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Having Desires to submit but spouse not wanting to expe... - 4/29/2008 12:37:29 PM

hubbywants2submi

Posts: 3
Joined: 4/5/2008
Status: offline

I have for many many years wanted to enjoy the subuissive side of life while exploring the more confindent side also. I am hoping to find some understanding from others who are also married but their spouse is in noway interested in any such life. I have hoped one day she would understand my desires and her own would blossom. So I wait. I live in Bakersfield California. I hope to hear from others their experiences with direction so I may understand what I may need to do to help my wife overcome the different obstacles so we both may enjoy the erotic life of BDSM. I am open to anything safe, legal and agreed to. Looking for your message since I know you have read this far. Don

Post #: 1

RE: Having Desires to submit but spouse not wanting to ... - 4/29/2008 12:46:02 PM

katie978

Posts: 352
Joined: 7/21/2007
Status: offline

I'm not sure whether you're searching for someone to brainstorm about how to kinkify your wife with, or whether you're searching for someone to cheat with. Anyways, men in your position typically choose one or more of a few standard options:

a)You cheat on your wife with a domme or dom.

b)You get your wife's permission to play, and do so.

or c) You get divorced.

Many folks on here know how difficult it can be to convert someone to kinky, or how frustrating it is with someone who refuses to learn. Have you talked to her about it when you were rational (i.e. not in bed?) Have you approached it cautiously, "Honey, have you ever thought about kinkier sex?" instead of "Honey, please piss on my face and insert [blank] into my butt"? It's hard to talk to someone vanilla about BDSM, but it's a lot harder to explain to her why you were cheating on her with another man. Perhaps you should mention how unfulfilled you are in bed and suggest seeing a sexual counselor to find a compromise? I think you should really evaluate whether a few minutes of kinky sex is worth destroying your marriage, particularly since, given your age, there are probably children and such involved.

< Message edited by katie978 -- 4/29/2008 12:51:06 PM >

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RE: Having Desires to submit but spouse not wanting to ... - 4/29/2008 12:58:14 PM

subdevra

Posts: 37
Joined: 3/28/2008
Status: offline

i wish you good luck in finding your balance and what will work for you and your marriage.

my story is probably what you want to hear the least. although in my case my marriage was not strong to begin with. i hope that yours is because you start to tread on dangerous ground when you start looking for other things that are not in your marriage. some feel that if your spouse is in the loop and knows what you are doing it is not cheating. as i realized that i was submissive and needed so very much to explore that side of me i wandered further and further away from my husband and my marriage. and although i did not feel guilty for cheating i realized that it is not a foundation for a marriage to work. i am now in the processing of divorcing him so that i can continue my journey into my submissiveness.

devra

(in reply to hubbywants2submi)

Post #: 3

RE: Having Desires to submit but spouse not wanting to ... - 4/29/2008 1:01:49 PM

beargonewild

Posts: 22716
Joined: 5/7/2007
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Maybe one thing is to sit down with your wife and have an open and frank discussion about the d/s dynamic and start from there. It may be possible she might not know enough to make an informed choice or may not understand the nuances of dominance and submission? I'm only guessing here. What if you and her made a game where one evening she gets to enact a fantasy with you and the next time you enact a fantasy with her? Gradually you and her may find ways to increasingly add the kink and d/s aspect to your relationship. It'll be a mutual journey for you both!

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(in reply to hubbywants2submi)

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RE: Having Desires to submit but spouse not wanting to ... - 4/29/2008 1:22:11 PM

OldBastardly1

Posts: 651
Joined: 7/22/2006
From: Atlanta, GA
Status: offline

Quite simply, if she has no inclination or desire to be a dominant in the relationship, you can't force her or convince her or trick her into being something she isn't.

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Post #: 5

RE: Having Desires to submit but spouse not wanting to ... - 4/29/2008 2:10:41 PM

kiwisub12

Posts: 4742
Joined: 1/11/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: OldBastardly1

Quite simply, if she has no inclination or desire to be a dominant in the relationship, you can't force her or convince her or trick her into being something she isn't.

What he said!

If she is not naturally dominant - and you would know if she was, then you aren't going to make her dominant. Give this one up, and talk to her about tolerating your finding someone in the lifestyle to fufill your needs. If you do it tactfully - as in "I have another side to me that i need to acknowledge" - rather than "Our life together is a lie." -you may be able to convince her to give it a go.

If you can commit to your marriage, while exploring your submissive side, and reassure your wife that your marriage isn't at risk, you may have a chance at convincing her that it is a good idea.
Good luck

< Message edited by kiwisub12 -- 4/29/2008 2:12:17 PM >

(in reply to OldBastardly1)

Post #: 6

RE: Having Desires to submit but spouse not wanting to ... - 4/29/2008 2:29:32 PM

hopelesslyInvo

Posts: 522
Joined: 2/10/2008
From: the future
Status: offline

it's simple how to attempt this. bringing confidence to life only requires eliminating worry and doubt and there are many easy ways to do this. yet... you can make a person confident, but they are still all too likely to become a confident submissive, or a confident average as can be vanilla person. the dominant side is not the confident side of a person.

i'm going to speak theoretical for a sec.

all you need to do to try and make her a leather loving dominatrix is put a whip in her hand. give opportunity, and make the opportunity known.

she can then either use the whip, or throw it aside, but even if she forces herself to use it, nothing will every make her like it or want to.

(in reply to hubbywants2submi)

Post #: 7

RE: Having Desires to submit but spouse not wanting to ... - 4/29/2008 3:50:01 PM

peppermint

Posts: 5169
Joined: 10/18/2005
From: Montana
Status: offline

You can't force her to become a Mistress no matter how hard you want her to be one. My husband wouldn't consider being a Dom as is just wasn't him. He gave me permission to do what i needed. A real life affair didn't seem right to me, so i explored on the internet, reading everything i could read, and talking to many people. It wasn't a perfect solution, but it worked.

Then he died.

(in reply to hubbywants2submi)

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RE: Having Desires to submit but spouse not wanting to ... - 4/29/2008 4:20:07 PM

daddysliloneds

Posts: 1351
Joined: 6/28/2006
Status: offline

if you get off her ass about it, you will be submitting to her desires, not yours, which is usually how it is with submission; it isn't always fun and games and it doesn't always mean getting your way!

(in reply to hubbywants2submi)

Post #: 9

RE: Having Desires to submit but spouse not wanting to ... - 4/30/2008 9:36:16 AM

Dnomyar

Posts: 7933
Joined: 6/27/2005
Status: offline

re read what Old Bastard said. It is a rare bastard that is wise also.

(in reply to daddysliloneds)

Post #: 10

RE: Having Desires to submit but spouse not wanting to ... - 5/1/2008 9:07:17 PM

TinkACD

Posts: 16
Joined: 9/12/2007
From: Brisbane, Australia
Status: offline

Just wanted to add that I'm in the same situation as Devra... and this is one monumental step and without exception the hardest most painful thing I have ever done ...but staying was harder.

Be sure of what you want, or try your best, before destroying marraiges...

Tink

(in reply to subdevra)

Post #: 11

RE: Having Desires to submit but spouse not wanting to ... - 5/1/2008 10:02:16 PM

Leatherist

Posts: 5149
Joined: 12/11/2007
Status: offline

Is there some flexibility with her-or are you up against a brick wall?

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Post #: 12

RE: Having Desires to submit but spouse not wanting to ... - 5/2/2008 4:24:29 AM

DesFIP

Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline

Just as you want her to respect your desires, you need to respect hers. Sit down and talk with her about your deep unhappiness. Explain, without blaming her, that your needs are not being met. Ask her for her input as to how to balance everyone's needs.

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Post #: 13

RE: Having Desires to submit but spouse not wanting to ... - 5/2/2008 5:03:57 AM

LadyPact

Posts: 32566
Status: offline

I don't put in My two cents very often here, but I felt compelled to on this one.

I can't help but feel for you situation. It's very similar to the one that My own submissive was in at one time. To be more accurate, I should say currently in. Let Me start with the disclaimer that My sub has been married to the same woman for 18 years. Supposedly (I have to say that because I wasn't there), she was at least more adventurous sexually in the earlier years of their marriage, but an illness put an end to that. I've yet to hear anything positive about an interest *she* might have in BDSM from any top perspective. He's tried, hoped, prodded, all to no avail. The best he's gotten in those 18 years from participating herself, was she was curious about what it was like to bottom, so he did some light topping to her on his last trip home. (Guess how badly he wanted to get back to the bottom himself after that. I should add here that she didn't return the favor in topping him in any way.)

During all of those 18 years, he waited to pursue anything BDSM related until she gave her ok, which she did, and is how I came into the picture after a little while. As much as he would love it if she picked up the flogger herself, I highly doubt it's ever going to happen. It's been pretty clear to Me for a while now. He still hopes and dreams that someday, it will happen. Over these past couple of months, I've been talking with him about accepting the possibility that it might not turn out the way he wants it to so much. His wife might not be the sadist who matches his masochist. She might not wish to be the Dominant to his submissive. She might not be the Top that matches his bottom.

Point being, OP, he can't change her any more than anyone can ever change anyone else. Thankfully, he does have the option of playing with others, and she has no problem with him having a Domme. Now that I think about it, the fact that she isn't pressured about being involved with BDSM might have led to that decision. (Again, I couldn't say, because I wasn't around at that time, either.) It may have been her way of allowing her husband to get what he needed, without her having to provide it.

My suggestion would be that you talk to your wife. If she isn't interested in participating herself, would she be willing to allow you to do some exploration? What options are available to you? Could you negotiate a situation where she didn't feel threatened, such as play, but no sex? Without input from you, what does she really think about BDSM?

To add to that, you might be interested in purchasing a particular book, "When Someone You Love is Kinky". I believe it's put out by Greenery Press. (To reference this, look up MasterFireMaam's profile. She has a great reading list as one of her signature lines.)

Good luck to you.

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(in reply to DesFIP)

Post #: 14

RE: Having Desires to submit but spouse not wanting to ... - 5/2/2008 6:32:39 AM

TreasureKY

Posts: 3032
Joined: 4/10/2007
From: Kentucky
Status: offline

I couldn't agree more that you cannot make her into something she is not.

However, I want to give you a word of caution. While most here would advocate you communicating your desires to your wife and seeking some middle ground where both your wants are met, you need to realize that you may be opening a door for which there is no closing. Understand that you may not like the results.

I'm not sure how to explain this to you without being blunt...

Some women are absolutely revolted by the idea of a man being submissive. This isn't a prudish disdain... these women might have no problems with kinky desires and may, in fact, enjoy an adventurous sexual life. It has to do with a hard-wired belief that men should be masculine, strong and in-control.

While you may be excited at the thought of being the submissive partner in your relationship, some women may consider the notion to be disgusting and anything but a turn-on... you should be prepared for that kind of reaction.

But even more so, you need to understand the position you may place your wife in by bringing your desires to her attention. I'm going to presume that your wife loves you... if she feels even remotely as I've described above, even if she's not ever fully considered her feelings on the subject before, she's going to be torn between the love that she has for you and the revulsion she feels at your inner-most desires.

It's possible that in order to handle the conflict that you've created, she's going to want to deny it. She's not going to want to talk about it and she's going to want to just put it all behind her. You've upset her world and she's going to want to get everything back to normal and pretend that nothing happened.

Or, it's a possibility that her revulsion will turn into anger. She trusted you to be the man she fell in love with and married... the man you revealed to her while courting... the man who shared mutual dreams of a life together. In confiding your desires to her, you could shatter that trust... prove to her that you've purposely hidden your true self from her and deceived her about what you wanted your future together to look like. You'd be changing the rules in mid-game after she's already made her commitment and placed her bet.

Of course, these are only two of any number of possibilities... but neither is going to get you what you want. You need to be prepared for fallout that could have lasting repercussions to your marriage.

(in reply to hubbywants2submi)

Post #: 15

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