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MsLilac -> RE: Whats the best way to --- (4/30/2008 5:32:00 AM)
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quote:
ORIGINAL: HardToTame
quote:
So, lets get this straight. You want her to say ‘no’, and be more confident in standing up to you, but not so much as to challenge your authority, conflict with, or dominate you. You find her pleasing nature a turn off, but she has to realise her place… a.k.a “she‘s my girlfriend, not my mistress“. You want her to do things she doesn’t want to do, to please you, yet you don’t want her to “take crap and things like that”. You are constantly pushing her, but she is to realise that you are not all that serious about her, and are commitment shy. Hmm, perhaps all these mixed messages have got this poor woman confused. Do you even know what you want?
I don't care if she says no to me. She allready does, and I respect that and love her for it. She allready challenges my authority, she allready has me wrapt around her finger even if she doesn't know it and if she does, she doesn't exploit it. The girls a fucken Angel! By take crap, I don't mean from me, because I don't give her crap. As I said, I mean in LIFE, not our relationship. Eg: When her fucking boss makes her work rediculous, un-necissary hours. When her parents give her the shits, when she doesn't want to go somewhere or do something but says YES just to make others happy. I'm wrapt that she goes out of her way for all these people, but I can see it effects her self esteem, and so I want her to have the confidence to say "No I don't want to go there tonite, I want to relax" or "No I can't work all these extra hours, I have plans with my friends", not always be at everyone elses beck-and-call. I know what I want. I want my angel to stand up and take what she deserves. She deserves the best! Far more than I could EVER offer her, and I tell her every night. I tell her she's retarded because of all the guys she could of had that could give her everything, shes fallen for the biggest dickhead in the bunch, so I don't know what the fuck it is she see's in me, but I fucken love her and whilst I can't give her the world I can fucken die trying. I just want her to stop taking shit from everyone. She knows that if I ever met her boss, I'd have a go at him because of all the pressures he puts on her, but she can't stand up to him, I want her to have the confidence to know that she's fucken, the greatest angel to ever be inserted into a human womb and that she shouldn't take shit from anyone. Not a boss, not her family, not her friends, and NOT ME.
Dude, I’m afraid being told “I can’t stand women who take crap” is taking crap from you. It’s derisive.
I’m having a hard time following this, as you seem to contradict yourself a lot.
When it comes to work, there not much you can do about that, we all take shit when it comes to our working life. Heck, I’m self employed, and I’ve got to take it. Probably the best way to help is just to be there for her, and not criticise her when she just needs to vent. I know first instincts are to just want to try and fix the problem, especially when you care for the person, but sometimes you can‘t, trying to fix it in this ‘tough love‘ way you seem to have with her can make her feel worse, when all she is looking for is to vent.
Be a neutral shoulder for her to come to, without fear of derision. Try and communicate with her on a more empathetic level, instead of saying “you shouldn‘t take crap, I can‘t stand that“, gently ask questions. Just talking can help enormously. Be supportive, without being pushy. The focus is on her, it’s not about the “I can’t stand”, it’s “how are you feeling my love?”… “Did you think about yourself when you made that decision honey?”. See the difference?
Now, be honest with yourself, is it a case of ‘I don’t like the way she bends over backwards for everyone else and everyone takes advantage of her good nature’? Or is it a case of, ‘she does a lot for her family, career, etc, and that stops her spending more time/attention with me’? It seems she does have the ability to stand up for herself, particularly when it comes to you. So, maybe she is just choosing to invest her emotions and time in something that has a greater return on that investment? Family, friends, and career will be with her for life. Men come and go, particularly the ones seeking some thing/one else on the side.
If it is a boundary problem, do you know for sure, 100%, that she is unhappy with her where her boundaries are set? Or are you unhappy with where her boundaries are set? She sounds like a ‘pleaser’, some people are naturally, and comfortably that way, even though some can’t understand it. As long as she makes wise emotional investments, and doesn’t ‘spend’ so much that she is not looking after herself own emotional health, she is just being herself.
As for what you say about yourself, it sounds like you have the self esteem issues. Why are you a dickhead? What is it about you that makes you un-worthy of her? Does the time she spend with her family and career make you feel insecure? Or is that you are trying to be a modest in an avant-garde way? Or do you really feel that? She choose you, she obviously likes you, warts ‘n all, you can’t be that bad ;)
But if you really are this self proclaimed dick, then maybe you should start shipping up, sounds like you got a keeper. Don’t be surprised if she moves on if you continue being a dick.
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