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Generous vs Doormat - 10/13/2005 11:42:24 PM

shigglyboom

Posts: 110
Joined: 10/10/2005
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I've had a day full of problems today. Where do you / how do you draw the line between "reasonably generous" and "doormat"?

~ shigs

<edited to delete the rant and leave the important stuff :) >

< Message edited by shigglyboom -- 10/13/2005 11:53:53 PM >

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RE: Generous vs Doormat - 10/14/2005 5:55:53 AM

EmeraldSlave2

Posts: 3645
Joined: 1/1/2004
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quote:

ORIGINAL: shigglyboom

I've had a day full of problems today. Where do you / how do you draw the line between "reasonably generous" and "doormat"?

~ shigs

<edited to delete the rant and leave the important stuff :) >

The place where it takes away from your sense of fulfillment is the place where its gone too far.

(in reply to shigglyboom)

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RE: Generous vs Doormat - 10/14/2005 6:41:43 AM

KatyLied

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From: Pennsylvania
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Another gauge can be the resentment you feel. When that sets in, you are giving too much.

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RE: Generous vs Doormat - 10/14/2005 9:51:35 AM

shigglyboom

Posts: 110
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Hmmm, definitely feeling both unfulfilled and resentful right now.....! But the problem I'm having is with my nature, not a specific incident.

What always kills me, every time, is that first instinct - the sure, take the shirt off my back thing that comes out of my mouth, sometimes even as my head is screaming wait! And then afterwards I'm kicking myself because I really couldn't afford the cost or time or whatever. But when I try to take better care of myself I feel like a selfish bastard.

Case in point: An old friend calls up, he's moving back to town, can he stay with me a while? Of course I say, and since it happens I'm looking for a roommate if you want to stay longer that's fine too, we can work out the rent. 5 days in, I tell him the price I've been asking is $800. He tells me he can't afford it. I tell him he's here foremost as my guest and to pay what he can. Three days later I ask him again and he tell me he can pay $300. You can't rent a closet within 20 miles of here for that. But fine, I care about him, he's in $ trouble (I am too), I already told him he was my guest, and peanuts is better than no peanuts, so I try not to be resentful. Then he goes and spends $ on a gym membership... ok sure, time to renegotiate, but why'd I get into this damn situation in the first place?

Or...... my neighbor asks me if she can pick some berries from my yard. I say yes, she takes every last berry. Two weeks later she asks for fruit from my trees. I should say no, my head is screaming no way, you bloody hog..... and I say sure, take a few. Because I want to be nice, and generous with my bounty. Well, that's the last I saw of this year's crop.

Help?

(in reply to KatyLied)

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RE: Generous vs Doormat - 10/14/2005 9:58:28 AM

EmeraldSlave2

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This is something you have to help yourself at.

Yes it is very hard, for people pleasers, for victims, for just good people- learning how to balance being true to yourself and being compassionate towards others.

You have to learn how to say NO when you need to, you have to learn how to smile and say no thank you firmly and consistently. You have to force yourself to see the long term realities versus the immediate goodness.

And that doesn't mean you've been doing it all wrong or will need to turn into a total bitch to do it right. I personally still have problems in direct conflict, I still have problems directly asking for attention.

But you recognize that it IS something worth changing in yourself. So practice. Examine exactly why you need to do this, keep that foremost in your mind.

There's a lot more I COULD go on about, but there are often a lot of layers that leads into this sort of behavior so any detailed advice I could give would require a lot more background information.

You know the problem, the way to fix it is just practice saying no, practice setting limits.

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RE: Generous vs Doormat - 10/14/2005 12:27:59 PM

ownedjulia

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Joined: 10/5/2005
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it depends on the context.

With work, i like to be helpful but sometimes i have been treated as a doormat. my rule of thumb is:
"If it's going to impact other things that I *NEED* to get done then i have to be firm'.

At home with Master its a different story. if he orders then i will do the set task for him. no room for any other option.

_____________________________

~julia
owned slave and proud of it!

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RE: Generous vs Doormat - 10/14/2005 12:43:24 PM

FunFriend

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Many Dom's out there, including me, are not looking for doormats. After all, what is the kick out of a power exchange when the sub doesn't have any power to give. That being said, I do understand that some subs just have an open generous nature and others may have a resistance to conflict. My advice is to make a plan and stick to it. For example, if you know that you need to confront a roomate overstaying his/her welcome, write down what you want to say and why. Then force yourself to stick to your guns. There is a difference between serving others, being open to others needs and being a victim. I believe the way not to be a victim is to understand the kind of person you want to be and then act in ways consistent with that image. The difference between a bdsm slave and a vanilla slave is that the bdsm slave still retains control. It is still your right to say no-- I don't want to do this or that thing, or I am unfulfilled by this or that relationship. A good dom may be able to help you find the balance between giving of yourself and giving up on your real needs and desires.

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RE: Generous vs Doormat - 10/14/2005 12:47:22 PM

FunFriend

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By the way, I have no idea why this says i am vanilla and i want it to stop-- lol

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RE: Generous vs Doormat - 10/14/2005 12:50:41 PM

EmeraldSlave2

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quote:

ORIGINAL: FunFriend

By the way, I have no idea why this says i am vanilla and i want it to stop-- lol

It's based on the number of posts you make, nothing more or less.

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RE: Generous vs Doormat - 10/14/2005 3:04:53 PM

WickedKev

Posts: 305
Joined: 11/26/2004
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quote:

ORIGINAL: shigglyboom

Hmmm, definitely feeling both unfulfilled and resentful right now.....! But the problem I'm having is with my nature, not a specific incident.

What always kills me, every time, is that first instinct - the sure, take the shirt off my back thing that comes out of my mouth, sometimes even as my head is screaming wait! And then afterwards I'm kicking myself because I really couldn't afford the cost or time or whatever. But when I try to take better care of myself I feel like a selfish bastard.

Case in point: An old friend calls up, he's moving back to town, can he stay with me a while? Of course I say, and since it happens I'm looking for a roommate if you want to stay longer that's fine too, we can work out the rent. 5 days in, I tell him the price I've been asking is $800. He tells me he can't afford it. I tell him he's here foremost as my guest and to pay what he can. Three days later I ask him again and he tell me he can pay $300. You can't rent a closet within 20 miles of here for that. But fine, I care about him, he's in $ trouble (I am too), I already told him he was my guest, and peanuts is better than no peanuts, so I try not to be resentful. Then he goes and spends $ on a gym membership... ok sure, time to renegotiate, but why'd I get into this damn situation in the first place?

Or...... my neighbor asks me if she can pick some berries from my yard. I say yes, she takes every last berry. Two weeks later she asks for fruit from my trees. I should say no, my head is screaming no way, you bloody hog..... and I say sure, take a few. Because I want to be nice, and generous with my bounty. Well, that's the last I saw of this year's crop.

Help?

You story put me in mind of 'Black Adders Christmas Carol' Starring Rowan Atkins (Mr. Bean) You'd find under BBC label. It's a comedy so even if it didn't help it should make you laugh....

(in reply to shigglyboom)

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RE: Generous vs Doormat - 10/14/2005 3:41:54 PM

fastlane

Posts: 2159
Joined: 5/26/2005
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A doormat has to feel the earth come off of the shoes...really sucky!
A place only a pain slut would be happy and if you are not, you should not be on the front door step.

the other, a much better place to be, because you are enjoying what you are giving.

I dunno .... To be a Door Mat, isn't half as bad as being a piece of toilet paper.

There is a silver lining to every cloud...and a nice foot fetish for every doormat.

Where as toilet paper wipes everyone's ass.....I'll take doormat!

_____________________________

Just because it hurts, doesn't necessarily make it a bad thing.

(in reply to WickedKev)

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RE: Generous vs Doormat - 10/14/2005 4:59:44 PM

shigglyboom

Posts: 110
Joined: 10/10/2005
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Thanks for the advice everyone, esp. the advice from ES and Funfy.

I WILL rent the movie and I WILL count my blessings that I am not a piece of toilet paper. No shit. Thanx Kevins.