27/2008 4:10:05 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: MzMia
I stand by the fact that I don't need to blurt out ANY personal or health information to total strangers
that I have talked to 2 or 3 times off the internet.


I agree with this. I believe that there are things that are not necessary to reveal until - as others have indicated - the talk turns to arranging play. This may not happen until even the third or fourth in-person meeting, when I feel there may be some connection. And even then, I'll start with only those things that might affect the play itself. Things that do not affect play would be filed under what he doesn't know won't hurt him.

All that being said, I do want to applaud the open-mindedness of many CM residents regarding physical limitations. I also want to say that if there is a Dom who draws back because of one or more of my limitations, I understand. BDSM can be a very physical activity, and I wouldn't want to hold anyone back from an enjoyment of his kink by my physical challenges.

pip, diplomacy rules!



LeatherBentOne -> RE: When to disclose.... (4/27/2008 5:40:06 PM)

As a Dominant, I disclose information regarding my health if Im potentially interested in taking on a submissive, mainly because I suffer from a rare chronic disease that is considered life-threatening.  I will even go so far as to show my medical records to clarify my disease.  In all fairness, Id want a submissive to disclose any illnesses.  Disclosure is also a safety practice for me before playing, so if medical intervention is necessary, it wont come as a surprise to me.



IronBear -> RE: When to disclose.... (4/27/2008 6:20:32 PM)

I'd have to say that it isn't about disclosure per se but how much to disclose and when to disclose it.. That is an individual choice.

Iron Bear
Master of Bruin Cottage
(A Victorian Lifestyle poly home)

"I judge a Man by what I see him do and not by what others tell me he does." (Captain Sir Edward Pellew of the HMS Indefatigable to Midshipman Hornblower ~ C.S. Forrester)






sweetnurseBBW -> RE: When to disclose.... (4/27/2008 6:52:23 PM)

I think it is something that should come up very early on. They might not understand it but you could help them if the are willing to learn.



TemptingNviceSub -> RE: When to disclose.... (4/27/2008 8:24:18 PM)

While I have no health issues to speak of (besides being an old fart!)..I do within the first verbal conversation or sometimes e-mail and inform any Dominant of the, what could possibly be construed as a negative variable..ie: I am a smoker..hence to some not a big deal,,to others, a HUGE deal breaker..best to get it out and avoid any emotional fallout later....Tempting



Level -> RE: When to disclose.... (4/27/2008 8:28:08 PM)

You're a hot old fart.



lighthearted -> RE: When to disclose.... (4/27/2008 8:43:20 PM)

He and I were upfront with each other, once we met in person.  we had already done the email thing and spoken on the phone, so by the time we met I felt like I could trust him and vice versa.  I feel if it's someone you want to pursue, disclosure of the negatives is just as important as telling someone about your positives.



AtlantisKing111 -> RE: When to disclose.... (4/27/2008 8:44:00 PM)

I should think they should be disclosed no later than when the play starts becoming more than casual and a relationship is starting to develop.



MzMia -> RE: When to disclose.... (4/27/2008 8:46:51 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: AtlantisKing111

I should think they should be disclosed no later than when the play starts becoming more than casual and a relationship is starting to develop.


I agree that they should be disclosed before the play and even before you meet.
But do you owe strangers such personal information, after 2 or 3 emails?
[sm=banghead.gif]
Actually, I am enjoying this thread.
I guess it boils down to when you feel comfortable with a strangers.
Common sense dictates health information should be disclosed LONG before playing.



Level -> RE: When to disclose.... (4/27/2008 8:47:04 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: lighthearted

He and I were upfront with each other, once we met in person.  we had already done the email thing and spoken on the phone, so by the time we met I felt like I could trust him and vice versa.  I feel if it's someone you want to pursue, disclosure of the negatives is just as important as telling someone about your positives.


You're right, as usual. [:-]



lighthearted -> RE: When to disclose.... (4/27/2008 8:49:36 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Level

quote:

ORIGINAL: lighthearted

He and I were upfront with each other, once we met in person.  we had already done the email thing and spoken on the phone, so by the time we met I felt like I could trust him and vice versa.  I feel if it's someone you want to pursue, disclosure of the negatives is just as important as telling someone about your positives.


You're right, as usual. [:-]


of course I am!  [:D]



bacnase -> RE: When to disclose.... (4/27/2008 8:54:06 PM)

I believe that as soon as you learn that there is a possibility of a connection between yourself and a dominant you should disclose all medical problems. If you are sincere in establishing a relationship its absolutely foolish to proceed with full disclosure. Like the line in movie "they always find out" so why originally hide what will eventually be disclosed



wwwkevinww -> RE: When to disclose.... (4/27/2008 9:18:15 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: littlewonder

Once we both realize we both are interested in each other I am upfront right then and there. I let them make the choice of whether they wish to continue further with me or not.

I feel it's a waste of time to not do so because I know for me I would rather someone be honest and open about themselves right from the beginning. I know there are some illnesses or disabilities that are going to be a dealbreaker for me.

No time like the present in my book.



I have to agree with you and feel the same way to an extent.  On the other hand, regardless of a person's disabilities, sometimes it just doesn't matter.  I like the ideal of total disclosure, but really I don't know of anyone who is in perfect health.  You should not tell people your medical issues unless asked or unless it becomes an issue on the first meeting (face to face).  On the other hand, any STD's etc should be told before the first meeting.

It seems wrong to me to be in a relationship with someone for 8 months before you learn they have terminal cancer.

I don't thnk its terribly romantic to ask someone their medical info before you consider dating them......

Imagine the first line a guy says is, so tell me your medical past?  Got any STD's? 



Ebonybbw -> RE: When to disclose.... (5/4/2008 9:19:52 AM)

As soon as possible.  I would like to know the illness so I can be protective of myself as well as my sub/slave.  I would never want them to be in a situation that jeopardizes their health anymore or mine for that matter.



OldBastardly1 -> RE: When to disclose.... (5/4/2008 9:31:32 AM)

It depends on the medical issue. Are you contagious? HIV? Hepatitis? Could it affect my health? Then I would expect to know VERY early, if we are planning to go beyond a mere friendship.

Is it a medical issue that could be exacerbated by play? Could your condition present an emergency situation? Then I would expect to know before we play. During negotiations, I ask if there are any medical conditions that should know or would want to know before we play.

Is it an ingrown toe-nail? Insomnia? Etc....? I don't think things like this are relevant.



RipenReady -> RE: When to disclose.... (5/4/2008 9:42:46 AM)

I think it really depends on the medical condition.  If it is something that is life threatening then I would tell him/her as soon as I was comfortable.  If it's something like epilepsy then I would want them to know (or if it was someone I was playing with I would want to know) as soon as possible just in case something happened they would be prepared and could act accordingly (not shocked that something like this happened but they were calm enough already knowing my health issue and could properly care for me). 

Personally, I have high blood pressure, severe sinus problems, and possibly carpal tunnel (hasn't been diagnosed by a doctor).  I have only told my Master about my sinus issues and high blood pressure thus far because it's really the only thing I see as a serious problem.  My blood pressure is under control so I don't see it as a huge problem but wanted him to know just because of the fact...  Carpal tunnel isn't going away and it won't affect a scene unless my hands go numb, which in that case I will let him know that the position needs to be changed etc. and will explain why if necessary. 

Not knowing what your condition is, depending on how severe it is I would let them know when you are comfortable with it. 



lalbobbilynn -> RE: When to disclose.... (5/4/2008 9:46:31 AM)

i tell folks right from the jump off that i have two UM's (some folks view children as a disease!). i also disclose that my Clan is more disturbing and therefore more jocular then any Jerry Springer show!! In the event i had any physical issues, i feel it is only fair to state from the get go, as i would hope they would do the same for me.
b.~  



MyNameisMaam -> RE: When to disclose.... (5/4/2008 9:52:15 AM)

You don't have to disclose anything right away just to have casual conversations and friendship. If you have a condition that is more obvious, it helps to discuss early to educate others and make them feel at ease around you and it doesn't leave them wondering what to say or how to ask.

If you begin to move into a more serious relationship that will likely lead to a more physical one, you should disclose early.

It's not always easy or fun, but with the right partner it's not a terrible ordeal and can have wonderful outcomes! Good luck to you!



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